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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband called me a name

181 replies

mum19821985 · 06/05/2017 14:44

Not just any name...the big "see you next Tuesday" I am so angry at him. Back story, DH had been up all night with diarrhea and was feeling pretty awful. I had my driving test that morning so had to get kids ready for school etc. Dh took kids to school and came home to look after our baby. I was sitting in an arm chair by the window watching out for my driving instructor. Dh said he needed to sit by the window, I said he can in 5 minutes when I leave for my test. He called me selfish and said he knew he wasn't well. We argued but eventually I moved. He said I was a nasty and horrible person. I said how could he say that 5 minutes before my test. He kept saying how horrible treat him and how nasty I am. We had an awful row, I shouted that it would be his fault if I failed. I became more stressed and told him I hated him. He said - what did you say? I said it again. He then called me the c word. I swore at him and left without saying anything. Dh has since apologised many times but still protests that my saying I hate him was much worse. I disagree and can't forget that horrible word.

OP posts:

Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 17:00

A word is a word. I've never been called it but I don't think I would find it any more offensive than any other swear word. Lots of people on this site use the word dick or knob. Nobody seems that particularly offendsive?

LedaP · 06/05/2017 17:00

I think both of you owe the other an apology. And soon.

He has apologised several times.

JustDanceAddict · 06/05/2017 17:02

He took the kids to school with the shits - not surprised he was pissed off. You're both to blame.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 06/05/2017 17:06

TBH if dp called me that then I would be rethinking our relationship. However, I find the word triggering, and my dp knows that it's the one thing I really can't cope with being called.
But taking away my personal history with the word, I don't think it's worse than telling someone you hate them. You both sound quite immature imo.

Motoko · 06/05/2017 17:25

You were in the wrong OP.

He'd been up all night with the shits, then took the kids to school (why didn't you?)

Was going to be looking after the baby, so that you could take your test, despite being ill, and asked if he could sit by the window.

You refused, because for some reason, you had to look out for your instructor. Why couldn't you stand at the window?

You were being selfish and nasty, and then you told him you hated him, twice!

No wonder he called you a name.

If he had wanted you to fail your test, he wouldn't have taken the kids to school or look after the baby.

He's apologised several times and yet you still haven't apologised to him.

Wow. I feel sorry for him.

Nanna50 · 06/05/2017 17:27

So ... after he has been up all night ill, and took the kids to school even though he has the runs, and is looking after the baby, you argue with him and tell him you hate him, twice, and it's his fault if you fail your test, just because he wanted to sit at the window. Was the window open, did he want the fresh air because he was ill and tired? He has apologised and you haven't ... you sound like a cunt to me...

alltouchedout · 06/05/2017 17:30

I called DH a cunt once. I still feel bad when I remember it 13 years on.

I think this whole thing sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. He was poorly, you were nervous, things were said and not meant. Apologise for your part in it and move on.

bebox · 06/05/2017 17:31

Perhaps the kids have to be driven to school, perhaps if OP's husband hadn't got her upset she might have passed her test and she could now drive them.

Taking your test is a big deal, a bigger deal than having the runs. he should have been keeping her calm. His loss too.

Fruitcocktail6 · 06/05/2017 17:38

He was ill, you were stressed about your test. Move on, ffs.

NellieFiveBellies · 06/05/2017 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapJack68 · 06/05/2017 17:47

Maybe they have to be driven.. but why did he have to get up with them ti get them ready? Or did you mean that you did this bit OP?

Arguing is never nice. Its good that you only said you hate him in anger.l rather than mean it. He probably only called you a c in anger too rather than mean it. He has apologised so you know he didn't mean it. So maybe you should apologise too so he knows you don't actually hate him and therefore shouldn't have said it

Like previous poster said you were both having a stressful day. Him with the world falling out his arse with the mega shits and you with driving test stress

Sounds like he sucked it up () to try and keep to his end of the deal supporting you in spite of how awful he felt... Whixh is admirable.. maybe he really was too ill to be doing it and so was already pushed to His limits and interpreted your refusal to let him have window seat (if this would have helped him feel better.. I am presuming fresh air) as a lack or support from you and lost it.

