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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not make his sandwiches?

482 replies

DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 18:40

Dp has been feeling rubbish at work lately. It's because instead of taking some proper food in he takes a couple of breakfast bars to see him through his shift but he is on his feet a lot so this obviously isn't substantial enough.

I suggested he should maybe make himself a sandwich or something to take with him. His response was that he can't be botheredHmm it takes five minutes to knock up a wrap or sandwich. He asked me if I could make them for him but I refused on the basis that he is more than capable of making his own sandwich for work and that I have enough on my plate with 2 young dc, the majority of the housework and cooking and my own myriad of MH issues.

I am a sahm, but I don't see why I should be expected to make him sandwiches when he has ample time either before or after work to make one himself. I'm his partner, not his mother. Aibu?

OP posts:
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Sunbeam18 · 04/05/2017 22:09

What a load of rubbish on this thread! Of course YANBU. He has more time than you do to make his bloody sandwiches if all he has to do is go to work while you do everything at home, including looking after the kids. It's nothing to do with 'not loving him enough' and everything to do with not being taken for a ride!

Sunbeam18 · 04/05/2017 22:10

And the poster DOES work - in the home.

Notsoslimshady · 04/05/2017 22:11

I don't think it would navy

All the hate would migrate to the lovely comfy chat area. I reckon it's best to keep it contained over here instead of letting it consume chat.

Notsoslimshady · 04/05/2017 22:14

It's interesting, those that preach the most sanctimony are often the most vicious and spiteful. As is being evidenced

Every time, with no hint of irony.

NavyandWhite · 04/05/2017 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outabout · 04/05/2017 22:21

So why isn't HE looking after/entertaining the DC in the time between getting up and going out to work?

Xmasbaby11 · 04/05/2017 22:21

Personally I'd make the sandwiches if you're generally happy with things between you. But for me, I do most kitchen related stuff and I would make the sandwiches while preparing dinner so it'd take almost no effort. Dh doesn't cook (does all washing up and many other chores) but is of course capable of making a sandwich. It wouldn't be a big deal for me. We do a lot of nice things for each other. If this wasn't the case I can see why I'd resent being asked. It sounds like you're stretched and don't need another task to do, in which case, can he do more to pull his weight?

feelingblue123 · 04/05/2017 22:23

If my other half was a bit down, and me making him a sandwich would cheer him up a bit, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Its only 5 mins and shows you care. He does plenty of lovely things for me when the situation is reversed so why not treat as you would like to be treated.

Whathaveilost · 04/05/2017 22:25

After reading the ops post I think that the issue over sandwiches is a bit of a red herring. If everything else was ok and she wasn't doing everything she may not mind making a few butties. However all the jobs are falling on her.

I have had the easiest life with DH doing most of the child care because I worked unsociable hours and he has nothing but the interests of the family at heart which has been proved so many times over the decades. Therefore I have no. Problem making him a butty if he wants me to. This doesn't make me a Stepford wife.
Some of the people sound like they actively dislike their partners or resent doing anything for them.
I prefer the easiness of give and take that happens in my telationship.

Notsoslimshady · 04/05/2017 22:30

If my other half was a bit down, and me making him a sandwich would cheer him up a bit, I'd do it in a heartbeat

By the same token, if my sah partner had been up since the crack of dawn, was running around after 2 kids, i'd get off the couch and make my own sandwich so she knew i didn't take her for granted.

Inertia · 04/05/2017 22:31

YANBU.

If you were home all day with children at school, then it might be considered a reasonable request.

As it is , he expects you to make his sandwiches while you are working (caring for 2 pre-school children) and he's sat on his arse.

Spectre8 · 04/05/2017 22:34

So OP says the following:

"It depends what we're having. Most of the time I cook one meal for the whole family but if he wants something only he likes then he cooks it himself when he gets in. He does also cook entire family meals sometimes too, usually once in a while at the weekend or when he's on the early shift. If I ask him to cook he has no problem doing it.

His shifts also mean that he's not always around at family meal time so unless it's something that can be reheated he has no choice but to cook for himself occasionally. "

So her OH makes his own meals quite a lot of the time and even family meals occassionally. If he is asked to do a family meal or cook he does it. If he doesn't want what she has cooked he doesn't demand she cooks him something else he does it himself.

His wife then tells him to take in better lunches and he asks if she would make a sandwich and she says no.

Doesn't seem like her OH is lazy all the time and not pulling his weight all the time. Sounds fairly balanced unless OP is going to drip feed everything.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 22:47

How am I drip feeding? A pp asked about cooking and I gave them an answer.

OP posts:
Jigglyguff · 04/05/2017 22:58

Some of these responses are ridiculous.

