To ask if you could be with someone who ate lots of crap

[user1490817986]

I've been seeing a guy for a few months, he's about 4-5 stone overweight. It wasn't an issue at first but the amount of shit he eats puts me off him. He's a lovely guy and we really like each other.

Just an example of what he eats day to day:

Full English breakfast, kebab and chips for tea
or panini for lunch and pie and chips from the chippy
or ham egg chips for lunch, pizza for tea. All washed down with loads of squash.

AIBU to be put off by this?

Eating out and experimenting, that should read.

I asked him yesterday if we could try and eat healthier together -he said he would try. The canteen where he works usually serves junk food, I asked if he could have salad, but he said it didn't look very nice, so he had pie, chips, peas and gravy instead. That's despite me haveing a conversation with him about how i was worried he would have a heart attack or die in his sleep. He carries a lot of weight around his chin/neck area and i'm worried he has sleep apnoea as he snores loads.

Chatting to him this morning and he tells me he's having a full English breakfast. I just feel like he won't help himself despite my support.

'I just feel like he won't help himself despite my support.'

If he wanted to, he'd have already done it, OP. You are flogging a dead horse.

I am really shocked by this thread.
Loads of mn'ers order a takeaway. Now posters are saying: I couldn't sleep with him because the Stench of takeaway comes out his pores.

Ha ha.
Dh is big. He eats loads of salads and heathy stuff.

60 % of uk is overweight.
1 in 4 obese.

So this man isn't that unusual. But the grimacing uber-healthy posters on this thread must therefore be the minority?

He clearly isn't the one for you.

You're entitled to be put off by his diet. You are not entitled to make demands about what he eats. He is who he is, if you don't like it, leave.

Keep going like this and you're going to get into a situation where every time he eats, he'll feel monitored and judged and you will feel personally offended.

Leave the poor man alone. I feel sorry for him knowing that you've made him the subject of a post that is essentially saying he's too unhealthy and fat for me, what do I do? If he posted that about you he'd be shot down in flames for being so judgey.

I couldn't.

I just find people with extremely limited diets and no interest in cooking or nutrition or even just generally their own health to be just too immature.

Living with someone who is not interested in self-care when you yourself are is impossible IMO. It's a fundamental life philosophy.

Maybe he doesn't want your bloody "help". Either accept him for everything he is right now, or leave.

I have a horrible, horrible relationship with food and so does DH. We're both utterly obsessed by it, our weight yoyos, it dictates our mental health and we're both miserable a lot of the time. I've had CBT and counselling, I've tried dieting, I've tried just being sensible. Sometimes I eat healthily. Sometimes I eat a disgusting amount of crap food over the course of a day.

Seeing people say "yuck" about the eating habits of someone they don't know is bloody horrible. If the guy is happy as he is, you have no right to bulldoze in there with your "help" and make him feel shit about himself.

amusedbush - if I understand your post correctly, you condemn your own relationship with food but do not want others to condemn it?

Maybe you're not compatible,OP. Whatever your opinion on this is, you clearly care about this a lot. And the advice always is that you should NOT try and change a man. If it bothers you so much now, it will bother you in the future too. And for goodness sake, don't go on about how unhealthy he is (i.e. fat), that's a sure way to pick away at his confidence. If you don't like him, dump him. He knows he is fat and unhealthy. He is able to learn how to cook by himself. He doesn't need you for any of it.

I would HATE it if a man tried to make me eat healthy and cook. Fuck that.

Seriously, you are not compatible, this is a huge issue, end it now.
What about when kids are involved?

I love a greasy kebab, I adore crisps, I have takeaway, but also like to cook, try new foods and enjoy fine dining.

Don't try to change him, let him find Mrs Kebab and be happy.

Ihave that is an awful way to say things!

TheViceOfReason - this is a basic compatibility issue, as has already been stated many times on this thread.

We're not talking about breaking up an established relationship.

We're taking about a poster who's having doubts about someone new she's seeing.

That's OK, you know.

This is the time for trying someone on for size, as it were. Seeing if you get on, if you like each other, and whether you think you'll be a good fit in the long term.

Something is niggling for the OP, and she's questioning whether things are right.

Your post is pretty much telling her to ignore her own doubts about compatibility - to over-ride those feeling, and to be nice to this person she's only recently started seeing, because being nice to people is more important than gut instinct, and long-term compatibility.

If the OP were discussing her husband, then she'd be getting some very different responses.

You're taking offence where there is really none to be taken. And in fact your advice to essentially ignore her own feelings and be nice to the new chap, is not at all sound.

Believe it or not, it's ok to break up with people - it's especially ok to break up with people before it gets serious, if you think it's not right.

On p4 the OP clearly states she won't give up on him, really cares about him and will teach him healthier cooking. Hence my response. I did actually read the thread and reply on that basis.

Since the OPs last update there is a different tone and the chap appears to not actually want to change - which is a different situation!

Of course the OP shouldn't stay with someone if they disgust her. Of course she would be right to be annoyed if the person claims to want to change but only pays it lip service.

I am not criticising the OP or telling her she should stay with him.

I am confident it was quite clear that my comments were simply to the OP that it was nice she wanted to support him with changing his eating habits. Which is WHAT SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO DO.

If you could show me where I said she should ignore her feelings and be nice to the new chap that would be great. Only you can't because I didn't.

Everyone on this thread has pretty much told her to ditch him - missing the somewhat crucial point that - at the point at which I replied - the OP has specifically said she doesn't want to.

It's fucking obvious that if the OP doesn't want to be with an obese guy and / or doesn't want to help him or doesn't believe he really wants to change that they should split up. I never said otherwise. In fact I did not address that at all as the OP clearly said she didn't want to dump him.

Christ, I'd make him a full English myself then ride off the calories.
YABU and this is a goady thread. Reporting.

And many people read between the lines on that post, thinking 'good luck trying to change him, we all know how that usually works out', and kept encouraging her to go with her gut.

Which, as it turns out....

Well he doesn't make great food choices but I wouldn't say that makes him greedy or gluttonous. It's not unusual to eat 3 meals a day and in fact it appears he only eats two. Op hasn't said he eats excessively at these meals or stuffs himself constantly all day long.

What's wrong with squash?!

If a bloke posted this on here he'd be ripped to shreds and no one would suggest buying the new gf scales

No, he wouldn't, he'd be told to leave her to find someone more suited to her. And to him.

Especially if it was a brand new relationship.

This is basically my dp. I hate the amount he eats. He's probably a few stone overweight. He wouldn't eat any veg if it wasn't for the fact I put it on his plate every night.

Who doesn't love a greasy kebab
Well, sorry to burst your bubble - I don't.

fresh healthy tasteless shite
If fresh and healthy is "tasteless shite" for you - that's your problem.

Yes it would put me off

I've never tried a kebab! Assuming you mean doner ones. Those big spinning meat things just put me off so I've not dared buy one