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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not make his sandwiches?

482 replies

DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 18:40

Dp has been feeling rubbish at work lately. It's because instead of taking some proper food in he takes a couple of breakfast bars to see him through his shift but he is on his feet a lot so this obviously isn't substantial enough.

I suggested he should maybe make himself a sandwich or something to take with him. His response was that he can't be botheredHmm it takes five minutes to knock up a wrap or sandwich. He asked me if I could make them for him but I refused on the basis that he is more than capable of making his own sandwich for work and that I have enough on my plate with 2 young dc, the majority of the housework and cooking and my own myriad of MH issues.

I am a sahm, but I don't see why I should be expected to make him sandwiches when he has ample time either before or after work to make one himself. I'm his partner, not his mother. Aibu?

OP posts:
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Quickieat2 · 05/05/2017 06:20

Just because you're a SAHP, it doesn't mean you should do every household chore including basic self care for your DH. My DH works very long hours (not just a standard day) and still manages to make his own lunch, put his own clothes out ready for the next day, put his dirty laundry in the wash bin, put the dry plates in the cupboard.

Nessie71 · 05/05/2017 06:23

If he cant be arsed then dont make them! I make my husbands if he is in a hurry (not very often) otherwise he does his own.

MissShittyBennet · 05/05/2017 08:14

Not one single poster, who has berated the op, has made any reference to her health problems. Are they really so enmeshed in proving her to be a bad wife, that her health doesn't matter?

Of course they are.

Notice that a few of them have referenced him feeling a bit fed up to boot, so it's not even as if they have the excuse of not getting that feeling down, MH type stuff can be really debilitating. Says everything, it really does.

OP, I said last night that all the replies telling you to make his sandwich have been batshit. That's still true. If you find yourself wavering, come back and read some of them again.

smeerf · 05/05/2017 08:16

I would make them and here's why: as the person who does the shopping and the cooking, I know what we have, what we're low on, what needs eating up in the fridge etc. So some days it would be sandwiches, some days it would be leftovers from previous meals. I'd build this lunches into my meal prep in the week.

If he did it, he'd probably come barging in, take over the kitchen, make a mess, use up the last of the bread (or whatever) and forget to write it on the list. I know it sounds cynical, but I'd avoid all that plus feel good that he's eating properly. Many a maccers lunch has been avoided by a pre made sandwich.

MickeyRooney · 05/05/2017 08:17

The more I read here, the more i think he should make his own fucking sandwiches. Lazy entitled manchild.

araiwa · 05/05/2017 08:26

cant he buy some food at a shop on his way or near work??

Mommawoo · 05/05/2017 08:29

Yanbu op. I also have a dp that would rather starve than fix his own food.

If I'm making food for everyone then of course he eats with us, but I have stopped leaping off the couch to go and make something specially for him. To those giving the op a hard time, its not just the 5 minute act of making a sandwich, its having to take on another responsibility. I have to make food and bring drinks to my kids all fucking day, I'm not also going to do it for a grown man who is perfectly capable of doing it himself.

Poisongirl81 · 05/05/2017 08:29

When my oh worked 70 hours he still did mornings with kids made his lunch and mine and left for work at 8 am so yes he can make his own

Timeforteaplease · 05/05/2017 08:41

It doesn't matter what the job is - making sandwiches, cutting the grass, washing the car - being expected to do it because your DH can't be arsed is shit.
Since when is "I can't be arsed so you should do it for me" part of the dialogue in any decent relationship?

Timeforteaplease · 05/05/2017 08:43

I presume he can wipe his own bum? Or is that your job too because you are a SAHP?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 05/05/2017 08:46

If he was single he would have to think about catering for himself for 5 minutes per day ... or eating only breakfast bars and feeling like shit!

What an unappealing specimen he (and all the other lazy and entitled people who think like him) is.

I have to say it again, I find it truly amazing and surreal and awful that there are so many YABUs on this thread. I think they are in the minority, but it's still shocking how many there are.

NavyandWhite · 05/05/2017 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notarehearsal · 05/05/2017 08:51

One of the things exdh said as he walked out of the door to ow was ' you never make me sandwiches, ow does' Grin

notarehearsal · 05/05/2017 08:53

He was completely right of course and a dick in so many other ways

motherinferior · 05/05/2017 08:57

I agree with bibbity (I often doSmile).

