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AIBU?

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Original poster

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

515 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 02/05/2017 14:55

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like Hmm when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

OP posts:
witsender · 03/05/2017 20:35

I was a day pupil at a few boarding schools, and was always so glad to go home. Lovely schools, but it would have broken my heart to be away from home.

AlphaBites · 03/05/2017 20:39

No.

I was a weekly boarder at 13 and hated it so much, I got myself kicked out and returned as a day student. As a day student I was much happier.

I couldn't send mine away to boarding school.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/05/2017 20:48

OP, you asked about what long term effects there have been for me. Well, I just became too used to not leaning on my parents. I stopped confiding in my mother at all, it honesty didn't occur to me that I could talk things through with her, because I'd had to manage all on my own at 11. I can see now that I kept a distance between us, even when I really needed her in my twenties.

I think that level of independance at 11 is really unhealthy, it is forced rather than slowly gained over time. I love my DH and dcs but I like time on my own. I get really stressed if I don't have some time without anyone else around me. I don't like groups of people. I don't lean on anyone really, if I am sad. And I am conversely too keen to be likable and over-share with new people, a hark-back to having to find some friendliness in a dorm full of strangers.

It is the change in my relationship with my parents that is the saddest thing, the change in closeness. Which as they were loving and kind, feels heartbreaking now.

digitdisaster · 03/05/2017 20:54

Nope. No way. Never.

sexymuthafunker · 03/05/2017 20:57

No way.

gillybeanz · 03/05/2017 21:03

Sirvix

I'm sorry your experience was so bad, I think boarding schools of the past have a lot to answer for.

I must admit that one of my worries was losing the closeness and dd choosing to confide in others and not me.
This is one of our rules tbh.
When she stops talking to us, is the day she leaves.
Did you perhaps feel punished or sent away, not believing your parents would understand?

I think what many people need to realise it's not like in the past where children are eagerly awaiting a letter from their parents.
Boarding parents are very active in the schools, some help out like any other school.
I don't volunteer as she didn't want me to, but she'll call and ask me to meet for lunch or tea, especially if they've been really busy.
During the day she may skype if she has more time free than in the evening.
There are sports days, concerts and all manner of school events to attend.
They are completely transparent now, just like any other school.
Thank God they are miles away from the past 2/3 decades mentioned in all the survivor articles.

bunnylove99 · 03/05/2017 21:08

No I never would. I wouldn't want my children to live apart from me and I would miss them too much.

stoplickingthetelly · 03/05/2017 21:38

Never in a million years - even if I won Euro millions!

OrlandoTheCat · 03/05/2017 21:42

It depends on the child (whether you think they'd thrive in boarding environment etc), and on whether he/she wants to go.

I was an only child and got very lonely/bored at home. And i'd read too much Malory Towers. I was DESPERATE to go.

It took me a long time to settle into it. I was also pretty feral I think before I went to boarding school (aged 11), but boarding school made me much better at living with other people.

Dumbo412 · 03/05/2017 21:43

Fuck no. I'm all for private education, but no way would I allow my child to board.
Cmon I can't be the only one who knows how it ends for many people who were boarders.
Not only that, what's the point in having children if they are living away for 38 or however many weeks per year?

Private day education is the way to go. Best of both worlds

BadKnee · 03/05/2017 21:45

Yes. DD went - best thing ever. So happy, so free, such good friends.
If I could send my other children I would.

BadKnee · 03/05/2017 21:48

Oh and I am very close to my DD as are her friends to their mothers. School holiday are long.(Almost half the year)

(There are phones, texts, e-mails, Skype, visits, sports days, letter etc etc etc. They are not in a black hole for ten years!!!)

BadKnee · 03/05/2017 21:52

Oh and for all the horror stories about boarding there are horror stories of kids being bullied at day schools. My State comp was a jungle.I was damaged. Plenty of parents damage their kids and boarding school is a respite from home.

It depends on the home, the school and the child.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 03/05/2017 21:54

Never in a million years, children grow up ^very* fast, childhood is brief and special so why on Earth anyone would send their kids away baffles me.

BeALert · 03/05/2017 22:08

Oh and for all the horror stories about boarding there are horror stories of kids being bullied at day schools. My State comp was a jungle. I was damaged.

Indeed. My daughter was depressed and bored at the local school (which is the one of the 'best' schools in the state).

She's not depressed or bored at all at boarding school. She gets the challenge she needs.

And the moment she doesn't want to be there any more, she can come home, and we will find an alternative for her.

yolofish · 03/05/2017 22:21

I dont really know how to put this politely so will just say it: as others have said, if you'd asked me at the time, I would have said I was 'happy'. But actually that just meant I wasnt totally miserable. It's really only now, some 40 years after leaving boarding school and having not sent my own children that I realise the damage that was done to me and to my relationship with my parents (which I would always have said was very close). My/DH's relationship with our DDs is light years away from the relationship we both had with our parents at the time, and those relationships are diverging more and more, perhaps because we are now able to see what boarding did to us both.

gillybeanz · 03/05/2017 22:21

BeAlert

I'm so happy for her.

Mine is similar, not an only child but her siblings are grown up.
She still talks about her golden ticket and is still so enthusiastic. Any other school however good couldn't suit her needs.
Whilst that's the case she can stay, but it would be so cruel to let her stay if it wasn't.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/05/2017 22:33

Yes yolo, I feel the same as you.

AlexanderHamilton · 03/05/2017 22:37

Dd's school is full of children like gillybeanz whose families nevervin a million years would have contemplated boarding until their child was offered a "golden ticket"

Boys are especially keen to gain places as those with the particular talent dd's school specialised in can have a hard time in ordinary schools & can find it hard to access the right training.

There are of course children for whom it didn't work out. I know one girl who didn't last half a term. Others are unhappy but choose to stay because they feel it's worth it to get a chance at their dream. My own ds is not happy at a day school but wants to stay because he believes it's the school that will give him the best chance.

LuluJakey1 · 03/05/2017 22:38

I wouldn't but then I would ban private schools.

yolofish · 03/05/2017 22:41

vix. my mum and I have conversations about "how happy you were at x school" and I cant really disillusion her now she is almost 87 - it would be cruel. She gets upset when I even mildly criticise any aspect of it (like the low academic standards). My DB is much more honest. DH just doesnt talk to his parents about anything involving emotion at all.

allowlsthinkalot · 03/05/2017 22:54

Nope. I didn't have children for someone else to raise them. They need their family more than anything any school could offer.

WankStainWasher · 03/05/2017 23:43

I struggled with the thought of my children boarding (especially my "baby", I would have happily driven them to and from school every day, but in the end they both boarded by choice. The school wasn't too far away which meant they came home on weekends and I could go to all the sporting matches, etc. It made home time so much nicer because they never brought school work home. I got way more hugs, too!! It wasn't seen as "uncool" to show affection - so I always got hugged hello and goodbye. It was lovely seeing teenage boys hugging their mums and dads after thrashing each other on the rugby pitch.
No one way is perfect, it's what suits your child.

BeALert · 04/05/2017 00:18

I wouldn't but then I would ban private schools.

I would too.

My daughter's boarding school is however a state school. It just happens to be in a very remote location.

AlexanderHamilton · 04/05/2017 00:26

And my dd's receives state funding.