Anyway.. he has apologised. So should you. Hopefully won't happen again

TWOBANANAS · 06/05/2017 17:48

I think you need to move on and get over it. Both of you.

Screwinthetuna · 06/05/2017 17:59

erm, you told him you hated him because of a petty argument over a chair. I'd have called you the same

JustFuckingReally · 06/05/2017 18:04

If my DH called my a cunt I'd be furious, if he told me he hated me I'd be devastated!!

It's a word, get over it, you're as bad as each other until the point he has apologised and you haven't!

I also agree with the pp who said that implying cunt is worse than cock is what makes it misogynistic, not using it!

Xanadu44 · 06/05/2017 18:07

I don't think cunt is as bad as you telling him you hated him. Twice. Also he has apologised but you haven't.....yet you seem to be able to rationalise that you didn't mean it but then can't do the same on his behalf?? If I'm honest it sounds like 6 of one half a dozen of the other but then since the argument he's apologised and you haven't so I think YABU now.

RhiWrites · 06/05/2017 18:14

Wow. I can't believe this thread.

The husband demands the chair OP is sitting in and can't wait five minutes. And he picks a fight just before her driving test and that's justified because she didn't immediately give His Majesty the chair? Oh and a grown up with a stomach bug had to take his own children to school, so she was a cunt to let him?

OP, whatever you said doesn't justify him using horrible language to you or picking s fight before your test. Do you often have arguments like this? I think you should apologise for saying you hated him but discuss calmly why he couldn't wait for the seat.

d270r0 · 06/05/2017 18:15

I like you saying you hate him is actually worse. Hate means you want to do really awful things to someone and want them to die. Its a very strong word. Of course he reacted badly to you saying that. Imagine how you'd feel if he told you he hated you, even if it was during a row. If my dh ever told me he hated me I'd be absolutely distraught- I'd assume divorce.

TinselTwins · 06/05/2017 18:20

The husband demands the chair OP is sitting in and can't wait five minute

You'ld rather throw up than ask your partner for something simple that'll help with your nausia without inconveniencing them at all ? (op really didn't need the window seat, he did!)

I would give up the fresh air seat if DH was ill AND I'ld ask for it if I was the one who was ill, he would be up like a shot BTW!

ChippersAndRunt · 06/05/2017 18:21

No. But he was sick and most likely very tired.

He overreacted. But telling your DH that you hate him? (more than once)? That's really awful as well.

Hate is an extremely strong word! He shouldn't have called her a cunt, yes. But still...

Lemonnaise · 06/05/2017 18:23

I think you were bang out of order and you started the whole thing by not getting up from the window. You obviously think your feelings trump your DPs. You owe him a massive apology.

Mo55chop5 · 06/05/2017 18:39

To be honest if you yell at someone that you hate them then it's pretty much open season verbally. He was perfectly within his rights to call you what he wanted, mostly because you were being a cunt

CherryMintVanilla · 06/05/2017 19:23

you started the whole thing by not getting up from the window

Actually, he started the whole thing by asking her to move from a chair he'd randomly decided he wanted to sit in.

I'm not joining the "Wow, he took the kids to school when he was ill!!" chorus either. Men shouldn't get bonus points for doing what women do all the time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/05/2017 19:25

I think it's infinitely more misogynist that the word cunt is unsayable and dreadful and the word cock is funny and not really bad swearing.

Why? Because cunts are unmentionable, worse, bad, private and shameful. And cocks are funny, to be shared, amusing, powerful.

Bollocks to that (see what I did there?). I'll say cunt if I like. DH wouldn't. We would never ever say that we hate each other. Unless we did, in which case our marriage would be over, wouldn't it?

OP, you need to apologise.

TinselTwins · 06/05/2017 19:32

I'm not joining the "Wow, he took the kids to school when he was ill!!" chorus either. Men shouldn't get bonus points for doing what women do all the time.

I have never and would never take the kids to school while ill if DH was at home and not ill . He would. The OP should have.

Lemonnaise · 06/05/2017 19:33

Actually, he started the whole thing by asking her to move from a chair he'd randomly decided he wanted to sit in.

Yeah, how dare a sick person request to sit by the window for some fresh air. Are people not allowed to request to sit somewhere? He ASKED, he didn't demand.

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