Mum and Dad divorcing - drama around a party.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

backstory

I posted a few weeks ago about my Dad finding out about my Mums 3rd affair (he believed it too be her second until she corrected him) In their argument after my Mum informed him that this was her 3rd affair my Dad told her he never realised he had married somebody so cheap and easy. My mum made herself out too be the victim and wanted me and my siblings too cease contact due to him disrespecting her (Yeah, ironic)
We all told her too bugger off, she hasn't demanded anymore we cut contact but my Dad is the one who shall not be named around her especially now my Dad is currently starting divorce proceedings which I honestly think my Mum thought he would never do, and she is now feeling "betrayed" by this.

So my problem. I am planning my child's first birthday party. It's not for a weeks yet but was playing ideas. Me and my DH was thinking party in the back garden, our families and friends with their children - nothing big.

My mum has refused too attend if my Dad will be there, yet my Dad has no problem being there even if my Mum attends. My dad has said he won't attend if it will make matters easier. Obviously I told him that won't be happening.

My mum's suggestions are

1. He doesn't attend.
2. He can attend, she doesnt.
3. She attends "half" and he can attend the other half.

I laughed and said you can't be serious, turns out she is being 100% serious. Apparently if she was too be around him she wouldn't be able too control herself with what he said and starting divorce proceedings against her at age.

How the hell can I get this sorted, I obviously want both grandparents at my child's first party.
Any helpful hints in how too work around her demands.

AIBU in thinking she should grow the fuck up 😡

Sadly, this will go on for years - and I'm speaking from very bitter experience.
Set the tone for you want to happen now. Your DM has to realise that she can either behave like an adult around your dad or be the one to miss out. It really is that simple.
Do not give in to her manipulation.

Invite her. Make it clear your dad will be there and you will not tolerate any bad behaviour for even one second. The first sign of it kicking off and she will be asked to leave.
If you give in to her demands now you are making a huge rod for your own back.

Yanbu
It would be lovely and ideal for both grandparents to be there and be well behaved for your child.
But in this case it's clearly not going to happen. I'm so sorry for what you've been through x
In your position, I would invite my my dad only.
It's better that one of them attends and it's a happy event than both attend and it's a disaster.
Whatever happens after, happens

Let DM dictate how family occasions are run once and you'll be setting a precedent. Don't let her affect your plans. Your DF will come whether your DM attends or not. Given that he's very much the injured party here, that's very grown up and graceful of him. If she won't come if your DF does, that's her decision. Righto: stay home.

Personally, I wouldn't be as impartial as you are being. I would've taken sides. If my DM had cheated repeatedly on my DF I don't think I'd be speaking to her anytime soon, let alone asking her to parties. Wouldn't do her any harm to know that she's in disgrace.

I remember your previous thread OP. Unfortunately from what you said then and what you've put here I suspect that if you invited both on an equal footing and left them to sort it out between them, your dad would decide not to come in order to let your mum be there. Which doesn't feel right after everything that's gone on.

I know it's easy for me to be a keyboard warrior when it's not my parents, but I'd definitely invite dad and leave mum out of it. Things are still too raw, she's controlled your father with her affairs and you by making you keep her secret in the past. She isn't the victim here whatever she likes to think, so don't feel you have to let her have her own way.

To the PP saying I don't need the two grandparents there, thumb has hit the nail on the head in all honesty.

If anybody has the "right" too have a tantrum it should be my dad. My mum just likes to feel in control, and obviously she's not because my Dad has started the divorce proceedings. Reason why she is trying too dictate this party.

And I think it's dawned on me that this could be the situation when it comes too everything - Christmas/birthdays/parties and that is a daunting thought.

You're all right in everything you say. I'm going to be a wimp and do it via text so I don't get interrupted or guilt tripped or crying. That way its all on her.

The only silver lining is that you can be firm about behaving impartially and deal with the fallout now, whilst your DC is too young to notice.

Tell your DM that you will be inviting them both, since their divorce is irrelevant to your DC's relationship with their grandparents. Firmly resist any silliness on your DM's part by saying 'I'm not taking sides and don't want to discuss this any further'

Good Decision Panda!

Your Mum needs to grow the fuck up, and face the consequences of her actions.

How about....

We have thought about your request to exclude DF from the birthday party, but we are not going to do that as we would like both of you to be there. We hope you will join us but will understand if you find it too difficult at the moment. I am sure you appreciate the purpose of the party is to celebrate DC's birthday and that we will not tolerate any arguments or unpleasantness on the day.

YANBU invite both of them together and if she threatens not to come just tell her that is her choice.

Hmm... someone is a little too used to getting her own way isnt she?

Stand firm, very firm, on this as otherwise she will continue with this crap for ever. Make it clear that on occasions where you would normally invite both of them then they will both be invited and whether she chooses to attend or not will be HER choice. She will try and turn it around as you excluding her in favour of your dad but do not accept that. Call her on it every single time.

Your Mum needs to grow the fuck up, and face the consequences of her actions.

However........you could just tell her that! Probably wont end well but it would be quite satisfying!

