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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Police Harassment

404 replies

Morgani97 · 06/05/2017 08:55

Desperate for some advice police,Long backstory to this. My 13 yro dd has been bullied at school for over a year,reported this to the school almost on a weekly basis yet nothing had been done. Cut a long story short dd began self harming last summer,her attitude was vile which i totally understand. However ive met a new partner who is lovely very patient and tolerant and gets on well with dd, She asked him to come along to parents evening which he did.After this there was an incident at school which resulted in dd being sent to isolation. The following day i decided to keep dd off school as she was upset about the day before. I rang the school twice and informed them she wasnt coming in and arranged a meeting for the following monday. I then went to a course i was enrolled in. I got a call from my partner telling me a teacher from the school along with a police officer and a cpso and had taken my daughter back to school. When i got home my partner informed me he had been questioned (not under caution) the police officer was offensive in his manner of questioning. I went to the school and picked my dd up she was extremely upset as she had heard everything that had been said. I put a complaint in to the school as was unsure why she had been taken back to school.Then yesterday the same police officer turned up at my home with two women who wanted to read out claires law to me ( i know all about my partners past and have no concerns) The day before a letter was delivered by hand to the school to the chairman of govenors which seems a bit of a coincidence .Again the people that turned up at our home were offensive and were asked to leave 7 times what the hell can i do w are all so upset about this which has stemmed from bullying. I should add that the bullying has been done by ten asian youths not that the creed or colour matters but obviously the school picked up on this .Sorry for the long post i just wanted to get all points across.

OP posts:
TheGentleMoose · 06/05/2017 13:07

Absolutely you are not a bad mother OP. I can only echo the sentiments shared by @Elendon . I hope you are getting the information and support you need from the police.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 06/05/2017 13:07

Nobody's saying it's sensible to move someone you barely know into your home with your children, but I do not and will never understand how people think it's helpful to speak aggressively to someone in this situation. All it does is push them further into the arms of an abuser. Gentle support and prompting is always going to be more effective than "you're shit"

TheGentleMoose · 06/05/2017 13:08

Exactly @SaorAlbaGuBrath . Brilliant post.

BillSykesDog · 06/05/2017 13:10

I think what people seem to be missing in this is that he attended the parents evening, then a letter regarding the situation was hand delivered to the Head of Governers and the following day when she did not attend school the police arrived.

My strong feeling is that someone who recognized him and knew about his past attended the parents evening and wrote to the governers to warn them. When she did not attend the next day the school would have been concerned she was home alone with him which is why the police attended.

I've come across similar while working on projects which involved social service cases. I would be almost 100% certain that SS will become involved and that there will be the potential for removal of DD if the relationship did not end.

The best advice given on this thread was that given by a police officer which I'll repeat because it was so good:

Another police officer here. He isn't telling you the full story im afraid. He wouldn't serve 4 years for assault on a pc plus for Claire's law to be read to you he most definitely would have been convicted on domestic assault. It sounds like it was serious and that there is concern for your safety. I second asking for full disclosure of his previous offences. Speak to the police and not your partner about this and protect yourself and your child.

OP I think when you see the police you need to make a Clare's Law application as a matter of urgency. I suspect if you do they will give you information on his previous convictions there and then and you will probably get a nasty shock.

You say that your partner is really nice and caring. There is a method of grooming families for abuse which is called 'love bombing' and involves making victims feel so safe and cherished and loved and cared for that when the abuse starts they don't quite believe it or think it is out of character and so tolerate it. It sounds like this may be going on here so don't be fooled by thinking 'but he seems so nice'.

Looking at your previous posts you do seem like a bit of a vulnerable family who have a few problems and you've been very lonely and really wanting to find a partner which makes you very vulnerable to someone without good intentions. It's extremely early days in your relationship and you seem to have got very involved very quickly including involving him with your children which is a bit of a red flag.

I agree with other posters who say that you need to end this relationship. It seems to have so many warning signs it's untrue. Is this the man you wrote about recently who doesn't talk to you but just watches TV and doesn't want to get physically intimate? You met him on the internet?

mmchocolate · 06/05/2017 13:13

I have just read through the whole thread, I'm shocked and saddened by it, thank god OP is now going to the police to find out.

Does anyone know if Clare's Law works for violent women or is it just violent mens past that can be disclosed?

CelestialFox · 06/05/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

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TheGentleMoose · 06/05/2017 13:16

@mmchocolate I believe it can be applied for women too [at least in an LGBT standpoint, which I appreciate may not be what you are asking about].

