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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this remark?

135 replies

PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 03:53

In a restaurant with my boyfriend of 3 months (I'm late 40s, he's mid 50s - bf seems wrong but don't know what else to call him).

He says 'look at that woman behind you, she's the prettiest woman I've seen for a long time.'

(I did look, and actually didn't think the woman was that pretty...but that's not the point).

I was really hurt by this. I'm not the most secure person and all I heard was, 'she's much prettier than you'.

That might be absolutely true but why say it?

He knows I'm going to post here about it (and I'm not going to LTB) but would anyone else find this comment in any way upsetting? Or AIB completely U?!

OP posts:
TheStoic · 06/05/2017 11:28

But the idea that when you're in a relationship you should think your other half is the most amazingly, beautiful most awesome individual on the entire planet is just ridiculous.

Way to spectacularly miss the point.

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/05/2017 11:29

""Some men, seem to have a connection between their brain and mouth severed at some point,""

They haven't, they just know that there's enough Women out there that will put up with this shit and still have sex with them. Whereas a Man would be gone.

OP, I'd be on the look out for any other behavior of this type and if he ever tells you that "you're making a fuss because of your past or insecurities", then end it.

You've self disclosed to him, watch out for him now using it against you.

If anything happens that you aren't sure about, go onto the relationship board. It helped me to end a toxic relationship. I'm nearly 50, it can happen to any of us.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 06/05/2017 11:31

But the idea that when you're in a relationship you should think your other half is the most amazingly, beautiful most awesome individual on the entire planet is just ridiculous.

Nobody thinks that, but to say it is nasty and disrespectful.

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/05/2017 11:32

""Ok next time you are in public find a man, gaze at him then say, that man has the best body I have ever seen. Look at him he is gorgeous, go on look, he is pure perfection, I wish I was with a man who looked as good as he does.""

That doesn't work in what could be/become an abusive/toxic relationship. It will be remembered and used against you, in the future.

Relationships shouldn't work like that. It's better to set boundaries and stick to them, or get out, especially gone 45, you'r both mature enough to not game play.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 11:36

I would be interested to know what his self-declared insecurities were

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 11:49

I havent missed the poiny at all! I have JUST said that me and DH don't voice it all the time, but it's not massively unreasonable for a passing comment. I also qualified it (like another poster did!) that maybe that's because we've been together a long time.

You see this entire "nobody must view anyone as attractive" thing all the the time on MN. It's one of the reasons that so many threads come up like "DH has a female friends whose attractive and I'm not happy about them talking but if she was ugly then I'd be cool"

The man on the date was insensitive, but taking it as some kind of fundamental attack on your own appearance and is totally excessive.

And some of the replies about how that would be enough to hold a grudge/LRB just prove how many women seem to feel that way.

I'm no work of art, but my sense of self worth isn't so fragile that one comment would make my sling a relationship or throw a mood.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 11:50

Maisy

That is the point. That you have been together a long time

The OP hasn't

Anything else is irrelevant and you just making a point about what you assume 'MN' thinks

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 11:51

..... most people do not think it's wrong because it is a fundamental attack on the OPs appearance.

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 11:55

Yeah, maybe being together longer means I'm not bothered by that kind of thing.

But even if you haven't been together long, it's ONE insensitive comment. ONE.

My comment about what people have said on MN is based on what people say on MN. It doesn't mean everyone thinks that, but some of the replies on here are essentially:

  1. Leave
  2. I'd be in a mood and throw a tantrum
  3. He must be emotionally manipulative, look at these things on line that prove people who do this are just trying to make you grateful for their attention
  4. If you accept that it's a one off insensitive comment then you need to set your bar higher.

It was ONE insensitive comment and people are carrying on like he must be some kind of nasty man with an ego who just loves destroying women.

See so many threads where nobody can have just been mean or had poor judgement, they MUST be a narc, must be emotionally abusive etc. The guy screwed up. So does everyone. Less hysteria would be better.

ChristmasFluff · 06/05/2017 11:58

I agree with all the people who are saying it is negging.

Bear in mind you are three months in. He's still 'sending his best representative' when you are together, so this is as thoughtful and considerate as he will ever be. It's just a question of whether that's fine by you or not.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 11:59

I was with you until you mentioned 'hysteria'

If you think that womens' well-argued points, based on their own experiences can be dismissed as 'hysteria' (a term used to dismiss women's reactions ) then I'll stop listening to you

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 11:59

^^ that was to MaisyPops

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 12:00

Why should it automatically be seen as negging? This is my point!

He's made ONE incentive comment. Everyone in life has made insensitive comments. Why can't we just say it was insensitive and hurtful and he screwed up early on in a relationship?

