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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum and Dad divorcing - drama around a party.

131 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 04/05/2017 09:09

backstory

I posted a few weeks ago about my Dad finding out about my Mums 3rd affair (he believed it too be her second until she corrected him) In their argument after my Mum informed him that this was her 3rd affair my Dad told her he never realised he had married somebody so cheap and easy. My mum made herself out too be the victim and wanted me and my siblings too cease contact due to him disrespecting her (Yeah, ironic)
We all told her too bugger off, she hasn't demanded anymore we cut contact but my Dad is the one who shall not be named around her especially now my Dad is currently starting divorce proceedings which I honestly think my Mum thought he would never do, and she is now feeling "betrayed" by this.

So my problem. I am planning my child's first birthday party. It's not for a weeks yet but was playing ideas. Me and my DH was thinking party in the back garden, our families and friends with their children - nothing big.

My mum has refused too attend if my Dad will be there, yet my Dad has no problem being there even if my Mum attends. My dad has said he won't attend if it will make matters easier. Obviously I told him that won't be happening.

My mum's suggestions are

  1. He doesn't attend.
  2. He can attend, she doesnt.
  3. She attends "half" and he can attend the other half.

I laughed and said you can't be serious, turns out she is being 100% serious. Apparently if she was too be around him she wouldn't be able too control herself with what he said and starting divorce proceedings against her at age.

How the hell can I get this sorted, I obviously want both grandparents at my child's first party.
Any helpful hints in how too work around her demands.

AIBU in thinking she should grow the fuck up 😡

OP posts:
cherish123 · 05/05/2017 19:08

Should be option 2 but maybe option 3 might keep peace.

Peanutandphoenix · 05/05/2017 19:22

Your mum is completely unreasonable and totally off her cake if she for one minute thinks she's the victim in all this is she like hell I feel sorry for your poor dad. Tell your dad that he can come to the whole of the party and the crazy one can either come and keep her gob shut or she can stay at home the choice is hers. Also for her next birthday get her some miracle grow and tell her to grow the fuck up.

clarabellb · 05/05/2017 19:52

Glad you said it deidre21

cheapskatemum · 05/05/2017 19:55

My friend had a similar problem and learnt there was no point trying to accommodate her DM's unreasonable requests because it then set a precedent. This is your DC's 1st birthday, they will have a birthday every year. You may have more DCs in future, they will have annual birthdays. State the obvious to your DM: she and your Ddad are functioning adults. Invite both. What they each do is entirely up to them. Please do not allow your "D"M to dictate procedure.

ohfourfoxache · 05/05/2017 19:58

Yeah, cos SpAG is the salient point of the thread Hmm

incywincybitofa · 05/05/2017 20:40

I would accept her Option B
She isn't uninvited but he is coming-arriving when he wants and staying as long as he wants.
I suspect Option C would go tits up and Option A, erm why does either have to be excluded

Staypuff · 05/05/2017 20:46

You did the right thing op. A good mum wouldn't make you choose.

Lovelymess · 05/05/2017 20:46

SHE needs to suck it up. She's caused the mess. If she doesn't want to come tell her she can come another day

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 05/05/2017 21:03

reow no, nothing Sad
She's probably expecting me to send a text first, won't be happening.

deidre & clara
Thankyou, for your well thought out input. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
38cody · 05/05/2017 21:18

Yes - def invite both and leave it at that.
to not too

GoodDayToYou · 05/05/2017 21:32

I feel for your dad and agree with pps that he's been through enough. If your mum ends up coming and starts anything with him, I hope it will be her being asked to leave.

ohfourfoxache · 05/05/2017 22:35

Stay strong Panda.

Remember, this is the turning point

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/05/2017 23:37

Well done Panda.
She is definitely waiting for you to contact her to find out if she's coming, or to apologise and grovel, or to tell her "ok then, Dad won't come, we want you to be there".

As has been said, this is your turning point - so stay strong, don't back down, and don't contact her.

But resign yourself to her either not coming at all, or coming and creating a Scene. And tell your Dad what you've done, if you haven't already - but tell him he's not allowed to back out to enable her, he has to come and she has to learn to deal with it like an adult.

Thanks for you - you've done really well so far!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/05/2017 23:53

I love the text you sent. So perfect.

also love your response to the grammar police

75daisies · 05/05/2017 23:54

Wow Panda. What a tough gig. I hope that she thinks about her behaviour and realises what a tool she's being and wises up. But more importantly, I hope that you and your little one have a fabtastic first birthday party. FlowersCake

mrsc1985 · 05/05/2017 23:54

Tell your mum to grow the fuck up!

Freomom · 06/05/2017 01:27

Spot on! Suck it up grandma or don't come. It's not about your ego it's about your grandchild. If you can't deal with it, I respect your decision. It's unreasonable and manipulative of your mom.

Writermom22 · 06/05/2017 08:23

I would tell mother to come the day before, and dad to come on the party day as mother is the unreasonable one.

sashadasher · 06/05/2017 09:12

She wants you to take sides,don't play the game.As a lot of posts have said it's about time she grew up but I doubt she ever will.Please don't let her manipulate your dc 1st party,your father who has rightly so started the divorce is being mature if she can't well call her bluff...You're welcome to attend if you behave and be a shame if you missed out but up to you,love you ...bye mum..type of thing.If you pander to her now then ever single situation in future will be a minefield

LemurintheSun · 06/05/2017 10:51

So your mum is feeling lousy & doesn't want to be around your dad right now. Clearly his attendance is the priority, & there's no reason to prevent or curtail that. But couldn't you invite her round for a cup of tea later or earlier? Then she could see your DD on the big day, give a present etc. Maybe help you prepare or tidy up, and feel like she's still a useful part of the family? So she's behaved badly, but she could still probably do with a bit of kindness.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 06/05/2017 10:58

Great outcome so far. Well done you. What a horrible position to be in.

She will literally not know what to do. She will want you to have rushed about making the decision which she can then kick off about
"Oh dear I have to leave before he cuts his cake"
"Oh dear I'm not invited"
"Oh KungFu has invited me not her dad!"

Everyone's invited. Nice and breezy. Perfect.

clarabellb · 06/05/2017 13:09

YOU'RE welcome Grin

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/05/2017 13:47

Didn't spell you're wrong Grin

OP posts:
BuildERm0m · 06/05/2017 13:59

My dad had an affair and they divorced. It's alright now (15 years on) but weddings etc were tricky to handle in the first few years as mum was prone to getting upset (understandibly). For me mum always took precedent when it came to family gatherings as he was the one who caused the problem. My dad did get this thankfully. So in this case, invite both and if your mum won't come then so be it. It should all calm down after a while hopefully but I think it's unrealistic to expect all to get on at family gatherings initially.

eulmh · 06/05/2017 14:06

Yes she should!!! In all honesty I'd say this is the time it's happening come if you want to. It'll be her missing out nobody else!