AIBU about my current living situation?

[Leontine]

This might be long as I'm trying not to drip feed - sorry!

Back story: I previously lived in a rental, but moved back 'home' with my mother due to ill health. My health has much improved over the past 18 months and I was going to move out into another rented place, but my Dad stepped in and said I could move in with him instead of 'throwing money away' and save up for a deposit on a house of my own, of which he would give me a large chunk of.
This was only ever meant to be temporary.
I'm still here over a year later. I sleep in a single bed in a 2m x 2m room. Although I don't pay rent in the traditional sense, I pay £300 a month in groceries, do all the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (it's not just regular housework either, the house is always filthy - like seriously I've never come across anything like it in my life), and I do almost all of the dog care apart from walks - which I refuse to do. (I have two cats that my munis very kindly taking care of as I can't bring them here due to the dog's high prey drive).

The buying a house thing is going nowhere and comes with some big conditions. My Dad wants his, and only his name on the mortgage, even though I'm the one going to be paying it. I can understand if he wanted to jointly own it with me, it's a lot of money to give someone freely, but in years to come I'll have paid more into the house than he has and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.* He also has a very small catchment area of where I'm 'allowed' to live - the town we currently live in, which I don't like at all, and some of the surrounding villages. The budget is relatively small and with the catchment area he's set coupled with my own criteria, it's proving impossible to find anywhere suitable. He's admitted that it's handy having me here to look after the dog etc. so I sometimes wonder if it deliberate?
He says he'll only get somewhere if I'm happy with it but every single property I've shown him online, he's said no to. His excuse is often "that's to far out for me". But it's not too far for me and I'm the one who is going to be living in it?!? The furthest property has been 6 miles away!

I'm currently in the process of setting up my own business, but it's moving at a snails pace as I have no real uninterrupted time to myself.

This is not the way I see my life moving forward. I'm now just thinking about cutting my losses and moving to a rented place, but I feel annoyed that I've had a carrot dangled in front of my face that seems to be moving further and further away from me.

*I'm worried that in the future he'll decide that he wants a bit of money and will want me to move back in with him and rent 'my' house out. He's got form for doing stuff like that.

You are basically a housekeeper for your dad and the lodger

They have it made.

You need to move out of there pronto.

Please get out of there. You're 26. Now is your time to be living. If you stay you will look back on this time in 20,30 years with regrets, trust me. I am 42 and I am saying this as someone who would love to be 26 again! Don't waste a second of these precious years.

Do not let your Dad's name on the mortgage. It will his house and not yours. If you are not working you will not be able to get a mortgage. It sounds like you would be best moving to another area with more job and property options. You are currently an unpaid housekeeper and obviously your Dad will want that position to remain as is.

Your dad asked you to move in so you could save money for a mortgage deposit and then he would give you a chunk of money but he wants the mortgage in his name and you give him your saved deposit?? Surely that's a reverse of the original intention - I.e you give him money to help him buy a house?? Where's the financial gain for you?

Either the house and mortgage need to be in your name only or joint or not at all. If joint, it needs a proper tenancy agreement drawn up. However, iWould really recommend you only buy if all in your name, there will be too many strings attached otherwise

In order to buy you need to get your business off the ground so that has to be your priority. Without that you won't pass the affordability tests that come with a mortgage agreement (the fact that mortgage is cheaper than rent makes no difference)

Why can you not focus on your business at your dads? Are you not able to tell them you are working and lock yourself away in your room? If it's time spent on the house, you need to renegotiate what you are doing. If it's impossible to work there you have to move out otherwise you cannot move forward with earning enough money to buy a house.

Isn't your DF quite the charmer? Would you be entitled to housing benefit to put towards a flat/lodging?

Your dad is very money orientated. He gets you to pay for food, rents out his bedroom as it commands more rent, wants to buy in his name to protect his deposit, wants to move into the new place to get more rent. Did he provide help and support when you were a child or is he now interested as you have money to reduce his food bill and the ability to wash his socks and make his dinner.

