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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his sandwiches?

482 replies

DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 18:40

Dp has been feeling rubbish at work lately. It's because instead of taking some proper food in he takes a couple of breakfast bars to see him through his shift but he is on his feet a lot so this obviously isn't substantial enough.

I suggested he should maybe make himself a sandwich or something to take with him. His response was that he can't be botheredHmm it takes five minutes to knock up a wrap or sandwich. He asked me if I could make them for him but I refused on the basis that he is more than capable of making his own sandwich for work and that I have enough on my plate with 2 young dc, the majority of the housework and cooking and my own myriad of MH issues.

I am a sahm, but I don't see why I should be expected to make him sandwiches when he has ample time either before or after work to make one himself. I'm his partner, not his mother. Aibu?

OP posts:
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5
owenjonesismyhero · 05/05/2017 00:05

YANBU

He has the time, but can't be bothered because making food is a woman's job, you are the woman at home, you do it.

My DP works at home a lot. I am a childminder. I'd arrive home with 3 kids at midday, make them lunch, clear up, do naps, come downstairs.
DP: What are you having for lunch? Me: I will have an egg. He hates boiled eggs. He would go back upstairs, working or pissing about in his office. I eat a boiled egg and a piece of bread, I have this every day.
He will come down later and say 'I'm starving, I haven't had any lunch'
I say nothing - fridge full of food, sort yourself out.

I used to say, I'll make us both sandwich. But despite us both working, he never ever made me one. So I stopped making him a sandwich. When I'm not there, he can feed himself.

I am not his mother, or slave. Neither are you OP.

moreslackthanslick · 05/05/2017 00:05

Lol at the amount of MN bingo on this thread.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 00:09

Has he insisted you should do it because your a sahm? Or this just your warped reaction on the whole thing.

Actually if you bother to read my posts properly rather than reading what you want to read you will find that I did mention that :" He got a bit arsey i.e he thinks this should be one of my 'jobs' '.

I mean how far do you take this, for example asking him to make a cuppa for you because you can't be asked to get up from the sofa every evening...is that perfectly ok and not an issue?

This literally makes no sense. I don't drink hot drinks. And if I asked him to make me a drink because I couldn't be arsed and he said no then that's fair enough, I wouldn't then moan that he should do it anyway. He's not obliged to make me a drink when I'm perfectly capable of making one myselfConfused

Stop making so many assumptions about me as a person and stick to what's actually being said on the thread.

Not one single poster, who has berated the op, has made any reference to her health problems. Are they really so enmeshed in proving her to be a bad wife, that her health doesn't matter?

Thank you Poverty I also noticed that, but I didn't want to point it out in case I was accused of using my MH as a get out clause or some such nonsense.

OP posts:
outabout · 05/05/2017 00:15

If I was getting myself food I would always offer to make something for whoever is in the house. Simple courtesy!
If it was a more tricky menu I would happily do the veges and potatoes but ask DW to sort out the fiddly things perhaps with prep (onion peeling etc) by me. All eat, all help.

Spectre8 · 05/05/2017 00:20

Well to be honest OP the fact you made a decision and then come on here and put it out to random people knowing what forums are like have people slagging your husband off and no you can't control what they say but doesn't take a genius to work out what the instant reaction would be means I have no respect for you. I would hate to have a partner who went off and discussed private issues with random people and then didn't even defend me when being called all manner of names.

You made your decision and you only came on here not to get another view but to rant it out because despite making a decision your still not happy and need validation.

PollytheDolly · 05/05/2017 00:26

Stop making so many assumptions about me as a person and stick to what's actually being said on the thread.

Im reading it all. Sounds like you're both feeling a bit Sad at the moment.

I think the thread is split as PPs are talking from our own circumstances. I make my DHs lunch but he really appreciates it and tells me every day but if I felt taken for granted I wouldn't obviously.

You said you'd do it maybe for a few days? Ok, so what can he do to make your life easier?

LittleMissCrazyMama · 05/05/2017 00:27

So, he doesn't make them because HE can't be bothered, yet expects YOU to be bothered. I'd tell him to jog on!

StripeyZazie · 05/05/2017 00:33

Depends. Is he asking you to do it cos it's "women's work"? Or is he a bit down and is asking for a bit of temporary support to boost him out of that rut?

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 00:35

Stop the presses, Spectre - a random stranger on the Internet has no respect for me. I am completely devastated.

