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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Overlooked.

155 replies

JustAPlasticBag · 06/05/2017 02:47

Genuine question, feel free to berate me but mostly I just want to have a bit of a moan and a rant really Blush

My friends DC's birthday is the day before mine. This usually means that I spend most of the 2/3 months leading up helping her book the party, shopping for presents, decorations, helping find a cake maker, helping organise said party with food etc (as she does for my DS birthday)...

... and my birthday the next day is totally forgotten. I get a text from her, but she's still preoccupied with her DC' Birthday aftermath and is usually subsequently skint to do anything like go out for my birthday, or too worn out and exhausted to do anything for it. Our mutual friends (there are 5 in our 'friend group' 3 of us which have kids) also go all out for all of our DC's birthdays, but mine is the only one to fall so close after one of our DC, so they're all usually skint or just busy again after helping her plan. On my birthday I get cards, a nice present from them all and a promise of a wine night at one of their houses on the weekend two weeks after it.

Of course I don't begrudge my friends DC having an amazing birthday and I genuinely love helping plan and organise it and seeing his face when he opens his presents (he calls me aunty and we are extremely close and I absolutely adore him) and we all do the same for each other's DC so it's not an issue with that at all.

But I made a small suggestion tonight well in advance (my birthday is months and months away!) that maybe we could all go out the weekend of my birthday (it falls on a Saturday) and put some money aside for it in preparation to do something. This was immediately shot down by this particular friend who's DC's birthday is before mine and once again replaced with the 'night in two weeks after when everything's calmed down' suggestion. I commented that it hurt my feelings a little that we couldn't at least do something but I was out-voted and in the end everyone nodded in agreement with the suggestion made and we swiftly moved back to talk about the other friends DD's birthday that's next week.

For some reason this time it's really made me feel down. (It's a big 'milestone' this year so maybe that's why I'm just feeling off out of the 6-7 years this has been happening...) my friends birthdays are well away from the other DC's (two share the same month and the other two are also quite close together) so we always go out for their birthdays (mostly joint birthdays) and we always celebrate big and I never begrudge them of it. In fact I'm usually the organiser (for kids birthdays and friends alike.)

I'm not asking for a huge event or parade - just something. AIBU and selfish to want to celebrate my birthday for once? The only people who seem genuinely excited for it are my work colleagues and although I'll have a blast celebrating with them, it just hurts to think my friends won't be there and that I'm always the forgotten birthday...

OP posts:
RitaMills · 06/05/2017 08:12

I understand birthday child's mum being skint after what sounds like the most exclusive party of the year, but why on earth are the rest of friendship group so skint?

Heathcliffitsme · 06/05/2017 08:15

Can I ask what type of birthday event it is for a child that takes 2-3 months for several friends and child's parents to organise?

Spellcheck · 06/05/2017 08:20

I can't understand the obsession with birthdays, the planning to the point of collapse, and the subsequent exhaustion, to the point that nothing happens for two weeks afterwards. I really can't. I've never experienced this in all my years.
OP, I wonder, if you take a step back, do you think this is normal, or even healthy?
Does it actually bring you all happiness?
Do you think it might be teaching the children to expect major things from their birthdays, forevermore?
Please don't think I'm being rude, each to their own and all that, but it's making you so unhappy, and you have a perfect right to want to go out for a drink with your friends on that Saturday. I've never known anyone so exhausted after a child's birthday party that they can't do that.
Most people honestly do manage to organise a party on their own, and actually welcome the chance to have a few drinks with friends to unwind afterwards!

Kittykatclaws · 06/05/2017 08:22

I don't think they sound like good friends to me, you sound like they use you!

Put your foot down and if they don't want to celebrate your milestone birthday drop then and don't look back

Notonthestairs · 06/05/2017 08:27

In my group of friends one woman's DD's birthday is just before another woman's birthday.
For the last decade we have celebrated both, no fuss. The woman's whose birthday it is books a restaurant and we all go - its really that simple.

