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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... Overlooked.

155 replies

JustAPlasticBag · 06/05/2017 02:47

Genuine question, feel free to berate me but mostly I just want to have a bit of a moan and a rant really Blush

My friends DC's birthday is the day before mine. This usually means that I spend most of the 2/3 months leading up helping her book the party, shopping for presents, decorations, helping find a cake maker, helping organise said party with food etc (as she does for my DS birthday)...

... and my birthday the next day is totally forgotten. I get a text from her, but she's still preoccupied with her DC' Birthday aftermath and is usually subsequently skint to do anything like go out for my birthday, or too worn out and exhausted to do anything for it. Our mutual friends (there are 5 in our 'friend group' 3 of us which have kids) also go all out for all of our DC's birthdays, but mine is the only one to fall so close after one of our DC, so they're all usually skint or just busy again after helping her plan. On my birthday I get cards, a nice present from them all and a promise of a wine night at one of their houses on the weekend two weeks after it.

Of course I don't begrudge my friends DC having an amazing birthday and I genuinely love helping plan and organise it and seeing his face when he opens his presents (he calls me aunty and we are extremely close and I absolutely adore him) and we all do the same for each other's DC so it's not an issue with that at all.

But I made a small suggestion tonight well in advance (my birthday is months and months away!) that maybe we could all go out the weekend of my birthday (it falls on a Saturday) and put some money aside for it in preparation to do something. This was immediately shot down by this particular friend who's DC's birthday is before mine and once again replaced with the 'night in two weeks after when everything's calmed down' suggestion. I commented that it hurt my feelings a little that we couldn't at least do something but I was out-voted and in the end everyone nodded in agreement with the suggestion made and we swiftly moved back to talk about the other friends DD's birthday that's next week.

For some reason this time it's really made me feel down. (It's a big 'milestone' this year so maybe that's why I'm just feeling off out of the 6-7 years this has been happening...) my friends birthdays are well away from the other DC's (two share the same month and the other two are also quite close together) so we always go out for their birthdays (mostly joint birthdays) and we always celebrate big and I never begrudge them of it. In fact I'm usually the organiser (for kids birthdays and friends alike.)

I'm not asking for a huge event or parade - just something. AIBU and selfish to want to celebrate my birthday for once? The only people who seem genuinely excited for it are my work colleagues and although I'll have a blast celebrating with them, it just hurts to think my friends won't be there and that I'm always the forgotten birthday...

OP posts:
ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:03

mango I've never done an extravagant party for any of my kids. I was and still am a single parent. I couldn't afford it, for a start. Secondly I worked and still work full time. I didn't have the headspace to be doing anything fancy. Few mates to soft play / cinema and that was it. Please don't make assumptions. It's rude and you've been derogatory.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:07

I can see why you are upset, in the context of your group making a fuss about Birthdays

I can also see why her child's Birthday takes precedence in her mind over yours

Part of me thinks the almighty hoo-ha about anyone's Birthday is a bit overdone. That's just the way I was brought up - small family gathering, parents of person with Birthday get to feel proud and remember their birth.

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 07:07

It wasn't an assumption. I said in my experience. I didn't say it was true for all people everywhere. If you feel it's rude and derogatory to speak about personal experiences, then I apologise.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:08

..... OP, I'd move your Celebration to another time of year if it bothers you that much

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:09

When I was thirty I had really fucked my life up very badly.

I suppose that's why I had a shitty day that day.

So that everyone could tell me how crap I was and how badly I had fucked up.

Sunnydaysrock · 06/05/2017 07:09

Agree with everything Mangomay says. It's definitely ok to celebrate your own birthday! You should do it when you want to. It's also definitely odd to all be helping so much with all these parties. Just because that's a habit you've got into doesn't mean you can't change it. If they were decent friends they would listen to you and respect your feelings. It's never to late to make new ones. Please stand up for yourself.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:09

mango

I also disagree. IMO people who are very sociable and extraverted tend to like organising gatherings for themselves and their children

Heathcliffitsme · 06/05/2017 07:09

I've got no problem with op wanting to celebrate her own birthday but the three months helping her friend plan her dc's birthday I am shocked at. I have never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life.

Even if you are genuinely finding a cake maker (why oh why Confused) how long does that take? I could find one on the internet in 5 minutes, call them 5 minutes, check with friend what cake 5 minutes, confirm with cake maker 5 minutes, collect it 30 minutes. There you go, cake sorted in less than an hour not 2-3 months!

Plus helping out on the day, a few hours of your life. Sorry but it's very daft.

NotYoda · 06/05/2017 07:10

Is your friend Victoria Beckham, OP?

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:10

I would never do a big palaver of a party for my kids or myself. But that doesn't mean I think adult birthdays or kids birthdays shouldn't be marked. They just don't need anything next nor near 3 months of planning and friends helping to organise them.

40somethingwonderful · 06/05/2017 07:11

Is there any chance that they are planning some sort of surprise for you and your suggestion was declined because it would ruin the surprise?

