Mum and Dad divorcing - drama around a party.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

backstory

I posted a few weeks ago about my Dad finding out about my Mums 3rd affair (he believed it too be her second until she corrected him) In their argument after my Mum informed him that this was her 3rd affair my Dad told her he never realised he had married somebody so cheap and easy. My mum made herself out too be the victim and wanted me and my siblings too cease contact due to him disrespecting her (Yeah, ironic)
We all told her too bugger off, she hasn't demanded anymore we cut contact but my Dad is the one who shall not be named around her especially now my Dad is currently starting divorce proceedings which I honestly think my Mum thought he would never do, and she is now feeling "betrayed" by this.

So my problem. I am planning my child's first birthday party. It's not for a weeks yet but was playing ideas. Me and my DH was thinking party in the back garden, our families and friends with their children - nothing big.

My mum has refused too attend if my Dad will be there, yet my Dad has no problem being there even if my Mum attends. My dad has said he won't attend if it will make matters easier. Obviously I told him that won't be happening.

My mum's suggestions are

1. He doesn't attend.
2. He can attend, she doesnt.
3. She attends "half" and he can attend the other half.

I laughed and said you can't be serious, turns out she is being 100% serious. Apparently if she was too be around him she wouldn't be able too control herself with what he said and starting divorce proceedings against her at age.

How the hell can I get this sorted, I obviously want both grandparents at my child's first party.
Any helpful hints in how too work around her demands.

AIBU in thinking she should grow the fuck up 😡

Well done Panda!

You need to stand your ground with her. But be prepared that she may well be too (unnecessarily) bitter and pathetic to back down.

If she is then at least you will have family around who genuinely care.

Well done OP your mum is epitomising "drama llama" here.

Your poor dad.

Your text is perfect, I'm gutted for you that you've been put in this horrible position.

I think your mums first reply says it all sadly...good luck OP!

You did the right thing!

My parents divorced when I was an adult. In efforts to eliminate any chance of conflict I didn't do anything that would involve them both until my wedding 12 years later! Everything was fine on the wedding day but on reflection I just delayed the inevitable. Your parents are adults, it's up to them to manage any difficult feelings for the sake of others around them.

Enjoy the party x

Well done, the balls in her court now and if she wants to miss out by not attending then that's her problem. Don't let yourself be used as a pawn in your parents divorce.

Perfect text. Hope it is a lovely party (despite this rubbish)

This is the time you need to nip her behaviour in the bud. She will need to deal with how to be in the same room or she misses out. The rest of the family will thank you for setting out the rules from day one so I'm sure they will support your stance.

My in laws were divorced (and remarried) and my wedding was the first big event afterwards. We very clearly invited all parties and new partners and immediately dismissed any slight comment as rubbish and a get over it attitude. There were tense moments over the day but the mil kept her neck wound in

Well done for sending those texts. Absolutely the right decision. She needs to grow up!

Well done OP. Be strong!

Don't let her bully you. Your dad has done nothing wrong.

You're very restrained and graceful. I'd chin her if she was my mum.

It is hard because for twenty odd years I've pandered too her, aswell as my siblings and my father, just for the sake of an easy life.

But on this one I'm not prepared too back down. She can throw as many tantrums, try to put me on guilt trips and cry as much as she wants. She fucked up , nobody else so she does not get too call the shots on this one.

"It is hard because for twenty odd years I've pandered too her, aswell as my siblings and my father, just for the sake of an easy life."
And it gave none of you an easy life . I think you are doing the right thing, making a stand now, whilst your child is too young to notice.

Good for you OP!

Hope the party goes as smoothly as possible.

You might find that this is an enormous turning point for you and that you simply stop enabling her.

I have been in similar situation. Invited both, only Dad came. After a couple of years no change. I asked Dad would he mind sitting one out so she could come, she came it wasn't pleasant. Back to inviting both. She eventually got over herself and then would just pop in for short time to deliver presents before making an excuse to leave. Not perfect but ....

But it's not been an easy life has it OP?

I certainly don't think your father thinks that his strategy of continued appeasement has paid dividends right now.

Walking on eggshells all the time is painful - even if you've become acclimated to it.

You need to set the boundaries now and I fully agree with a PP who said that what you do now will set the precedent for every family event going forward.

Set the expectation that you will invite both your parents to family events and if she won't attend and also be civil to your father then that's up to her.

Well done panda from me, the voice of very bitter experience. Years and years it went on for

Well that says it all doesnt it?

Not happy about the party, not happy to see you and her grandchild, her first thought was about herself. Her reaction shows that whatever else is happening, she is determined to make it all about her.

Well done!

This is a good time of life to change the dynamic, you know. Very hard, but you have a 'reason' - you are now a Mum yourself with your own family. It's the perfect point to reinvent yourself in that way - stop taking the shit - stop being so available - step out of the box they've put you in and act out of character.

I'm sure you'll get some guilt tripping but at this point all you need to do is stand firm, and if it comes to it simply say - My child comes first here, and my own family. This is going to be the first of many many family gatherings WE organise and let me tell you now that I would far rather see you not come than have to compromise MY CHILD'S birthday/Christmas/school play to accomodate you. Get used to it.

She needs to grow up, tell her your dad is attending full stop and she can either let her Daughter and Granddaughter down or go.

Any word back from her OP?

She should be extremely grateful any family members are giving her time of day right now.

Would you all have a nicer time without her there?

My ex left me for a neighbour after conducting an 18 month affair with her. She posed as a friend to me in order to be able to get her claws into him - not that i'm saying it was all her doing, it wasn't - but i understand people who can't bear to be in the same room as a cheating ex-partner. Even after five years, i still want to batter mine, so it's just best if we don't meet. I wouldn't invite your mother if i were you - it sounds as if she might use the occasion to make a scene and embarass your father. She obviously resents him for starting divorce proceedings. Sometimes people's feelings get the better of them, especially when alcohol is involved. It isn't that she'd the guilty one, it's more that she obviously has more trouble keeping her emotions under wraps than your father.

Your mum is being a massive fucking knob. Tell her that they are both invited, and that she is welcome to come as long as she can promise to be civil with your father. If not, she can jog on.

Well done - your text is perfect and leaves the ball entirely in your mum's court. If she doesn't come don't get worked up about it - this sort of thing may happen a lot in the future so don't let her spoil your day.

You have your own family now and you and your family are your priorities. It's time your mum learnt to fit in. Be as transparent as you can (to reduce the chance of her being scheming) and enjoy the day with or without her. I remember spending ages cutting up grapes into tiny pieces for dd on her first birthday. She just turned 18 and doesnt remember her party but I do.

To is spelt To, not too.