DontBeASalmon · 06/05/2017 08:27

Even the most extravagant wedding I've been to didn't require 2 weeks to recover (and that includes the jet lag), this sounds completely ridiculous and nothing makes sense: why does your friend not use the same cake maker every year for example? Hours needed to research one? really?

once you get past about 21 birthdays have no meaning surely? they might have no meaning, but some of us love celebrating them and see no reason not to!

As above OP, I would organise something for mine, with real friends so if your so-called (and busy Hmm ) "friends" don't attend, you still have a fantastic time.

YANBU at all!

llangennith · 06/05/2017 08:39

I feel as though I've wandered into an alternate realityHmm Kids' birthdays involving so much planning?!

yorkshapudding · 06/05/2017 08:40

The dynamic of this group sounds very stressful to me. The expectation that you will all dedicate the majority of your spare time, for 2-3 months at a time, to planning and organising elaborate parties for each others children is bizarre and sounds exhausting.

I do think your friend is completely OTT for allowing a child's party to become so complicated and labour intensive that she is exhausted for days on end afterwards. That's completely unecessary. But I do think your expectations of your friends for your own birthday are quite high. You get cards and presents from them and offers of a girls night in with wine, DVD's etc. What's wrong with that? That sounds lovely to me and more than a lot of adult friends do for one anothers birthdays!

I also don't think your friend is being unreasonable by not making herself available on the day of your actual birthday. If my DC birthday falls at a weekend I probably wouldn't be making plans with friends that weekend. If a friend's birthday fell on my DC's birthday weekend I would most likely drop round a card and present and arrange to take them out for a drink or something the following weekend. I'm out at work all week so the weekend would be about family time. My DC's birthday would take priority and I'd be surprised if any adult didn't understand that to be honest, especially if they have children themselves.

Chloe84 · 06/05/2017 08:42

I just released I didn't explain this bit well; we celebrate their birthdays in style, but mine is usually a night-in wine and DVD event. I suppose I'm feeling a little left out

That's not right at all. Stop putting up with this. They do seem to be using you.

Spadequeen · 06/05/2017 08:45

Well I would stop organising the other adult parties. They want a party, let them sort it.

Do you have other friends that would come to a party organised by you? If so, plan your own and step back from the child's, after all it's a milestone birthday for you this year. You'll soon found out how gods a friend they are.

DangerMouse17 · 06/05/2017 08:45

You need better friends to be perfectly honest. Sounds like they don't care about you and are quite happy to use you for "organising " activities but don't value you enough to do the same when's it's your birthday.

Arrange your own party and if they don't come, I would be forgetting about them.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/05/2017 08:49

Is there a reason why you need to be so involved in sorting things for her DC's birthday? Surely she can manage booking the party, organising a cake and balloons? It's nice that you want to help her but are you doing too much? It's her responsibility to sort those things after all. It sounds like you've been made unofficial party planner and I don't think that's fair on you. Maybe I'm biased though because I think OTT children's parties are a bit ridiculous. All the money/time/expense etc that goes in to planning these things when kids are usually happy with something a lot less OTT.

I don't think YABU to want to celebrate your birthday. Maybe treat yourself and do something really nice?

tammytheterminator · 06/05/2017 08:52

I'd go away for a few days and make sure I was away for both your Birthday and her DC's Birthday. Not much point in you helping her out then as you won't be there anyway.

All this 'organising' sounds terribly dull. Would you miss it anyway?

LozzaChops101 · 06/05/2017 08:52

Blimey, seems like a lot of organisations for a kids' party!!!

I sympathise with you though, my birthday always fell in exam period all the way through school and university, so I never really got to celebrate and it's sort of become a habit not to now. I dread birthdays because of it.

Go and celebrate with your colleagues, as you said, I bet you'll have a blast! And maybe spend a bit less of your own time organising everyone else's birthdays!!!

Chloe84 · 06/05/2017 08:53

I'd go away for a few days and make sure I was away for both your Birthday and her DC's Birthday. Not much point in you helping her out then as you won't be there anyway.

I agree

ElspethFlashman · 06/05/2017 08:55

What's really fucked up is that 2 of them don't even have kids yet won't go out on the Saturday. What childfree people are so knackered from someone else's kids party on the Friday that they can't go out on the Saturday night?

