AIBU... Overlooked.

[JustAPlasticBag]

Genuine question, feel free to berate me but mostly I just want to have a bit of a moan and a rant really

My friends DC's birthday is the day before mine. This usually means that I spend most of the 2/3 months leading up helping her book the party, shopping for presents, decorations, helping find a cake maker, helping organise said party with food etc (as she does for my DS birthday)...

... and my birthday the next day is totally forgotten. I get a text from her, but she's still preoccupied with her DC' Birthday aftermath and is usually subsequently skint to do anything like go out for my birthday, or too worn out and exhausted to do anything for it. Our mutual friends (there are 5 in our 'friend group' 3 of us which have kids) also go all out for all of our DC's birthdays, but mine is the only one to fall so close after one of our DC, so they're all usually skint or just busy again after helping her plan. On my birthday I get cards, a nice present from them all and a promise of a wine night at one of their houses on the weekend two weeks after it.

Of course I don't begrudge my friends DC having an amazing birthday and I genuinely love helping plan and organise it and seeing his face when he opens his presents (he calls me aunty and we are extremely close and I absolutely adore him) and we all do the same for each other's DC so it's not an issue with that at all.

But I made a small suggestion tonight well in advance (my birthday is months and months away!) that maybe we could all go out the weekend of my birthday (it falls on a Saturday) and put some money aside for it in preparation to do something. This was immediately shot down by this particular friend who's DC's birthday is before mine and once again replaced with the 'night in two weeks after when everything's calmed down' suggestion. I commented that it hurt my feelings a little that we couldn't at least do something but I was out-voted and in the end everyone nodded in agreement with the suggestion made and we swiftly moved back to talk about the other friends DD's birthday that's next week.

For some reason this time it's really made me feel down. (It's a big 'milestone' this year so maybe that's why I'm just feeling off out of the 6-7 years this has been happening...) my friends birthdays are well away from the other DC's (two share the same month and the other two are also quite close together) so we always go out for their birthdays (mostly joint birthdays) and we always celebrate big and I never begrudge them of it. In fact I'm usually the organiser (for kids birthdays and friends alike.)

I'm not asking for a huge event or parade - just something. AIBU and selfish to want to celebrate my birthday for once? The only people who seem genuinely excited for it are my work colleagues and although I'll have a blast celebrating with them, it just hurts to think my friends won't be there and that I'm always the forgotten birthday...

I totally get what you mean. You said it's a milestone birthday so guessing it's a zero ending birthday in which case you have every right to want to celebrate on the actual day and to have the same sort of celebration as all your friends get.

To be honest if it were me I'd step back from all this organisation lark and start organising for yourself. It falls on a Saturday and it doesn't have to be out clubbing till dawn but book a fabulous restaurant, officially invite everyone and do it before plans for the child's birthday are sorted. If they still don't come I'd be considering if I wanted these people as friends. I also can't understand why people would be knackered after a kids party, they don't tend to go on late and it sounds like your organising lots of it so not much for them to do. The skint thing is a pathetic excuse, the date of birthdays doesn't change so they should be able to budget and sort it. What the hell do they do for a birthday round Christmas?!

Milestone birthdays for adults should be celebrated unless you are in denial lol.

Sorry if that sounded harsh but you sound lovely and just genuinely hurt that they don't recognise you want to celebrate your birthday on your birthday - not the most unreasonable request in the world.

Failing that go with the suggestion of going away for the whole weekend and then post masses of pictures on Facebook showing the amazing time you're having

Are they the Birthday police?

They sound like all the emergency services rolled into one. My jaw just dropped at the idea that a full 1/4 of the year is spent organising one kid's party. What the hell happens at Christmas?

As for adults celebrating their birthdays, if you want to, do it. I spent my 30th having a big party to celebrate having not fucked up too badly at that point. I spent my 40th having a meal out with friends and family celebrating the fact that having royally fucked up in the intervening period things were starting to look less bad. It doesn't have to be a big thing, just something of your choosing to mark the occasion.

I don't think YABU at all. The other friend sounds very selfish, it wouldn't hurt her to have a mid week or weekend before party for her child for one year so you could all go away.

Personally I would, if possible, arrange something anyway and go with your DP or other friends and sod her and her snowflakes party that year.

I think you're too nice and people take advantage. On your previous thread I wasn't a bit surprised it was about a neighbour taking advantage, you are V V generous.

Hope you got your money back, OP! And continue to say no.

Stop getting involved / doing all the organising for anyone's birthday but your own - you're being taken for granted.
It's perfectly reasonable wanting to celebrate your milestone birthday on the actual day, and it's not like the child's birthday is on the same day - he / she can have a party on the Sunday surely? If they won't celebrate just this once with months of notice on the right day then find someone else to celebrate with instead & push the boat out.

Wow, are they really your friends?
It's clear celebrations are important to your social group.
So plan your celebration, when and how you want to do it, especially as it's a milestone.
If they value your friendship they will not only come, but want to help you as you have helped them in the past
If they don't want to give their time/help you or take offence at your decision, then they are not true friends and it's time to move on to people who value you as person and not for what you can do for them

You sound far too nice OP. People will take advantage of you.

Organise your own bash tell your friends you can't help much with their kids parties this year but will still attend of course and then see where the land lies.

