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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/05/2017 00:55

Flexi boarding from the age of just six years old???

I honestly thought 7 was the earliest and even that makes me feel shocked, as I can't think of a single infant school child who would want to do that, if the choice was theirs.

As much as it's not for me, if I had a senior school child who really wanted to do this, with all things wisely considered I would support their choice.

But I can not consider sending Infant school children, to live away from home as anything other than cruel. I really can't.

I guess that's why MN has a long running 'But we took you to stately homes thread'.

AmeliaLion · 03/05/2017 01:01

To be fair, baker, nobody can have the full experience of both. I can only comment on my own experience and that of those who are close enough to share experiences with me. I don't presume to speak for everyone. However, as I said, the people i know are positive about it. But their experiences aren't enough to change my mind. My opinion is just that. Based in my own experiences and that of those around me. No more and no less than when people proclaim boarding school is awesome.

Everyone's idea of family is different. But, from people I know as adults, those who went to boarding school are less close to their family than those who didn't (anecdotes not data). I don't think the effects are terrible (and don't believe that is what I said in my posts). I'm simply saying that it isn't what I would want for my own children.

You have found a way for it to work for you. That is good. The fact your sister has a different relationship with her children is irrelevant. I wouldn't want that either. But neither situation is the only possible options of day vs boarding. And neither change my opinion that is isn't what I would want for my own children.

emmyrose2000 · 03/05/2017 01:01

I want the best for them. DP's lack of emotional awareness or attachment is somewhat of a red herring. He is on the other hand very bright, astute and successful which he credits entirely to boarding at his public school. He's so incredibly independent and solo that I've often wondered if he's with me just because it's the done thing to get a girlfriend then propose to her at some point. If I'm being honest I would want my children to be like him

If you truly wanted the best for them, you wouldn't even be considering sending them away to boarding school.

I know plenty of bright, independent, successful people. Not a single one went to boarding school. What a load of bollocks to believe that your DH ended up that way due to being a boarder at school. OTOH, I can definitely believe that his lack of emotional awareness is fully due to being sent away by his parents for school.

My bright (top of the class), independent DS is on his way to a very promising engineering career - mainly due to his experience at his state, five minutes walk away from home, high school. It offered him an programme that no private school in the state could offer.

emmyrose2000 · 03/05/2017 01:04

Not in a billion years. I love my children so why would I want to send them away?

It's a very peculiar thing that the British have of rejecting their children at such a young age simply to send them to school.

I don't live in the UK. My kids go to our local government high school. It consistently outperforms every other state high school and all but one private school in my state, so it's absolute bullshit to believe that the only way to get a good education is to pay for it.

Pallisers · 03/05/2017 01:22

*Is boarding school a British thing? Do other countries do it? Anyone know?

Yes other countries do it. We're in the US and my DD is at boarding school. There are quite a few Chinese and South Korean students there too.*

Where UK is different to most places is in offering boarding for very young pupils - as young as 6 or 8.

Ireland also has boarding schools. Mostly for secondary school although there is at least one that takes younger pupils. As a guy in college with me said (and you could tell the boarding school guys immediately) "it can be the best thing for a kid or the absolute worst thing - but you have no idea which it will be when you head off"

I am in the US and might possibly have considered a weekly boarding for high school so age 14-18 but it would have been highly unlikely and only if the child himself was really pushing the decision. As far as I know the only boarding schools in the US are high schools - last 4 years of school.

I have never come across a non-fee paying boarding school in the US BeAlert - would be interested to know how that is funded - is it a religious school or is it in a state where there are huge distances to travel?

Plainlycrackers · 03/05/2017 01:24

I confess to not RTFT but if you have the money, I would consider sending DC to a mixed day/boarding sch as a day pupil... the extra curricular options can be fantastic... just make sure that the children aren't in separate day houses and boarding houses and that day pupils are not a small minority... then they are getting the best of both worlds... the school day will be longer but will include activities (that mean not so much taxiing to extra after school things) and some supervised homework sessions. They offer flexi boarding for one off nights useful after school trips etc. It has really worked well for my DCs (who are v different and not just uber sporty) and I think DC2 might ask to board in sixth form which is more common and I might just cope with that... esp weekly boarding. And contrary to popular belief, not all boarding school pupils are posh and not everyone is loaded.

VimFuego101 · 03/05/2017 01:27

I have several friends who boarded. The ones who were at specialist dance/ music schools were happy (not surprising I guess since they had some choice in that path). The ones who were in a non-specialist school, who boarded because of parents work or belief that boarding was best, say they hated it and wouldn't put their kids in boarding. I would hate to be parted from DS, but I would allow him to try out boarding if the school was a good fit for him.

kmc1111 · 03/05/2017 02:31

All mine boarded, as did DH and I. We all loved it. The DC's are still very close to us, not detached. Highly independent and confident, yes, but not at all removed from emotional connections. If anything we're all on the other end of the scale.

We brought them home one year, nice little village school, and they absolutely loathed it. Happy at home with us, but bored to death in school. I wish we hadn't done it, it took them ages to catch up to the level their boarding schoolmates were at when we sent them back.

Pallisers · 03/05/2017 02:37

saying "all mine boarded" is really non informative.

Does that mean "all mine boarded from age 6" or "all mine boarded from age 10" or "all mine boarded from age 14"?

