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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and Dad divorcing - drama around a party.

131 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 04/05/2017 09:09

backstory

I posted a few weeks ago about my Dad finding out about my Mums 3rd affair (he believed it too be her second until she corrected him) In their argument after my Mum informed him that this was her 3rd affair my Dad told her he never realised he had married somebody so cheap and easy. My mum made herself out too be the victim and wanted me and my siblings too cease contact due to him disrespecting her (Yeah, ironic)
We all told her too bugger off, she hasn't demanded anymore we cut contact but my Dad is the one who shall not be named around her especially now my Dad is currently starting divorce proceedings which I honestly think my Mum thought he would never do, and she is now feeling "betrayed" by this.

So my problem. I am planning my child's first birthday party. It's not for a weeks yet but was playing ideas. Me and my DH was thinking party in the back garden, our families and friends with their children - nothing big.

My mum has refused too attend if my Dad will be there, yet my Dad has no problem being there even if my Mum attends. My dad has said he won't attend if it will make matters easier. Obviously I told him that won't be happening.

My mum's suggestions are

  1. He doesn't attend.
  2. He can attend, she doesnt.
  3. She attends "half" and he can attend the other half.

I laughed and said you can't be serious, turns out she is being 100% serious. Apparently if she was too be around him she wouldn't be able too control herself with what he said and starting divorce proceedings against her at age.

How the hell can I get this sorted, I obviously want both grandparents at my child's first party.
Any helpful hints in how too work around her demands.

AIBU in thinking she should grow the fuck up 😡

OP posts:
Sonders · 04/05/2017 09:12

Your mum is crazy. I think you'll have to live with the fact she's too much of a dick to be there, thankfully your child won't remember and it'll hopefully be sorted by their second birthday!

24HourTrainer · 04/05/2017 09:13

Your father has been through enough and shouldn't be excluded.

Tell your mother that he'll be there and she's welcome to come if she wants.

Yes, she needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. I hope she's moved out of the marital home.

DearMrDilkington · 04/05/2017 09:14

I'd just tell her not to come. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour. I'd understand if your dad wasn't comfortable being around her, as she was the one who cheated, but I can't understand your mothers logic.

Sounds very stressful.Wine

Mrsglitterfairy · 04/05/2017 09:14

The good thing is, as Sonders says, your baby is too young to really understand or remember this. I honestly would tell your mum to stay away. If she can't grow up for one day and put her grandchild first then I wouldn't want her there.

Justwondering1 · 04/05/2017 09:14

I would definitely back your Dad up on this. He is the injured party yet is behaving reasonably.

Redglitter · 04/05/2017 09:15

She needs to grow up.
Don't let her try and make you decide. Invite them both to the party. If she's not mature enough to he in your dad's company then it's her loss. Don't have your dad miss out

NewStateswoman · 04/05/2017 09:15

Please don't facilitate this. I have a friend whose parents are like this. Her son is 11 and if they are, say, each having him for part of day during the holidays for example, she has to drive home from work to do the handover as they won't be in the same room as each other for a second.

It's ridiculous.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 04/05/2017 09:15

I'm going thru similar. My parents have split due to HIS affair and she rants and raves
But .. she had an affair during their marriage and THEIR marriage started when they both had affairs and met each other

She can't see the irony. I can

AnathemaPulsifer · 04/05/2017 09:16

YANBU!

Your dad should be there for the whole thing. Your mum can come too if she behaves but if she creates a scene it'll be her last party. This is about your DC not her selfish drama. Victim my arse!!

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2017 09:16

Invite both and leave it up to them if they come.
If your mum refuses just say " sorry to hear that, let me know if you change your mind" and leave it at that

CMamaof4 · 04/05/2017 09:17

Just tell her its her decision whether she comes or not, But that your father is going.
She sounds like a nightmare,
Good luckFlowers

AnathemaPulsifer · 04/05/2017 09:18

I would say to her it's best to stay away if she can't control herself because she'll only get the chance to ruin one party.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/05/2017 09:18

No need to have both grandparents there. If she wants to come she can.

If she does not then I can do something separate with her if you want. Or not

TiredMumToTwo · 04/05/2017 09:18

Just be fair, straight down the line - no favourites. They are both invited & can choose whether to come, end of. If your Mum feels she can't be there because of your Dad then that's her choice to stay away, hopefully it'll be a lesson to her & she'll have grown up by next year!

KC225 · 04/05/2017 09:19

It's a first birthday party, so not a biggie on the event calendar but it has come round at an awkward time.

I would invite your Dad and tell your mum she is making choice not to be there. Be sure to mention this is your child's birthday and the focus will be on your child not a platform for their problems. Say come of you want to, don't if want to and refuse to discuss it further.

Enjoy OP

RockyBird · 04/05/2017 09:19

Invite them both with and insist to your dad that he attends the whole day.

Your mother can decide herself what she does but cannot say you didn't invite her.

If she wants to be a big baby that is up to her.

EdmundCleverClogs · 04/05/2017 09:20

Agree with Hoppinggreen. Invite both, no 'half and half' nonsense! If your mum doesn't come, it doesn't affect anyone but her really does it -everyone else will have a nice time.

Can I ask, has she always been like this? Played situations where she's the victim, despite obvious causing most of the situation herself? Or is is recent behaviour?

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2017 09:21

Tell her your dad is coming, it's her call whether she attends or not, but you will not prevent either her or him attending and you will not take sides and get involved like this. Do not get embroiled, put the ball back in her court and let her decide.

Bambambini · 04/05/2017 09:22

I get the feeling she might kick off and make the party all about her whether your dad goes or not. She could ruin your day as she sounds out of control generally. Do you think she would be able to behave?

GlitterRollerSkate · 04/05/2017 09:22

Invite them both and tell you mum "if you cannot put your feeling aside for the sake of one day for your grandchild, then that is up to you" and then leave the ball in her court. She is being totally unreasonable and should suck it up for your child.

MrsJamesMathews · 04/05/2017 09:23

It's not your problem OP. We have this same situation in our family. The two exs both get invited to everything. The one ex who has decided they can't abide to be in the same room as the other chooses to miss out on everything. Big birthdays, children's parties, Christmas, Easter. Everything. No one is going to make allowances for this person's childish behaviour so they miss out. It's very sad but no one's fault but their own.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 04/05/2017 09:24

Your mum should realise the party is about her grandchild and not her.

WickedLazy · 04/05/2017 09:25

I agree your dad should defo go, tell her that he's going, and if she doesn't come in the end, that's her decision (will say a lot though, if she doesn't). If she can't put on her big girl pants for a few hours for her grandchilds first birthday party, that's her problem.

She sounds very selfish. She's furious the husband she cheated on called her, at worst from what you say, cheap and easy. What a bastard Hmm Poor her.

titchy · 04/05/2017 09:25

How can you get it sorted? You invite both of them, and leave it up to them if they come or not. You can't make people behave the way you want unfortunately, just make sure YOU treat them as adults. If they respond in kind great.

Eeeeek2 · 04/05/2017 09:28

Tell her that she is being unreasonable and all the grandparents are invited and she can choose what she does. BUT if there is and trouble at the party then heads will roll!