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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Police Harassment

404 replies

Morgani97 · 06/05/2017 08:55

Desperate for some advice police,Long backstory to this. My 13 yro dd has been bullied at school for over a year,reported this to the school almost on a weekly basis yet nothing had been done. Cut a long story short dd began self harming last summer,her attitude was vile which i totally understand. However ive met a new partner who is lovely very patient and tolerant and gets on well with dd, She asked him to come along to parents evening which he did.After this there was an incident at school which resulted in dd being sent to isolation. The following day i decided to keep dd off school as she was upset about the day before. I rang the school twice and informed them she wasnt coming in and arranged a meeting for the following monday. I then went to a course i was enrolled in. I got a call from my partner telling me a teacher from the school along with a police officer and a cpso and had taken my daughter back to school. When i got home my partner informed me he had been questioned (not under caution) the police officer was offensive in his manner of questioning. I went to the school and picked my dd up she was extremely upset as she had heard everything that had been said. I put a complaint in to the school as was unsure why she had been taken back to school.Then yesterday the same police officer turned up at my home with two women who wanted to read out claires law to me ( i know all about my partners past and have no concerns) The day before a letter was delivered by hand to the school to the chairman of govenors which seems a bit of a coincidence .Again the people that turned up at our home were offensive and were asked to leave 7 times what the hell can i do w are all so upset about this which has stemmed from bullying. I should add that the bullying has been done by ten asian youths not that the creed or colour matters but obviously the school picked up on this .Sorry for the long post i just wanted to get all points across.

OP posts:
judgymoo · 06/05/2017 21:20

OP please please please take the police warning seriously. You may think your new man is not a danger to you but the truth is you and your daughter could be in considerable danger.

Fifteen years ago my then partner tried to kill me. No I am not exaggerating, the only reason I am alive today is because a neighbour heard my screams for help and managed to break in around the back of the house. My ex had barricaded the front door to stop me escaping.

A history of domestic violence is something to take seriously. IMO leopards do not change their spots. My ex has now been released and it worries me every day that he might try to do something to a new partner. My ex comes across as very charming, he lies about his past and a new partner may not realise how dangerous he is. I dont want to come across as patronising but please take the warning seriously.

LightYears · 06/05/2017 21:25

Hmmm, reading OP's first post she states that DD asked for new partner to go to parent's evening with her. Doesn't make it right or appropriate, the girl hasn't been taught or shown the correct boundaries because there's no one around to show her.

user1472298115 · 06/05/2017 21:30

Hmmm, reading OP's first post she states that DD asked for new partner to go to parent's evening with her.

Doesn't make it right or appropriate...

this

40somethingwonderful · 06/05/2017 21:38

Hope you and your daughter are okay.

mummymummums · 06/05/2017 21:56

I hope you have answers now to make sense of all this OP.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 06/05/2017 23:32

I hope you and your dd have support

ScissorBow · 07/05/2017 00:07

Your DP may have assaulted a police officer who was trying to arrest him for domestic violence offences. DV perpetrators are very good at making their own truth.

I hope your visit to the police today was enlightening.

Welshmaenad · 07/05/2017 00:43

I worked in DV support.

We had a lot of repeat perpetrators pop up with new victims. A LOT.

Only once whilst I was there was there a situation where a joint visit was undertaken with the police to disclose information under Clare's Law without a request being made.

This happened because

A) social services were about to go to Public Law Outline pre proceedings with regard to her child and
B) we were genuinely afraid for her life.

It isn't a step taken lightly for no good reason.

Jupitar · 07/05/2017 07:52

A couple of PP have said to google your partners name, this won't work due to data protection laws, however if you know the area he lived in when he committed the offences then it's worthwhile looking for the local papers website i.e. Dorchester echo and then search for his name through the website, a friend found details of her boyfriend this way. However Clare's law should give you access to all you need to know.

takeabreakthatslife · 07/05/2017 07:56

Get rid of your partner.

The bullying is a separate issue to the police coming round to share information about your partner with you but both affect your DD.

Move her to a different school if you can.

Yes two huge changes but up to you if you want the best fit dd or not.

takeabreakthatslife · 07/05/2017 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

newdaylight · 07/05/2017 08:21

Good luck op, I hope it was helpful seeing the police

Jupitar · 07/05/2017 10:04

i think the people crisitising the op are being unfair

  1. the original post was her initial reaction and she was shocked, 2)I don't think her subsequent posts are all defending the guy she is just clarifying stuff as people are making assumptions and going off on tangents
  2. unless you can say that you've used Clare's law to check the pasts of all your boyfriends then surely you're just as naive as her.
    id never heard of Clare's law before, and this thread does raise the point that maybe single parents should do this check before they get involved with a new partner whether they admit to having previous convictions or not. We all like to think we're good judges of character but there's some very convincing liars out there
Empireoftheclouds · 07/05/2017 10:11

unless you can say that you've used Clare's law to check the pasts of all your boyfriends then surely you're just as naive as her. well I have never used Clare's law but I would not be leaving a vulnerable 13yo home with a new partner in the first place. There are ways to protect our children without using Clare's law.

