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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about my current living situation?

149 replies

Leontine · 04/05/2017 01:46

This might be long as I'm trying not to drip feed - sorry!

Back story: I previously lived in a rental, but moved back 'home' with my mother due to ill health. My health has much improved over the past 18 months and I was going to move out into another rented place, but my Dad stepped in and said I could move in with him instead of 'throwing money away' and save up for a deposit on a house of my own, of which he would give me a large chunk of.
This was only ever meant to be temporary.
I'm still here over a year later. I sleep in a single bed in a 2m x 2m room. Although I don't pay rent in the traditional sense, I pay £300 a month in groceries, do all the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (it's not just regular housework either, the house is always filthy - like seriously I've never come across anything like it in my life), and I do almost all of the dog care apart from walks - which I refuse to do. (I have two cats that my munis very kindly taking care of as I can't bring them here due to the dog's high prey drive).

The buying a house thing is going nowhere and comes with some big conditions. My Dad wants his, and only his name on the mortgage, even though I'm the one going to be paying it. I can understand if he wanted to jointly own it with me, it's a lot of money to give someone freely, but in years to come I'll have paid more into the house than he has and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.* He also has a very small catchment area of where I'm 'allowed' to live - the town we currently live in, which I don't like at all, and some of the surrounding villages. The budget is relatively small and with the catchment area he's set coupled with my own criteria, it's proving impossible to find anywhere suitable. He's admitted that it's handy having me here to look after the dog etc. so I sometimes wonder if it deliberate?
He says he'll only get somewhere if I'm happy with it but every single property I've shown him online, he's said no to. His excuse is often "that's to far out for me". But it's not too far for me and I'm the one who is going to be living in it?!? The furthest property has been 6 miles away!

I'm currently in the process of setting up my own business, but it's moving at a snails pace as I have no real uninterrupted time to myself.

This is not the way I see my life moving forward. I'm now just thinking about cutting my losses and moving to a rented place, but I feel annoyed that I've had a carrot dangled in front of my face that seems to be moving further and further away from me.

*I'm worried that in the future he'll decide that he wants a bit of money and will want me to move back in with him and rent 'my' house out. He's got form for doing stuff like that.

OP posts:
peaceout · 04/05/2017 01:50

your Dad is very controlling and does not have your best interests at heart.
You must break free, never trust him and never allow him to be in a position where he has power over you

Ginger782 · 04/05/2017 01:52

Bail out of the arrangement now.
If someone ever wants to give you a sum of money, it shouldn't have those conditions on it. "Never give away more than you can afford to lose".
How old are you? Have you looked into a share house to rent and help you save?

Hisnamesblaine · 04/05/2017 01:52

What age are you o.p? And are you working another job while your new business is getting off the ground?

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 02:01

I'm 26.

House shares don't really exist in the area I live. Plus I wouldn't really want to live with strangers to be honest. My friends all live with their partners.

I'm currently still on ESA.

I don't think my Dad is doing this to be controlling. He's just quite close minded and has lived in this town his entire life. He's also very preoccupied with money, despite having a lot of it.

OP posts:
KC225 · 04/05/2017 02:06

So you buy all the groceries, do all the cooking, cleaning and pet and live in 2m by 2m room with a single bed.

Read the above 50 times and then ask yourself if your Father will ever agree to a joint house buy.

SabineUndine · 04/05/2017 02:22

Your dad is getting a free housekeeper who pays for all the groceries. No wonder he wants you to stay. I would find out how much a live in housekeeper would cost him and start negotiations for a monthly payment on that basis. Tell him you want it backdated too. He's taking the piss.

notangelinajolie · 04/05/2017 02:30

I'm sorry up but he is controlling.

Bit confused - how can your dad be on your mortgage? If its your mortgage than how can he be on it? I really think you need financial advice that is not coming from your dad. When a parent gives money towards a deposit on a house they are asked to confirm that the money is a gift and not a loan. If your father wants his name on the deeds it means he wants a share. Therefore it won't be your house.

OlennasWimple · 04/05/2017 02:39

Sorry, this isn't healthy for you

Fine, if he wants to buy a property that he lets you live in for free or for a nominal rent. He gets to choose where it is and what it is. Otherwise if he is kindly giving money towards the deposit, it is a gift to you and you should spend it how you see fit, on a house that is right for you

The rest of your post suggests you are living in a form of bonded servitude. PLease read back what you have written and think about what you would say to a friend who was living in similar conditions

innagazing · 04/05/2017 02:44

And it;s my understanding that if his name is on the deeds, then the mortgage company will insist upon his name being included on the mortgage.
He sounds very controlling indeed btw

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 02:44

I think he will get a better mortgage rate than me.
To be honest other people have said to me that it won't be my house, I'll just be renting off my Dad. He is very preoccupied with money. He has said in the past that he's worried I'll become ill again and won't be able to afford the payments. Basically, he doesn't trust me to not mess things up. It's quite offensive how little faith he has in me. I love him to bits but he's very disempowering.
I agree I do need to seek financial advice.