Again it's like people can't be arseholes they must be narcissists. People can't have just had an argument with their partner, it must be emotionally abuse.

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 12:03

NotYoda
My thing on hysteria wasn't linked to OP or anything. It's about the trend at the moment to take something small and turn it into something massive.

E.g. a falling out with a friend must be bullying, someone isn't an arsehole they must be a narcissist, someone doesn't argue with a partner because it was a disagreement it must be emotionally abuse, someone isn't under the weather a bit they must be depressed etc.
I think that trend on some of these threads is hysterical and almost minimised very real and serious issues.

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/05/2017 12:05

Maisy, perhaps if you've been with your DP a long time then you forget or don't know what dating should be like, past 25-30.

You're still in a honeymoon period and aren't comfy enough to come out with this stuff.

It wasn't just the comment, it was the dismissing of the OP's feelings about it and even this thread, tbh.

It sounds as though the OP is already second guessing herself (or being made to). In your late 40's, this shouldn't be how it is.

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 12:10

Birdsgottaf1y
I've said being with someone a while means that it wouldn't bother me.

Equally, I've said that he's said one thing. And people are jumping to it being negging etc when it could be as simple as he's just screwed up. I think that is excessive. Why can't we just say it was a stupid thing to say.

Then when the OP has said he's lovely and it's just this time people have suggested she raises the bar and gone on about him just saying things so she'll be grateful etc.

Yes, I have dismissed some of the things, because based on someone saying one insensitive comment to OP and the OP has said he's otherwise lovely I think some of the suggestions are way over the top.

MistySparrow · 06/05/2017 12:41

So now be knows your other insecurities - it will be interesting to see what he does with those. I agree with aaaargh - he is trying to make you insecure - even if not consciously.

daisychain01 · 06/05/2017 15:47

Maisy you are minimising the OPs concerns. It may just be "one comment" to you but to her it stung. Given they are only 3 months into the relationship it doesnt bode well with him not only noticing other women but vocalising the comparison as a superlative . Did he really think the OP would love to hear him say that?

Ever heard of the expression "comparison is the thief of joy"?

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 17:22

I've said it was hurtful to her and insensitive even if it wouldn't bother me after years together. I've also stated fact that that it was one comment.

It's not minimising to suggest that some replies are way over the top.Some posters are far too quick to take small actions and turn them into entire psychological profiles and abusive relationships.

Advice on this thread:

  1. Leave
  2. I'd be in a mood and throw a tantrum
  3. He must be emotionally manipulative, look at these things on line that prove people who do this are just trying to make you grateful for their attention
  4. If you accept that it's a one off insensitive comment then you need to set your bar higher.

Whereas I'm more of the view it was ONE comment, yes it was hurtful. But let's not start creating drama suggesting that because he's made ONE comment he must be a dickhead who wants to manipulate the OP.

TheStoic · 07/05/2017 02:02

I'm no work of art, but my sense of self worth isn't so fragile that one comment would make my sling a relationship or throw a mood.

Missed the point again.

Seren85 · 07/05/2017 03:14

Ignoring the slight derail, surely anyone aged over 16 knows that the statement would be hurtful? I'm under no illusion that DH is the hottest man ever, objectively, and vice versa because we are human. To me he is and me to him. But ffs, you don't verbalise someone being more objectively attractive than your OH. Just no.

RubbishMantra · 07/05/2017 03:49

"But the idea that when you're in a relationship you should think your other half is the most amazingly, beautiful most awesome individual on the entire planet is just ridiculous"

Because they are? Why on earth would you /marry them/partner up if you didn't see them that way?

I suppose if you settle or go for the 'safe bet' it's different.

MissEDashwood · 07/05/2017 03:54

I'm glad it led to a discussion where lots got bought into the open.

I tend to feel, OK it's inevitable that men will assess others. To verbalise what he did though wasn't that nice. As OP says they both have insecurities.

Hopefully it'll all be dealt with.

MaisyPops · 07/05/2017 06:14

I suppose if you settle or go for the 'safe bet' it's different
Nothing about that.
You fall in love with the whole.person and whole package.
It doesn't mean that there's not going to be some elements that other people do.better.
E.g. I exercise and try to keep fit. But when I've been at the gym or at runs there are women who have better figures than me. DH loves me for me. But he's not blind to thr fact that elements of their figure are better.

I just don't have this idealised view where you never notice anyone. (And before I get quoted again. I've already said millions of time I know that's different from he OP etc)

TheStoic · 07/05/2017 07:17

I just don't have this idealised view where you never notice anyone.

You, and almost every other person on the planet.

It's not the noticing. You genuinely don't understand, do you.

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