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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
feathermucker · 02/05/2017 22:12

Not a cat in hell's chance.....nope!

gillybeanz · 02/05/2017 22:19

OP, I don't mind admitting I miss my dd and wouldn't have considered boarding, if I had had a choice. Not that we could afford it or it had ever been a possibility.
I couldn't imagine not seeing her every day, we are very close and compared to most normal families had spent a huge amount of time together, unnaturally some may say.

You weigh up which school is best for your child at the time. Which suits their personality, type of learning, social needs, extra curricular etc.
As a parent you will know what is right when the time comes.

BitchQueen90 · 02/05/2017 22:24

Not at all until secondary age, and then only if my DS expressed a real desire to go and it would be a better education for him.

AnnoyedinJanuary · 02/05/2017 22:28

"He is on the other hand very bright, astute and successful which he credits entirely to boarding at his public school. He's so incredibly independent and solo that I've often wondered if he's with me just because it's the done thing to get a girlfriend then propose to her at some point. If I'm being honest I would want my children to be like him."

Wow - what a strange view point - you're wondering if he's with you because it's the done thing to get a GF and then propose at some point - is that really what you would like for your children? To not feel more than that when being with someone?? Really? As a mum myself - I certainly want my children to grow up and fall in love and have that special person in their life and propose because they absolutely want to spend the rest of their life with someone - as I do every day with my husband....... and as for being "bright" - that could well be down to genes inherited from his parents - some of the biggest idiots came out of boarding schools and they now govern the country - "astute" - could be due to experience in life and with work...... while success is often the result of hard work and effort - none of which have anything to do with boarding schools..... funny but it's a v English thing to send your kids to boarding schools - on the continent they are used solely for children who would otherwise be in care or who simply cannot be handled at home...... so have very negative connotations........ teenage years are hard enough - without being away from your parents and in the age of technology and all the issues with cyber bullying and the dark web - I would much rather my children at home with me every night - where they can speak to me about issues which they have and where I can notice changes in their behaviour - rather than locked away in a school where they are cared for by professionals....... in your DP's time - they may not have had mobile phones and the like..... now it is all very different - I know several people who went to boarding schools - and the stories they tell of what went on are simply chilling....... especially the all boy schools......

sassolino · 02/05/2017 22:36

No. Over my dead body.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/05/2017 22:42

He is on the other hand very bright, astute and successful which he credits entirely to boarding at his public school.
One thing that struck me very strongly when I was at university (Oxbridge) was that people who'd been privately educated were all convinced they'd be stacking shelves if they hadn't been to their particular school, whether it was Eton or some undistinguished local number. Makes me think it must be the first thing they teach you. They are businesses, after all.

Ceto · 02/05/2017 22:54

No. I went to boarding school; it had its pluses, but I can still remember only too vividly the utter misery of homesickness, and the way you could be lonely despite being surrounded by other pupils. Perhaps most significantly, I cannot see that there was any realistic advantage in it - for instance, when I went to university, people who had never been to boarding school seemed to settle into being away from home perfectly easily. So I would never send my children in a million years.

elevenclips · 02/05/2017 22:54

No
If money is no object, you could just built an annexe and get a live in nanny (and any other help required like cook, tutor etc)
I would be the one crying at night

elevenclips · 02/05/2017 22:55

If my kids were at boarding school

MrSlant · 02/05/2017 22:57

Whilst it's very much individual to the child I would be in the 'hell no' camp. I boarded from 11, both my parents from 9 and it's so sad because I'm only just beginning to get a meaningful relationship with my dad and that is occasional windows where I get through to the real him, not the pretend outer shell. I don't ever expect to have it with my mum because she seems so damaged.

On FB recently a school friend put up an article about how damaging boarding school could be and suddenly we all opened up, 20 plus years down the line, to how miserable we all were parting from our families. Some of us still dread Sunday evenings because that is when we would be taken back. Yet at the time we would have said it was the time of our lives because that is what was expected of us and no one dared open up to being different to the others. It seems so very sad to me that women in their 40's are finally saying how they felt and what damage we feel was done.

Saying that I have offered the opportunity to my DC's at the different stages in their schooling because I would hate them to say I'd stopped them from having an experience they wanted. It was the best feeling knowing that they couldn't bear to be away from me every evening. I pack their evenings with sport and music so they don't miss out on the bonuses I had in that respect and then feel such joy when we sit down to dinner, all together and laughing and silly.

Bambambini · 02/05/2017 23:00

Been talking about it. might consider it from 15 on if the kids were keen, especially if nearby and could come home for the weekends.