TheGentleMoose · 06/05/2017 13:17

@CelestialFox No. And not appropriate to post in a thread like this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 13:17

Celestialfox. I don't think so.

CelestialFox · 06/05/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

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alonsypot · 06/05/2017 13:21

Best just to report to MNHQ cel

(And always a good idea not to invest too much into any thread just in case.)

GriefLeavesItsMark · 06/05/2017 13:28

Indeed, partly just venting because I've had a crap week at work (not a social worker, but in connected area.)

You are right. I am just venting because I've had a crap week at work (not social worker, but in a connected area)

GriefLeavesItsMark · 06/05/2017 13:29

And so involved I said it twice...

Inertia · 06/05/2017 13:46

As so many others have said, the police and the school are not harassing you. They are trying to safeguard your daughter and to ensure you act to keep her safe, before SS have to step in to protect her.

The bullying at school is a different issue, and one that can be addressed once your vulnerable child is no longer at risk from a man who you know is a convicted violent offender (with potentially other convictions too).

Squishedstrawberry4 · 06/05/2017 14:02

Best get to the bottom of what he was convicted for. Use reliable sources to establish the truth.

Email the governors and press them for action early next week.

Trollspoopglitter · 06/05/2017 14:08

"We are blaming this woman for extremely poor parenting.

Extremely poor parenting? Calm down.

She sounds like she's being manipulated by a man who probably has a long history of manipulating women, and she is misguided in her feeling that previous offences shouldn't follow a person for life - sometimes they should, especially when there is a child to protect. But abusive men very rarely signpost that fact in the early days. Lots of very good mothers end up in relationships with abusive men. And its not their fault."

What horrible enabling. She is an adult who has made some poor parenting choices. Yes, failinf to see difference between police harassing her ex-con boyfriend instead of safeguarding her vulnerable parenting is fuckign piss poor parenting. Manipulation isn't mystical magic that happens to all women.

Trollspoopglitter · 06/05/2017 14:09

..Vulnerable child is....
Post got eaten

metalmum15 · 06/05/2017 14:33

Something definitely doesn't add up here, as others have stated Clare's Law is about domestic abuse. So unless your dp was in prison for assaulting a female police officer, who was also his wife or girlfriend, I think he's missed something out. Go to the police and find out.

I also hope you get the bullying sorted. I'm not sure how, but it sounds as if you need to step it up a notch, for your daughters' physical and mental health. Reporting it weekly to the school has obviously not solved anything, so maybe start looking into going further up the chain? Bullying is never acceptable, especially when it appears to be 10 on 1. Quite frankly, I don't blame your daughter for fighting back.

Instasista · 06/05/2017 14:46

Good luck today OP

eddielizzard · 06/05/2017 14:49

good luck. it's a lot to take in, and i'm sure you're doing your best. remember this man doesn't need you, your dd does though.

donajimena · 06/05/2017 15:00

Just wondering if you have googled his name. Might be something in news archives?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/05/2017 15:04

Pleased that you've finally taken this seriously op.

Rachel0Greep · 06/05/2017 15:05

Nobody's saying it's sensible to move someone you barely know into your home with your children, but I do not and will never understand how people think it's helpful to speak aggressively to someone in this situation. All it does is push them further into the arms of an abuser. Gentle support and prompting is always going to be more effective than "you're shit"

+1.
Take care OP, of yourself and your DD.

user1472298115 · 06/05/2017 15:29

OP, I don't have to hand contact details for Women's Aid helpline , but you may talking to them helpful. Could someone post the number for WA & the National DV helpline ?

I anticipate you finding out some harsh home truths by way of Clare's Law, & it may help you to talk day-by-day (certainly over the weekend) in the days to come.

If you can get onto the Freedom programme, it'll help you understand how this situation has come about & offer you support to gain insight to move forward. Women's Aid can advise you about local programmes. If this is hard to do for yourself, then do it for your DD.

You will need to take decisive action about your partner, as SS will likely raise Child Protection issues with you & this could mean your DD is removed from your care. By decisive action, I mean get him out & end the relationship - it's not about you , it's not about him, it's about your DD & child protection protocols.

Even if he were the loveliest man ever who never gave you any cause for concern etc, depending what is on his record(s) is what the SS will use to assess the case.

HooplaLoopla1 · 06/05/2017 15:33

www.womensaid.org.uk/cover-your-tracks-online/

No is at the top of the page to contact them as well.

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