AIBU about my current living situation?

[Leontine]

This might be long as I'm trying not to drip feed - sorry!

Back story: I previously lived in a rental, but moved back 'home' with my mother due to ill health. My health has much improved over the past 18 months and I was going to move out into another rented place, but my Dad stepped in and said I could move in with him instead of 'throwing money away' and save up for a deposit on a house of my own, of which he would give me a large chunk of.
This was only ever meant to be temporary.
I'm still here over a year later. I sleep in a single bed in a 2m x 2m room. Although I don't pay rent in the traditional sense, I pay £300 a month in groceries, do all the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (it's not just regular housework either, the house is always filthy - like seriously I've never come across anything like it in my life), and I do almost all of the dog care apart from walks - which I refuse to do. (I have two cats that my munis very kindly taking care of as I can't bring them here due to the dog's high prey drive).

The buying a house thing is going nowhere and comes with some big conditions. My Dad wants his, and only his name on the mortgage, even though I'm the one going to be paying it. I can understand if he wanted to jointly own it with me, it's a lot of money to give someone freely, but in years to come I'll have paid more into the house than he has and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.* He also has a very small catchment area of where I'm 'allowed' to live - the town we currently live in, which I don't like at all, and some of the surrounding villages. The budget is relatively small and with the catchment area he's set coupled with my own criteria, it's proving impossible to find anywhere suitable. He's admitted that it's handy having me here to look after the dog etc. so I sometimes wonder if it deliberate?
He says he'll only get somewhere if I'm happy with it but every single property I've shown him online, he's said no to. His excuse is often "that's to far out for me". But it's not too far for me and I'm the one who is going to be living in it?!? The furthest property has been 6 miles away!

I'm currently in the process of setting up my own business, but it's moving at a snails pace as I have no real uninterrupted time to myself.

This is not the way I see my life moving forward. I'm now just thinking about cutting my losses and moving to a rented place, but I feel annoyed that I've had a carrot dangled in front of my face that seems to be moving further and further away from me.

*I'm worried that in the future he'll decide that he wants a bit of money and will want me to move back in with him and rent 'my' house out. He's got form for doing stuff like that.

^ So basically I'm weak and lazy? Er thanks? Lol 😂

OP, is your Dad making you do the cooking and cleaning or are you choosing to do it? If you stopped cleaning or didn't live there would they do it? Or are they happy to live in a pig sty

^ They would just do the bare minimum. Well my Dad would. The lodger wouldn't.

Agree with peaceout and OlennasWimple and all the posters on page one telling you your dad us controlling, taking advantage and it will not be your house. it sounds a nightmare. You need to get free.

I have not read all the posts and am nervous to suggest things as OP you seem to have an answer for all posters who make sensible suggestions!

I agree - successful business people are rarely in it for an easy life!

You mentioned moving made you feel anxious. Why not address this? Get some counselling. Then you can get free to make your own choices.

Please do not buy with your dad, it is a terrible idea.

Please get a job that pays you money so you can move on with your life.

So he's going to buy a house and use your housing benefit to pay for it?

I think there are benefit rules to prevent you from renting from a close relative. Perhaps someone more knowledgeable about housing benefit rules could confirm this?

Sorry he sounds very exploitative OP. I feel very sad that he's taking advantage of your vulnerability like this.

They would just do the bare minimum. Well my Dad would. The lodger wouldn't.

So are you choosing to do the cleaning or is your Dad making you do it? If you are doing it because you want to live in a clean house then it's different to if it's because your Dad is making you do it IYSWIM

^ Yes I'm doing it because I want to live in a tidy house. Nothing gets done unless I do it. A lot of women fall into that trap I think.

italian It's obvious you haven't read the thread. 🙄 To clarify - by 'simple life' I don't mean mean that I want an easy life, I mean it as in I've never had a desire to drive flashy cars etc.

I like Inertia idea of a bring s live in housekeeper.

Agree with Penfold007, your dad is being abusive. I am sure it is hard to hear when you I've him to bits but he I'd not treating you ons loving way.

Do you have a counsellor, social worker or friend who can help you or advise about alternative housing and seek a suitable paid job.

If you were not cleaning and shopping all the time you could pursue your business idea at weekends.

I am reading the thread now.

