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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU?? Is this taking the piss?

296 replies

TesticleMeElmo · 04/05/2017 17:56

Right, bit of a rant here but hear me out. Our DD is 4 next week, so we're having a party on Sunday for her. We've hired a hall, got the nibbles sorted, and invited everyone she wants and a fair few family members and their children as well. Apart from the fact that it's taken best part of a sodding month for anyone to rsvp, I'm now suddenly getting messages galore asking 'Are parents staying or are we just dropping off?'
Surely this is ridiculous?? I wouldn't DREAM of leaving DD at a party free for all with roughly 40 other kids that she's unlikely to know many of (we have a large family) while she's so young. Is this a thing now? What if they need the toilet?? What if they break themselves? What if they break someone else?? What if they're being horrible little shits and need to be told off??! Am I right in thinking they just want an afternoon of free childcare while they bugger off and do something that's actually fun? How old were yours when you left them?

OP posts:
dotdotdotmustdash · 05/05/2017 21:09

My Dc are older now (late teens) and as far as I remember the parties I hosted for them (from age 3 up) were always drop and run for the parents. There would always be me, Dh, both our mothers and a friend or two to supervise.

We moved area just before my Dcs 4th and 6th birthdays (joint party) and invited all the neighbourhood children around the same age with their siblings, about 24 kids I think. One mother handed me their 2year old and a nappy bag before she left. We coped. I don't think anyone doubted our ability to look after children since we had two of our own.

38cody · 05/05/2017 21:10

Mainly drop and go round here - esp as it's usually the class that they know and are bonded with.
If they need the loo - they go to the loo!
They cope all day in nursery and reception with less adults than you'd have at a party.
But why are there 40 children she doesn't know?
I think YABU and need to be clearer to parents about what it is you want.

WanderingStar1 · 05/05/2017 21:24

No way! None of our preschool or reception parents dropped and ran, we all stayed and were bored to tears chatted but that's how it goes at that age. Only time I did was when a pre-school play leader held a party in the pre-school, so a) it was locked, b) it was a known environment (although mine were in reception by then), and c) I gave her my phone number and went shopping, but didn;t leave for the whole 2 hours. Most children would get upset if their parents weren't around at that age, IME, plus the host shouldn't have to worry about them escaping out of the door/hurting themselves/hitting another child/needing the loo etc. Think we started the D&R thing around 6 but depends on your child. I would always expect to stay, or at least ask, until Year 1 or 2, I think.

mumof3boys33 · 05/05/2017 21:37

I think there was a thread on here recently with a mum complaining that mum's wanted to stay and she didn't want to have to entertain and feed them too. I think that was a 4 year old too. May have been 5. Our school have several parties in the local village hall run by the school committee. Reception children have to have a parent stay. I think that is reasonable.

birdspooping · 05/05/2017 22:37

It's fair enough to have a larger party, just thinking perhaps it's good idea to hire a Mary Poppins figure/experienced childdoorperson to allow for any potential runaways.

Bargainqueen · 05/05/2017 23:21

I have to say OP, that every birthday party that we have had for our DS has been in a hall or soft play that has been hired privately and I have never been asked if they should be dropped off. DS turned 4 in April and all of the parents stayed this time too. I don't know what the reason for this could be as I'm seeing people saying that it's quite normal for parents to drop their children off. I've never know it for any childrens party we've been invited to. If this is the case for you then I can see why you think it's strange. Can you think back to any parties you've been to and what the 'norm' is? For my social circle, we have all ages- from 0 to 12, even if it's someone we don't really know very well we've never had the question asked. This has really got me thinking just how different people can be and can totally see why people may be asking the question if it's so varied across the board. Good luck with the party!

Louiselouie0890 · 05/05/2017 23:43

Completely normal if you don't want them to leave just say

MoreMusicPlease · 06/05/2017 00:28

Yanbu we recently had a party for my four year old, all parents stayed. There's no way I would have felt safe, let alone enjoyed, supervising that many four year olds - there were about 15 - even with three extra adults.

Blueink · 06/05/2017 01:54

A vote here for 'normal' for children rising 4. Have also had a younger sibling stay so the parent could have a break for a couple of hours. Some parents like to stay and some don't, some hosts like parents to stay and some don't. YABU if you are offended by a question to clarify the arrangements for the party. Just say you want them to stay if that's what you want

Ineke · 06/05/2017 01:58

Think that they are asking out of politeness. Would be rude to stay if not invited to, especially so since it is a family get together as well. Normal question I think and at 4, my children were left if party was small and in someone's house. Not left if in a big play area, I would sit apart with a coffee but be there if needed. I work with kids and there are issues to consider which may have bad consequences, be aware.

