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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Police Harassment

404 replies

Morgani97 · 06/05/2017 08:55

Desperate for some advice police,Long backstory to this. My 13 yro dd has been bullied at school for over a year,reported this to the school almost on a weekly basis yet nothing had been done. Cut a long story short dd began self harming last summer,her attitude was vile which i totally understand. However ive met a new partner who is lovely very patient and tolerant and gets on well with dd, She asked him to come along to parents evening which he did.After this there was an incident at school which resulted in dd being sent to isolation. The following day i decided to keep dd off school as she was upset about the day before. I rang the school twice and informed them she wasnt coming in and arranged a meeting for the following monday. I then went to a course i was enrolled in. I got a call from my partner telling me a teacher from the school along with a police officer and a cpso and had taken my daughter back to school. When i got home my partner informed me he had been questioned (not under caution) the police officer was offensive in his manner of questioning. I went to the school and picked my dd up she was extremely upset as she had heard everything that had been said. I put a complaint in to the school as was unsure why she had been taken back to school.Then yesterday the same police officer turned up at my home with two women who wanted to read out claires law to me ( i know all about my partners past and have no concerns) The day before a letter was delivered by hand to the school to the chairman of govenors which seems a bit of a coincidence .Again the people that turned up at our home were offensive and were asked to leave 7 times what the hell can i do w are all so upset about this which has stemmed from bullying. I should add that the bullying has been done by ten asian youths not that the creed or colour matters but obviously the school picked up on this .Sorry for the long post i just wanted to get all points across.

OP posts:
Chocolatekeepsmesane · 07/05/2017 13:38

Please get as many facts as you can and then make an informed decision on how to move on with your and your dd's life.
Can I suggest it maybe wise not to let your partner know what you are doing just incase he becomes violent.

Jupitar · 07/05/2017 13:52

wombling three
No ive never heard of Clare's law, but then I've never witnessed domestic violence either towards myself or any of my friends so it's not something that I would necessarily be aware of.

I said maybe single parents should always get their new boyfriends checked out, but was told no they'll only tell you if you're in danger, then you pipe up with if you don't run a check you're an idiot 🙄

And thanks for the advice but I've only ever lived with my ex husband and wouldn't have a random shag let alone want to let one move in!

LedaP · 07/05/2017 14:01

Actually elendon, they are saying its shit and the dad is a dick for doing it....but nothing can be done. No one is saying its ok.

The op is the same position as the dad and as your ex. But you cant see past the fact that you are all mothers and think you must be in the same position.

The op, your ex and the dad on that thread are all introducing people too early. But there isnt anything anyone can do.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 07/05/2017 15:50

Wow Wombling. My STBXH has introduced his new girlfriend to my DCs, and this makes me stupid? Maybe you or Elendon can let me know exactly what I need to do to not "allow" this to happen, since I'm far too much of an idiot to be able to manage this.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 07/05/2017 17:23

The police will know where your DH was living but needed confirmation

Elendon · 07/05/2017 17:25

No one is saying anyone is an idiot. But if you wish to call yourself that then I would suggest you seek help.

Leda. No one, including myself is saying it's ok. Okay?

If there isn't anything anyone can do Leda then what do you propose?

IonaNE · 07/05/2017 20:13

unless you can say that you've used Clare's law to check the pasts of all your boyfriends then surely you're just as naive as her
No, I am not. She is not being criticised for not checking an otherwise impeccable boyfriend's history. She is being criticised for moving a bloke with a conviction of 8 years and a couple of "domestics" in with an already vulnerable and self-harming 13-year-old.

Annahibiscuits · 07/05/2017 20:25

Did OP come back after she went to speak with the police?

giraffe88 · 07/05/2017 20:28

No I don't think so....wonder what was said???

Halle71 · 07/05/2017 21:27

I started out on the thread thinking it was more likely to be 'nothing' than 'something', but now people with professional experience of the issues have contributed and other posters have mentioned other MN posts from the OP, I feel quite scared for her and her DD.
I hope they are ok and that she has the strength to walk away if necessary.

