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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his sandwiches?

482 replies

DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 18:40

Dp has been feeling rubbish at work lately. It's because instead of taking some proper food in he takes a couple of breakfast bars to see him through his shift but he is on his feet a lot so this obviously isn't substantial enough.

I suggested he should maybe make himself a sandwich or something to take with him. His response was that he can't be botheredHmm it takes five minutes to knock up a wrap or sandwich. He asked me if I could make them for him but I refused on the basis that he is more than capable of making his own sandwich for work and that I have enough on my plate with 2 young dc, the majority of the housework and cooking and my own myriad of MH issues.

I am a sahm, but I don't see why I should be expected to make him sandwiches when he has ample time either before or after work to make one himself. I'm his partner, not his mother. Aibu?

OP posts:
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Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 20:02

Could you swerve the sandwich/housewife issue and just buy a multipack of sausage rolls/ pasties or something to put in the fridge? He can stick one in a bag to take with him. Plus a banana or cereal bar.

Yes occasionally he does ask me to put pasties on the online food shop for work lunches, I think I'll start making that a regular thing so even if he can't be bothered to make a sandwich he has no excuse for not grabbing a pasty out the fridge and something out of the fruit bowl.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 04/05/2017 20:03

He is not the sole financial provider. She is propping up what makes their lives possible in masses of other ways within the partnership.

JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 20:03

Glitch Preparing food is domestic.

gribak · 04/05/2017 20:04

Nah - he is just being plain lazy, and yes I would get resentful if I had to treat my partner like a third child and make his work sandwiches for him!! But then I am a bit of a feminist!

WellErrr · 04/05/2017 20:05

So is arse wiping, should she be doing that too?
What about shining his shoes?

ijustwannadance · 04/05/2017 20:05

So why is ok for him to just do nothing for two hours before work just because he gets paid?
He is capable of, and has plenty of time to make himself a bloody sandwich.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/05/2017 20:06

Hooray I've solved the issue by suggesting pasties! ...He might get fat though Grin but at least he won't have a resentful wife Wink

stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 20:07

He eats it at work. Ergo work related.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 20:07

I am still confused on the issue of the actual sandwiches. OPs DP isnt bothered about having them. OP wants him to have them but wont make them.

He text me from work saying he was feeling weak and hungry. I asked what food he had with him today and he said cereal bars so I suggested that maybe he should start taking sandwiches or similar. He said he couldn't be bothered to make them and could I make them for him. I said no because I know he has the time to do it himself. He got a bit arsey i.e he thinks this should be one of my 'jobs' and now here we are. We haven't fallen out over it or anything, I was just interested in other people's views.

OP posts:
JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 20:07

Glitch it's made in the house.

Giddyaunt18 · 04/05/2017 20:09

I make our DC's packed lunch. I don't make DH's. he takes in leftovers from dinner, buys a sandwich out or takes bread etc to work to make his own there. if you don't have time , he's a big boy now.

Spectre8 · 04/05/2017 20:09

WellErrr no I did see it but OP has said that he does help out in other ways, maybe he just doesn't like cooking so much so isn't as motivated in doing it as he is when he does other things.

So my point was either support him just a bit until he gets his energy back or if your making sandwichs anyway just make another one so its not like an extra thing.

Fruitcocktail6 · 04/05/2017 20:10

YANBU not to make them, entirely up to you and he sounds like a child. But I probably would for my DP, and I'm not a sahm.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 20:10

Maybe I should set up a chopping board and ingredients at the local park? Who's job would it be then to make his lunch?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 04/05/2017 20:11

I make my boyfriend a packed lunch on the two work-nights a week he stays at mine. He has to get up at 4.00 so goes to bed early, whereas I like to stay up and potter about, so it makes more sense for me to do it as part of my pottering activities than for him to do it and thereby eat into our box set time.

I wouldn't do it under the circumstances you describe, OP. No way.

scottishdiem · 04/05/2017 20:11

OP - its def not your job so all you need to do is tell him to eat better and leave him to work it out.

Littleraincloud · 04/05/2017 20:11

Heinz do a series of soups in tubes which you add water to to rehydrate and they just taste like regular soup. He could keep a box of these in his locker and then he wouldn't even need to remember to take anything. My husband more often than not takes a Tupperware container of left over food as he prefers a hot meal.

WilburIsSomePig · 04/05/2017 20:12

If he genuinely struggled to find the time to do it then I might. If it's just that he can't be arsed, then no, I wouldn't.

I like to do things for DH, he likes to do things for me, but I really can't be arsed with the whole SAHP does all the domestic chores, including making sandwiches for another adult, just because they can't be bothered.

The 'if you love him' shite is just mind boggling...

WellErrr · 04/05/2017 20:12

So tell us the rules then JustAKitten, I'm interested now as I'm clearly doing it all wrong.

Food eaten at work is OP's job because it's made at home.....where's the line?
Should OP do -

  • all shopping (food delivered to home)
  • all clothes washing (are work clothes included?)
  • all domestic cleaning
  • all house related paperwork
  • all childcare
  • all cooking for everyone
Etc....and as long as DH brings in a wage he should be allowed to sit in his chair with his pipe and slippers?
stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 20:12

So what? He gets dressed in the house, wipes his arse in the house, flushes the loo in the house. Should OP do all that for him too? What if he brings work home with him? Does it then become the OP's responsibility?

Stop being goady. Which you are by the way. Anyone, who upon reading that an OP has alot on her plate and a myriad of mental health issues, decides to tell her if she loves her husband enough she would do it, and why she would 'chose' to be a SAHP if she didn't want to do everything, is goady by definition.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 04/05/2017 20:13

OP has already said there are times when she feels he isn't pulling his weight. If the OP starts making sandwiches, I seriously doubt he'll see the light and then carry on to make his own. He'll simply expect OP adds yet another task to her day.

piddleypower · 04/05/2017 20:15

YANBU. He is just being lazy.

WellErrr · 04/05/2017 20:15

OP should not be wiping his arse, that's just silly.

But perhaps she could prepare him some little folded squares of tissue to make it less of a chore for him?

stitchglitched · 04/05/2017 20:19

Why not wipe his arse? By Kitten's logic, it's all food related!

JustAKitten · 04/05/2017 20:20

Well I'd have said most of what you listed would be the job of the SAHP. Interesting that this isn't the main view.

Maybe I should mention I grew up in a very traditional household with regards to this and that might have influenced it. I in no way think it's a gender thing, just a SAHP thing.

I never said "if you loved him".

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