SpareASquare · 06/05/2017 02:37

A party, in a hall, for a FOUR year old. With a bar for adults? Just wow! Shock

Getting past that, around 4 is where I'd drop and run. Pretty normal around here. Perfect opportunity to go do something better than hang around at a kids party. Though, if I knew there was a bar it might be different. Could be tolerable then Grin

JJBum · 06/05/2017 06:51

Where we are nobody just drops off and goes at a 4 year old's party. In fact it doesn't happen for big parties in halls at all. There's an unspoken consensus that it's not fair to leave the hosts with that many children and no other adults, so almost everyone stays (or parents share staying with each other). At around 6, it's drop and go for a smaller party at someone's house.

However, I do have friends who live in areas where this starts to happen in Reception, so around 5 years old. And yes, they consider it a pain and a hassle. There's always a child who gets stuck in the loo, one who needs their bum wiping and then issues with food. The parents who stay end up having to deal with all of that. The parents who go, like to talk about how their child doesn't need them in social situations, etc, etc blissfully unaware that little Johnny had his bum wiped by someone else/spent a good portion of the party in tears.

At a 4th birthday party, I'd consider them way to young to be left. Surely some of the party going friends will only be 3 and will almost definitely need help with toileting, etc?

Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 06:59

I think 4 is too young to be dropped and left however I wouldn't worry, some parents will stay and hopefully help out

missdebaroo · 06/05/2017 07:52

😬 how are people to know what kind of party it is unless it was put on the invite? Family and friends all at one party sounds like to much work for me anyways I keep stuff like that separate.

ocelot41 · 06/05/2017 08:01

I have only started asking if I can drop and go at 7. Before I was asking the hosts what they needed a hand with!

Mumzypopz · 06/05/2017 08:14

By me, everyone stays, at least up to about age eight. There was only ever one Mum who used to drop and go (usually at playbarns), and everyone would talk about her. The poor kid would wonder round saying "wheres my mum"? With a worried look on his face, and people would whisper "she's left him again"!!!!

BertrandRussell · 06/05/2017 08:19

"The poor kid would wonder round saying "wheres my mum"? With a worried look on his face, and people would whisper "she's left him again"!!!!"

What, instead of going up to him, reassuring him and helping him enjoy the party? Hmm

For most kids, staying til 8 is utterly ridiculous.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 08:29

I agree with Bertrand. Why would you whisper and be nasty behind backs, instead of telling him it's fine, she'll be back in a bit go off and play?

Mumzypopz · 06/05/2017 08:31

Of course people would go up to him and check on him, the wouldn't just leave him.....But they would still be shocked he was just left. She did it at every party, even when mums told her he had been upset she wasn't there.

froyotogo · 06/05/2017 08:31

Staying until age 8?? Umbrella parent or what.

Seriously apart from the huge number of children. If u ask parents to stay they will bring siblings so expect higher numbers.

On the alcohol bar thing. I would NOT serve alcoholic drinks. People put them down and leave them. Worse case would be if a child left in your care is searching for a drink and doesn't know or even be bothered to ask will just pick up the first thing they see.

Mumzypopz · 06/05/2017 08:33

When you see an upset child, the first thing people do is say wheres the mum! When they realised she wasn't the you would hear people whisper oh it's so and so, she leaves him......Then they would see to him.....But a stranger mum is never as good as your own is it.

Mumzypopz · 06/05/2017 08:35

Froyotoyo..... Everyone stays at that age round here....Not just me!!!! It's an opportunity to chat....Seems rude to leave party mum looking after all the kids anyway.

ifeelcraptonight · 06/05/2017 08:39

I would hate it if parents had stayed with their kids when they were 8. I hate socialising with people I don't know like school mums and it would have put my anxiety sky high to have them hanging round chatting.

Kids at 8 should be perfectly capable of staying on their own, SN aside.

Mumzypopz · 06/05/2017 08:42

Bertrand....For most kids staying till eight is utterly ridiculous........

Buts that's just your perception from what you are used to round you....In our area most kids parents would be there.....They wouldn't hover, they'd be sitting on tables, chatting, having coffee. A lot of mums work full time by me, so it would be the only opportunity to see the other mums.
For me, and for mums in my area, it would be utterly ridiculous to leave a four year old.

Mumzypopz · 06/05/2017 08:45

Ifeelcrap......It's a vicious circle though isn't it, if you don't socialise just a little bit, they won't know you very well and might be thinking...who is this woman i am leaving my child with....Will they be safe etc..Will they be looked after. I'm sure mums thought that of me in the early days when they didn't know me. I didn't do school drop off so only saw them when they turned up at parties.