AIBU about my current living situation?

[Leontine]

This might be long as I'm trying not to drip feed - sorry!

Back story: I previously lived in a rental, but moved back 'home' with my mother due to ill health. My health has much improved over the past 18 months and I was going to move out into another rented place, but my Dad stepped in and said I could move in with him instead of 'throwing money away' and save up for a deposit on a house of my own, of which he would give me a large chunk of.
This was only ever meant to be temporary.
I'm still here over a year later. I sleep in a single bed in a 2m x 2m room. Although I don't pay rent in the traditional sense, I pay £300 a month in groceries, do all the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (it's not just regular housework either, the house is always filthy - like seriously I've never come across anything like it in my life), and I do almost all of the dog care apart from walks - which I refuse to do. (I have two cats that my munis very kindly taking care of as I can't bring them here due to the dog's high prey drive).

The buying a house thing is going nowhere and comes with some big conditions. My Dad wants his, and only his name on the mortgage, even though I'm the one going to be paying it. I can understand if he wanted to jointly own it with me, it's a lot of money to give someone freely, but in years to come I'll have paid more into the house than he has and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.* He also has a very small catchment area of where I'm 'allowed' to live - the town we currently live in, which I don't like at all, and some of the surrounding villages. The budget is relatively small and with the catchment area he's set coupled with my own criteria, it's proving impossible to find anywhere suitable. He's admitted that it's handy having me here to look after the dog etc. so I sometimes wonder if it deliberate?
He says he'll only get somewhere if I'm happy with it but every single property I've shown him online, he's said no to. His excuse is often "that's to far out for me". But it's not too far for me and I'm the one who is going to be living in it?!? The furthest property has been 6 miles away!

I'm currently in the process of setting up my own business, but it's moving at a snails pace as I have no real uninterrupted time to myself.

This is not the way I see my life moving forward. I'm now just thinking about cutting my losses and moving to a rented place, but I feel annoyed that I've had a carrot dangled in front of my face that seems to be moving further and further away from me.

*I'm worried that in the future he'll decide that he wants a bit of money and will want me to move back in with him and rent 'my' house out. He's got form for doing stuff like that.

Fair enough. It sounds like people in RL have agreed with every poster here who has reponded to you. Your dad's offer isn't one to be thankful for because it's not a real offer. He isn't offering you ANYTHING. Which is ok if you are happy being his housemate in his house but it's obviously not what you want. If you are somewhat rural, would it be better to pop up a notice somewhere saying you are looking for a cottage/granny flat to rent? Lots of people have these and never advertise. You are more likely to find one of these sorts of places via word of mouth?

Wait a minute, so he's going to "buy" you are house to live in but then move in with you?

There is just no way that will be for six months only. You'll have him forever.

Find someone who wants a lodger. Your living costs may be a bit higher but you won't have to cook or clean for someone else and you'll have considerably more privacy and free time.

Please, please reconsider this arrangement- I can see no benefit for you.

I think that this kind of situation sounds really dire,and will do your head in so to speak. But one can never put themselves in others situations of course. Your parents clearly love you, despite all the difficulties, and your dad always want's you near,,, but you have aspirations of your own now,, and would probably be best to go forth and do what you alone want to do soon..

I hope that you will make some good decisions soon and get your business up and running.

As a single person on ESA how are you going to afford a mortgage?

Just leave, there are too many conditions and even if he buys a house he's going to move in and never move out.

How about you talk to your mother, swallow your pride if that is what is stopping you.

Whatever you decide you need to start planning to get out and accept that this arrangement is never going to work.

Op - so what are you going to do? If you're not happy about something, the only person who can change that is you.

But so far every suggestion given has been refuted in some way and until you realise that your dad can't be trusted you will be stuck where you are.

Agree with Snuggly.

You have come up with a reason for everything that has been suggested here. When I was younger I would have loved to stay in a rural area but the job prospects were nothing. I moved to the nearest city to get somewhere in life.

Stop making excuses for your father and yourself or accept this is how it's going to be but right now, on esa, you need to go back to your mums by the sounds of it. Do what you do now, but for a cleaner mum who has your cats. Dress it up as "I miss my pets" if you need an excuse for your father but stop being his free ride. Your his daughter not his maid.

I agree with all PP, your DF is not going to look after your interests.

FIL gave us some money when we bought a house, so we would have a larger deposit and a better mortgage. We had a solicitor draw up documents to reflect that FIL would have x% equity in the house in exchange. Would this be a possibility for you?

