AIBU about my current living situation?

[Leontine]

This might be long as I'm trying not to drip feed - sorry!

Back story: I previously lived in a rental, but moved back 'home' with my mother due to ill health. My health has much improved over the past 18 months and I was going to move out into another rented place, but my Dad stepped in and said I could move in with him instead of 'throwing money away' and save up for a deposit on a house of my own, of which he would give me a large chunk of.
This was only ever meant to be temporary.
I'm still here over a year later. I sleep in a single bed in a 2m x 2m room. Although I don't pay rent in the traditional sense, I pay £300 a month in groceries, do all the cooking, almost all of the cleaning (it's not just regular housework either, the house is always filthy - like seriously I've never come across anything like it in my life), and I do almost all of the dog care apart from walks - which I refuse to do. (I have two cats that my munis very kindly taking care of as I can't bring them here due to the dog's high prey drive).

The buying a house thing is going nowhere and comes with some big conditions. My Dad wants his, and only his name on the mortgage, even though I'm the one going to be paying it. I can understand if he wanted to jointly own it with me, it's a lot of money to give someone freely, but in years to come I'll have paid more into the house than he has and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with that.* He also has a very small catchment area of where I'm 'allowed' to live - the town we currently live in, which I don't like at all, and some of the surrounding villages. The budget is relatively small and with the catchment area he's set coupled with my own criteria, it's proving impossible to find anywhere suitable. He's admitted that it's handy having me here to look after the dog etc. so I sometimes wonder if it deliberate?
He says he'll only get somewhere if I'm happy with it but every single property I've shown him online, he's said no to. His excuse is often "that's to far out for me". But it's not too far for me and I'm the one who is going to be living in it?!? The furthest property has been 6 miles away!

I'm currently in the process of setting up my own business, but it's moving at a snails pace as I have no real uninterrupted time to myself.

This is not the way I see my life moving forward. I'm now just thinking about cutting my losses and moving to a rented place, but I feel annoyed that I've had a carrot dangled in front of my face that seems to be moving further and further away from me.

*I'm worried that in the future he'll decide that he wants a bit of money and will want me to move back in with him and rent 'my' house out. He's got form for doing stuff like that.

Bizzy yes, it was MH problems. I am responsible enough to recognise that moving away would be unwise for exactly the reasons you've stated.

However, I don't think some of the places I've been considering that are 6 - 8 miles away are very far.

I also don't think my Dad is being controlling, at least not deliberately. He just has very fixed ideas. I also recognise that my current living situation is not good for me and is not conducive to maintaining good mental health.

Why is the house always filthy? If you're not working and spending a few hours a week on housework you will still have most of the week to work on your own business?

You're dad seems really controlling.
I wouldn't be paying into something that I don't have my name on part of ??

Have you looked at shared ownership properties that you could get by yourself ?

Bizzy. Did you not see that one of the reasons the OP does not have time is that she does all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and pet care. She claims that an hour after she had cleaned the house dirty again. The OP is stuck in a cycle of drudgery, hence the reason people are telling her the move/leave. If she wrote the same post about a boyfriend or husband there would have been a chorus of LTB.

The father has dangled the carrot of a deposit but on closer inspection it is not in the OP's interest. The proposed property would not be 'joint' which would give her rights. The father wants her to pay for the mortgage but put the house in his name. He had also suggested moving into the house for 6 months so he can charge other lodger more by moving the girlfriend in. After 6 months will the Father tell the girlfriend to leave - of course he won't, the OP will be on the same position shopping, cleaning, cooking for an ungrateful man but this time paying for a mortgage she has no claims on. This man is not yet retired, he could have a good 30 years ahead of him and he could easily meet and marry again. Where would that leave OP. Again if a relationship other than a parent there would be a chorus of LTB.

If those aren't examples of controlling behaviour........

parker I've answered the housework question further up thread. Yesterday I found a shitty skid mark on a bath towel that was hung over the radiator like a hand towel next to the toilet - just to give you an idea of the sort of thing I'm having to deal with on a day to day basis.

I do work on my business most days, but I very rarely get to work uninterrupted. That's the problem. I'm always being bothered by either my Dad or the lodger. They are shift workers and are very rarely working the same shift so there's almost always someone in the house. Even on the rare occasion that they are working the same shift, the dog keeps pestering me for things.

Its shit
You should leave

Of course your dad isn't controlling, he just wants to be in control of everying

@Leontine - I would urge you not to write off the shared house option altogether. My ds1 had to go for this option when he moved to Kent, to start work after university. That was nearly 2 years ago, and he is in the same house and very happy there. There has been the odd difficult housemate, but by and large he gets on very well with them, socialises with them, and considers them friends.

To be honest, having read your OP and some of your updates, I can't help thinking even strangers would treat you better than your dad is treating you, and would be more pleasant to live with.

As a parent of adult children myself, I can tell you that the strings your dad is putting on this 'offer' of money are not reasonable at all. We are considering how we can help our children get a foot on the property ladder, and I know we would not dream of putting the sort of conditions and restrictions your dad wants on any help we offered the boys.

A campervan is an excellent idea! Little wood burning stove and a bit of your own space.

Shared house / flat / bedsit would be better than being left skiddy towels for you to clean up.

Are you on the housing register?

He work incredibly hard, he lives to work, but in virtually all other aspects of his life he's incredibly lazy. His work is his life and everything else has fallen by the wayside
He made his own bed and he has to lie in it, a narrow restricted and one dimensional life
If you fall in with what he wants he will sabotage your life
Spread your wings before they wither and drop off

Your mum has done lots for you so you should talk to her about this situation.

