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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this remark?

135 replies

PamelaFlitton31 · 06/05/2017 03:53

In a restaurant with my boyfriend of 3 months (I'm late 40s, he's mid 50s - bf seems wrong but don't know what else to call him).

He says 'look at that woman behind you, she's the prettiest woman I've seen for a long time.'

(I did look, and actually didn't think the woman was that pretty...but that's not the point).

I was really hurt by this. I'm not the most secure person and all I heard was, 'she's much prettier than you'.

That might be absolutely true but why say it?

He knows I'm going to post here about it (and I'm not going to LTB) but would anyone else find this comment in any way upsetting? Or AIB completely U?!

OP posts:
Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 05:19

Yanbu - It's an odd thing to say on a date. I suppose 3 months in your still get to know him but I would be put off by this and alarm bells ringing

RubbishMantra · 06/05/2017 05:43

He was probably "negging", like they recommend on those PUA(?) websites and books. Batter the Woman's self esteem, so the woman will feel 'grateful' for more dates/shags.

Fuck him off. You deserve better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 05:53

Perhaps give him some examples of behaviour you find inappropriate so you clear the air? And no, you don't want to hear about his perverse fantasies and wanking off to photos of Arnold Swarzenegger Wink. Then any negging as suggested by RubbishMantra can be called out.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 06/05/2017 05:58

Annahibiscuits Grin

ChocIsNotSweet · 06/05/2017 06:09

In all honestly sometimes I see someone and think wow they're good looking, but I would never point it out specifically to my dp. Just because your together it doesn't mean everyone else becomes hideous trolls but I do agree he should have kept this to himself .

Plunkette · 06/05/2017 06:09

I thought it sounded like "negging" too Rubbish.

The aim OP is to make you (metaphorically) jump up and down saying "pick me, pick me".

Read up about it OP you might notice more in his conversation...

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 06/05/2017 06:31

Maybe he meant shes EVEN prettier than you which is hard to believe?

Still shouldnt have said it though.

Is he usually nice?

DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 06/05/2017 06:37

If he his negging he is not very good at it as it's supposed to be subtle!
Not "oh wow, she's hotter that you" Hmm

Does he come across as self assured/ confident? Negging tends to be a nasty bi-product of insecurity

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 06:42

I would ditch him for that.

Am early 50's and boyfriendy partner person is late fifties.

Not one other date would he get.

"Off you do pop and date miss pretty over there."

Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/05/2017 06:48

And now you know why he was single up to three months ago Wink

Bluntness100 · 06/05/2017 06:48

What a bizzare thing for him to say. If he was in his teens I'd think he was just immature, but s man in his fifties knows what he's doing when he says something like that, even if he pretends afterwards it was all harmless and innocent.

I'd see this as a red flag, he may be one of those men who undermine women and make them feel bad about themselves. If not then he is thick as mince with no understanding of social interactions. It's one or the other.

I genuinely don't know any man who would make a woman turn round to look st another woman he wished to point out was prettier than her. I think it says something deeply unpleasant about him.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 06/05/2017 07:03

Many people probably wouldn't like this but I must be unusual as it really wouldn't bother me. If Dh said it we would just have an objective conversation about the other woman's looks. I don't understand this game where we are suppose to pretend that the person we are with is the best looking ever when they clearly are not. I have been married over 25 years now maybe I would have felt differently at 3 months.

Headofthehive55 · 06/05/2017 07:04

Id be pointing out some other guy and saying he's better looking that your BF. Especially if he's not...tee hee. And give him a complex.

Goodadvice1980 · 06/05/2017 07:08

OP, why on earth have you set the bar so low by saying you won't ltb? It sounds pathetic.

Are you that desperate for a boyfriend that you will accept lousy and disrespectful treatment?

He is testing the waters to see how far he can push you and to see how strong (or in this case weak) your boundaries are. Stop being a wet lettuce and tell him to feck off.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/05/2017 07:17

Of course he was trying to upset you. He only said he wasn't because you called him on it. He's negging you whether he realises it or not. No man in the world would point out how much more attractive another woman is unless they wanted their partner to feel bad.

As you said, she wasn't even that good looking. Maybe if Cindy Crawford in her prime wandered in he (or you) might be shocked into saying something out loud, but just some average woman? Deliberately trying to hurt/test you.

TheElephantofSurprise · 06/05/2017 07:19

Why are you with this loser? You're not going to LTB? So you like him belittling you?
You hardly know him and he has already started undermining your self-confidence.
Bye, mister.

zen1 · 06/05/2017 07:30

Very strange comment to make, particularly when you are newly dating someone and should still be at the stage of trying to impress. I don't believe that he didn't know that comment would hurt your feelings. Has he don't anything else undermining?

LostSight · 06/05/2017 07:32

I'm nearly 50, DH is 45. He tells me I'm the most beautiful in the world and I believe he thinks it. For all I know, he might be thinking exactly what your BF said, but I will never know because he would have the tact and self restraint not to say it to the woman he loves.

You've been with him three months? You've said you're not going to leave, which is your decision to make. I think I probably would, but if not, then I woukd certainly be watching out for strike two, and after that I would have the self-respect to walk away.

Shoxfordian · 06/05/2017 07:32

He's disrespectful

Me and my boyfriend were in a smart hotel bar with a lot of beautiful young women wearing dresses and I was sitting there in my jumper I'd been wearing all day. The women were also all thinner than me. He said I was the most beautiful woman in the room.

Your partner should make you feel confident and beautiful not comment on other women's looks. Even if he did think the woman was pretty he should have just kept quiet.

As you've not been together long then I suggest you Ltb and find a kind man who respects you

April229 · 06/05/2017 07:44

How rude and disrespectful.

Suggest you return the favour if he seems confused, and take a shine to the waiter.

WizardOfToss · 06/05/2017 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotHotDogMum · 06/05/2017 07:48

He's obviously entitled to think this, but was a knob for saying it to you.

I would be very wary of dating a man who is so thoughtless and openly admiring other women while on a date with me, sleazy and insensitive IMO

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:53

That was rude

Watching TV, fine. Not real woman, whilst across the table from you

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:55

... I am with those who think it's fine for him to notice, and think that. The problem is him voicing it. I am also surprised he got to 50 without realising this

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:57

(Actually, now I think about it, if he were to comment on someone on TV after only three months together I'd be thinking he wasn't trying very hard with you)