AIBU about my current living situation?

[Leontine]

This might be long as I'm trying not to drip feed - sorry!

Back story: I previously lived in a rental, but moved back 'home' with my mother due to ill health. My health has much improved over the past 18 months and I was going to move out into another rented place, but my Dad stepped in and said I could move in with him instead of 'throwing money away' and save up for a deposit on a house of my own, of which he would give me a large chunk of.
This was only ever meant to be temporary.
I'm still here over a year later. I sleep in a single bed in a 2m x 2m room. Although I don't pay rent in the traditional sense, I pay £300 a month in groceries, do all the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (it's not just regular housework either, the house is always filthy - like seriously I've never come across anything like it in my life), and I do almost all of the dog care apart from walks - which I refuse to do. (I have two cats that my munis very kindly taking care of as I can't bring them here due to the dog's high prey drive).

The buying a house thing is going nowhere and comes with some big conditions. My Dad wants his, and only his name on the mortgage, even though I'm the one going to be paying it. I can understand if he wanted to jointly own it with me, it's a lot of money to give someone freely, but in years to come I'll have paid more into the house than he has and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.* He also has a very small catchment area of where I'm 'allowed' to live - the town we currently live in, which I don't like at all, and some of the surrounding villages. The budget is relatively small and with the catchment area he's set coupled with my own criteria, it's proving impossible to find anywhere suitable. He's admitted that it's handy having me here to look after the dog etc. so I sometimes wonder if it deliberate?
He says he'll only get somewhere if I'm happy with it but every single property I've shown him online, he's said no to. His excuse is often "that's to far out for me". But it's not too far for me and I'm the one who is going to be living in it?!? The furthest property has been 6 miles away!

I'm currently in the process of setting up my own business, but it's moving at a snails pace as I have no real uninterrupted time to myself.

This is not the way I see my life moving forward. I'm now just thinking about cutting my losses and moving to a rented place, but I feel annoyed that I've had a carrot dangled in front of my face that seems to be moving further and further away from me.

*I'm worried that in the future he'll decide that he wants a bit of money and will want me to move back in with him and rent 'my' house out. He's got form for doing stuff like that.

Ugh. Sounds hideous, OP.

Get a job, move out (advertise for a flatmate, or flat share yourself in a larger city) and don't make any plans that rely on your dad.

Your father and his lodger have seen you coming.

Whatever it takes you have to get out

The reason I'm trying to set up my own business is that if I were to get a proper job, I'd have to have a very understanding employer.
I really do believe I can make a go of my business, I just want a simple life.

I'm not sure £300 a month is actually that bad .

75 a week

10-15 a week for bills
10 council tax
10-15 a week for food
35-45 a week rent

For a 26 year old it's not that bad. If you are really charitable you could think the Dad is doing it so the OP isn't too comfortable at home. If he made it cheaper or free he might be worried the OP wouldn't ever move on. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also, is there a possibility that he is keeping her money for when she moves out.

I can also see some sound reasons for him wanting to be on the mortgage. He may not want to have his finances (credit score etc) tied in with the OPs for one. If he also wants to be the sole owner on the deeds than he may be wanting to do that in case the OP marries someone and then gets divorced and has to split her assets.

Perhaps if the OPs Dad was a little more honest and said the the OP that he would like to buy a house for her to rent off him at a reasonable rent then it wouldn't seem so bad.

OP. Have you had money problems or debts from before?
I'd also worry that you are being too optimistic about your business. Are you ever likely to earn much from it? Are you sure that a partime flexible job such as bar staff or similar might not be better. I'd have thought getting out the house would be a good thing? Especially as it's hard to motivate yourself when you are there. It really shouldn't take that much of your day to run a household. (Obviously you shouldn't have to...)

It seems like you have it all arse about face, as the expression goes

You think that ONCE you stop being depressed, you can start your business, move out of your dad's, start living. But have you thought that living in a tiny room, skivvying for two men, in a dirty house (and without your cats!) is not helping your mental health?
You have the life of a Victorian novel, with a father quite happy for you to carry on looking after him and giving him a significant sum of money each month. No wonder he can't find a house he wants to buy!

