Mum and Dad divorcing - drama around a party.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

backstory

I posted a few weeks ago about my Dad finding out about my Mums 3rd affair (he believed it too be her second until she corrected him) In their argument after my Mum informed him that this was her 3rd affair my Dad told her he never realised he had married somebody so cheap and easy. My mum made herself out too be the victim and wanted me and my siblings too cease contact due to him disrespecting her (Yeah, ironic)
We all told her too bugger off, she hasn't demanded anymore we cut contact but my Dad is the one who shall not be named around her especially now my Dad is currently starting divorce proceedings which I honestly think my Mum thought he would never do, and she is now feeling "betrayed" by this.

So my problem. I am planning my child's first birthday party. It's not for a weeks yet but was playing ideas. Me and my DH was thinking party in the back garden, our families and friends with their children - nothing big.

My mum has refused too attend if my Dad will be there, yet my Dad has no problem being there even if my Mum attends. My dad has said he won't attend if it will make matters easier. Obviously I told him that won't be happening.

My mum's suggestions are

1. He doesn't attend.
2. He can attend, she doesnt.
3. She attends "half" and he can attend the other half.

I laughed and said you can't be serious, turns out she is being 100% serious. Apparently if she was too be around him she wouldn't be able too control herself with what he said and starting divorce proceedings against her at age.

How the hell can I get this sorted, I obviously want both grandparents at my child's first party.
Any helpful hints in how too work around her demands.

AIBU in thinking she should grow the fuck up 😡

Tell your dad to attend all day. If she is not coming that's her problem. She wants people to pander to her. I remember your other thread.

I remember you OP

I'm sorry but your mum is an a-hole. Don't participate in her bullshit. Make sure your dad feels welcome to the whole party.

Tell your mum that of course your dad will be there, and she is also welcome to attend but any peep of crap from her and she must leave. Don't let her dictate any terms. She sounds shocking. Your poor dad. All my loyalty would be with him at this point.

Honestly it will be your Mums loss not your child who won't even remember the day.
Give in now to her demands and you will face the same ultimatums at every family event.
Hopefully by potentially missing her Grand daughters birthday she will realise her unreasonableness.
Every adult needs to learn to live with the consequences of their actions, sounds like your mum never has.

I remember your other thread. Definitely invite your dad. Tell your mother he will be coming and she is welcome to join the party as long as she can behave in a dignified manner. Your dad has been second best for far too long wrt his wife and seems like a really nice man. Not so much your mother, who has behaved abhorrently.

Please Panda tell your mother to get the fuck over herself and take a loooooong hard look in the mirror.

She had no fucking right to dictate how anyone treats her after the way she has treated everyone else.

Invite them both, she comes or doesn't come it really doesn't matter to you, everyone else is grown up.

But... make bloody sure she knows that you won't allow her to ruin your party and if there is the merest hint that she is going to, make sure to tell her that she won't be welcome

Your mother has had people enable her shocking behaviour her whole life and its ruined the lives of everyone around her, one way or another

I remember you too op

Invite them both but tbh I think if your mum refuses then it would be a good thing. She's extremely entitled and you and your dad don't need the shit that she will inevitably bring.

She'll have to reap what she's sewn.

My MIL is the same towards FIL, won't mention his name or be in same room as him. She even debated going to her daughters wedding as he'd be there 🤔

In the past we've invited both and told her FIL would be there, so of course she wouldn't come. Last year DH felt sorry for her so we had a party and invited her, and not him. Well he turned up anyway (BIL had told him to come) so she left.

We've just had to accept she's not going to change so it's her that's missing out and only herself to blame. Sorry you're in this position though it's horrible 😣

You cant have them both there, you cant force people to behave the way you want them to. There is no easy answer.
Invite your Dad and tell your Mum she cant come as she is going to put making a scene about herself over her grandchild. Tell her to get some counselling and sort herself out. If you dont put some boundaries in place she is going ttry to involve you all the way through the divorce and out the other side.