I'd be interested to know your mums opinion on him. Whether dragging maintenance from him was like getting blood from a stone.

Please don't feel you need to answer any of these questions.

Regarding the mortgage. He can protect his deposit with some lenders even if you are the only mortgage applicant. His age may mean he cannot get a mortgage with many lenders. Many want it repaid by aged 70 years. Some go past 70 based on pension income, but not many will do this. Self employed, lenders usually want 2 or 3 years books, assuming you are a sole trader they will use your net profit. Some use 3 years ave others 2. A couple of lenders use 1 years and only require you to trade for a year. As a quick check rule 5 times income is the absolute limit (assuming a 25 year term and no other debt, including mortgage). It's unlikely dad can get a 25 year term. He cannot secure his house as collateral on the new house with a high street lender. He cannot do a buy to let and have you or him live in it. Interest only on residential is pretty much gone.

Have you taken financial advice? I suggest you do, with dad, asap. If your dream can not be a reality (as he cannot get finance) then move on.

Can you move back with mum and pay her £300?

I really think it would be better for you to rent elsewhere in a place of your choosing than be in this situation. Buying isn't always the right option and it doesn't sound like it is here. Rent a small place for yourself, save what you can.

SparklingFairyDust I'm not in the Midlands.

I've just been looking at rents and nothing suitable is coming up at the moment.
I'll consider the lodging idea. Another idea I had was to get a camper van, but I know many people would think that's crazy.

I agree that things will get even better once I've taken the leap and moved out - I just need to be brave! I know I have a lot to offer the world, and am optimistic I can do well with my business, however it pans out.

(I do love my Dad to bits, but I can totally see now why mum didn't want to be with him, as awful as that sounds).

Your dad's 'offer' aside, as a self employed person you need to provide at least two year's worth of accounts as proof of income. So that's two years of decent income plus however many years it takes you to build up to that level of income.

You seem to have a kind of 'want it all, want it now' attitude. I'm not being rude BTW, I live in a similar situation at home with my own business in late 20s. I haven't rented because it's 'wasting' money when I could save to buy. But I find myself being picky about what I want and where. It's my first real place ffs. Pretty sure the rules says it's not supposed to be perfect

The parent I live with is controlling and difficult at times too. I've learned to handle it. Ive stopped the virtual slavery as it went unacknowledged anyway. But I'd smell that house 'offer' a mile off as dodgy. You'd basically be paying him rent, to pay HIS mortgage, on HIS asset. Forget the idea.

You 100% need to move out of there ASAP. Whether it's a rental or your mum's until you get a rental... but how will you afford the rent on ESA? I don't think they'll give housing benefit to you unless it's for a houseshare. And without references and payslips you may find the only way to secure a tenancy is to pay 6 months upfront

One thing I did once - is to advertise for somewhere to rent. It can prompt people who have a holiday let, granny annex etc. to think about letting it out for a bit of extra cash.

Your dad sounds like Josef fritzel

43percentburnt He's incredibly money orientated but is the most tight fisted person I've ever known.

I always used to think my mother was too harsh on him, I idolised him, he was the 'good cop'.
I still remember my Mum having terrible trouble getting enough maintenance from him. For years he only paid her £100 per month, which increased to £200 when I hit my teens. He stopped paying altogether when I was 16.
He often used to be incredulous about the amount of child maintenance his colleagues were paying and said that he'd "never have that".

He work incredibly hard, he lives to work, but in virtually all other aspects of his life he's incredibly lazy. His work is his life and everything else has fallen by the wayside.

Regarding the mortgage, he's in his early fifties. Realistically I won't, if ever, be able to afford a mortgage on my own for a long time. Of course I may meet someone and things could be different.

I have not sought financial advice yet, but will be doing regarding my business soon.

cocobatter You're right! My life has been on hold for so long now that I'm chomping at the bit to get everything into place.