Why not try a house share- it can be a good way to meet new friends, there's always someone there to chat to. And less chance of shit begrimed towels.

I'm overtired so I'm not going to properly respond to the last two replies but cringiest obviously hasn't read the thread properly and JessicaEccles nowhere have I mentioned i'm depressed. MH problems are solely about depression.

If you are on ESA can you not get housing help and council tax help?

I'd be depressed living there! How can it really be helping your mental health?

Sorry OP, I had read the thread (although maybe missed something...)! I was trying to offer a different perspective - I don't know what you dads motivation for charging you are and I don't know why he isn't going to simply give you money for a house but I don't necessarily think he is as nasty as some posters are alluding to. I don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️. He might be worried his gift to you get wasted somehow.

jessica You said "You think that ONCE you stop being depressed, you can start your business, move out of your dad's, start living".

I suffer from bouts of melancholy, like a lot of people, but that is very different from clinical depression.

It's not helping my mental health, you're correct there, but I'm definitely not depressed about it.

Cringe Yes he's not nasty or horrible. His behaviour may come across as controlling but (and I'm not making excuses for him here) there's no malice in it, he genuinely can't understand that perhaps his way of thinking sometimes deviates from what most people would consider the norm.

I'm just not sure what you're looking for from us, OP.

Your dad doesn't feel you're ready to buy a house and to be honest it's academic because you wouldn't get a mortgage without a job. Instead he's offering to buy a house that you can rent from him. If you're not happy with that arrangement (and I can understand why you wouldn't be) then your options are to stay where you are or to rent somewhere by yourself.

If your ESA isn't going to continue (as you've said) I don't see how you can move out without getting a job, really. What is the business you're trying to start? It's very unusual for any business to make a profit within the first year, even the ones that go on to be successful.

I think that peachgreen has summed up your situation quite well.
OP, I think that most people struggle with having two conflicting priorities to tackle, and find it best to focus on one before moving to the next.
In your case, is your no.1 priority moving home or your business?

If it's moving home, you need to works out if you want complete independence from your DF and if so how you're going to achieve that financially. If you want to continue with your DF's plan, then you will realistically be a tenant in his home. And in all probability you will turn into his lodger once he moves in.

If you want to put your business first, then I think you should concentrate on that and shelve the idea of moving for the time being.

Hi OP. Your mum may be willing to let you move in again short term if it got you away from this situation. She may well be right that it's not in your best interest long term but have a talk with, a brutally honest one, and see what she says. You're her little girl and she'll want where best for you.

He might be worried his gift to you get wasted somehow.

If his plans came to fruition it most definitely wouldn't be any kind of 'gift'.

I don't think £300 per month with food included is too bad, much less than that and you'd be costing him money in gas, electricity, water, food, council tax (single person's discount if he was living alone). The state of the house and you doing all the cooking, cleaning and dog care is bad though. I think you might be happier in a bedsit or renting a room in a house of tidy people. I would be wary of letting your Dad help you buy somewhere, if only because he will feel like he has the right to live there with you and that's obviously not working for you right now.

Why will you need a very understanding employer, OP? No need to be specific if it makes you uncomfortable, but perhaps people can suggest useful routes to employment if they have an idea of the difficulties. Because it does seem a job would give you options that you don't have right now, and your living situation sounds ... unideal. And the more trapped you feel the harder it is to change things.

Basically the AIBU part was regarding my Dad's offer.

I know what I have to do ultimately with regard to everything else, so I wasn't really looking for advice there.

It was very late, I was overtired and worked up. I just needed a rant.
It was good to be able to talk to someone.

In one aspect £300 sounds a lot as it's most of your benefits, when there's two working adults in the house. What is stopping the GF moving in now? Would it reduce what you have to pay?

I think if I were to agree on a house & obviously your Dad is going to have to be on the mortgage, could he change the 'deeds' so he has a life time interest and 50% is in your name? When I read it this morning I thought he was trying to screw you over, but in fact he'll be paying for the mortgage so yes he will have a say.

Maybe depending on how much he's looking to spend, plus what he has savings wise, you could look at auctions and if anything crops up, you usually pay a minimal sum, over going through estate agents.