Because people will react very differently to each scenario. I don't know anyone who would raise an eyebrow at a kid boarding age 14 or 15 - even if it wouldn't be what the person would chose for her own kid. But most people I know would simply not believe a 6 year old or a 10 year old could board.

Railgunner1 · 03/05/2017 06:43

Is boarding school a British thing? Do other countries do it? Anyone know?

Where i came from, a couple of boarding schools exist only for exceptionally talented (art/sport), or severely disabled (more of a care home than a school)
Otherwise its unthinkable -- like an orphanage.

My English DP boarded and hated it. Happiest day was, when he smashed some windows, set a garden shed on fire and got expelled.

ForalltheSaints · 03/05/2017 06:58

No, never, and would have hated it myself. The OPs Dp is one of those who had benefited, but I have come across many who are emotionally damaged by the experience it seems. I would not want to be at school 24/7, which in a way you are.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 03/05/2017 07:11

Not in a billion years. I love my children so why would I want to send them away?

That is a really stupid comment, isn't it. Hmm

To be honest, reading this thread I think that the vast majority of posters strongly opposing boarding school have absolutely no experience of the system whatsoever.

I thoroughly loved my time at boarding school and my parents really do love me. I would categorically not be in the career I'm in, if I had been sent to the local comp.

I can only assume that posters are basing their opinion on some 1950s notion of boarding school.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/05/2017 07:28

When a child is away a parent can not nurture them in the way they can when they are at home and that is a huge part of the parental role

At times it is an absolute necessity but when it's down to choice be it the child's or the parents or joint most people can't understand that choice becuase it goes against what parenting is about the nature of the relationship between the child and parent/s

So of course people are critical

24HourTrainer · 03/05/2017 07:31

No. I went to a school with both day and borders. The borders loved it and I often felt a little envious that I went home at the end of prep. Not because my family was anything other than wonderful, but because who wouldn't want to spend more time with their friends.

A few of my friends now went to boarding schools and all have largely positive things to say about it.

The only reason I wouldn't is because I had children to be a part of their lives. We have a nanny who has become an aunty figure as both DH and I work long hours but when we aren't at work, we have great family time.

Comments like "permanent psychological distress" are nonsense.

SuperBeagle · 03/05/2017 07:34

Is boarding school a British thing? Do other countries do it? Anyone know?

They exist in Australia. A lot of private schools have boarders as well as day students. But that's not too surprising since Australia still has many elements of British culture.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/05/2017 07:37

Are they nonsense

People have spoken out about the distress they felt being away from home, some felt rejected and how that has impacted their lives and how they form relationships there are plenty of stories in the media from ex borders

Unless you think what happens in childhood has no relevance to our emotional growth

GloriaGilbert · 03/05/2017 07:38

My youngest is almost certainly boarding at 13.

My oldest is 14, in year 9, does not board, and I barely see him. He will board for the sixth form.

I would certainly not board any child of mine before 13.

BoboChic · 03/05/2017 08:02

Gloria - why do you barely see your 14 year old?

RoseGoldProsecco · 03/05/2017 08:07

Interesting question. My DM was sent to boarding school at 9 and HATED it. She said she also knew the sacrifices her parents were making to keep her there, so even at 9 she felt she couldn't say anything. But then again, that was a catholic nun run boarding school in the 1960's, so prob not that much fun!!!

She would never have sent me as a consequence of that. However I have quite a few friends who went and who absolutely loved it. One of my friend's brothers loved it so much that both his younger sisters begged and begged to be allowed to go too.

I can't see that I would do it, as I can't imagine being separated from DD, but if there were good reasons - if she desperately wanted to go; if we moved abroad somewhere with no good schools (which is why my friend's brother went in the first place); if she turned out to have a particular talent; if I feel differently about not spending time with her when she's 13 and hormonal Wink then I would at least look at a couple to give it a fair consideration.

RoseGoldProsecco · 03/05/2017 08:13

I've just remembered looking at secondary schools when I was 10 and being desperate to go here because they had horses. Looks as if they've done away with the horses in favour of plasma screens and air con in all the bedrooms now!

www.qe.org

GloriaGilbert · 03/05/2017 08:18

Gloria - why do you barely see your 14 year old?

He's a day student at a school that offers boarding, so he's at school all the time.

YesILikeItToo · 03/05/2017 08:28

I had an interesting evening at a school reunion for my boarding school recently, asking people about this. Most people knew why their parents had chosen boarding for them, plenty people appreciated their parents choice, no-one was really considering boarding for their own kids. (Although a complicating factor there is that the consensus seemed to be that we, as a cohort, couldn't actually afford it now).

I would certainly consider it if life threw up a problem that a boarding school could solve, but I wouldn't choose it as an end in itself. (Except Eton - I've always wanted to go to Eton - could live my life vicariously through my male child....)

51howdidthathappen · 03/05/2017 08:29

A man I used to work for went to boarding school, from the age of six.
He told me, the first thing he learnt was how to cry silently in his bed.

So no.

shrunkenhead · 03/05/2017 08:38

No way, I value dd's mental. And. Physical health. Boarding schools are. Breeding grounds for eating disorders.

Screwinthetuna · 03/05/2017 08:38

Never

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