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AIBU?

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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
kittytom · 02/05/2017 19:42

No way!

For every independent, capable boarding school graduate there is a damaged, sad one.

Plus, just no way.

CormorantDevouringTime · 02/05/2017 19:43

I boarded from age 8 for very good reasons, and it was OK, but it was only OK because I knew that the reasons were good, and I knew perfectly well that my DPs (and especially my DM) counted every day until the holidays.

I'd only chose boarding with similarly very compelling reasons, not just because "it's a really good school". The strength of the reasons would have to be proportionate to the youth of the child - so if I were living on a remote Scottish island I might let a 12 year old board weekly, but if it was an 8 year old I'd move house. Weekly boarding for a 15 year old who lived for their sports might be a good enough reason.

Crumbs1 · 02/05/2017 19:45

My youngest four ended up boarding and absolutely loved it from week 2. It was all a bit strange in week 1 with new language, new routine, new people etc. They moved into years 10, 11 and 12 so had to fit into a very well established routine. The school was brilliant, great fun but highly academic at same time and found each child's talents and strengths. It was sort of forced on us by circumstances but in retrospect I'd happily send them again at 13. The advantages were enormous and it saved a lot of 'parents of teenagers' angst.

beansbananas · 02/05/2017 19:47

I definitely would send them to boarding school if it's what the children wanted and I thought as their mother, they would adapt well to that kind of environment. That doesn't make me a bad mother, or someone who doesn't want to look after my own children. I would miss them terribly. but I also want my children to have a good education, and best possible chance in life to achieve their ambitions. From my experience, you really do make the greatest of friends with people you've been away at school with, and have a great deal of fun along the way. I just think it's about matching the right school to the right child. Not all children will thrive in that environment, but those who do, absolutely love it and in my social circle have gone on to have successful careers and a very happy family life.

Jemimapuddleduk · 02/05/2017 19:49

Never

bookworm14 · 02/05/2017 19:51

Not in a million years. DH went to boarding school and was viciously bullied. Not that that doesn't happen at day schools, of course, but at least you can escape at the end of the day.

Diplomum · 02/05/2017 19:59

Absolutely yes. We have been serving overseas and the local school didn't suit my son so asked to go back to the UK to board in year 7. He loved every moment. There are so many extra curricular activities and friends always on hand. He missed us very much and we missed him but there are exeat weekends and half term so you are never apart that long. Our daughter decided to go back in year 7 as well, currently having a fabulous time too. You need to look really carefully at the schools and choose the right one that will meet your child's needs. We sent them to two different schools, not too far apart. We move back to the UK soon but they have both decided to weekly board, which they reckon is the best of both worlds.

drinkingtea · 02/05/2017 20:05

I boarded weekly from age 11 and enjoyed it. I asked to though as I was bored and constantly pestered and wound up by my sister at home and wanted to be with my friends - my parents never sent us to local schools and moved around a lot so I had no friends within walking distance at home, we lived in the arse end of nowhere from which it would have taken the who day to get to any friends' houses by public transport and my parents didn't see it as their job to drive me to friends' houses... I wanted to board and never once felt homesick or missed my parents... I suspect I was a very unsentimental child!

I conciously wanted different for my children even though I liked boarding. I don't want them to feel that disconnected from their home community in the first place - it was the disconnect which made it such an emotion free decision to board. We have always used the local schools and haven't moved since the eldest was a baby (DH has a long commute but we decided not to move closer) the children are very rooted in the local community. I like that and so do they. They have friends around all the time.

That said I'd let a secondary age child weekly board theoretically if they wanted to. Not primary and not termly. But weekly is theoretically fine.

I wouldn't want them to want to though because for me it was part of not feeling I belonged where I grew up and preferring being elsewhere.

Honeyandfizz · 02/05/2017 20:06

No. I had children to raise myself.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 02/05/2017 20:12

DD's prep does not offer boarding, but the secondary does. I am not planning to let her board, but if she wants to in the future then we will definitely consider it. Every child is different.

flyingpinkduckgirl · 02/05/2017 20:15

Primary age never, unless there was absolutely no option.
Secondary, if he REALLY wanted to go and was being offered opportunities that he couldn't get by staying at home eg. A specific stage school or sporting academy then I'd consider it.
Generally though I'm not keen, just feels too much like trying to get rid of your child.