To not make his sandwiches?
RhiWrites · 04/05/2017 23:03

It's a bit depressing that the best solution so far is OP buying sausage rolls or pasties to feed her lazy husband.

Not quite as depressing as the number of women who see SAHM as domestic servants.

anon1987 · 04/05/2017 23:06

No you're not obligated to make his packed lunches.
My MIL and me had this debate, she was surprised I didn't make her precious prince lunch as a routine Envy
So I reminded her just what that 'routine' causes...a husband who sees you as a mother figure ( her husband treats her like shit if he doesn't like his pack lunch.)

I make my dp a pack lunch IF I have time, but Iv made it quite clear that he shouldn't rely on it.
I'm also a sahm ( but not a skivvy)

Spectre8 · 04/05/2017 23:12

Her husband isn't lazy, he cooks his own meals when he wants different food, also helps out around the house, cooks family meals and if asked to cook he will cook. Doesn't sound lazy to me. So he doesn't make his own lunch, well he does he grabs breakfast bars at least OP doesn't then have to wash up his dishes! Bet she would complain about that too.

I don't see where her OP has been demanding and insisting her to make his lunch either he most likley asked because she was the one to tell him to eat better and suggested sandwichs. That doesn't mean he thinks just because she is a sahp she should do it for him. Did he say that? I don't see OP saying that is what he said. All he said is that he can't be arsed and would she make him one is just a request not a demand...that doesn't mean he is saying that as a sahm she should make it for him.

Original poster
DeleteOrDecay · 04/05/2017 23:24

Bet she would complain about that too.

And you jumped to that assumption how?Hmm

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 04/05/2017 23:29

I think some of the people talking about him "sitting on his arse" all morning are being mean. Didn't the OP say somewhere he works 1-9:30? I'd be shattered with that shift pattern with kids because I imagine he still wakes up at "normal" time but gets to bed late.

And this sort of shift buggers up your metabolism as well.

BUT you know him better than me. Is he just being a bit lazy meaning it is best you don't enable him. Or is there something else going on? He feels rubbish at work - just because of the lack of food? He 'can't be bothered' to do something quick to help himself - is he massively tired and struggling/depressed/physically unwell?

I'd find out for sure OP if it's because he can't be bothered or this^

I would make DH sandwiches because DH is a nice person who is worth making sandwiches for.

Me too. And mine works crap hours too and it does affect him.

ijustwannadance · 04/05/2017 23:34

If he asks again simply tell him you can't be arsed.

Spectre8 · 04/05/2017 23:39

Because OP you OH made a request after you made a suggestion and you've blown it up into why should I make him sandwichs I am so busy already blah blah. He just asked you and this is your reaction, a simple no was all that was needed instead your just taken it another level. Did he demand you make him sanwichs everyday? Has he insisted you should do it because your a sahm? Or this just your warped reaction on the whole thing.

Thats why I said you would react that way about the dishes.
I mean how far do you take this, for example asking him to make a cuppa for you because you can't be asked to get up from the sofa every evening...is that perfectly ok and not an issue?

Quickieat2 · 04/05/2017 23:39

It's not like his work shifts are particularly long with big commutes. My DH is out of the house 6am-7.30pm.

PovertyPain · 04/05/2017 23:47

Not one single poster, who has berated the op, has made any reference to her health problems. Are they really so enmeshed in proving her to be a bad wife, that her health doesn't matter? Sometimes it only takes that tiny bit extra, that seems like nothing to others, to drag a person further into depression.

Fwiw, OP, I think you're brilliant, running a home and looking after children, while ill. 💐 P.s. Your husband can make his own fecking lunch. Seriously can't believe people are feeling sorry for him, because he starts @ 1 and finishes @9. Cry me a river.

anon1987 · 04/05/2017 23:54

Can't believe someone said they'd be shattered after a 1pm-9pm shift ?!
That's 8 hours...he gets up mid morning, sits down, goes to work and then probably gets to bed at a normal hour too.
My partner works 7am-7pm 6 days a week and I still don't feel obligated to make his lunch.
If you want to make your husband a lunch then that's great, everyone's happy.
If you don't have time or are too tired etc, then You shouldn't feel bad about not having one prepared, and they should be able and willing to do it themselves.

Madammim17 · 04/05/2017 23:54

My ex used to do this, though it was done in a more sly 'oh you make them so much better than me' way that resulted in me doing it even though I wasn't really happy to do so. It wasn't so much actual act of making the food but the expectation that I would and that I should, otherwise I was out of order Hmm I think as others have said that it does depend on the dynamic of your relationship on the whole in terms of division of labour, who does what etc, but I don't really think YABU here.

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