I agree with everyone else. Invite both, tell Dad to stay all day regardless and tell your mother that she can come or not, but that if she doesn't think she can control herself then it would be best for her to stay away.

If she does come I think I'd charge someone with keeping an eye on her, tbh. Wouldn't trust that she'd behave, but wouldn't want to spend all day worrying that she was about to kick off.

I would uninvite your mum. Any other options plays into her mental image of herself as the injured party. She cheated and then was cruel enough to point out she'd done it more times than your dad suspected / knew of.

I've been through this with the in-laws. Have a good think about what you are going to do because this issue will be coming again and again in the next few years.

We ended up inviting them in turns to things! Worked for us. But MIL didn't attend her son's (my DH) wedding as FIL would be there. Her loss.

Yes, Pig has a good point. Whatever you do now will set a precedence forever!

I agree with everyone else, invite both, it's their choice to accept or decline and it's their grandchilds 1st birthday party so best behaviour is expected.
Use the "invitation, not a summons" on your mum, she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. You're not forcing her to go, you'll enjoy it with or without her! (She's clearly not thought of that!)

Invite both and accept your Mum won't be there. It really doesn't matter. It's 'only' a first birthday party. They are fun but not super important IYSWIM. I'd also try and refuse to ever get into discussions about this type of arrangement with your Mum. You need to tell her what you are doing and try not to let her give her opinion to you. If you can.

You really, really, don't need both grandparents at a first birthday party.

My dad wasn't at DS1's first birthday party (my mum was the only attending grandparent), and we didn't have a party at all for DS2 therefore don't worry!

Your mother is 100% in the wrong here though. Stick to your guns re: including your dad.

You can't get it sorted, it's up to your parents. Take the power away from her, have the party you want and invite who you want. If she declines then just accept that.

Invite both, ask your Dad to saty all day and leave it up to your Mother if she attends.

Ify you give in to her you will set the pattern for years to come.

I'm afraid anyone who tries and gives me that kind of ultimatum, will never win through...

I don't understand why you'd even consider inviting your mother in the first place. She's behaved despicably. If one of my parents had an affair, let alone three, I wouldn't have anything more to do with them. Your dad is the injured party here, so he's the only maternal grandparent who should be on the guest list.

My parents had the same issue with my dad parents. It went to the point that neither of them attended their son (my dad) wedding....

So yes I can believe that this will be an issue that you will have to face quite a lot.

I think that invitting one or the other basically puts you in the position of choosing sides. You might be happy with that (or not).
I know my parents took the approach of never ever having them attending anything together. Which basically meant neither of them ever came to a b'day party etc... for myself and siblings or just nice family gatherings.
The other way is leave it to them, invite them both and let them decide wo any of your involvement. You dad might decide to come and your mum not. Or your mum might suddenly grow up (there is always hope)

Invite them both, tell your mother it's entirely up to her if she wants to miss her grandchild's first birthday party because she's having a tantrum over her cuckolded husband divorcing her for having affairs, but you're not going to be dictated to concerning you inviting your father.

You might think you want them both there, but you don't, not really. What you really want is 2 adult parents, who care more about you and your child than their own petty agenda - and you ain't going to get that because your mum is not that person. She has shown that to be the case and she isn't going to change now.

So - do you really want a drama queen who is so self-centred that she is likely to kick off at the party there? I wouldn't. But I wouldn't refuse to invite her either - so invite but refuse to accommodate her ridiculous and selfish demands. Then if she doesn't turn up, you should have a nice calm party with no Dramaz.

Invite them both but warn your mother that this day isn't about her, it's her gc's birthday and you expect her to behave with dignity and respect. If she doesn't trust herself to do that then it's best she stays away.
But you will be inviting your father, no matter what she decides to do. However, if she does come and she behaves in any way other than a loving grandmother should, she will be asked to leave.!

Both invited but mum gets told that if she kicks off / makes it about herself / makes your dad (or anyone else) uncomfortable she'll be told to leave. She's got a damn nerve!