Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Overlooked.

155 replies

JustAPlasticBag · 06/05/2017 02:47

Genuine question, feel free to berate me but mostly I just want to have a bit of a moan and a rant really Blush

My friends DC's birthday is the day before mine. This usually means that I spend most of the 2/3 months leading up helping her book the party, shopping for presents, decorations, helping find a cake maker, helping organise said party with food etc (as she does for my DS birthday)...

... and my birthday the next day is totally forgotten. I get a text from her, but she's still preoccupied with her DC' Birthday aftermath and is usually subsequently skint to do anything like go out for my birthday, or too worn out and exhausted to do anything for it. Our mutual friends (there are 5 in our 'friend group' 3 of us which have kids) also go all out for all of our DC's birthdays, but mine is the only one to fall so close after one of our DC, so they're all usually skint or just busy again after helping her plan. On my birthday I get cards, a nice present from them all and a promise of a wine night at one of their houses on the weekend two weeks after it.

Of course I don't begrudge my friends DC having an amazing birthday and I genuinely love helping plan and organise it and seeing his face when he opens his presents (he calls me aunty and we are extremely close and I absolutely adore him) and we all do the same for each other's DC so it's not an issue with that at all.

But I made a small suggestion tonight well in advance (my birthday is months and months away!) that maybe we could all go out the weekend of my birthday (it falls on a Saturday) and put some money aside for it in preparation to do something. This was immediately shot down by this particular friend who's DC's birthday is before mine and once again replaced with the 'night in two weeks after when everything's calmed down' suggestion. I commented that it hurt my feelings a little that we couldn't at least do something but I was out-voted and in the end everyone nodded in agreement with the suggestion made and we swiftly moved back to talk about the other friends DD's birthday that's next week.

For some reason this time it's really made me feel down. (It's a big 'milestone' this year so maybe that's why I'm just feeling off out of the 6-7 years this has been happening...) my friends birthdays are well away from the other DC's (two share the same month and the other two are also quite close together) so we always go out for their birthdays (mostly joint birthdays) and we always celebrate big and I never begrudge them of it. In fact I'm usually the organiser (for kids birthdays and friends alike.)

I'm not asking for a huge event or parade - just something. AIBU and selfish to want to celebrate my birthday for once? The only people who seem genuinely excited for it are my work colleagues and although I'll have a blast celebrating with them, it just hurts to think my friends won't be there and that I'm always the forgotten birthday...

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAPlasticBag · 06/05/2017 02:51

I just released I didn't explain this bit well; we celebrate their birthdays in style, but mine is usually a night-in wine and DVD event. I suppose I'm feeling a little left out Blush

OP posts:
YoureSparticus · 06/05/2017 02:58

2-3 months to plan a childs (or anyone's) Birthday Party?

That's the unreasonable part here.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/05/2017 03:14

Yanbu to want to celebrate your birthday but all this organisation, pressure, providing help, preparation, seeing his little face, all hands on deck for months and exhaustion for a child's party is utterly weird Confused I really can't get my head around it at all, you speak about like a wedding, maybe if the preparation drama was toned down it might help

Original poster
JustAPlasticBag · 06/05/2017 03:29

It's not preparation for solid months, but we all work quite demanding jobs so we don't see each other a lot as it is (mostly every other weekend / occasional weekday) plus our lives outside of this friend group, but in honesty this particular birthday before mine is usually the biggest (she's the most well-off out of us all and his birthday is usually quite the big deal as far as kids birthdays go). It's probably baffling to those reading it but it's a routine we've all fallen into of helping prep when we can etc so it's the norm for me now Blush

OP posts:
Topseyt · 06/05/2017 03:36

Why does it take months to organise a child's birthday? That's weird and OTT. Takes a couple of weeks at most.

Celebrate your birthday if you want to. Maybe not with this friend. Step back from the ridiculous preparations for her child's birthday.

chitofftheshovel · 06/05/2017 03:38

Yabu. Birthdays, once you get past about 21 birthdays have no meaning surely?

But like others, can't believe the organisation and planning for a kids birthday, which they will probably have very little memory of.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 06/05/2017 03:46

If you want to do something special for your birthday then do something special. Do you not have a DP or family or other friends you can plan a weekend away with or a party at a special restaurant/club? Looks to me like you're the friendship group doormat and as long as you meekly continue to let yourself be 'outvoted' they'll happily walk all over you. Make a stand, it's a kid's birthday ffs, what's there really to plan or organize? Why can't his party be the week before? This group of friends and your constant birthday planning sounds like a bloody nightmare to me. If any of my friends wanted me to spend 2-3 months helping her plan her kid's party I'd think she was fucking nuts.
I'd go ahead and start making plans for yourself and tell this friend that on this occasion you won't be able to spend a lot of time and money on her dc's party because you'll be busy planning your own celebration.

Mysteriouscurle · 06/05/2017 04:23

Your friends are very unreasonable to want their birthdays marked while you never get yours marked. Id prob be stepping back from the friendship. Or organise a party for yourself making it the date you want. Of course they might not come. Friend with the dc party the day before you sounds self absorbed.

QuodPeriitPeriit · 06/05/2017 04:26

YABU and a bit precious. Your friends acknowledge your birthday with cards, presents, texts, and invitations to drinks at their place and you want more? It is ridiculous to expect adults to be "excited" about another adult's birthday.

And if planning/holding childrens' parties requires months' worth of attention from several adults and leaves them "exhausted" and "preoccupied with the aftermath" for days afterwards that's ridiculous too.

user1491326393 · 06/05/2017 04:27

wtf do you do for these kids' birthdays that it takes sooooo much planning?!?!?!?!

Plunkette · 06/05/2017 04:36

A children's birthday party should not take months to plan. We've done some pretty elaborate parties (with 50 kids attending never again ) and it didn't take anything like that.

