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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to buy DH dinner from Wholefoods and let him think I made it?

340 replies

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 09:39

I'm a SAHM to 3 school age DC so you would think I have loads of time. On Tuesdays though, I'm not in at all because after dropping the younger DD at school for 8.30, I'm then in a course 9.15-1pm. Then I have to get to the school for DD's Suzuki violin lesson which I have to go to as well as her between 2-2.30pm. Then I'm hanging round for her to come out at 3.30 because the school is in a busy part of London and if you're not there for 3pm you can't park.
We get in for 4pm and the 2 DS' arrive home around 5pm. They all need to have had dinner, get changed and out again by 5.50 latest as they're in a performance choir which they love and insist on going to and the traffic can make it tricky to get there for 6.30. I then wait for them for an hour and we're home for 8pm.

DH is on a "clean eating" diet at the mo in preparation for some event or other. DD is a fussy eater anyway (always has been) so in that hour between 4-5, I tend to have to make her some variation in what the boys are having and I just don't have time to do the meat, veg etc as DH wants it. Plus I'm vegetarian and prefer not to eat after 6pm.

Yesterday I was in Wholefoods and you can basically buy cold roast chicken, roast sweet potato, really nice veg etc exactly how I would make it anyway. I just bought 2 boxes of it, put in on a tray with foil over on a low heat and he was none the wiser. I didn't tell him I'd actually cooked it, but he presumed I had. Tuesday is the day he gets in early at about 6.15 so he can train and he knows I'll be out with the DC.

AIBU to do this regularly and just be done with it under the circumstances?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 03/05/2017 13:37

'I don't know if other people do this?'

You really wonder ?! WTAF? My DD is 11. She gets up with her alarm, gets herself washed and dressed, goes downstairs and makes herself a cup of tea, toast and egg for soldiers. DS is 8. He has HFA so needs some chivvying, but he also makes his own toast and chocolate milk whilst I do his egg or slice of bacon.

DH and I get our own breakfast.

Stop skivvying.

DirtyChaiLatte · 03/05/2017 13:37

Well you're doing it for the right reasons and as long as they appreciate it appropriately and you don't mind doing it then I don't see what's wrong with the breakfast in bed.

It would be nice if they reciprocated sometimes though.

Amiawful23 · 03/05/2017 13:38

OMG, I can't believe your children are this old - I thought they would all be young children!!!

I don't wish to be harsh as you sound so low but is this really the example you want to set for your sons? That women are just there to cook for them and run round after them?

Botanicbaby · 03/05/2017 13:38

Page 7 and I think OP has been divulging rather a lot of intricate detail

Breakfast in bed - ugh, I have never understood why people see that as a treat.

Why not get a larger freezer OP? I think you said on page 1 that was the reason you couldn't batch cook.

viques · 03/05/2017 13:38

If your DH is so incompetent that he can't -find his own arse with his own hands- cook his own dinner then why don't you cook something on Monday night that can be eaten or warmed up on Tuesday. if he wants a cold roast chicken you can probably buy and cook a nice free ranger for half the price of the whole foods one, similarly there is nothing difficult about chopping up a few veg for roasting.

DirtyChaiLatte · 03/05/2017 13:39

Hmm..... A clear difference in opinion about the breakfast in bed.

I'll have to think about this a bit myself....

Original poster

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 13:39

Tante - well it's not really the kind of thing that comes up in general conversation and I suppose people get into stupid routines.
Yes I probably am doing to much for the DS who is 13 as well. He is very independent in other ways though.

OP posts:

TanteRose · 03/05/2017 13:42

whatafaff what do YOU really want to happen here? Are you ok with the status quo?
You have a say in all of this, you know.

Batgirlspants · 03/05/2017 13:45

Op it's not my way but the thing is are you happy the way things are? If you are then it's your business but if you arnt you change it.

Original poster

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 13:57

The thing is, it would feel very wrong to complain about my life because once everyone is out the door an DD dropped off I have 6 hours to myself 5 days a week. Yes there's shopping and mundane stuff I get done in that time, but still, it's more than DH gets and I can also get to the gym then.
Between 5.30am and 8.30am I am basically doing everything though and similarly in the evenings between 3.30 and about 10pm and it's the routine of it that grinds, rather than the actual jobs.
Weekends are better though,. DH gets involved more and we tend to eat out a fair bit.
DD is home sick today so feeling a bit stuck on with her. Sorry if I sound moany

OP posts:

peaceloveandbiscuits · 03/05/2017 14:03

OP you have one life to live. Please don't find yourself at 70 years old wondering when it's your turn for breakfast in bed. Live your life the way you want to live it now.