Sympathies Panda my mum was very similar and horrible to my dad after she had an affair and broke the marriage up. She was extremely angry that he remarried before she did and basically tried to re-write history and make it all my Dads fault. We all ignored it as the bs it was and just minimised contact for a while. Eventually she started behaving better and can now behave adequately when they are in the same room for essentials (weddings, christenings, funerals) but we just do 2 of everything otherwise, or avoid holding parties at all. She has always been very self-centred. Her loss really. My DCs aren't big fans (in fact they were messing about so much on the way to holiday last year I threatened to drop them off to stay at nana's, they were perfect for the rest of the day ) Hope your party turns out ok

I have always invited both parents to big family things and told them that I'm not playing favourites and they can choose to attend or not. If either of them caused issues they would not get an invite next time. I've had no issues at all.

For the record my dad had an affair but he admitted his mistake. He didn't make excuses or blame anyone else and he knows he was an ass about how he ended things. Doesn't mean I like it but I respect that he owned it and didn't try to make anyone take sides. My mum didn't either. She never slagged him off despite having good reason. They don't like being in the same place but they do it on occasion for us kids because we are their kids.

You shouldn't have to choose so don't make her force you to do so. In this situation if I was to take a side it would be the dads as it seems your mum is refusing to acknowledge any wrongdoing. That would annoy me tbh. If you fuck up you need to own it and take responsibility.

My parents have been divorced for 20 years and still do this kind of shit, so I sympathize.

Stand your ground with her. You're absolutely right; it sets a precedent.

Hopping green said it well.

I remember your thread, your mum is a cow.

She can't control your dad anymore so she is trying to control you.

Just tell her it's her decision if she turns up or not. But you can't dis-invite your dad because she will feel awkward.

Cheating arse brought it all on herself.

Be careful what you wish for! My parents are at war and both turn up to everything. They never say a word to each other, but fuck me it is awkward.

Your mum sounds awful.

You're absolutely right - it's all about control. She's done exactly what she wanted with no thought for anyone else getting hurt, and she'll clearly continue to do that until someone puts their foot down.

Set the tone NOW and nip this in the bud, or you'll have this nonsense to deal with and colouring your children and family's celebrations for years to come. Look on the bright side - this year, your child is too small to know about it if she kicks off.

Be firm now and she knows what to expect. Text and tell her that no way - not now, not ever - will you give in to demands which put your family second. It's your child's party, you will invite family equally, if she doesn't like it and doesn't play nicely, she will be the one missing out. And that's the way it's going to be FULL STOP.

Good luck! I reckon she will sulk and guilt trip for this one, see you won't be moved and come around in a few parties' time.

You need to set your line in the sand over this very firmly.

DH's Grandparents were a bit like this. MIL, and then us, handled it by saying "We love you, you are invited, if you choose not to come then that is your choice" to both of them. They both used to blether about "not being able to control themselves" but they always did because they knew if they kicked off they'd be the one asked to leave and they'd be the one missing out.

I'm of the opinion that the one who has the problem can chose not to attend. Invite both, inform both that the other is coming and that if they attend they are to be polite and shut up and put up. They can then chose to not attend. Your mum sounds like a knob.

At the moment she will try any trick she can to try and make you back down. When you dont she will attempt to punish you by not going, so dont react to that either "Oh yes X had a lovely day, its a pity you didnt come (make that point) you would have enjoyed it" Hopefully eventually the penny will drop that she is missing out the most and that life is going on without her.

Just call her one her shit every single time and it will soon not be worth the effort to her.

good work panda hope it pans out well!

The party is about your child, no one else.

He will be there, he has done nothing wrong. If she cannot be an adult then she will have to give it a miss.

If she cannot overcome her own stubbornness then it speaks volumes about the relationship she has with you OP.

Hope you manage to work it all out x

My dad was like this. Cheated on my mum multiple times (and then hit her when she confronted him about it). Played the poor victim at every opportunity from then on. Including telling packs of lies to cover his tracks.

So whilst I do think "invite them both, let them choose if they come, hope it'll settle down over time", I do also think you might have to prepare yourself for the possibility it won't settle down in time.

IME, some people have no insight into themselves, no ability to take responsibility for there own actions, no capacity to say "my bad" or "this is on me".

It looks like it's pretty likely that your dad will be reasonable, and he is the injured party, so if push comes to shove, prioritise your relationship with him (e.g. ask your mum to leave if she comes to the party and kicks off, or uninvited her if she has been spreading false rumours about your dad beforehand).

How utterly exhausting to have such a drama queen for a mother. Hope it works out OP.

Quick drop by. Sent a text!

Me : hey mother, Xs party will be on X date at 1pm at our house.

Mum : will he be there

Me : who be there?

Mum : your dad

Me : Yes. Yes he will be attending the party. You both our invited. I won't be excluding anybody from what is meant too be a special occasion. Hopefully you can make it.

And no response. Left it totally in her court now. I hope she makes the right decision because if she doesn't attend I won't be able too forgive her for it.