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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this remark?

135 replies

PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 03:53

In a restaurant with my boyfriend of 3 months (I'm late 40s, he's mid 50s - bf seems wrong but don't know what else to call him).

He says 'look at that woman behind you, she's the prettiest woman I've seen for a long time.'

(I did look, and actually didn't think the woman was that pretty...but that's not the point).

I was really hurt by this. I'm not the most secure person and all I heard was, 'she's much prettier than you'.

That might be absolutely true but why say it?

He knows I'm going to post here about it (and I'm not going to LTB) but would anyone else find this comment in any way upsetting? Or AIB completely U?!

OP posts:
megan77889900 · 06/05/2017 03:59

I would find that extremely upsetting. If i ever see a pretty girl and tell my boyfriend about it, he will seem not bothered or will say I'm prettier. That is out of the order. A boyfriend that has only eyes set on you and loves you wouldn't be looking at other girls and even if he was, wouldn't be saying something like this as it would obviously hurt you.

Have you told him you are hurt by this comment?

DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 06/05/2017 04:00

I think that's a very insensitive comment to make so I don't think you are unreasonable at all to be bothered by it.

What was your response? Was there any follow up to explain why he made this comment?

If you've only been together a few months, you may still be trying to know each other better so he may have commented without realising that it would upset you? I can't think of a scenario where I would be happy to sit on a date and point out people who were "better" looking than my partner, but maybe your boyfriend just isn't that suave and maybe he was nervous?

Di you mention that it upset you? That you felt it was rude etc?

DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 06/05/2017 04:00

I think that's a very insensitive comment to make so I don't think you are unreasonable at all to be bothered by it.

What was your response? Was there any follow up to explain why he made this comment?

If you've only been together a few months, you may still be trying to know each other better so he may have commented without realising that it would upset you? I can't think of a scenario where I would be happy to sit on a date and point out people who were "better" looking than my partner, but maybe your boyfriend just isn't that suave and maybe he was nervous?

Di you mention that it upset you? That you felt it was rude etc?

Original poster
PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 04:02

Yes we had a very long conversation about it. He says he didn't say it to hurt me, which I have absolutely no doubt about. I just think it's obvious it would be hurtful.

OP posts:
Newbiecat · 06/05/2017 04:04

YANBU I just can't imagine my husband ever saying this! He's not one to be soppy with emotions but we get on well with a mutual respect for one another. I doubt he would comment upon another woman much even if I were the one to say "isn't she pretty?"
This would make most women feel insecure. Why don't you sit down & talk to him telling him you were quite hurt by his comments?

Newbiecat · 06/05/2017 04:04

*cross posts!

KoalaDownUnder · 06/05/2017 04:08

There are things that you think without saying. This is one of them.

What he said was very insensitive, and he shouldn't be surprised that you're hurt.

Dumbo412 · 06/05/2017 04:10

😮😮😮😮😮 he said this? And you didn't happen to throw a glass of wine at him?
I know you said that LTB isn't an option, I just couldn't see a way that I could get over that. It would make me feel insecure and ugly to him for a very long time.

I don't think he's a very thoughtful person. I'm shocked that he felt that was appropriate to say to a woman who he should view as the most beautiful in the room at any time.

Annahibiscuits · 06/05/2017 04:12

Urgh, he's an idiot

Or he's sounding you out for a three-way

TheStoic · 06/05/2017 04:20

He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 04:24

I find that pretty insulting actually. I'd be upset too and would probably (to my own detriment) respond with something like "if you think she's that pretty, why don't you go over and have dinner with her then?"

It's extremely rude to compare your date (boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, wife, husband, whomever) unfavourably to A.N.Other random. Not only should you not really be looking at other people in that way, but if you do see someone, keep your thoughts to yourself! Don't comment out loud so that the other person then feels like a bag of spanners. >:(

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2017 04:25

Oops - emoji fail - meant Angry not >:(

TheStoic · 06/05/2017 04:26

Reminds me of a first date I went on.

Him: You are the most beautiful woman in this entire restaurant.
Me: 😳
Him: Oh wait. I didn't see that woman over there. She's gorgeous!
Me: 😁

Because it was a joke! It wasn't a joke because I was the most beautiful woman there. It was a joke because no man with even half a brain would ever say that to his date.

I ended up marrying that guy. For his sense of humour, his intelligence, and his bravery. ☺️

Original poster
PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 04:27

When we discussed it, he said he wasn't making a comparison.

But to me, it clearly is. That wasn't his motivation for saying it, but it's obvious he's saying she's prettier than me (which is probably true - but as many of you have said, why say it out loud?).

OP posts:
CelestialFox · 06/05/2017 04:29

YANBU what a disrespectful thing to say to a woman you supposedly care about Confused

MrsPeelyWaly · 06/05/2017 04:34

Pamela to be the ages you are you both sound ridiculous. He said what he did, you told him you'd post here - its more the behaviour of 14 year olds in McDonalds.

TheStoic · 06/05/2017 04:34

Of course it was a comparison.

He didn't say she was pretty. He said she was 'the prettiest' he'd seen in a long time. Presumably straight after he'd been looking at you. Confused

Original poster
PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 04:38

Hahahha. You're probably right MrsPeely.

Stoic - yes that's exactly how I felt. I'm not deluded about my looks but surely no one wants to hear that.

OP posts:
Plunkette · 06/05/2017 04:49

It's extremely rude to comment on anyone else's looks while on a date.

Given that he's in his fifties and is not some gauche 17 year old he's being disingenuous to say he didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Had he had previous long term relationships?

Koalablue · 06/05/2017 05:00

Has he appologized or is he just making excuses.
If he has said sorry and means it then I would let it go but if he hasnt I would have trouble forgiving. That was a hurtful thing to say.

Annahibiscuits · 06/05/2017 05:10

For me, I wouldnt feel hurt or 'jealous', but put off because it's such a vacuous and tedious thing to say/conversation. It makes him sound a bit of a creep tbh and I couldn't be doing with it

Annahibiscuits · 06/05/2017 05:10

And referring to grown women as 'pretty' is also a bit infantilising

Hapaxlegomenon · 06/05/2017 05:12

It would have spoilt the dinner for me and I would hold a grudge.

MissEDashwood · 06/05/2017 05:15

Some men, seem to have a connection between their brain and mouth severed at some point, or it rots away with alcohol consumption.

I would be pissed off too and say something like, 'Oh thanks, shall we swap places!'

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I remember when I was little being told beauty is only skin deep, ugliness goes down to the bone.

I'm one of these idol women where you take me as you find me. I seldom wear make up, when I do I get all excited and ask can you tell anything different? Because I don't shovel it on with a trowel it's rarely seen.

Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 05:16

Yanbu. Its an odd thing to say on a date. I suppose only 3 months in your only just getting to know each other. I would definitely be put off this