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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... Overlooked.

155 replies

JustAPlasticBag · 06/05/2017 02:47

Genuine question, feel free to berate me but mostly I just want to have a bit of a moan and a rant really

My friends DC's birthday is the day before mine. This usually means that I spend most of the 2/3 months leading up helping her book the party, shopping for presents, decorations, helping find a cake maker, helping organise said party with food etc (as she does for my DS birthday)...

... and my birthday the next day is totally forgotten. I get a text from her, but she's still preoccupied with her DC' Birthday aftermath and is usually subsequently skint to do anything like go out for my birthday, or too worn out and exhausted to do anything for it. Our mutual friends (there are 5 in our 'friend group' 3 of us which have kids) also go all out for all of our DC's birthdays, but mine is the only one to fall so close after one of our DC, so they're all usually skint or just busy again after helping her plan. On my birthday I get cards, a nice present from them all and a promise of a wine night at one of their houses on the weekend two weeks after it.

Of course I don't begrudge my friends DC having an amazing birthday and I genuinely love helping plan and organise it and seeing his face when he opens his presents (he calls me aunty and we are extremely close and I absolutely adore him) and we all do the same for each other's DC so it's not an issue with that at all.

But I made a small suggestion tonight well in advance (my birthday is months and months away!) that maybe we could all go out the weekend of my birthday (it falls on a Saturday) and put some money aside for it in preparation to do something. This was immediately shot down by this particular friend who's DC's birthday is before mine and once again replaced with the 'night in two weeks after when everything's calmed down' suggestion. I commented that it hurt my feelings a little that we couldn't at least do something but I was out-voted and in the end everyone nodded in agreement with the suggestion made and we swiftly moved back to talk about the other friends DD's birthday that's next week.

For some reason this time it's really made me feel down. (It's a big 'milestone' this year so maybe that's why I'm just feeling off out of the 6-7 years this has been happening...) my friends birthdays are well away from the other DC's (two share the same month and the other two are also quite close together) so we always go out for their birthdays (mostly joint birthdays) and we always celebrate big and I never begrudge them of it. In fact I'm usually the organiser (for kids birthdays and friends alike.)

I'm not asking for a huge event or parade - just something. AIBU and selfish to want to celebrate my birthday for once? The only people who seem genuinely excited for it are my work colleagues and although I'll have a blast celebrating with them, it just hurts to think my friends won't be there and that I'm always the forgotten birthday...

OP posts:

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 06:08

It's not melodramatic to find new friends when the ones you currently have overlook your birthday every single year, especially when you consider OP organises their birthdays. When it comes to her birthday, it's a 'wine and DVD night' compared to the other friends nights out etc.
OP said that she asked them to consider doing 'at least something' and they outvoted her. About her own birthday....Wtf?! Are they the Birthday police? They are dismissing her feelings, belittling her and, quite honestly, taking advantage of her niceness. So no, it's not melodramatic. It's downright sensible.

Don't let your friends be shits OP. Have your damn party.

ArtemisiaGentilleschi · 06/05/2017 06:14

Everyone is free to celebrate birthdays as they see fit.
I find both ideas ( A child's party that sounds like a wedding in terms of planning, and an adult who isn't forced to be part of the planning committee but then complains it ruins her own - as if she were also about 10) ridiculous.

takeabreakthatslife · 06/05/2017 06:14

It all sounds awful and i would want nothing to do with any of it. All that organising skinting and exhaustion. Sod that.

TeaForever · 06/05/2017 06:17

My nephew's birthday is two days before mine, and being the devoted & loving auntie that I am (if I say so myself!) I'm always heavily involved. I'm always the one to make the cake, and I help look after all the kids on the day.
My own birthday is then always overlooked; but in my case that's a wonderful thing, as I HATE my birthday! I'm one of those people who gets terrible birthday blues if I dwell too much on it, and I like to largely ignore it. I have a hot bath in the morning, and a mindfully-consumed cup of tea in honour of being alive, then I move on and have a normal day. Just the way I am. So I'm VERY grateful to my lovely nephew for being born two days before my birthday!

But it sounds like you like to celebrate your birthday, so I understand why it must be different for you. Maybe you could do something wonderful with all your other friends, and see said friend at a later date on a one-to-one?

I hope you have a good one this year anyway

TeaForever · 06/05/2017 06:20

PS, I should add, I think only a few days (if that) goes into planning my nephew's party, and he still always has a wonderful day. Your friend's party planning sounds seriously extreme!

Chocolatecake12 · 06/05/2017 06:21

I agree with a pp. you need to take a step back this year as it's your milestone birthday and plan your own event. On the actual day of your birthday as it's a Saturday.
Do you have a partner? Other friends? Family?
You could plan a party or a meal out. Do not rely on this group of friends to all come but some might. It really will show their true feelings towards how they see you as a friend.
Do not over invest in just one friendship group but have lots of friends.