What do you want to do with your life? Stay in the same place with a parent caring for them till they die and then live alone till you die? If not, then you need to put on your big girl pants and move out. No ifs or buts. If you can't afford this place then it will have to be somewhere else. If you have anxiety then please get professional help. Don't stop living because you are afraid.

I'm not going to be on ESA forever. It could stop at any time really. A mortgage would end up being cheaper than a private rent.

I do feel a bit hopeless at the moment and am not trying to refute everything that's been suggested. I know that the only person who can change things is me - and that's a really big achievement for me to even admit that! I've made so many positive changes over the past year, and in some ways moving here has been a good thing as I've certainly learnt to be more assertive! I'm learning more about myself all the time.
I'm only just starting to acknowledge that I'm an adult women in the latter half of her twenties who doesn't need the permission of others to do things.

In answer to you question -what am I going to do?
I'm not entirely sure at the moment, but having a frank discussion with my Dad will be a good start.

It's not as simple as moving away to a city for better job prospects. Moving far away by myself, not knowing anyone is just not going to work. If I had a partner things would be different, but as things stand for me at the moment it would be absurd.

I know this may not come across in my OP but I'm more positive right now than I have been in years!

OP having read all of your posts you don't sound ready to live independently. However if you are ready, move out.

I don't understand how the house is always filthy if it cleaned.

bevelino Thanks for your honesty. May I ask in which way do you mean?

I'll clean it, then it'll be back to square one in matter of hours. They make the amount of mess I'd expect from a toddler.

Why is it absurd to go somewhere where you don't know anyone? Is it a health reason?

Because if not, you can get to know new people. Most of us like to make new friends

chinnygirl Yes its for health reasons.
Of course I don't think that moving away in general is absurd, just for me personally I feel it would be ill-advised at best.

Ok, that really is too bad. I still feel you need to get out of this situation somehow.

chinnygirl I'm not ruling it out completely, in the future who knows? But going from where I've been health wise over the past few years, it'd be a little crazy.

Something I have been thinking about is perhaps renting an office, so I know I'll have somewhere to work where I won't be constantly disturbed. Then I could start earning money, enough so that I can get a rent without housing benefit.
I have also thought about putting my name on the social housing list as a safety net.

your dad has quite a cushy deal doesn't he? you're paying for the groceries, doing all the cleaning and sorting out the dogs. your dad & lodger can really sit back and relax.

as for your dad owning 'your' house, again, it's all stacked in his favour.

he knows who's no. 1 on his list, and i'm afraid it's not you.

i get that you can't move away, but while you're stuck in this tiny room with no time or space to work on your business your life isn't going anywhere. if i were you i'd look very closely at those properties that you can afford - starting i guess at £300 a month or thereabouts? as soon as you're in control and not your dad i think you'll feel a lot better and more productive.

if there is just one property that you think you could live in for a few months, that's all you need.

but bottom line: MOVE OUT.

Leotine, you do not appear to be in financial position to pay a mortgage or enter into a formal tenancy agreement. You also say the thought of moving too far away makes you anxious.

Although you are feeling more positive, you also say you feel hopeless. It may be better for you not to rush things and take your time.

If the house is in his name and he remarries, then divorces or dies, bang goes 'your' house. He is talking about moving into 'your' house. He's not buying you a house, you are buying him one!

If you rent a room somewhere else, you'll be able to stop spending hours as an unpaid housekeeper, so you'll be able to earn more.

Look further out where you want to be. Rent if you have to. You'll never get away from him otherwise.

Put an ad somewhere and rent a room. With finances the way they I bet you will find someone lovely who needs a lodger. Ask your local vicar if he/she knows anyone. That will be your space and your office.
Move out. X1,000
Your are very young and have loads of time to shackle yourself to a house.

I would say you need to thank him for his offer, but you want to have the freedom of it being your choice. You appreciate that he's willing to offer money, but the restrictions are just too much. When your business takes off you won't have the time to dedicate to the upkeep on his house, your house, etc.

So you're going to rent as the amount of work you do is exhausting.

If he's genuinely being generous, he will apologise and say oh the money is unconditional. You choose what you wish. Point out that what should be an exciting time, is dampened by the restrictions.

Please find a way to sort out your living situation so that your dad is not involved. Right now you are paying for the privilege of being his skivvy. He's never going to give that up willlingly. I think once you are able to move out on your own, many things in your life will change for ghe better.

What's the nature of your business?

Are you based in the Midlands? I think I know where you live, even though I don't know who you are.