My partner has many faults but expecting me to make a packed lunch isn't one of them.

My 13yo would hate it if I made her sandwiches!

NavyandWhite · 05/05/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusterGonad · 05/05/2017 08:59

I've dipped in and out of this thread, I know, I should read it ALL but it's long etc...at first I thought the op was BU but after hearing he works shifts and often starts late, I'm thinking he's a lazy git. If he started early and the mornings were hectic with the school run and getting to work in time then I think the op could be kind and make her partner a packed lunch as she does the kids one, no hassle, easy to do, I do them myself. But after reading that he's up hours before work etc and cannot be BOTHERED to make a sandwich then I think he's taking the piss. It's one thing to ask nicely for a sandwich but another to openly admit you can't be bothered to make it yourself.

BusterGonad · 05/05/2017 09:00

Yes to Navyandwhite.

Timeforteaplease · 05/05/2017 09:01

It's not the making sandwiches that is a problem - it's the context. If they'd had a chat and her DH had asked politely, said he didn't have enough time to do it, or he hated doing it, or gave any half sensible reason as to why OP should make the sarnies, then I'm sure she probably would. But saying he can't be arsed to do something so no it's her job is insulting on so many levels.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2017 09:05

I'm also shocked at the Responses on here. She explains how busy she is, she's at home with two kids under four, she also has mental health issues and people are attacking her and saying she should make his sandwiches simply because he can't be arsed, basically that her time and her health is irrelevant.

If he can't be arsed she should step to it. No he should care enough about her to not ask, in fact to offer to help her further in the mornings, but nope not only should he get to lie in until 10.30am when she is up with the kids, she should also make his sandwiches.

Honestly quite depressing reading.

motherinferior · 05/05/2017 09:08

She doesn't even need to have reasons. He doesn't!

Peanutbuttercheese · 05/05/2017 09:16

I have been in a similar situation with a bit of a struggle over lunch making in that I am now at home due to health issues..

I used to make lunches for everyone and really very nice bento style boxes for us all so quite labour intensive DH used to actually pay me to make his lunch, we were both working FT then. It was not much more bother to do an extra one while I made DS and mine one but it was the principle for me.

I became unwell and had to give up work, this all continued but the effort some days was too much for anything so he just naturally started to make his own without discussion. DS now makes his own most days though I do sometimes.

It's a gender role because women are still almost always the SAHP. It doesn't matter to some how much you save in childcare etc no actual £ are brought in to the house in these circumstances by a SAHP. So as much as I dislike enforced gender roles I see both sides of the argument.

Fortunately for me I was awarded my full pension on medical grounds. It's not as much as I earned but as I had a very decent job it's a really decent pension. Still having financial independence means my wants are not subsumed by the only working adult in the house. I know they shouldn't be but they often are just reading MN shows this.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 09:25

cant he buy some food at a shop on his way or near work??

There are no shops on his route, he literally works up the road from where we live but thanks for the suggestion.

I mentioned to him that I'm going to start adding Cornish pasties to the food shop every week, so at least he's got something and it's no skin off my nose either. Also he did apologise in the end for getting arsey over the whole thing.

Thanks to those who have been supportive and understanding (even those who don't necessarily agree).

To those who resorted to name calling, lecturing and berating, have a fucking biscuitBiscuit

It's been a very erm, insightful thread to say the least.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 05/05/2017 09:25

Your husband payed you to make his lunch peanut? That's very interesting. I make my husbands lunch, I'm currently a SAHP but I made them when we both worked too, he appreciated it and still does and that was enough for me. There are things he does that I appreciate so it's even.

robinsongyal · 05/05/2017 09:43

I see both sides of the argument, from my own experience I'd say that if it doesn't put you out and you enjoy doing it make him a sandwich..if it turns into a chore and becomes a stress then he can defiantly do it himself (especially as he has a late start to work!)
I'm a really early bird, usually up before 7 which is around the time my DP wakes up for work...because of this I have no problem in making him coffee for morning and sandwich for work! Smile i started doing this a year or so ago when I would be up for my run before uni, however if I don't have enough time or just happen to be asleep then he'll do it himself! It's not expected of me to do this for him, but ive found that he'll show he really appreciates it by cooking a lovely dinner for us, spontaneously deep cleaning something I don't like doing or just being more affectionate generally! Grin

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