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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this remark?

135 replies

PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 03:53

In a restaurant with my boyfriend of 3 months (I'm late 40s, he's mid 50s - bf seems wrong but don't know what else to call him).

He says 'look at that woman behind you, she's the prettiest woman I've seen for a long time.'

(I did look, and actually didn't think the woman was that pretty...but that's not the point).

I was really hurt by this. I'm not the most secure person and all I heard was, 'she's much prettier than you'.

That might be absolutely true but why say it?

He knows I'm going to post here about it (and I'm not going to LTB) but would anyone else find this comment in any way upsetting? Or AIB completely U?!

OP posts:
MakChoon · 06/05/2017 09:26

I want to hear all about his amazing qualities that mean you're not considering LTB... 😀

RB68 · 06/05/2017 09:37

He is objectifying women - and in an inappropriate situation as well - any woman would have taken offence. He is with you attention should have been on you and he should have kept his mouth shut.

daisychain01 · 06/05/2017 10:03

In MN-speak, its a mind-fuck.

Brace yourself for months more of vile assaults on your self-worth, until you slam the door in his face and kick him to the curb in favour of someone who is serious in building a relationship with you not any random woman he happens to ogle at in a restaurant.

Why not fast-track and make Today the best day to tell him to get stuffed.

TheHouseOfIllRepute · 06/05/2017 10:14

My exh used to do this
We were young. 17 when we started going out. He was lovely in many ways but I left him over this and more of the same
I think he wanted me insecure. He called me jealous if I said anything about it

Botanicbaby · 06/05/2017 10:14

Oh dear.

Only 3 months in and he already knows you're going to post on here about it? Doesn't bode well.

I wouldn't be hurt by this comment as I'd think what an arsehole to say something like that on a date. D'ya think he'd be posting on a forum for opinions if situation were reversed?

WhooooAmI24601 · 06/05/2017 10:19

He's an insecure child. Secure men don't seek out insecure women (or attempt to make the women they love feel insecure). Only insecure folk do that. They also don't try to minimise what they've just said by saying "I didn't mean it like that". Only man babies do that.

Relationships with insecure people are based on fear and make you feel like shit. I see nothing to be gained for you from a relationship with an insecure man.

nowitcomesout · 06/05/2017 10:23

If LTB is not an option for you then sorry, but I think you need to raise your standards. What a creep Confused

MamaHanji · 06/05/2017 10:29

I'm still going to say it.

LTB!

What a creep. He is 50. Unless he has never been in a relationship or even interacted with a woman before, he knew damn well it was a disrespectful, clumsy thing to say at best. Set the bar a lot higher.

Talith · 06/05/2017 10:31

I don't think you are unreasonable to be hurt by that. My husband once told me about a girl he fancied in the past who was "out of his league" to which I responsed "SO WHAT AM I? BLOODY THIRD DIVISION?!" Ooo I was fuming.

happypoobum · 06/05/2017 10:35

I know you said you wouldn't but I would LTB.

It's only been a few months and he's already scouting around for someone else and/or deliberately trying to make you feel insecure.

Who needs that?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 06/05/2017 10:36

To me he sounds really sleazy. No way I would continue a relationship with someone like that. Women are more than just what they look like. Ugh.

DJBaggySmalls · 06/05/2017 10:41

Look at the seciond item on this list;
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

Its the first move in a game to make you feel insecure. and it worked. You've initiated 2 conversions about it and said you'll post here.
I expect he's feeling pretty important right now.

He is controlling. and you go along with it.
If you want to explore the issue honestly then read I'm Ok, You're Ok and Games People Play by Eric Berne.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
and take a course in assertiveness training.

MistySparrow · 06/05/2017 10:46

That would be a red flag to me. He's trying to make you jealous and hook you in.

Original poster
PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 10:49

Thanks everyone. An overwhelming response!
Some of you have asked if he is nice, considerate etc in other ways.

The answer is absolutely yes. This is why I have been so floored by the remark.

We've talked again this morning. He is apologetic and the conversation led to lots of other areas that we both have insecurities about.

The reason I posted here was because I genuinely wanted to know what other people thought and whether I was overreacting.

As I said I am not going to LTB. I don't mean ever, I mean about this.

I will keep an eye / ear out for other things which are said to make me feel insecure. To date, this is the only one.

Thanks. It's been helpful.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/05/2017 10:50

They also don't try to minimise what they've just said by saying "I didn't mean it like that

I agree. It says a lot about a person who said what he said in the context he did and to the person he did, it says an awful lot more That he then refused to own it and played dumb. Says a lot him and who he is and none of it good.

Unless he does have social interaction problems, I'd guess rhe mask is staring to slip and she's Starting to see who he really is.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 10:53

OK

Good that you are going to take it seriously

But 'the conversation led to lots of other areas we both have insecurities about' sounds suspiciously like you both concluded that this was one such area. Which it isn't.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/05/2017 10:56

My first thought was re negging (stupid pick up artists line).

Second thought : prize idiot.

I would be giving him last and only last chance

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/05/2017 11:05

Hi op. What do you mean the conversation lead into other areas you both have insecurities about?

Because this isn't an insecurity. This is him trying (and succeeding) to doubt yourself. No normal sane nice person would say that to someone on a date.

I repeat. It's not your insecurity. It's his. Trying to make you insecure. And doubt yourself. And grateful he will spend time with you (poor lowly not so pretty woman)

My DH meets a lot of attractive women in his work. Models etc. I don't even begin to think I compare. He never says how pretty they are. He ALWAYS tells me how gorgeous I am.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/05/2017 11:07

An utterly ridiculous comment, a total turn off, for me.
You are only three months in, and he's already negging !

MoonfaceAndSilky · 06/05/2017 11:10

As I see it, there are only 2 reasons he would have said this and made you bloody look at her :

  1. He has had very little experience with relationships
  2. He was trying to make you feel insecure

There are no other reasons, are there?

DanglyEarOrnaments · 06/05/2017 11:12

I agree negging. That's the first thing i thought when you said the woman wasn't so stunning to be commenting on like that.

Even if she had been he'd be rude to comment but in this case it sounds a deliberate 'game', testing you to see what you'll put up with!

DJBaggySmalls · 06/05/2017 11:15

OK, I'm going to let my post stand and hide this thread.

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 11:15

I don't understand this game where we are suppose to pretend that the person we are with is the best looking ever when they clearly are not. I have been married over 25 years now maybe I would have felt differently at 3 months.
Sums up me and DH. Not married as long though, just a couple of years.

If he sees a woman who clearly works out and looks good, it's not a big deal if DH notices and says something.We generally don't make a point for pointing it out regularly.
But the idea that when you're in a relationship you should think your other half is the most amazingly, beautiful most awesome individual on the entire planet is just ridiculous.

Hissy · 06/05/2017 11:22

It's been a paltry 12weeks and you think you're wedded to stay with him?

God your self esteem must be shot to pieces

You barely know this bloke and the fact he even notices other women is damning enough, let alone being rude and crass enough to actually comment.

In this short a time this kind of thing just shouldn't happen.
are you reall so desperate to think you need to cling on to someone? Anyone?

This is a warning. He's testing you, and right this second you've failed. He will find more things to hurt you with.

Take a break from him and find out what your value is.

Set your sights higher.

emilybrontescorset · 06/05/2017 11:25

Ok next time you are in public find a man, gaze at him then say, that man has the best body I have ever seen. Look at him he is gorgeous, go on look, he is pure perfection, I wish I was with a man who looked as good as he does.
Then stop talking and wait for your boyfriend's reaction. I can guarantee be willing not be pleased.
Alternatively, ltb.