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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Police Harassment

404 replies

Morgani97 · 06/05/2017 08:55

Desperate for some advice police,Long backstory to this. My 13 yro dd has been bullied at school for over a year,reported this to the school almost on a weekly basis yet nothing had been done. Cut a long story short dd began self harming last summer,her attitude was vile which i totally understand. However ive met a new partner who is lovely very patient and tolerant and gets on well with dd, She asked him to come along to parents evening which he did.After this there was an incident at school which resulted in dd being sent to isolation. The following day i decided to keep dd off school as she was upset about the day before. I rang the school twice and informed them she wasnt coming in and arranged a meeting for the following monday. I then went to a course i was enrolled in. I got a call from my partner telling me a teacher from the school along with a police officer and a cpso and had taken my daughter back to school. When i got home my partner informed me he had been questioned (not under caution) the police officer was offensive in his manner of questioning. I went to the school and picked my dd up she was extremely upset as she had heard everything that had been said. I put a complaint in to the school as was unsure why she had been taken back to school.Then yesterday the same police officer turned up at my home with two women who wanted to read out claires law to me ( i know all about my partners past and have no concerns) The day before a letter was delivered by hand to the school to the chairman of govenors which seems a bit of a coincidence .Again the people that turned up at our home were offensive and were asked to leave 7 times what the hell can i do w are all so upset about this which has stemmed from bullying. I should add that the bullying has been done by ten asian youths not that the creed or colour matters but obviously the school picked up on this .Sorry for the long post i just wanted to get all points across.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 06/05/2017 12:21

Eh? I don't think I've ever seen a thread where it was considered OK

Nicknacky · 06/05/2017 12:21

Op, I think regardless of what the police come back and tell you, you need to end this relationship today. The warnings are all there and it would be foolish and naive if you chose to ignore them and yes, I would judge your parenting if you chose to stay with him.

If you had no children then you can do whatever you want regardless of the warning signs, but you have a responsibility to your daughter to show that woman deserve the best relationship they find, not one with major issues like this.

Oh and next time. Slow down! Don't move him in and have him at parents night for Christ sake, even if your daughter asks. You are the adult, not her.

dailystuck71 · 06/05/2017 12:23

Hope you get some answers at the station OP.

Booshbeesh · 06/05/2017 12:23

Where did the word harassment come from his mouth or yours?

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 12:26

How many threads are there on here about men who leave their partners to move in with the other woman within weeks and it's all okay because they were in a sexless marriage and they've met the love of their lives. Where's the difference?

What's the difference, seriously? Are they all known violent criminals with a known history of DV? And since when has anyone on MN ever said that it was ok in an example like yours?

LedaP · 06/05/2017 12:27

You don't understand Leda because you refuse to.

There are loads and loads of threads about husbands moving in with women they've been having an affair with, sometimes it lasted just weeks. A lot of these women they move in with have children. But it's deemed okay.

You are wrong. I didnt understand because i didnt understand.

I have also not seen anyone anywhere on here say its ok to move a man in that you are having an affait with, within weeks. Most threads here are written from the point of view of the person being left. I have never seen anyone say its ok for their partner to leave them and move in with the OW.

Its hugely irresponsible to move someone you barely know in with your kids.

Elendon · 06/05/2017 12:27

I've known parents who brought their partner of a couple of months to a parent evening session. But she was female, so it was okay. I wasn't happy with it simply because she wasn't the parent of the children involved and she had only just met the guy and his children. This in a perfectly middle class outstanding Primary. But, we all had to be liberal and inclusive, despite this person hearing personal details about the children involved (Yr5). I was angry.

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 12:28

And don't derail the thread with such irrelevant nonsense. What kind of agenda must you have to try and normalise such behaviors?

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 12:29

But she was female, so it was okay

Says who? And was she a female with convictions for extreme violence? No, so stop it.

Nicknacky · 06/05/2017 12:30

user The post was clearly being sarcastic.

JaneEyre70 · 06/05/2017 12:31

Well done OP for making that step. I hope someone is with you for support and you haven't told your partner. We're all here for you.