TheBogQueen · 07/05/2017 10:12

You can't just 'check' someone's past under Clare' law. Agencies will only disclose that information on people who present a risk to women through domestic abuse so that women can make an informed decision on whether to continue with that relationship.
It's not done lightly.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 07/05/2017 10:22

Just to clarify he was in prison for four years

Which means his sentence was probably 8 years. UK does not have a particularly harsh sentencing regime but in UK terms 8 years is a long sentence
.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 07/05/2017 10:43

Elendon

I've known parents who brought their partner of a couple of months to a parent evening session. But she was female, so it was okay

Being female does not automatically mean it is OK. Liam Fee was murdered by his mother and his mother's female civil partner.

Elphaba99 · 07/05/2017 10:52

Empireoftheclouds Exactly.

Jupitar I don't think it's unreasonable to criticise the OP for:

(a) calling the thread "Police Harrassment" when actually it's anything but,
(b) blaming anybody and eveybody and saying that ALL the people trying to safeguard her DD were "offensive", and
(c) thinking that leaving a very vulnerable young teen girl with a new partner who has at least one serious previous conviction is not really responsible parenting.

I think you're being a little naive to berate people who have made any or all of the above points.

This has clearly been a shocking and traumatic few days for the OP and I'm truly relieved and glad she has now been to see the Police. I genuinely hope that she and her DD can now get support and help. Flowers

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 07/05/2017 11:09

You can't just 'check' someone's past under Clare' law. Agencies will only disclose that information on people who present a risk to women through domestic abuse so that women can make an informed decision on whether to continue with that relationship.
It's not done lightly.

Just want to reiterate this point.
Because it's spot on.

Elendon · 07/05/2017 11:30

Lass Sorry, I think you misunderstood, or misquoted. I was being critical of the woman being there, not supportive. I was told she was a woman so it was okay by the teacher when I complained about her being there.

Elendon · 07/05/2017 11:33

Currently there is a thread in Relationships about a woman whose children are being introduced to her ex's new partner after a separation of just a few weeks. Most of the replies seem to be 'There's nothing you can do about it'.

Jupitar · 07/05/2017 11:40

I admit I'd never heard of Clare's law before and am only picking it up from what I've read online.

The op had no concerns about domestic violence from this guy prior to the police turning up, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and have no concerns about domestic violence either, But apparently you need to be aware you're at risk before the police will tell you your at risk. ?? Surely if you've got to the point that you're worried enough about dv that you need to ask about Clare's law then you should be finishing the relationship anyway?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 07/05/2017 11:48

Sorry Elendon.

WomblingThree · 07/05/2017 12:55

Elendon well they are stupid as well then. What does it take to get through someone's head that a new "partner" is no less likely to be a child molester, paedophile, rapist, abuser, than the average person in the street.

The MN "dictators" are fucked in the head sometimes. On what planet is it ok to let someone you have known a few weeks to have access to your child, but you can't let them walk to the shop at 10 because they might be abducted.

I understand that MN isn't a collective hive mind, as evidenced by the selection of sensible posters on this thread, but it sometimes seem like the ones who shout loudest on every thread are the ones with the most ludicrous ideas.

People who have never heard of Clare's Law? For god's sake, educate yourselves. With the wide availability of the internet, there is literally no excuse for not knowing about things put in place to protect women (and by extension, their children) from violence and abuse. Clare's Law could actually save your life one day. It is that important.

Jupitar the whole point of Clare's Law is that before you move your random shag into your house, with your children, you can find out if there is any history of violence. Anyone can request this information. The police will then disclose if they feel it is necessary. In the first 10 months that the law was in use, 1300 disclosures were made. That's over 100 women a month saved from possible abuse or death.

If you don't avail yourself of this, you aren't naïve, you are an idiot.

user1493022461 · 07/05/2017 12:57

Currently there is a thread in Relationships about a woman whose children are being introduced to her ex's new partner after a separation of just a few weeks. Most of the replies seem to be 'There's nothing you can do about it'

Because there is nothing you can do about it. But since that has nothing at all to do with this situation, why are you still banging on about it?

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