If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

[VladmirsPoutine]

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

Never. Mine are due to start secondary in September and I cannot comprehend why you would send your children away.

I don' think speaking on the phone, skype etc compares to living in the same home.

Actually if i had had the funds i would have sent one of them at 13. They would have thrived. We have a prep near us that boards from 7! Cant imagine that.

Skype and facetime is just so forced compared to every day grumbles, grouses, hugs, daft conversations.

I agree with Yolo and I remain to be convinced. And I honestly think the effects take years to come out. I think boarding school has changed immensely all for the better since my day but kids do bottle things up and there's no denying that. Sometimes conversations have to be now and not at an exeat or whatever you call it. Because the moment passes and isn't right when everyone is all jolly at being home for the weekend. So there is a danger of supressing feelings I think. I only had to look at my DCs to know something was wrong, without that, I would've missed upsets.

I will say... parents of boarders on here have been great in discussing it. I still do not get it though, except in exceptional circs, i.e. forces families, niche interest like budding Wimbledon champion etc.

No. DP went to boarding school and doesn't really feel close to his family as a result, and doesn't even feel he is even "from" the town he grew up in since he was only there in summers after a certain age. It's really sad hearing about it, I could never put my DC through that.

So true Rosettes and who can even give them a cuddle if they've had a bad day (or just routinely)?

Dp loved boarding school. Couldn't wait to get back to school after the holidays.
The holidays were filled with happiness and days out and holidays and no inkling of real life was allowed to infiltrate those precious weeks when he was at home.

Dp thrived in school and when he left got a great career and yes any one meeting him for the first time could tell he had been to boarding school just by his demeanour but he got along with everyone and he had a great job and life was good. On the surface
I have been by his side since his early 20s and have seen the gradual descent.
He has always been very distant with his family. However he would insist they are very close. As would his family. They consider themselves very close. He calls his parents once per week. But recently when a very close family member died. Not only wasn't he told immediately he didn't go to the funeral. Doesn't even know where this person is buried. Yet he still insists they are a close family.

I looked at the boarding school survivors website and he ticks the boxes.

To the world he presents as a successful international businessman. The epitome of what boarding schools can produce. At home the cracks show.
He has no interaction with his children except for giving them money. He rarely if ever sits with us in the evening. He doesn't eat with us. Prefers to take a tray to a different room in the house.
He considers that he is very close to us all.
He has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and whilst everyone is different I would be wanting to squeeze every last drop out of life yet he sits in his room and wont go anywhere.

I am left wondering whether if he had gone to the local grammar school things would have turned out differently. He is very bright and would have got to the position he is in anyway. So cant think of any positives of going to boarding school.
The majority of people on this thread who are older who went to boarding school recognise the damage it did to them.

Those with childre

I believe parents should have the right to decide. My anti boarding views (but very pro day private schools) are just one view. Plenty of parents disagree and a good few children do do well at boarding school. I still don't agree however that the fact you now have a nice duvet, better meals and can call parents on skype and you don't get caned these days (and hopefully not buggered by staff) does not mean it is risk free.

Sometimes parents are so awful being away is a refuge for children. Sometimes neither parent after divorce wants the child (yes I know one poor boy in that category who therefore boarded - now grown up) . Sometimes parents choose an army career abroad and get school fees help and send the children to board. Sometimes it's useful to get children away something bad in the local area or school but it definitely removes your influence over them. After a slight increase following years of decline, boarding figures are now lower yet again by the way so a lot of parents take my view these days.