LedaP · 06/05/2017 12:31

Its not ok because their female.

People may not be able to stop it. But that doesnt make it ok. And the person to blame is the person moving them in/taking someone new to parents evening.

In your sitiation it was the father that was to blame. Not being able to stop something isnt the same as saying its ok.

You cant stop you ex introducing your kids to their new partner a couple of days in. But that doesnt make it ok or responsible parenting on the part of the ex.

TheGentleMoose · 06/05/2017 12:35

@Morgani97 Virtual hand holding. I hope you've been seen or that you have been offered advice and an appointment in the future. I was wondering what your support network is like where you are? Do you have family and good friends around you, or someone who could stay with your or vice versa over the weekend?

angieloumc · 06/05/2017 12:36

Please get this 'man' out of your lives today OP.

hrtbigbutt · 06/05/2017 12:43

If you don't cooperate with the school or the police, Children's Services will be knocking on your door before you know it, they will DISCLOSE everything to you and everybody else involved with your dd.
And from what you have stated OP this doesn't really sound like harassment from the police at this point.

Elendon · 06/05/2017 12:46

User and Leda you are derailing the thread because you choose to pronounce moral statements on the OPs life. I'm simply providing support to the OP and encouraging her. All you are doing is disparaging her lifestyle.

I've never met my exh's partner, yes he left her for me. Wouldn't know her from Adam. Yet she knows my children. Am I a bad mother?

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 12:50

You're the one wittering on about affairs and other nonsense.

I'm not disparaging her lifestyle, I'm telling her the truth about the situation she has created for herself. Which is much more useful than your attempts to remove all responsibility and compare it to much less serious situations.

I've never met my exh's partner, yes he left her for me. Wouldn't know her from Adam. Yet she knows my children. Am I a bad mother

Now we get it. It's about your own completely unrelated issues. Could you start your own thread for your own problems?

TheGentleMoose · 06/05/2017 12:55

'I'm telling her the truth about the situation she has created for herself.'

The OP is not to blame for this man's actions, past or present. She has not created this situation for herself. She is being proactive and taking steps to seek out credible information relating to any potential concerns that may have been raised.

LedaP · 06/05/2017 12:55

elendon you are derailing the thread.

You situation is nothing like the Ops. I clearly said in your situation HE is the one displaying bad parenting. You cant do anything to stop it. Legally you cant. But he shouldnt be doing it.

The Op is the one that moved this man in, she knew about his violent past and didnt think to verify it. She knew he had allegations of DV. She is in the same position as your ex. Not you.

I have supported the OP through the thread. I just disagree that she with people saying that she isnt to blame for any of this.

You are taking your sitiation, mixing it up and then some how trying to turn it into the ops situation.

Elendon · 06/05/2017 12:55

Well, that shut me up. I'm out.

Hope it all goes well for you OP. Sorry for the derail, but I hope you and your DD make it through this. I will read and no longer post. Please disregard all those who say you are a bad mother. You are not. x

GriefLeavesItsMark · 06/05/2017 12:56

If she was on her own she could move in the local rugby team and shag them in rotation and I wouldn't give a flying fuck. When her dodgy lifestyle choices affect a vulnerable child, that is when I start judging.

LedaP · 06/05/2017 12:57

She is being proactive and taking steps to seek out credible information relating to any potential concerns that may have been raised.

Yes she is now. But this situation is in part her fault too.

No one is disputing he is the voilent one, minimised his past, lied. No one is saying she is repsonsible for his actions.

But she is responsible for her own.

Notmyrealname85 · 06/05/2017 12:59

We need a button on threads to report derailing. This happens on every damn thread and escalates.

OP - good luck at the station Flowers It's such an unusual situation to be in and obviously has come as a shock, wishing you the best and know you'll do right by your daughter

GriefLeavesItsMark · 06/05/2017 12:59

And by moving in a complete stranger to play daddy, she has created the situation

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 06/05/2017 13:07

Good luck op