Jackiebrambles · 03/05/2017 14:04

I can totally see how this has happened. Your 'guilt' at having those hours 'free' in the day are making you try to make up for it by going well above and beyond!

Add all the extra hours of work you are doing in the morning and evening, I'm sure it evens out!

Also - do you need to get up at 5.30am to do this whole breakfast in bed rigmarole? I only get up at 6.30am and I have to get myself up, showered and ready plus two pre schoolers to get up, dressed/washed/teeth, breakfasted and out of the house to nursery for 8am.

elkegel · 03/05/2017 14:05

Get the Wholefoods meal, leave for him to sort out.

Areyoulocal · 03/05/2017 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2017 14:12

Honestly op if you feel the need to make breakfast then tell them to get out their pits and come and get it or let it get cold. At 11 onwards my daughter got her own brekkie in the morning although I woke her up .

Honestly op, as parents uou have a responsibility to teach your children, not wait on them hand and foot like this. How will they cope when they leave home? Do they actually think it's normal to be made your breakfast in bed every day? Will your daughter grow up thinking that's what women do, will your sons? Becayse those boys are going to get a shock and it's going to damage their future relationships and ability to sustain relationships going forward if they think they get to do as they please and the little woman brings them breakfast in bed each day,

Sit down and tell them they need to get up. Then tell your husband to get his own dinner when you are busy. Being a stay at home mum does not equate to household skivvy.

BoboChic · 03/05/2017 14:19

Cooking several different meals at each meal shift is a nightmare. I'm quite willing to shop/cook for the whole family but there is only ever one meal cooked and served by me each evening. If timetables require kitchen shifts, that is not my problem (I am also fussy about everyone sitting down to dinner together).

Original poster

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 14:25

Thankyou for all this. Jackie, you are probably right about the guilt factor. I do need to shift things somehow. I think you can get into a certain mode and then you get to a point when you look at how things are and think, "How did this happen?"

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 03/05/2017 14:27

😱 at the breakfast in bed updates.

In our house, kids have alarm clocks and wake up. They get changed, do hair/makeup then eat. If I don't hear activity by a certain time in the morning I go to their rooms and knock to see if they are awake. They top up lunchbox (that they made night before) with dry goods like crisps. My dd will stick the kettle on and make me a quick cuppa.

Older teens leave at a specific time. Primary school aged ds leaves a little later but knows that if he hears siblings leave then he needs to hurry up.

On weekends if they are up before me then they get cereal/toast. If I do cooked weekend breakfast then it's quite late (10:30/11) They sometimes do the cooked weekend breakfast themselves and call me down.

Original poster

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 14:30

I don't want to be a bad role model to the DC and this does worry me.
Bobo - you have gone about it the right way the- meals and I know I shouldn't be pandering to this special food business. I don't think I can change things overnight though.

OP posts:

EnidButton · 03/05/2017 14:33

What was your honelife like as a child? If you had both parents at home, did your Mum fetch and carry for your Dad?

Just wondering where you've got the idea that this is how it is for sahm.

TanteRose · 03/05/2017 14:34

whatafaff Ok, start with Tuesdays.
Let your family know that you don't have time for extra hassle (including clean eating) and see how it goes for a couple of weeks.

Then tell them that breakfast will be ready downstairs and they have to come down if they want to eat.

Baby steps

Original poster

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 14:40

Yes my mum did everything for my dad and us which is a scary thought because I never thought I would end up like that, but maybe I have, though my life is much easier than hers was, to be fair. I don't want to end up like some sort of martyr to all this and one day the DC will be gone. It's quite depressing in a way, though I'm super privileged in another way.

OP posts:

CrazedZombie · 03/05/2017 14:43

You know that your sons should be able to cook some meals by now right?

I would be getting them to cook their Tuesday meal (or are all days super crazy?) to make things less manic.

I'm a single parent and my kids do one evening meal each during the week. Obviously they are different difficulties but it's an important life skill.

Jackiebrambles · 03/05/2017 14:46

Great idea CrazedZombie. Get the boys to make dinner - one night each (one being tuesday). It will be so good for them! Both my parents worked and we had to do one meal each (me and my sister) to make things easier at home.

Original poster

whatafaff · 03/05/2017 14:48

I'm ashamed to say they've never made anything by themselves either. I think I could get them interested though. Thanks.

OP posts:

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