Those boarding schools hich allow weekly boarding are sometimes empty of just about everyone except those who are from say China at weekends so if you're not fluent in mandarin you might hope your parents will let you home. Others don't have weekly boarding at all.
The idea that attending someone's sports match on a Saturday afternoon is seeing your child is weird to me. Of course you see them but you don't have the day to day chances to be with the teenager that you do if they are at home. I accept that some teenagers just grunt at their parents at home and stay in their bed rooms a lot and some are chattier than others at home but I still prefer day schools (and I write as someone who could have afforded boarding fees). Also I do speak to teenagers who bioard regularly and it is not just in the past that childdren are affected. The children today talk about getting used to it, coping, managing and some say they would not send their children away. These are children in 2017 and of course are only those brave enough to say so. Most children have a massive pressure on them to pretend everything is wonderful as that is the ethos and also most want to please a parent who is sacrificing much for supposedly a better school and prospects. Some will love it and thrive however.

I can only relate it to my DCs... sometimes there would be some 'issue' at school (usually minor knowing my lot!) but it worried them! So off they would go in the morning to try and sort out the minor issue and when they came through the door I'd be saying "so what happened today, was so-and-so better, did she leave your pencil case alone" and DD would then rabbit on about what happened which although minor was life and death to her. This was endless with one child or another. It's the daily stuff that matters and I can't imagine not hearing it.

Oh, Oliversmumsarmy . I'm so sorry, that sounds awful.

p.s. this was at secondary school and I felt I was equipping them to fly the nest, go to Uni and deal with problems or whatever. I'm not talking primary, I think teen years are hard and they did sound off to me about 'stuff'

DD last night found out that someone she had worked with for the last few years had sadly died. She was a lovely lady. DD was in bits and to be able to put my arms round her and give her a hug made all the difference. I couldn't imagine not being able to do that

Very sorry your H is ill Oliversarmy.

My H would say similar, that he's "close to" his family, but contact is sporadic and they can only handle very short bursts of time together, eg a day (which actually works well for me as a model for time with the in laws )

All three siblings are emotionally distant and wish to spend relatively little time with their partners IME and IMO. One has no DC, the others are "hands on" and attentive with DC.

Definitely not

Many people who were unhappy at boarding shool wouldn't actually have been happier at home. My boarding school (11-18) had an ongoing joke of who had the most batshit families and certainly more girls crying and worried at the end of term about going home, than vice versa.

I'm sure that many of the children who have difficulty bonding with others would have had that anyway, and likely their parents would have had similar difficulties, meaning they were more likely to choose boarding - partly to provide different and better role models than they could be themselves. I certainly learnt about how I wanted to parent from various parents of my school friends, and boarding worked out well for me, possibly partly because circumstances meant it happened rather than feeling rejected by my parents. As an only child in a small town where I could never see friends outside school, I loved having friends around so much, even though I'm an introvert and need plenty of alone time, which was quite easy to arrange - boarding school grounds are big!

And the modern experience is totally different to the 1980s - safeguarding procedures are much tighter, practically all boarding schools have day pupils so have to make the experience of boarders more comparable, and mobile phones exist so the weekly letter home and then queuing for a phone box are replaced by daily chats with parents.

NotCitrus, I completely agree.

Those are big assumptions notcitrus, and I disagree with them.

Being upset about going home, for example, could well indicate negative emotional impact of school or having to make such big transitions.

A few of the girls I boarded with had tough home lives. Boarding school was definitely stability and predictability for them while allowing them to focus on their studies and build their independence.

One girl committed suicide at 15 but after her death her mother wrote to a few of us and told us that boarding school was the last resort for them as parents (she had been in therapy and hospitals previously) and she had loved her time with us. The diaries she left backed that up but her mum said she was very unwell from a young age, in and out of hospital but her two yrs in boarding school were the most stable and happy she had been.

Absolutely no way. It's not about being selfish because you'd miss them. It's about depriving your child of parental care. However excellent pastoral care is, unless there are severe problems in the home environment it will not compare to a parent's love and care.

Dozer Could be, but among people I knew well enough to know why, there were two that got sexually abused at home (in one case the grandparents paid for her to board to get her away from father, the other the parents might have suspected the violent much-older brother). Half a dozen parents going through nasty divorce cases. Lots of parents either out most of the time at work or their own hobbies, or just rather crap and distant.

