Husband called me a name

[mum19821985]

Not just any name...the big "see you next Tuesday" I am so angry at him. Back story, DH had been up all night with diarrhea and was feeling pretty awful. I had my driving test that morning so had to get kids ready for school etc. Dh took kids to school and came home to look after our baby. I was sitting in an arm chair by the window watching out for my driving instructor. Dh said he needed to sit by the window, I said he can in 5 minutes when I leave for my test. He called me selfish and said he knew he wasn't well. We argued but eventually I moved. He said I was a nasty and horrible person. I said how could he say that 5 minutes before my test. He kept saying how horrible treat him and how nasty I am. We had an awful row, I shouted that it would be his fault if I failed. I became more stressed and told him I hated him. He said - what did you say? I said it again. He then called me the c word. I swore at him and left without saying anything. Dh has since apologised many times but still protests that my saying I hate him was much worse. I disagree and can't forget that horrible word.

I don't understand this at all. Why was he doing all the running around when he was ill?
And why wouldn't you just let him sit by the window if he was unwell?

It sounds to me like he was unwell but getting on with things while you were stressed and being selfish.

Him calling you a cunt is horrible. I hate the word, BUT, overreacting by refusing to move, blaming him in anticipation of you failing and saying you hate him is makes your part in this much worse. Go, apologise and try and learn not to take your stress out on him.

I find you can tell its an argument if you imagine substituting all the i hate you and names with 'im angry and stressed.' Thats all they mean

But you were behaving like a cunt, so I can see why he called you one.

You glossed over what swear word you used towards him OP. Funny that.

Here's the thing. My DP would never call me a cunt. I'd never call him one either. But we also never swear at each other, or yell or tell each other that we hate each other. So if you don't want him to swear at you, tell him but you have to follow the same standard. It's not ok for you to yell abusive things at him and then get offended when he gives as good as he gets.

Tbf, you do sound like a bit of a cunt. He had the shits all night but still took the kids to school, you could've done that for him. Then you both argue the bloody toss about a window seat, and you actually say I hate you - that's much, much, much worse than calling someone a fucking accurate name, then he apologises for days and you huff on even though you were the worst. He should LTB.

I wonder if The Cunt Monologues would ever take off .

Wow. It sounds like you should have waited until becoming an adult before getting married and having kids.

Well, tbh.

He was sick, was up all night, still got the children ready, brougth the children to school and then wanted to sit by the window... (Is there only one chair, btw)?

I don't think he was being unreasonable. Whilst his reaction may have been a bit too extreme... I must admit that I don't understand why you didn't offer the seat to your sick DH, who had been up all night, was sick and had already brought the children to school?

And anyhow, you told him you hated him (twice!). That's just as bad (actually in my personal opinon worse...!) than calling you a cunt!

I would probably call my own DH a cunt if he acted like you did...

Yes, maybe he shouldn't have ranted at you. But why didn't you just let the sick, sleep deprived person sit down?

Saying you'd leave your husband for calling you a cunt is really one sided, making you the victim and relationship master.

TBH I feel quite sorry for someone in such a fragile relationship their wife would divorce them for swearing at them.
Not being able to handle negative, unkind behaviour to that extent is quite disturbing, and you're probably not resilient enough to be in a long term relationship. Don't have kids, whatever you do.

Both of you said regrettable things -both used words too strong for the occasion -both of you were hurt - but both of you were in unusual circumstances (he ill - you tense).

Neither of you meant it - it seems a bit childish to continue to be offended. Apologies - and reparations should be offered!

If you were kids in our house you would have fallen foul of the 'three good things' rule. This is a surprisingly popular agreement in which having insulted another person you would be obliged to give honest praise for three good things about them.

(This works as it is infuriating for the person who offered the insult and much loved by other.Having to think of good things you are willing to say is distracting - reminds you of what you actually like about the other- and usually ends the argument. Life being as it is you usually get a turn each way around. It does let you see what the other person sees as your good qualities too.)

I would hate somebody who called me a cunt five minutes before a driving test. That is so offensive and having had diarrhoea is no excuse.

I hope you pass the next time OP

Why did he want to sit where you were sitting?

But she said she hated him BEFORE he called her a cunt!

"TBH I feel quite sorry for someone in such a fragile relationship their wife would divorce them for swearing at them."

I wouldn't leave my partner for swearing at me. I would certainly reconsider our relationship if he called me a cunt.

I really find it hard to tolerate coyness on MN. The word is cunt.
There, I've said it. We can all say it.

Posted too soon.
If you tell someone you hate them, there's a good chance they'll retaliate.

I really don't understand why he had to have a particular seat, it sounds very precious, but it's hard to judge on one incident. Does he have a history of acting like that? Are you hanging on to your anger because of other unresolved issues?

If it genuinely was an anomaly and he's usually a good even-tempered person, and doing his fair share with the kids and house - then you need to both apologize and move past it.

"TBH I feel quite sorry for someone is such a fragile relationship their wife would divorce them for swearing at them".

No need to feel sorry for DH, we've been married 15 years. It's perfectly possible to go through life without using the c word or telling each other to f off. I can and do put up with a lot of things, but I would not put up with that and I'm just being honest. I wouldn't have any respect for him anymore. Nor would he expect me to.

People have pretty low standards. I honestly can't imagine having a relationship with someone who would call me names.

i hate that word my dh ha never called me that because he knows how much i despise it

but-ive never said i hated him either-maybe he wanted some fresh air

I think both of you owe the other an apology. And soon. Things like this can fester if they aren't dealt with.

He shouldn't have called you a cunt. You shouldn't have said I hate you and blamed him for failing your test. You both acted like idiots.

If you have a basically good marriage you should be able to get past this with a couple of heartfelt (no 'but you' or 'but I' added on) apologies. If you can't, then you have bigger problems than a 'cunt' or an 'I hate you'.

@goatlepew

we dont all feel the same about it-when i hear it i cringe sorry if u dont approve

I absolutely can't bear the prissiness of people who can't even say the word cunt. It's ridiculous. As for you op you sound a total pain in the ass. You haven't forgiven him yet? I bet you're an absolute ball to live with.

You sound incredibly immature, OP. You were selfish, you were horrible to him, you said something exceptionally nasty to him. Personally, I would rather my dh called me a cunt while angry than telling me he hated me. He has apologised for his bad behaviour, now it is most definitely time for you to apologise to him for yours.