WomblingThree · 07/05/2017 22:10

Sorry EElisavetaOfBelsornia, no you aren't stupid or an idiot, he is. I feel very sorry for you and your children. The onus is on him to check the history of someone that is around his children. Obviously, there's nothing you can do.

Rinoachicken · 07/05/2017 22:23

EElisaveta a third petty can put in an application, so you can put the application in for info on the new girlfriend.

If there is anything then he police can then disclose to your STBXH and possibly to you as well seeing as they are your kids.

If there isn't anything, we'll it's still not ideal but you've done what you can to safeguard them when they are away from you and the rest is down to him.

Rinoachicken · 07/05/2017 22:23

*party not petty!

Rinoachicken · 07/05/2017 22:26

The whole idea of the law is that it's not just the potential victim who can apply, Friends, family, neighbours can apply on behalf of the potential victim, under the'right to ask' part of the law, the police disclose only to the potential victim though.

Other agencies and organisations working with vulnerable people can also apply under the 'right to know' aspect of it, the idea being they share important information to better safeguard people

Dawnedlightly · 08/05/2017 08:18

Hope you're ok, Morgani
Flowers

LedaP · 08/05/2017 08:48

If there isn't anything anyone can do Leda then what do you propose?

On this thread there is something the OP can do. Not introduce her kids to someone so quick. Like your ex could put his kids first and not do it.

In your situation, you cant do anything. In the other thread the OP cant do anything. Because you and her are not the ones introducing kids far to early. Op of THIS thread IS the one doing it.

If you cant see why your situation is different to this Ops there is no point having a discussion with you. You are misrepresenting what has been said here and on other threads. Which is 'INTRODUCING NEW PARTNERS TO KIDS VERY QUICKLY IS A BAD IDEA. BUT LEGALLY, UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS NOTHING TO STOP THEM DOING IT'.

you seem to have some misguided notion that you and the Op are in the same position. You are not.

user1472298115 · 09/05/2017 20:58

Hope you're ok, Morgani
Flowers

this

thethoughtfox · 10/05/2017 09:00

Please come back OP, and tell us what the police said. Thinking of you and your dd.

ambereeree · 10/05/2017 10:41

Hope all is ok and you and your DD are safe Flowers

LucyAutumn · 10/05/2017 10:56

Hope you're OK OP Flowers

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 10/05/2017 16:24

Hi OP. I hope that after speaking with police, if it is indeed not what you wanted to hear and of a worrying nature that you know where to go to get the correct help.
In most instances it can be hard to get the strength to end a dv relationship, but luckily you haven't known him that long and you know that you and your dad are most certainly being monitored by school and police at the least, social services likely too. That should give you the kick you need to get help and advice on how to safely remove him from your life. You can also call women's aid.
This is the last thing you need in addition to D's being horrifically bullied and self harming and I can't think of any instance where your dp can stick around with no consequences. Flowers

ASongOfRiceAndPeas · 10/05/2017 16:24
  • dd not dad!
NotYoda · 10/05/2017 16:32

LedaP

You are correct.

GinAndTalented · 10/05/2017 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fj3568 · 11/05/2017 08:43

OP The very fact that the school sent someone to your home with the police even without considering the subsequent Clare's law disclosure is highly unusual and suggests they had intelligence she was at risk. So either someone with knowledge of DP's past or your DD has confided in either the school or the police and they extricated her from a risky situation. Have you gently asked your daughter (assuring her that there's no risk in voicing concerns ) if she feels comfortable with this man. She could have confided in a friend at school who alerted the staff. If you truly want the best for yourself and DD you should not be with an ex con who has probably been sentenced to 8 years and served 4. That's a helluva crime even without considering the as yet unknown Clare's law material. we have a duty to introduce positive role models into our kids lives. It's as important as encouraging them to do well at school and teaching values. How can an ex con with at least one long sentence for violence be a role model?I didn't introduce my Dp to my DD for a year. I wanted to be sure there were no skeletons/behavioural issues/ addictions and he was as lovely as he seemed.