Yes I'm doing it because I want to live in a tidy house. Nothing gets done unless I do it. A lot of women fall into that trap I think

Okay, so that's your choice then 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think you can blame your Dad for that then.

What about the cooking and shopping?
Does he tell you to do it or are you doing it because you chose to IYSWIM?

^ Yes I do see a councillor. She has suggested putting my name on the social housing list, which I'm going to do.

The housekeeper thing is a good idea! I've actually thought recently about becoming an au pair of sorts for a while, but I'm not sure I'm a bit old?

yoohooitsme that is so appalling. Can you challenge the contract, see if it I'd legal? Get Citizen's Advice Bureau or whatever they are called now to.look into this. Really shocking.

Look love, I think your stepdad will get you into a lot of trouble if you try to claim housing benefit to pay his mortgage. I think it would be a fraudulent claim.

two The cooking I originally just did for myself but I offered him some food once as I had some left over and now he kind of expects it.
Before I moved in he'd just eat ready meals or carrots.

YNK I would only claim housing benefit if I was renting privately and I couldn't afford the cost of the whole rent.

Leo please do not become an au pair! I did it aged 19 in the UK and it is hands down my worst ever job!

I did not feel it was my own home at all. The kids were bloody hard work. The money is crap. Honestly. Be careful.

I am still reading your thread but I do think I have the gist of it.

You need support, you are anxious about being alone and away from support. your dad is treating you really badly and the lodger is too, just read about the skid marked towel!

Speak to your mum for advice.

You clearly love your dad but he dorsn't sound a very nice man. Sorry.

Hard to hear but as someone else suggested read your Opening post a number of times!

Imagine if you would treat your child the way your dad has treated, is treating, you!

Think about the skills you might be able to offer in work - cooking, cleaning, gardening (?),.pet care. Hotel work(?) Restaurant work. Offfice work ??

I work in an office doing admin, it is not glamorous but I like it. ivwotk with kind, fabulous people.

I have worked in restaurants, quite hard work but some bits (waitressing) quite well paid, tips etc.

Just start a list of all your options. live in care work, housekeeping, hotel work. etc.

I honestly do not want to be discouraging about your business idea but starting a business is so hard!

I spent a year trying to sell cards, I put lots of effort in and barely earnt a bean. Another friend write books (novels), gave up work and has now got into debt.

Keep your business idea alive. Work in the library as others have suggested.but make your first focus finding a new more suitable living situatioon.

it is why to started this thread.

In your shoes I would ask your mum for suggestion and maybe suggest moving back in for six months while you find a job.

I had anxiety on thirties and has Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It worked.

I also lived with my parents in my thirties (the two things not related. Anxiety before moving back, although I often wonder if my anxiety DoD lead to my not looking to live one when I had the chance - OP I rest do think I understand some of it!

My parents treated me very well as I got back on my feet after living abroad. That is what parents do, not all all these strings!

And yes I am still reading your thread.

Sorry. On phone so many typos! I hope you can get the gist of what I am saying!

Anxiety in my thirties. Lived back with parents after livinh abroad.

Do wonder if that anxiety meant I passed up chances to live on my own.

Anxiety now cured by CBT on NHS. (20 years ago now)

Lastly, your dad's 'offer' not your home, too many strings. Say no and start planning your life, your way.

Night night.

YNK, you're right about housing benefit rules and rent paid to a close relative: they can decide it's not a genuine tenancy and refuse to pay. If you can prove that it's a genuine commercial arrangement, eg a BTL property with a rental history, they may pay, but it's far from certain.

Also, as OP is under 35, she would only be entitled to the shared accommodation rate of housing benefit, unless she gets PIP. The council's website will tell you how much this is, OP.

I feel that the current arrangement is bordering on financial abuse, tbh. Most of the bills would be little different if there were just 2 people living there. Paying £300 a month is shedloads.

The whole proposal sounds really off to me.

When you're earning would you be paying towards mortgage?

What is the lodger interrupting you with?

So basically I'm weak and lazy? Er thanks? Lol (...) by 'simple life' I don't mean mean that I want an easy life, I mean it as in I've never had a desire to drive flashy cars etc
OP, your thinking appears to be extremely binary. There is an enormous spectrum between being strong and driven; and "weak and lazy" (=your words). Just as not driving flashy cars does not mean that you live a simple life. I still think that your best option would be to move away and get a job.