Why on earth are you all helping find cake makers, shopping for presents etc that the child's parents job?

Also unless she has some health concerns you haven't mentioned why on earth is a relatively young person "exhausted" after a children's party? Even if you're setting up, leading all the games and clearing up it's not so tiring you're wiped out the next day - particularly given she has lots of help.

All in all, pretty poor show from
your friends,

Find some other friends to celebrate with or get your DH to take you somewhere fabulous.

Legma37 · 06/05/2017 04:46

If someone chooses to celebrate their birthday as an adult (especially a milestone birthday) I can't see why this should be a problem for those who choose not to celebrate their birthday for whatever reason. Certainly have no idea whatsoever why someone would label you 'precious' for this choice.

I agree with organising something for your birthday with other friends or family and make it really special.

Travelledtheworld · 06/05/2017 05:07

You all need to get a grip and stop being so precious.....

FrenchLavender · 06/05/2017 05:18

Goodness me, what kind of parties is this woman throwing every year that requires weeks worth of help with preposterous from several o her friends?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2017 05:18

"so we always go out for [my friends'] birthdays (mostly joint birthdays) and we always celebrate big and I never begrudge them of it. In fact I'm usually the organiser (for kids birthdays and friends alike.)"
At the start of your OP I was thinking 'these people are way too invested in their kids' birthdays' - but by the end of your OP, I was thinking that your friends are shit.

You organise nice stuff for them ( "we celebrate their birthdays in style" and "I'm usually the organiser" ) , but they don't reciprocate ( "mine is usually a night-in wine and DVD event" ). Can I just suggest - they are treating you like the hired help, not a friend.

So, I would suggest:

  • Organise your milestone birthday party, to be held on your actual birthday Saturday.
  • Invite them.
  • Judge whether they are actually friends or not, based on their attendance and enthusiasm.

And if they continue to be shit, find yourself better friends.

FrenchLavender · 06/05/2017 05:19

Whoops that was supposed to say preparation but I think perhaps autocorrect has it right on this one. 😂

Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 05:33

Yanbu Op. It's a special bday that happens to fall on a weekend and you want to push the boat out a bit this year. Your friends should take your wishes into account. I find it just ridiculous it has to be put on hold for 2 weeks after a kids bday party for things to 'calm down'. As someone else said its your bday you can organise what you want. Are there other friends you would invite? By all means send this bunch an invite. It will be interesting to see if they put themselves out.
I'd also think you all need to get a grip regarding the kids parties....

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 05:37

Surely if your friends have a joint birthday, they don't get to celebrate it on the day or weekend of their birthday? If they acted in the same way as you are asking, they'd be having separate events, wouldn't they?. Perhaps it comes across as always about them. However, if you turned it around, it seems likely they organise their own birthday event themselves and are anticipating you would do the same. You in turn feel they organise a party for eachother but not for you. It sounds like a misunderstanding to me tbh. They are quite possibly wondering why you don't want to make a fuss every year. The child's party prep does sound intense. However, I expect by the end of it you're all pretty exhausted. So in an attempt to be fit and ready for your birthday, it makes perfect sense to have a gap between the two. Reframed like this, does their reaction really seem so dismissive of you?

BusterGonad · 06/05/2017 05:45

I'm baffled by the extent of organization of the kids Birthday! I mean, what actually happens at these parties? Why does it take a whole crew of adults to arrange? And why does it make you ALL too skint to have a few drinks down the pub to celebrate your birthday the weekend after? And what's with the exhaustion after the party? ^^ Anybody would think you were arranging a birthday party for Kate Moss and the Primrose Hill lot! Grin

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 05:45

There is no reason on Earth why a child needs to have an extravagant party every single year, so extravagant that it takes months of planning and leaves everyone exhausted for 2 full weeks after! That is totally batshit. Why a cake maker? Why not just buy one from bloody Tesco? How much money is spent on these parties?
IMO, having a party like that for a child every year is excessive, breeds spoilt, entitled children and is a total waste of money. Fucking ridiculous.

Book your birthday celebrations OP, if they come then that's fab. If they don't turn up, then get yourself some better friends.

BusterGonad · 06/05/2017 05:47

Yes Mangomay, beautifully said!

changingmylifecompletely28489 · 06/05/2017 05:51

Totally agree with @mangomay. Her DC will probably be as entitled as she is soon. Get yourself better friends who actually care about you!

I hope your birthday party comes out fabulous!Flowers

Rachel0Greep · 06/05/2017 05:58

YANBU to want to mark a milestone birthday.
Organise something for yourself, whatever you would really like to do, and step back a bit from always being the organiser for other people's parties. I think I read that correctly, that their birthdays get marked and celebrated because you organise them.

Sounds like that child's party is way OTT, but that issue is fairly well covered by PP. Grin

Happy birthday for whenever Flowers

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 05:58

Both my DCs have December birthdays, so it's a busy time anyway, but parties for us are a few friends at our house, a bit of party food or order pizza, play a few games, get hyper on sweets and cake and then all go home. I honestly only think about it a few days before, text the mums of the kids DCs want to come and go and buy the bits from a supermarket. Minimum clearing up, and we're all fully functional the next day.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 06:01

Ok Buster. You can point all you like to what I said about exhausted. Obviously it's ridiculous (and batshit Mangomay) that so much energy is taken up on a kids party every year. The fact is that it is. Op is friends with these people and she can either try to see things from their perspective, which is what I did or find friends, who will celebrate her birthday on the date and not two weeks later. However you cannot change what you don't control. And op cannot control the energy taken up with planning the parties. Unless there is some big drip feed, isn't it a big melodramatic to find new friends just because they want a two week reprieve from their admittedly ridiculous slog of planning?