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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this remark?

135 replies

PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 03:53

In a restaurant with my boyfriend of 3 months (I'm late 40s, he's mid 50s - bf seems wrong but don't know what else to call him).

He says 'look at that woman behind you, she's the prettiest woman I've seen for a long time.'

(I did look, and actually didn't think the woman was that pretty...but that's not the point).

I was really hurt by this. I'm not the most secure person and all I heard was, 'she's much prettier than you'.

That might be absolutely true but why say it?

He knows I'm going to post here about it (and I'm not going to LTB) but would anyone else find this comment in any way upsetting? Or AIB completely U?!

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 06/05/2017 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoulAccount · 06/05/2017 08:06

It sounds crass and lacking in social skills.

ddssdd · 06/05/2017 08:08

Hi, OP.

I think he meant to say it. It did it's intended purpose, to make you feel insecure, second-guess, question, ruminate...He may never need to make that comment again, because he has you exactly where he wants you. And, as an aside, I think he would have said it about any woman in that room. The target is you.

Quickieat2 · 06/05/2017 08:17

I think it's a weird thing for a man to say to his partner. Does he go around rating and valuing women on how pretty they are? Because that would be pretty shallow. Constantly comparing looks or belongings isn't a fast track to happiness.

You wouldnt say to your partner 'oh that mans got a the best body I've ever seen' because you care about how your partner feels.

AtSea1979 · 06/05/2017 08:17

I'm sorry OP but I have to agree with all the other posts and I've put up with some shit in my time when dating but if you honestly believe he never meant to hurt you then you are kidding yourself. He's 50, he wasn't born yesterday, he knew exactly what he was doing and it was, as others have said, negging.
Your reaction smacks of desperation though, telling how he hurt you, telling him you were posting on MN etc. Then only thing you should have said was "well enjoy your dinner with her" and left, with your dignity and self respect in tact...then started a thread on here about the worst dates any body has had.

Quickieat2 · 06/05/2017 08:18

Yes and I agree he might have said it intentionally to make you feel insecure. It would probably make me question the sort of person he is and if I wanted to be with him.

Fiddlefaddle2303 · 06/05/2017 08:19

Hmmm, insensitive yes.

But is this not just a different version of women ogling handsome fire fighters etc.

I would probably just point out the next handsome man...... If you like this guy try not take it personally x

NotHotDogMum · 06/05/2017 08:20

After only three months? I'd run for the hills....this one is not a keeper

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2017 08:23

... I am with those who think it's fine for him to notice, and think that. The problem is him voicing it. I am also surprised he got to 50 without realising this

I very much doubt he did. Unless she drip feeds to say he has some social interaction issues or something then he knew fine well what he was doing.

And it's very different to ogling firefighters (who does that anyway) he wasn't ogling, he pointed out a woman in the room to her and told her thr woman was prettier than the op. He even made her look.

I'm not sure I'd end it either, but it would be a massive red flag to watch out for other ways he may try to undermine. I would though tell him he was a total arse hole sleaze bag and do the same back to him.

Mysterycat23 · 06/05/2017 08:24

OP this guy is taking the piss. He's testing you to see if you'll be a willing victim to his preferred relationship style of emotional abuser. Consider this comment a huge red flag and gtf away from this arsewipe. I bet looking back there have been other red flags too, comments and actions designed to undermine your confidence, make you feel insecure and confused. You don't deserve this. Remember that the next time he does or says something incredibly hurtful.

PeterHouseMD · 06/05/2017 08:27

I wouldn't feel hurt or upset by this comment.

It would make me wonder if I was dating an idiot, though.

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2017 08:31

I wouldn't feel hurt or upset by this commen. It would make me wonder if I was dating an idiot, though

This. Unless the woman was knock out stunning and the comment was understandable. I wouldn't be upset by it but It would tell me something about him. As said he's either thick as mince or he's got a nasty streak to him.

As a previous poster said, she's probably just found out why he's single and no other woman wants him.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 06/05/2017 08:32

I think you have to look at bigger picture. Is he usually respectful and nice?

Everyone has faux pas moments doesnt mean he is grooming you for abuse.

But if its a consistent pattern LTB

Chloe84 · 06/05/2017 08:35

Note to OP's boyfriend - don't be a twat.

User99573864 · 06/05/2017 08:40

Not really, DH and I often discuss what or who we find attractive, we're secure enough to know that just looking at another beautiful person doesn't mean we will jump into bed with them, we love the total sum of each other; looks, flaws, shared experiences, soul, personality. It sounds very corny but our love is based on a lot more than looks, although of course i find DH very attractive!

emilybrontescorset · 06/05/2017 08:40

I wouldn't waste any more time with this tosser.

Notonthestairs · 06/05/2017 08:52

What Peterhouse and Bluntness said.
I don't think this is the man for you.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 08:52

Bluntness

Yes, I agree

Either he has a social communication disorder, which is, of course, possible

or

he's an arsehole

User

Yes, me too. But I've been married for 20 years. After 3 months someone should not be so sure they won't hurt you by saying this

LozzaChops101 · 06/05/2017 09:00

He's too old to be that stupid, surely. He sounds a bit sleazy.

Honestly if he's doing this 3 months in, imagine what he'd be like in 10 years?! And why won't you ditch him?!

Only1scoop · 06/05/2017 09:01

Sounds immature, not the brightest button in the sewing kit perhaps?

DonaldStott · 06/05/2017 09:07

Dump. He's a prick. He should not be making you feel insecure after 12 weeks.

If he can do this to you now, imagine what it will be like a year down the line.

The 'in a long time' would have pissed me off since you haven't been dating him for a long time.

He can think it, but very rude to raise your awareness to it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/05/2017 09:08

You've been seeing him for 3 months, he's already shown himself to be, at best, socially incompetent and at worst disrespectful, uncaring, 'not that into you'. So, is your bar set SO low you'll be happy with this for the rest of your life? If the answer is yes, crack on. If the answer is no, then stop seeing him. If he hasn't learnt better by now, he never will.

alicemalice · 06/05/2017 09:08

So is he reading these responses? I hope so.

user1493759849 · 06/05/2017 09:24

Agree with atsea1979

I'm sorry OP but I have to agree with all the other posts and I've put up with some shit in my time when dating but if you honestly believe he never meant to hurt you then you are kidding yourself. He's 50, he wasn't born yesterday, he knew exactly what he was doing and it was, as others have said, negging. Your reaction smacks of desperation though, telling how he hurt you, telling him you were posting on MN etc. Then only thing you should have said was "well enjoy your dinner with her" and left, with your dignity and self respect in tact...then started a thread on here about the worst dates any body has had.

He sounds like an insecure cunt who is trying to undermine your confidence. Why the fuck would he say this, when he is on a DATE with a WOMAN? What a vile pig.

I would have also said 'well why don't you have dinner with HER then?' And got up and walked out.

user1493759849 · 06/05/2017 09:25

Yeah this WAS inconsiderate actually. I had a boyfriend once who saw fit to talk about female work colleagues very positively. I got sick to death of hearing 'Mandy's the funniest girl I've ever met; she's amazing.' And 'Sue is proper gorgeous, all the men fancy her.' And how he spent an hour talking to Lyn about their mutual love of football and cars.

I put up with this horrible, insecure little cretin for 6 months. Fuck knows why. He rarely paid me a compliment, and often had a pop at my 'pot belly,' and my 'fat arse.' (I was 9 stone.) Hmm

Yeah the man in the OP was in the wrong. How would he have felt if she gabbled on to him about this man she knows who is amazing and gorgeous, and has a fantastic job - better than any other man she knows.

Dickhead. Hmm