You deserve a party on your actual birthday.

Unfortunately people will treat us the way we let them.

You said yours and the child's birthdays are a few months ahead so you have time before this year's madness kicks in. As soon as the first mention of the child's birthday comes up, you calmly state that you can't take part in the organisation this year as you have your own milestone birthday bash to organise, which will be taking place on your actual birthday, and obviously they are all invited so can put it on their calendars there & then.

I think their reaction to this will tell you in no uncertain terms whether they love having you around as a friend or as an unpaid PA.

Sometimes it's hard to tell when we are in the middle of it all whether our friends are users and also whether your group has slid into a pattern of pushing the work on the organiser of the group who takes it all on and never complains, without really noticing that they are unfair to you.

Until the day the mouse roars, that is!

I'm glad to see lots more sensible opinions on this matter, I was beginning to think I was the only one who thinks big birthdays should be celebrated

Anyone who suggests they can't make arrangements for two weeks after a child's birthday party is, IMO, using that party as an excuse not to make those 'other arrangements.'

OP, there can only be one response to this. Book a short holiday away on your birthday weekend. And ignore birthday prep beyond the usual card/present.

WTF your friend can't order a cake and book a softplay event like everyone else is behond me.

You said yours and the child's birthdays are a few months ahead so you have time before this year's madness kicks in. As soon as the first mention of the child's birthday comes up, you calmly state that you can't take part in the organisation this year as you have your own milestone birthday bash to organise, which will be taking place on your actual birthday, and obviously they are all invited so can put it on their calendars there & then. I think their reaction to this will tell you in no uncertain terms whether they love having you around as a friend or as an unpaid PA

I agree with these two comments from separate posters.

Anyone who suggests they can't make arrangements for two weeks after a child's birthday party is, IMO, using that party as an excuse not to make those 'other arrangements'

This is utterly ridiculous. No childs' party requires months of planning, the resources from parents' friends, and two weeks to recover. I've never heard of a friend being involved in planning a party for their friend's child beyond maybe being an extra pair of hands on the day.

I love organising and planning parties/events. Nothing has ever taken up that much time, whether it be my kids' birthday parties or a huge fundraising event involving hundreds of people.

One memorable week, and due to forces outside my control, four events unavoidably ended up occurring on four consecutive days (school disco with hundreds of kids, fundraising BBQ involving hundreds of members of the public, my child's birthday party at home with 20 friends, plus the food stalls at the school sports day). I was in charge of all of them, and think if anything deserved two weeks recovery it was that, but the mere idea seems crazy - it was a matter of just picking myself up and keeping on going each day after the craziness happened.

Your "friend" needs to grow up, and you need to grow a spine and say "no".

Within my mother and baby group, my birthday was the day after one of the kids'. Strangely enough no one needed two weeks to "recover" after the child's party, and my birthday was always celebrated in the same manner as all the other mums', because that's what real friends do.

Can you have your big birthday celebration the week before the child's bash?

Also tell them you don't want to have a bootleg of wine at home but will book somewhere so you can celebrate your big birthday properly

OP, your friends are awful.

You said "I want to celebrate my 40th (or whatever date it is) on the actual day" and they said "oh no, how about a quiet night in two weeks later?" And they outvoted you?!

Outrageous. I'd email them and say:
"Dear friends, the other week I suggested a proper celebration for my birthday which usually gets overshadowed by the child's party. I've always been happy to help you celebrate your birthdays and this year is really like to celebrate mine. I'm going to book a restaurant on my birthday and I hope you'll join me."

Is it just me who has always been able to organise a child's birthday in a hour here and there in the couple of weeks beforehand? Even the parties that have been quite large? Never had a group of friends help me to organise it either. Certainly never needed time to recover afterwards.

Luckily though never celebrated my birthday as an adult, or wanted to, but hope you can have the day you wish for. Good luck.

My wedding didn't take that long to plan.

You all sound completely bonkers. Please come back and tell us about the parties.

Why don't you simply send an invite now to all concerned and have a small ( or large) gathering at home or the pub? Doesn't need to cost too much.

You also don't need to get their permission to celebrate your own birthday. Just go ahead and arrange it. If they don't come they aren't your friends.

I have to be honest that there were one or two kids' parties that took some recovering from but unlike your friends I found wine was very helpful in overcoming the trauma.

As PPs have said there should be no need whatsoever for adult friends to assist with a family's preparation for DCs' birthdays.

Just organise whatever you want for your birthday, within reason (eg costs for others), and the friend can attend or not.

Stop organising things for them and do what you want to do that weekend.

OP. Stop people pleasing.

You are blurring your boundaries, these people are friends - you don't work for them.

You don't need to be involved in any other family's party arrangements, ever - they are not family.

If you don't start to make firmer, healthier boundaries, you are NEVER going to have your needs met. Ever, you will also be there helping, assisting, sorting out, good back up.
If you want to have a special birthday. Book it, organise it, go away with your dp, do something with family.
You don't have to wait two weeks to celebrate your birthday because it doesn't suit your self oriented friends.

YANBU but you need to start looking after yourself and meeting your own needsxxxx

If your friends all have extravagant birthdays but then moan at you wanting to do something for yours then YANBU at all- these are not nice friends.

Opinions on celebrating birthdays or how long it takes to plans a child's party is by the by.