Neolara · 02/05/2017 23:02

Both my dh and I are emphatic that we won't send our dcs to boarding school. We both boarded.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/05/2017 23:04

No

Wouldn't even consider it

TinfoilHattie · 02/05/2017 23:07

Depends where you live. A friend lives in a small village called Lochgoilhead. Their nearest secondary school is in Dunoon, well over an hour away by road. There is a primary school in the village, but once kids hit secondary age they leave on the bus on a Monday morning and come home on a Friday night. There's not really any choice either - apart from move house.

Similar things happen on the smaller islands - kids have no option but to do weekly boarding.

SuperBeagle · 02/05/2017 23:13

No.

If they wanted to go to boarding school in high school (for whatever reason), then I'd consider it of course, but I wouldn't send them just because the option is there.

thebakerwithboobs · 02/05/2017 23:34

All of our children have had the choice to board if they want to as we are a military family. So far, five have chosen it and all five absolutely love/loved it. Of course I miss them, and that doesn't get any easier whatsoever, but I didn't have children for me, I had them to allow them to make their own choices and forge their own paths. We have never chosen a private boarding school for them, they all attend a state comprehensive with boarding facilities because we have always felt strongly that diversity is very important and we didn't want our children surrounded by privilege and enormous privilege-that's a personal choice though. When giving the choice to our current year seven son, I asked the older ones (one of whom has left now and is at uni) what they thought, as my husband is going to retire in six or so years so it's unlikely we will need to move again. They were all outraged that I would even think of not giving the younger two the same opportunities as they'd had. We are very close to all our boys-yes, they're independent (boarding did wonders for their tidying up skills) and confident but a lot of emphasis was put on PHSE throughout their education. They are well rounded and independent....and all of them still love their mum! Having said all of that, our youngest has not yet decided what he wants to do (current year five). For me, 'sending' a child to boarding school is very different from 'offering' them boarding school.

thebakerwithboobs · 02/05/2017 23:35

*privilege and enormous wealth

bojorojo · 02/05/2017 23:40

Both mine boarded from 11. There are some extremely outdated views being expressed on here. Lots of children boarded because parents had full on jobs. Flexi boarding meant they saw them at weekends so it wasn't much different to being at home with a nanny or housekeeper. I was regularly in school to see plays, music, suppers, sport etc. Children are just not "sent away" these days and flexible arrangements are common. Things have changed. The only way you can decide what is best is go and look at the schools and then choose a prep school that specialises in CE at 13. Mine thrived and are perfectly normal! They have very many friends and we are a close family. They wanted to board so no arguments. If a child was against it, then it's a no. I didn't need to see my children every day and it worked for us.

BeALert · 02/05/2017 23:52

Is boarding school a British thing? Do other countries do it? Anyone know?

Yes other countries do it. We're in the US and my DD is at boarding school. There are quite a few Chinese and South Korean students there too.

It's free tuition, all we pay is living expenses, so not very expensive.

zenasfuck · 03/05/2017 00:06

You have to be a special kind of failed or fucked up adult to conclude your children are better off without you.
What a fucking stupid statement
Have you any actual first hand experience of boarding ?

augustusglupe · 03/05/2017 00:06

Personally I wouldn't.
DH boarded from age 8 to 18 and hated it for the majority of the time, however that was in the 60s/70s and it was all very Tom Browns schooldays!
My nephew also went to public school and didnt board but wanted to as a lot of his friends did.

slyoldfoxystoat · 03/05/2017 00:27

Never, ever ever. But that's my opinion.

AmeliaLion · 03/05/2017 00:34

I don't have first hand experience of boarding, but many positive accounts from people who did. What they missed in terms of closeness to family they won't truly know - why would I (or others) impress that on them?! The endless gains they feel the need to share though. I don't know why they need to share it, but the attributes seem never ending. But what they gained isn't worth the loss to me. I wouldn't give up my relationship with my siblings for all the self-reliance, independence, or high earning potential in the world. Quite frankly, my closeness with my family is worth a hell of a lot more than any form of education can buy.

thebakerwithboobs · 03/05/2017 00:39

Amelia you have no experience yet still feel that you know what people have 'lost'? As per my post, all six of our sons will have boarding offered to them, one has already left, four are at school together, one is only 10 at the moment. They are all incredibly close to each other and to us as their parents. In fact, my sister has sons a similar age to a couple of ours and it's a running joke that whilst her sons attend a day school, we spend far more time talking to our children than she does to hers-very easy when kids are at home for them to disappear to bedrooms or in front of the TV or out with mates and not engage with their parents. Every family is different and places value on different things but please don't assume that you know what the terrible effects of boarding are on every single family because you simply do not.

felinewonderful · 03/05/2017 00:40

No chance.