AlternativeTentacle · 06/05/2017 06:23

Does your friend's child's party take up so much energy that it totally wipes out 6 or 7 adults for the next few days?

That is some party.

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 06:25

OP said her friend requires 2 weeks for everything to 'calm down'

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/05/2017 06:29

Oh dear. Op, some people are adults, some people are children. The birthday parties of children come first. Because they are children. Adults act like adults, for the most part.

You're essentially asking your friend to skip her kid's birthday party for yours. Seriously? That's completely ridiculous and the reason your friends shot down your suggestion is that it's ridiculous.

Do try to grow up a bit. If you want a big birthday party just organize it for a time that won't clash. Very, very simple.

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 06:33

I don't think OP is suggesting the friend skips the child's party. It's more a question of why the friend feels too wiped out to do anything social for 2 weeks after the dc party. Which is totally fair. It's a milestone birthday, why should OP not do anything to acknowledge it? The world doesn't stop because one child has a party. Get real.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 06:33

I have never in my puff spent months organising a CHILDS party and it has never taken two weeks for me to recover from. And as for these friends who skint themselves paying for a present for a child. On what planet?

Also. Are you 5? I can't think of any adult apart from my very spoilt ex SIL who is a massive pain in the arse who expects a fuss from friends and family every year.

In summary. Grow up, chill out and stop making a drama and whole production out of fun events.

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 06:37

And while your children should always come first, they are not the most important people in the world, in your world perhaps but not the world overall. Their immediate needs should always be prioritised, but if we constantly tell our children they're the most important thing, not just to us but to the world, they will grow up believing it's true and will get a short, sharp shock when they become adults. I say this from experience, I was a precious little snowflake child. And my god, it was hard to adjust to being an adult.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/05/2017 06:44

Yanbu to want parity. Can you say "as it's my xth, I want to go out on the actual day and do Y. Like we did for yours"?

2-3 months planning someone else's child's party seems excessive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2017 06:44

Again Mangomay, this is nothing op can control. She can only control her behaviour and step back from the planning of friend's party planning for her dc. She can also choose to have a party when she wishes. But if she wants these friends involved in planning a big party then she will have to do it when they are willing/able or plan it alone.

OliviaBenson · 06/05/2017 06:45

Just book your own party on the date you want and invite them to it.

It all sounds like very hard work.

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 06:46

I'm getting over invested here but....
OP, please ignore the poster above who suggested that it's 'ridiculous' to want to celebrate YOUR birthday on your ACTUAL BIRTHDAY. It's not. It may not be practical for everyone, but life rarely is. Your friend can fit in around you for one flaming year. And if she can't, well she's a bit of a shit.
Just book whatever it is you want to do, and whoever really wants to come will come.

OliviaBenson · 06/05/2017 06:46

Oh and stop being so invoked in their party planning, they clearly take you for granted. It all sounds way OTT anyway.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 06:49

I mean. Seriously.

This usually means that I spend most of the 2/3 months leading up helping her book the party, shopping for presents, decorations, helping find a cake maker, helping organise said party with food etc

For a friend's child? Most of 2/3 months helping a friend organise a CHILD'S party? Is this child the next Messiah? The Golden Child?

HomityBabbityPie · 06/05/2017 06:49

Off topic but why, on these threads, is it always sneered at when adults want to celebrate their birthday?

Literally every single adult I know IRL celebrates their birthday

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 06:52

I have a card and a small present from my kids, and maybe a take away or meal out with my partner/boyfriend. I have occasionally met up with mates for a drink or had a night at a friend's with take away and a bottle of wine. Which it seems the OP gets.

Do people really do more than that on a regular basis as adults? And if so, what do they do?

Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 06:52

Teaforever

I have mindfully-consumed cup of tea in honour of being alive, then I move on and have a normal day.

I love this

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 06/05/2017 06:53

Op I don't know where you people find the time to be organising someone else's kid's party. But the fact is, your friends are treating you terribly. She's totally ungrateful for your help and none of them are listening to you when you say you want a proper celebration this year. I think you've fallen into the position of the group doormat otherwise why should they think they can vote on your birthday??? I would stop helping her and plan a nice event for myself and if they choose to come fine. No wine and dvd night this year

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 06:56

It's a milestone birthday OP is celebrating this year. For my birthday I normally go for dinner or have family/friends round. But for my 30th I wanted to celebrate 30 years of being alive and not fucking things up too badly.

IME the people who sneer about adults celebrating their birthdays are the ones who give their DCs extravagant birthday parties/gifts. Which is ironic, because those are the kids who will grow up to be adults who want to still celebrate their birthday every year. Like I said, I was that child.

Headofthehive55 · 06/05/2017 06:58

I'd say oh I'm doing something different on my birthday this year...it's X... Do you want to come? No ? Ok then...

HomityBabbityPie · 06/05/2017 06:59

On my birthday I usually see all my family at the weekend for a meal and go out with DH on the day for either a day out or dinner.

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