OP posts:
DeadMorose · 04/05/2017 02:49

Leave. Try to find studio flat and live there.

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 02:54

OlennaWimple I agree, my current living situation is not acceptable. I can see that. I was just posting on AIBU as I wasn't sure if I was being ungrateful or not with regards to the deposit thing.

I should have mentioned - another family member also lives in the house as a lodger. If he moved out it would take some of the pressure off as my Dad could move back into his room (the lodger is currently in the master bedroom), I could move into the second bedroom and have my current bedroom as my office or sorts, plus I'd have a lot more time to myself. (They're both shift workers but very rarely work the same shift, so there's almost always someone else in the house).

OP posts:
Lochan · 04/05/2017 02:56

It won't be your house.

If/when he died it could be left to someone else (if you have siblings) and you'd presumably be liable to inheritance tax.

It won't be your house.

He doesn't want it to be too far out because he's planning on having a jay and coming and going as he pleases.

What if you find a partner he doesn't like - he's not going to allow you to move him in with you.

It won't be your house

If he isn't prepared to just hand you a no strings cheque that's absolutely fine, but you need to move out and look for a place to rent.

You are currently his housekeeper.
Unpaid.

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 03:00

DeadMorose There aren't many studio flats in my area and the ones that do come up tend to be ultra plush and often cost more than a regular house.

The unfortunate thing is, the market round here at the moment is going through a really dry patch and the only affordable places at the moment are absolute holes. So I'll still have to stay here for quite some time longer to get my income up to a level that I can afford something decent.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 04/05/2017 03:13

Do you really need to stay in that area?

I know "why don't you just move?" gets trotted out on MN quite glibly sometimes, but in your situation it might be worth exploring other areas with better housing stock (either to rent or buy)

Have you actually talked to any letting agents to get on their books in case something suitable comes up?

How about Gumtree listings for lodgers?

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 03:15

Lochan I'm my Dad's only child currently, but he has always been rather foolish in love and I could imagine him having another child, even though he's not far of retirement age.

Other people have said that the reason he doesn't want me to move too far is that he likes to just drop in to see people for coffee or food, and he's admitted this himself.
He's also asked if he can live with me for 6 months so that the current lodger can move in his girlfriend and he can get more money off them. That means he'll have to bring the dog with him, and I still won't be able to have my cats. I love the dog but he's not very well trained and is very demanding. My Dad is dirty. I just don't want that in my own house.
I'll just be in the same situation in a different location, in terms of housekeeping.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 03:21

OlennasWimple I don't want to say where I live as obviously I don't want to out myself, but moving out of the area to a place with a better stock of properties would mean moving really quite far away.
That's not something I've ever considered before and the thought of it makes me feel very anxious.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 04/05/2017 03:23

Fair enough, Leontine

Is moving back in with your mum (and your cats!) not an option?

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 03:26

Unfortunately not. She's done so much for me, I wouldn't expect her to do any more. It's only now I appreciate that, I'm ashamed to say.

OP posts:
LittleMissCrazyMama · 04/05/2017 03:29

You dad is definitely controlling, however you try to dress it up. And he's using you. Please change things or you will look back and want to kick yourself at your naivety (said in the kindest possible way).

Ginger782 · 04/05/2017 03:31

OP, do you have a car of your own/drive?
You say that if you moved somewhere with more properties available it would be quite far away. How far?
I commute 2hrs each way to work every day (4hrs driving) and my parents live 4.5hrs away. We regularly go see them for a weekend. The driving is easy because it's normal for us.
You become comfortable with whatever is the norm.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2017 03:37

Why don't you talk through the issues with your mum?

I would make not living with your father a priority. The carrot doesn't exist, he will lose too much.

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 03:39

Yes I drive and have my own car. I live about an hour from the nearest cities, although they're both amongst the smallest cities in the country. I live about 1h45 - 2hours from 2 larger cities.

Ideally I would like to live more rural, or in the suburbs at least.

Leaving the area would be a huge leap for me though.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/05/2017 03:44

Sweetheart, I'm going to be blunt. Your dad is awful. He does not have your best interests at heart. He has a built in slave housekeeper who is paying for the privilege. Do not enter into this frankly bonkers house buying ploy with him. He could kick you out, he can leave it to someone else. It is a scheme to get you to buy him a house. And again, being blunt, even if you do get you business going, it's going to be a while until you are "mortgage ready", so renting might be you only option. At least talk to mum, or someone else-cab?
I just think there will never be a "good time" for you to move into a bigger room, or find the right home for his restrictions anyway, he's on to too good a thing. He is preying on your good nature and anxiety. Get away sharpish. Flowers

Original poster
Leontine · 04/05/2017 03:45

Testing My parents don't have a good word to say about each other, so it's hard to get a balanced viewpoint from either one as far as the other is concerned.

That's why I've posted it on here really. I'm just lying in bed getting wound up about it and can't sleep.

OP posts:
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