BillSykesDog · 02/05/2017 20:18

I weekly boarded. It was very good for me only missed a small amount of time with my parents.

Frazzled2207 · 02/05/2017 20:23

No way unless child actively wanted it. Though I am sure boarding can be an enriching experience for some children.
How do you know for sure that your husband is like that because of his boarding experience. I think some public day schools could be similarly beneficial to children and that sounds a lot less harsh to me.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 02/05/2017 20:26

I boarded from 11 as did DH - we both absolutely loved our experience and I firmly believe my parents set me up for life with the experience. I would definitely Allow my children to board if it is what they wanted.

Chrisinthemorning · 02/05/2017 20:27

No I would miss him.

littlehandcuffs · 02/05/2017 20:28

I boarded and loved it, not damaged in any way. It depends on the child, if they don't settle you can remove them. HTH.

Sunshineandlaughter · 02/05/2017 20:30

No way.

I want my child to know they are loved and independent not just artificially independent because they've had to be

steff13 · 02/05/2017 20:32

Hogwarts, yes. Any other school, it would have to be a very, very special opportunity for us to consider it.

Silvertap · 02/05/2017 20:32

Totally depends on the child.

Our children are going to be day pupils at a boarding school. I can see a time at say 14/15 where they'll be at school so much they may as well sleep there if they want to!

Sunshineandlaughter · 02/05/2017 20:34

And it is definitely false to think that a boarding school automatically offers a better education - it depends on the actual school in question.

My friend acts a guardian in the U.K. To children who board and who don't have parents nearby - she has to buy them birthday cakes and give them cuddles and take them out for tea occasionally - how sad is that

Purplepicnic · 02/05/2017 20:37

Is boarding school a British thing? Do other countries do it? Anyone know?

Hefzi · 02/05/2017 20:37

Hell yes, if that was the best fit for their education. I went (scholarship to top girls' public school) and adored it. My mother actually became ill as a result because she was so beside herself - but was desperate that I should go as for her, education spelled the way out of poverty, and I was being offered the chance of the best education available to bright girls at that time. I wouldn't have changed a thing and would definitely consider it were I to have children who also seemed suited.

scaryteacher · 02/05/2017 20:39

sunshine Will you let yours go off to university?

I want my child to know they are loved and independent not just artificially independent because they've had to be My ds knew he was loved, but it was a case of boarding for sixth form, or moving him in Year 13, a term before A levels, which isn't really a brilliant idea, and I would consider far less loving.

I think you are treading on very thin ice suggesting those who send their kids to boarding school don't love them. Perhaps you think all military and diplomatic personnel should not marry and have kids?

Mumtobe12 · 02/05/2017 20:44

Depends on age I asked to go to boarding school for a levels because it was best academically. However I couldn't send my future child to boarding school before high school age as I feel they too young and would only send them if they really asked to go when older

annandale · 02/05/2017 20:45

Coming from a family with a big boarding tradition (for the boys) - only if there were no other option at all. In general, that is. I totally accept that there are individual children and individual families for which it is the right solution, also that there are children who beg to go. I just don't think that the number of children currently boarding and the number for whom it is the right solution match up - though the balance shifts at 14 and shifts again at 16. And it's a big bad thing to get wrong.

IMO there are very few halfway houses. I don't think weekly boarding is all that, for instance - it's completely artificial to have 'quality family time' as your only time together, in fact doing ordinary chores is often when we have our best conversations as a family. Also with kids, when you need your parents, you need them then and there, not in five days' time. Also if you move to send your child as a day pupil in a school with a big boarding culture, they are inevitably going to want to board - that may be OK but don't think it won't happen.

If your family has a culture of achieving, then the kids probably will achieve. My family, despite the boarding, doesn't have much of a tradition of doing anything Grin and the children who board end up doing the same sorts of jobs as the ones who don't.