Only having difficulty adjusting in one direction is rather telling. People were homesick and some did get upset for some time in Y7 and 8, or later - there wasn't the pressure to hide emotions like in a boys' school of the same era.

Most of the girls with mental health problems had them beforehand - certainly I was an angry depressed teenager but that's probably autism rather than school.

Boarding is probably unaffordable for us and I don't think there's likely to be much opportunity gained given we live in London so dcs could get themselves to activities once they are 11+. If they wanted to board for sixth form and got a generous enough scholarship and bursary, I wouldn't stop them.

Both my teenaged ds and dd are at boarding school. Their choice. They applied to both boarding and day schools and chose to board because the range of activities and the time in which to do them were so much greater in the boarding schools.

So far, they are thriving. We've been fortunate that our children each seem to have found a school that suits them, both with strong pastoral care. We are not millionaires and we did not enter into into this lightly; when we did, many of the sensible points that JanetBrown has made above were very much on our minds.

I appreciate this is just my personal experience and it's not for every parent/child - I just hate to see boarding school written off as being tantamount to neglect/abuse when our dc's experience of it is such a positive one. Also, when we see the housemasters, tutors and other staff in our dc's schools going to such lengths to ensure that it is positive.

There are ups and downs for my dc, of course, as there would be at any school but I do still feel as though I share in those ups and downs as I see them very regularly - ridiculously long holidays, plenty of weekends home (when they're not too busy to want to come!) and I go to nearly all of their matches, etc (although as JanetBrown says these are not quality 'bonding' occasions - I go to support them as I would if they were at day school - they are valuable all the same) and my dd calls every day (believe me, I still hear ALL of the "every day grumbles, grouses..daft conversations" and the minor stuff). Ds calls when he's particularly up or particularly down but is always happy to chat when I call him in between. It's much easier to pick up on the nuances of emotions on the phone than you might think - if they're down, I know it, can talk them though it - ask their housemaster/mistress/matron/best friend to look in on them and even if I can't hug them there and then, they know that I can get to school within the hour if needed...I admit we all miss the hugs but as Wankstainwasher (hilarious name! Presumably they save it up for the holidays?!) said, there are plenty of these when they do come home and time at home is all the more valued for being precious (and homework free!).

I love picking up both from school for weekends and breaks - a friend who also has boarding dc described the feeling as like going to meet a new boyfriend with whom you're completely smitten - it's just like that. I love the smart, chatty, sociable confidence that seems to grow and grow in them every term. I love having them around but I also love that when they are at school they are free to develop into these wonderfully independent beings - to make their own choices, good or bad: spend every free minute pursuing their interests, with their friends, playing sport, in the art school, smoking behind the bushes - whatever - without me hovering over them, yet knowing my feelings about all of the above and that I'm always a text away and can drop everything and get to them if ever needed. It certainly feels very healthy for our family and I feel no less of a mother for my children being away. I certainly don't think about them, plan for them or worry about them any less.

For their part, yes, there will be an element of coping and managing beyond that required in a day school - but I think that as teenagers this is no bad thing if underpinning this they have trust in and feel supported by their parents and school staff. I believe that social awareness that can be gained in boarding is invaluable - learning when you need your personal space and how to find it; appreciating when others need theirs; learning how to seek support from friends and knowing how to give it. Of course this comes at the cost of missing out on being in a more nurturing, forgiving family environment but I like to think that my dc have the benefit (and the flip sides) of both.

It is certainly not a decision not to be taken on a Malory Towers fuelled whim but we have no regrets. I wouldn't write it off OP!

Bonbon, being in boarding school did no damage to my parental care I can assure you. They were very much involved we spoke as much as I would have a home, I just did my own laundry and my meals were planned by someone else I guess during term time. I still spend a good chunk of the year at home, in my bed, ignoring my parents as much as a teenager possibly can.

I think the mistake people are making is that it's boarding school or parents. It's actually boarding school AND parents.