Your dad may not mean to be controlling, but he is being whether it's his intention or not.

Stop making excuses (in the nicest possible way). Talk to your mum and get out of there.

I think you need to get a proper job ASAP rather than trying to get your business afloat - then you'll at least be out of the house and away from your dad and lodger.
I know you don't want to admit that he's controlling but he absolutely is - he would legally own the house, and he wants you to pay for it! He knows he's on to a good thing having a free maid, cook and cleaner and doesn't want to let you go.

If you allowed him to move in with you you would NEVER get rid of him, he'd guilt trip you into letting him stay (and carry on being a filthy layabout).

Please, for your own sake, move out, even if it's into a hostel, and get housing benefit for a place of your own. Make an appointment with CAB to discuss.

Put yourself on housing resister - but don't expect anything any time soon.

Look into all possible renting of work spaces - in nearby city there is a tower block you can rent desks in - had friends in another place who rented in room in a building renting space to start ups. There may be nothing or it may be too expensive at moment - but having a place to work uninterrupted could be another option to rule out. Less time in house as well to get left with all the housework.

Build up savings if possible and keep looking for private rentals and house shares. Never know when they may come up.

I'd also try and stop looking for support from your Dad - he isn't going to buy a house for you and he isn't going to help you move on form his house as he's got a cushy deal with you there at the minute.

Moving on may have to be a more long term goal than you like - but a plan to work towards it would probably help you get there and feel better in mean time.

I'd also try your mother again - she may be happier than you think to have you back with her for a planned period than stuck for years at your dad's.

I haven't read the full thread - you won't get a mortgage for a start due to not having a job, your dad is quite rightly worried about your ability to sustain employment due to your health.

If you are self employed that makes it even harder to get a mortgage.

Your Dad obviously likes the fact that you are a free cleaner but it's time for you to fly the nest.

I'm not going to say your dad is controlling but he knows full well what he is doing and certainly realises that it's his way or the high way (for you)

You are an adult not a child! He just wants you both to move so he can rent out his current place (he will bank a decent sum each month fur that) then he wants to buy another place of his own and charge you rent - wants you to buy the food and be his cleaner!

At his age he might struggle to find a mortgage anyway

What if you got a BF?

I think you need to get a proper job ASAP rather than trying to get your business afloat - then you'll at least be out of the house and away from your dad and lodger.

That's another good idea.

If you are in the early days of trying to get a busIness off the ground then the last thing you should be doing is to commit to renting an office space. It's an unnecessary overhead and I wouldn't do it unless you already have a regular cashflow coming in. Can you work anywhere else outside of home just to get some head space - library or cafe perhaps?

Although, I think given your situation the suggestion of getting a regular job is a wise one. Starting a business doesn't sound very practical for you at all at the moment.

If you feel that living 6-8 miles away will work for you then absolutely go for it. You probably know best if that is close enough for support, don't listen to your dad on that one.

Your mother might feel that moving in with her would not be in your best interests long term - but does she agree that getting out of your father's house is the priority now?

He's bleeding you dry.

Can you work from a local library? Not sure what your business is but I work on my laptop in the library. Then you can spend lots of time out the house and get on. Or would your mum let you spend time at her house to work on your business.
I would forget about buying a house at the mo to be honest. It's just not looking like a great option for you. I'd try and find a room in a shared house. And also maybe at least a part time job. Good luck!

As far as your father is concerned he owns you and you work for him
He won't want you to get a proper job and that might enable you to be free and independent
He'd rather you tried to get your own business off the ground, he can make sure it never does by swamping you with domestic dutit's and dragging you down with his filth and squalor

Camper van is a good idea IMO, particularly if you have somewhere to park it offroad.

It's the hardest thing to start your own business while you're living with your dad and the lodger.

Could you shelve the idea of your business just for now and look for a full time job? Once you have that you could look for a flatshare.

Your dad is incredibly unfair. He wants you to pay £300 a month when you're on a very low income yet only paid between £100 and £200 for you when he was on a high income.

He's very controlling, too. You know that.

You're still very young. Why not work full time, live with others and aim to buy something in a few years' time?

Moving far away by myself, not knowing anyone is just not going to work
Why? People your age move to other countries (ones where you have to speak other languages, too), live in houseshares, rent alone, get jobs, etc. Why do you need to stay where you are?

Also, unless you have some very special skills and an exceptional idea, between cleaning and caring for the dog, living with your father and a lodger, I can't really see your business taking off, tbh.

I'll share a life experience of mine in case it helps focus your plans
My dad 'helped' me buy a house twenty years ago when I was your age, had me sign a contract (without legal advice) and enjoyed all my gratitude for his help.
Turns out when I came to sell the house and reviewed the paperwork the contract says almost all the value of the house is now under his control but I am responsible for all the costs!
If I sell even though I have cleared the mortgage I will be left with enough cash for a deposit on a new house only e.g. 50k not 200k I thought I had.
I wish I had never let him interfere in my adult life/decisions.

Your father is abusing your good nature. Leave and rent your own place. I wouldn't be cleaning for anyone that leaves kiddy towels like that unless they were physically incapable of cleaning up after themselves!
If you were to move into a property in only his name, you would have no rights to it even if you had made all the mortgage payments. You would in effect be renting from him and should he marry & die, the new wife would inherit not you unless your father made a new will that specifically left you the property. (You do say he is easily led in love, so can't be ruled out!)

Leave him to fester in his own pit. Find somewhere else. Even a flat or houseshare would be better. You won't get a mortgage without a steady job.

Maybe your Mum can help you if you ask her? Not sure what your situation is in that regard. I'd be prepared to admit being wrong about Dad if needed, to make up with her and move back!