I'm done. Get over yourself.

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 05/05/2017 00:42

Lol well least I don't a OH who would go and talk about me to random strangers and then let then slag me off. I don't need to get over myself I have more respect and value for myself and my partner than you do. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate how respectful you've been towards your OH infact go ahead and show him this thread lets see how he would take it. How would you take it if your OH did this to you? You would hate it.

anon1987 · 05/05/2017 00:44

Spectre8 are you bored or something?

JustAKitten · 05/05/2017 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

moreslackthanslick · 05/05/2017 00:48

It's a fucking sandwich, you suggested it. Why the drama? Just make it for him. 😂

Spectre8 · 05/05/2017 00:52

Nope not bored I just really can't understand why people who have already made a decision and made that decision known then continue to flipping moan about it afterwards. You made a decision because you decided it was the right thing so why on earth still go on about it and even more importantly why then need other people's perspectives afterwards because you need validation? Why would you need someone to validate your decision when you have already made it and communicated that. Its like doing everything backwards and expect the other person to be okay about the fact you made a decision and then go and moan about it to other people and dragging the matter out even longer.

Spectre8 · 05/05/2017 00:53

Seriously in the time OP has spent on here she could of made a week's worth of sandwichs for her OH Grin

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 01:00

Yes maybe I did want validation, so bloody what? Most people who post on mn are looking for validation of some sort. I was also open to the idea that I might have been in the wrong but I wasn't expecting to be berated for posting a thread like thousands of other mn users do every single day.

You didn't answer my question earlier Spectre so I'll ask again:

Do you go onto every thread where someone posts/rants about their Dp to tell them how awful they are or is mine a special case?

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 05/05/2017 01:04

Are you sure your DH isn't on here, OP, because some of these posters are obsessed with painting you as the bad wife?

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 01:06

No he's definitely not on here, he's sat right next to me reading a book currentlySmile He knows I use mn but doesn't have a clue about how it works.

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 05/05/2017 01:09

In that case , case tell him to get of his arse and make himself a sandwich for work, tomorrow. 😉😁

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 05/05/2017 01:11

BiscuitGrin

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 05/05/2017 01:12

I've just sat and read the whole thread, very interested in this as my DH also insisted I made him sandwiches, eventually after about 10 years of it I said fuck off and do your own. I was never a SAHM I was and still am a WFHM - I work from home. As a result, I was expected to do everything including childcare from the time my second DD was born and we had to take them out of childminders due to cost.

DDs are now teenagers and is now semi retired, works 2 days a week - he still makes a huge fuss about his sandwiches; he'll only make them if he has his "special" (expensive) ingredients and if he can't be arsed to make them he says "I have no choice but to get lunch from Waitrose tomorrow" - did that today and spent £7 on lunch.

I think its a control thing, a sort of expectation that they want you to meet. Oh and please please everyone stop talking to Kitten she's clearly enjoying winding you all up.

StaplesCorner · 05/05/2017 01:13

(sorry its DH who is semi retired, not my teenagers)

NerdyBird · 05/05/2017 02:28

Would it work if you gave him a choice - you'll do his sandwiches if he does another daily chore? That might suddenly inspire him to be arsed!
In your particular circs yanbu.

I do make my DPs lunch but he does all the other cooking so for us it's a fair swap.

What did he use to do for lunch? I got the impression the biscuit eating is a recent thing?

BearGryllsHasaBigRope · 05/05/2017 04:03

No no no no yanbu!! If he wasn't making sandwiches because he genuinely didn't have time then of course you could lend a hand. But he sits on his arse until 1pm and can't be bothered??!! No way in hell should you make his sandwiches!

HicDraconis · 05/05/2017 04:33

YANBU! I work 10h a day (except days like today when I am at work for 10h but on call for the other 14 - and we've already got cases booked for this evening so I'll be at work 7.30am until at least 10pm so far, and the day is still young....) and I make my own lunch!

I also make everyone's breakfasts and then if I have time, the boys' lunches while I'm throwing mine together. Sometimes DH has time to make our lunches and will make mine for me but it's not a given!

If your DH wants a decent lunch instead of crappy cereal bars he can get off his arse and make himself something. If he'd rather just feel rubbish at work that is his choice, he's prioritising sofa time before work over decent food while at work.

DH does do all the shopping so I give him a list of things I'd like us to have in to make lunches easier and he gets them.

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