The only people who seem genuinely excited for it are my work colleagues and although I'll have a blast celebrating with them, it just hurts to think my friends won't be there and that I'm always the forgotten birthday...

OP get a clue: your work colleagues value your company. Your "friends" value your usefulness.

Mrsknackered · 06/05/2017 09:02

YABU for having friends that throw children such extravagant parties year in, year out.

2 to 3 months?! I don't think I'd even spend that long planning my wedding!
I wanna go to one of these parties, I'm imagining ice sculptures, fair ground rides, chocolate river etc.

TheExuberant1 · 06/05/2017 09:07

Your're being used and they are taking the piss. It seems like they use the child's birthday as an excuse. Who on earth spends that long organising a child's birthday?!

CaptainBrickbeard · 06/05/2017 09:11

I am a big fan of birthdays but cannot imagine why it takes four women up to three months to plan a child's birthday, how it can possibly render them all skint and why they would be exhausted for a fortnight afterwards. For toddlers, surely a trip to a farm or a little tea party is amazingly exciting? And for school age children, don't they just want an hour jumping about in soft play or playing party games in an hall? Why a cake maker? Get a load of chocolate fingers and make a hedgehog cake or buy a Paw Patrol one from the supermarket - small children love those! Do the kids honestly prefer massive extravaganzas? Is it worth the time, money and energy? Kids have a great time at pretty simple affairs - their party requirements are very straightforward!

Also, are you all single parents or do the dads have nothing to do with it all? Because organising a children's birthday party seems very much the job of the parents and I don't understand why it's taking the participants so many adults.

If you are busy, professional women with demanding schedules, then maybe try to relax a bit rather than running yourselves so ragged that a child's party leaves you unable to function for two weeks subsequently. I really doubt that your children would be disappointed with a simpler and easier celebration.

FrancisCrawford · 06/05/2017 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stonecircle · 06/05/2017 09:19

I agree, as it's a milestone birthday for you, you should have your own party on the actual day. I cannot believe they would all refuse to come because of a child's party the day before?

And when it comes to planning the party extravaganza the day before yours - you're too busy to help as you're planning your own!

Expat38matt · 06/05/2017 09:20

I'm actually thinking a kids party that takes 2-3 months to plan must be spectacular and maybe I'd like to go along (there'd have to be wine!!)
Maybe we're rubbish parents and our kids will be scarred but both mine have summer birthdays and we live in a country with hot summers and are lucky to have a pool. Their parties are always the same - somewhere in between the two, BBQ and swimming, beer and wine, drop in any time, usually goes on a while
We really only invite their friends who's parents we are also friends with and don't dont do the "invite the class/ parents drop and run" kind of party - so it really becomes a party for all of us and chance to hang out with friends !! They also get a shit ton of presents even though we tell everyone not too as they've already had actual bday and gorged on being spoiled!
Friends bring food , wine, hang out all day in the sun. It's a fun thing for us all. Minimal planning - verbal or text mention a few weeks before with open invitation to drop by any time. I'll shop the day before for food (no stress nothing fancy burgers for the BBQ etc) and wine. I usually get a load of balloons and decorations - the day before. And I do not need 2 weeks to get over it !!!

I also plan large scale corporate events for a living. Even the logistics of those don't take me 2-3 months. In fact I have one nxt week and I'm still sorting things out!!

ElspethFlashman · 06/05/2017 09:23

According to her previous thread OP is a single parent.

Christ OP you have to step back from all this organising if they have partners, you really really do.

I think you're too nice and people take advantage. On your previous thread I wasn't a bit surprised it was about a neighbour taking advantage, you are V V generous.

But you you're being a bit of a mug here, I'm afraid.

(Incidentally I'm dying to know if that neighbour is still pulling the piss)

expatinscotland · 06/05/2017 09:25

Stop being her lackey and doing any work for her child's birthday party. Plan your own thing for yours and don't be available.

nuttymango · 06/05/2017 09:28

Planning a kids birthday party involves a phone call to book the place you want it at, buying a cake and ordering stuff for party bags if you do them, maybe an hour or two at most? If a party takes two to three months to plan then that suggests to me that the children are spoilt rotten.