BusterGonad · 06/05/2017 07:12

Op your friends sound quite selfish, and seem to only care if it benefits them, if you wish to celebrate your birthday properly this year then I also suggest broadening your friendship group and putting your birthday party friends to the test. Arrange something yourself, text the time and place, if they turn up then everything is good.

KentMum2008 · 06/05/2017 07:16

OPs question was whether she is wrong for wanting to make a fuss on her big birthday.

OP, I'd be interested to know how you all celebrated birthdays before your DCs were born. Have you always been overlooked? If yes, then I stand by what I said that perhaps it's time to accept that it will always be this way and maybe distance yourself from all the madness.
If, however, it's a recent thing, then there's still some accepting to do. Accept that you won't have the same kind of birthday celebration every year that your friends do. Maybe step back from planning theirs and see what happens. But don't let that stop you enjoying this milestone birthday, if that is what you want to do! It's your day, and don't let your friends 'out-vote' you on it.

bimbobaggins · 06/05/2017 07:17

I'd step back from the 2/3 months help in organising the dc party. Thats crazy. I personally don't like a big fuss on my birthday but if other adults do (my mum including) that's up to them.
As it's a milestone birthday do you have other friends and family you could do something with on your birthday

bevelino · 06/05/2017 07:18

The party planning in this friendship circle sounds like something you see on one of those real housewives series.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/05/2017 07:18

From one group doormat to another-it's crap. Other (alpha) members' big birthdays have been trips to Paris, Barcelona,, big day out in big city with meal and cocktails etc. Mine? A meal in local restaurant. These days I don't bother, I celebrate with family.
The kids' party palaver has been covered enough by others.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 07:23

Do people really organise and pay for a destination holiday for a friend's birthday? Are you all minted?

zen1 · 06/05/2017 07:37

Why are you so involved in organising birthday celebrations for someone else's child? You are not obliged to be! Let them take charge of their DC's birthday and arrange your own birthday meal with other friends. The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 06/05/2017 07:40

Am totally amazed at adults making such a massive deal over birthdays! And as to planning months ahead (putting money aside etc), and preparing months ahead for the kids' party - surely this is not real?

Ceto · 06/05/2017 07:56

I think the clue may be in the fact that you say you're usually the organiser for children's and adults' birthdays. Is it you who is piling on all the expectation for these things? If so, for your own sake, you need to row back a bit. Leave your friends to organise their own and their children's birthdays, concentrate on celebrating yours when you want to.

JaneEyre70 · 06/05/2017 07:57

Arrange it yourself - book a restaurant or somewhere special and send a group message to all of them saying how excited you are about this special birthday and you can't wait to celebrate it with your best friends.
If they drop out, then they aren't friends at all I'm sad to say. You don't need their permission to enjoy your birthday on the day and not two weeks after.

dailystuck71 · 06/05/2017 08:00

I've just booked a party for DS.

3 messages on Facebook to party provider and sending deposit - 20 mins

2 messages to book hall and sending payment - 10 mins

Ordered BMX for present - 5 mins

Printed homemade invites - 5 mins

Still to do food. Anticipated time about 40 mins or so including extras on Tesco order.

How on earth do you get to 2/3 months?

AChickenCalledKorma · 06/05/2017 08:04

If you want a massive bash on your birthday, have one. It sounds like you are the one doing most of the organising anyway. And tell your friend that you are not able to offer much help with her child's party this year because you will be very busy organising your own. If they are real friends they should understand that you have every right to celebrate a big birthday the way you want to. If they throw their toys out of the pram, that says more about them than about you.

Cornishclio · 06/05/2017 08:08

Spending months organising DCs birthday parties every year is a bit ridiculous and sounds exhausting. We celebrate our family birthdays usually with just a family meal out, sometimes even a takeaway, always cards and presents (not big) and milestone birthdays are either a party with friends or weekend away. If I were you I would help your friend with her DCs party if you enjoy doing it but make your own arrangements for your birthday on your birthday with other friends and family. I would not want to celebrate in two weeks time and would be miffed with your friends for suggesting that.

I think you all need to get a grip with kids birthdays though but as I am older I think we have been brought up and brought our kids up in a different environment. My daughter makes a 200 mile round trip back home to celebrate her friends DCs birthdays every year. They do travel to see her for her birthday though so I guess that is at least reciprocated.

YANBU

Expat38matt · 06/05/2017 08:09

Your friends sound odd to me! All my friends are mothers but I have zero involvement in their kids parties other than if my kids are invited and showing up! Most of the time the invitation is the reminder it's even their Dcs bday! ( I do remember family member bdaya btw!)
I certainly wouldn't be spending months by their side planning it, or even spending any money other than for a gift. And if said party was so epic every year that they needed 2 weeks to recover - well I'd think that was just bizarre !!
But I love celebrating friends birthdays ! Much more interesting if you ask me! We're all in our 40s so usually it's a dinner and a bit of a dance somewhere ! But no fuss, usually fairly last minute, open to whoever wants to come and (this is key!) organized by the birthday person !!
So to summarize- if you want to celebrate your bday then book it and organize it yourself and don't expect anyone else will do it for you! And also you possibly need new friends if their lives revolve around planning kids parties !!

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