I've had housing benefit before when I had a job, so I should be able to still get it on ESA. I don't think it'd have to be a houseshare either. The problem is that all the private rentals are no DSS, apart from ones in unsafe areas.

Leon, I thought that's what you would say.

Any reason why you can't live with mum? She may be gutted you are living with your dad.

43percentburnt My Mum doesn't feel it would be in my best interest to move back in with her, and I'd be inclined to agree.
I have to at some point stand on my own two feet.

OP you are the victim in an abusive relationship, your father is taking most if not all of your ESA from you and keeping you as a virtual slave. I'm going to hazard a guess that you've been experiencing and extended period of mental ill-health but are now beginning to recover.
Getting a mortgage just isn't going to happen at the moment, you've been without employment for at least 18 months.
If you have a support worker or health care professional you can confide in please speak to them. A room in a houseshare might be better for your wellbeing than your current situation. Have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk you may be able to get help with housing costs.

Are you job hunting at the moment? Would be a good idea to broaden your geographical search area to give you more opportunities for jobs and rental properties but move out of your Dad's asap - you're in you mid 20's. You should be having a good time, out with friends, planning holidays etc, not housekeeping for your Dad. Do any of your friends want someone to flat share with them?

Honestly you'd be much better off in a tiny private rental. Please do check when you move in that it doesn't have those rip off coin meters in it for the heating as you will quickly eat up more of your cash.

Oh sweetheart he might be a good dad in some respects debatable but he's financially screwing you over and is treating you as a maid slave They both make more mess than toddlers in a few hours? He's dirty. You can't get any peace to work - do they call you down to do this and that? It sounds appalling. Please love, open your eyes. This is seriously wrong. The only winner here is your dad.

You are getting really good advice here Leon. Well done for starting to reassess your options.

It's ironical that For years he only paid her £100 per month, which increased to £200 when I hit my teens. He stopped paying altogether when I was 16 & now you are paying him £300.
Do you really eat £300 worth of food a month ? & then have to cook for who ? him & the lodger? & clean their shit up ?
Put your name on social housing list, look for a lodging,
Stop this now, the money he is possibly putting into a mortgage, is the money you are giving him, then he won't have it in your name,
It is a farce

To be honest, you'd be better off gettting a job as an actual live-in housekeeper. You'd still be doing what you do now, but you wouldn't be buying groceries for other adults and you'd establish a record of earnings ready to get a mortgage.

Speaking bluntly, your dad is trying to swindle you out of any savings you have

Mix The £300 isn't just food to be fair its other household stuff too. The lodger provides his own food.

He's also asked if he can live with me for 6 months so that the current lodger can move in his girlfriend and he can get more money off them. That means he'll have to bring the dog with him, and I still won't be able to have my cats.

He is not offering to buy you a house. He wants to buy a second home so he can let out his current home and start being a btl landlord. Yet he is trying to manipulate you into paying for the mortgage. No.

Your current situation is exploitative and I hope you find a way to escape it. Make this business a success. Spend as little time in the house as possible (stop doing any cleaning except the bare minimum to protect your health eg maintaining hygienic place to cook your meals and wash). Get out and about and make more friends - sooner or later one of your friends will be in a position where they would like to not live with parents and you will have a house mate who won't be a stranger.

I have only read the first page but pp calling your dad controlling, saying your first priority should be moving out etc WTF.

I think he is being realistic. I don't mean to sound mean but no mortgage lender would give you a mortgage with out you working, so yes your dad would have to be on the mortgage that is just a fact that's not controlling.

You are making excuses saying you don't have time to work on your business, go to the library when you cant concentrate at home. I believe you will need 3 year of good income from a self employed business before anyone would give you a mortgage.

I can understand him wanting you to be closeto him and I assume your mum if you have struggled with your mental health in the past and can't afford to support yourself, I think as parents we worry about our children again that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't belive in you or that he is controlling. You haven't shown him you can support your self so he will worry because he cares.

Posters suggesting you moves 2 hours away, with no job, no support in the area, and previous mental health problems are irresponsible.