If you find out who the auctioneers are in your local area, they'll have houses on a website, you won't get to see inside, I think occasionally they'll let you have a peak as a gesture of goodwill. But your Dad would need the money to buy it outright, then say £5/10k to do it up.

It's sold as seen so you don't get surveys etc.

If you're starting your own business maybe it's a good idea not to own any equity on the house as if something were to go wrong, they could use the equity as a way to claw back money.

If he were to move in with you then you could set ground rules like, use wetwipes before a shower to prevent 'stains' on towels.

I do think it's harsh that you have to pay so much at the moment, but I can see the other side it's nice that your Dad is offering to do this.

I can understand him putting conditions on the mortgage to protect his deposit if you get a partner then split with him. I can understand him wanting to protect you if you can't work again. But he should be talking about such reasons up front with you and he not. What I also can't understand is why he's dictating which house or where. That really shouldn't be anything to do with him, except perhaps a general making sure it is a sound house and worth the asking price.

It really does sound as if he likes the current set up of you paying his bills and keeping his house for him. Even better if he can get you to do this in a new house of his choosing whilst he rakes in some more money from his lodger and his girlfriend.
Why would he move out after 6 months? This is not his intention. When you have agreed to all this how on earth are you going to get him to move out of "his" house that he owns 100%. He will have paid the deposit, will be on the deeds and will have his name on the mortgage due to you not being able to get one because of your own business not being up and running for long enough. Your "mortgage payments" will be basically rent. And you will be skivvying for him for the privilege. You won't have any rights to that house whatsoever.

Fair enough if you want to rent a house from your dad. Plenty of people would enter into this. most buy to let's don't allow renting to family But this is worse as you will be living with him indefinitely and he's not being upfront about it. He's tricking you into this. You know that living with him permanently won't be much fun as you will have to do all the work and you already know it won't do your mental health any good long term.

Tbh this situation reminds me of all the abused wives who don't realise they are in abusive relationships as their experience seems normal to them. They love their dps too and will say they are good partners whilst ignoring faults that anyone with normal boundaries just wouldn't put up with. They are gradually worn worn down until they have such low esteem they haven't got the confidence to get out when they do realise things aren't right.
You dad paid hardly anything to your mum for you and it stopped when you reached 16. You are paying him £300 now. Surely you can see the wrongness in that?

Perhaps some counselling for you to look at your boundaries etc as well as to help with your general mental health?

I really would advise you make sure you don't agree to anything that involves you living with your dad. Independant living is the way to go, even if this means letting go of your dreams to buy a house. The conditions just don't make the sacrifice worthwhile and could actually damage you.

And anyone with your best interests at heart would be leaving you alone and doing their utmost to help you get your business of the ground. Your dad seems to be hindering you at every opportunity and the fact that you just drop everything and are at him and the lodgers beck and call, and do their bidding without being able to say to them "I'm working and you'll have to sort yourselves out" also leads me to believe that you have no boundaries. This is so wrong. You should be able to ensure your working time is undisturbed and you can't.

Actually you shouldn't be at their beck and call and doing everything for them full stop. But definitely not when you are working.

That's not a gift it's a poison chalice! How much is the lodger paying? If you factor in all the cooking and cleaning at even minimum wage (though round here the going rate is £10 per hour) I bet you're paying far more.

If the gift from your dad ever materialises (and if his name is on the deeds it's YOU gifting him all your mortgage payments) there'll be so many strings attached it's not worth having.

Lodge with someone else. Are you sure your mum wouldn't want you there?

I know this is besides the point, but why are you running around after your dad and the lodger cleaning up after them? They should be able to clean for themselves.

You know they'll continue to make a mess and leave it for you to clean if you continue to clean up after them?

if I were to get a proper job, I'd have to have a very understanding employer. I really do believe I can make a go of my business, I just want a simple life.
I'm sorry, OP, but as a pp said, you are probably a bit too optimistic about your business. Successful business-people are strong, driven personalities, rarely drawn to a "simple life". I think you need to get out of this situation, move out and get a job.