If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

[VladmirsPoutine]

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

I started off with the idea that DD wouldn't board however I always said that if she wanted to then we'd consider it. When she moved schools at 13 we had the choice of two mixed boarding schools or a private. girls only. day school.

Currently she leaves home at 7am and gets back at 6pm - due to extra prep or sport - and often we all wish she had taken up one of the weekly boarding options to save all the commuting.

However the trouble we found was that if you weekly board you're still going in on a Saturday morning and often afternoon if in teams (which she would be).

She has so many sporting commitments that we decided that having her at home on a weekend was the best thing.

I completely see why boarding is good for some children though. We have friends who have kids who begged to go - often so they can play enormous amounts of sport and want to be with their friends rather than in "boring" rural communities.

I'd say that in essence it should come down to if the child wants to do it.

"I'd say that in essence it should come down to if the child wants to do it."

I absolutely disagree. Children-even at 13-are not in a position to make such a momentous decision.

Absolutely not. Unless it was for a very specific thing they wanted to do ie sport etc or to meet any additional needs .

I cant see the point in having children then packing them off to boarding school

Bertrand- I agree with you. I would have said I was happy boarding, if you'd asked me at the time. It took me (and many fellow boarders) decades to see the damage that had been done. I was a cheerful child and I adjusted, made the best of it, just got on with things really. But it has had an effect of the rest of my life, and other than a life-long bond with a fellow boarder who is like a sister to me, I think those effects have been entirely negative.

The thing about sport and boarding schools is that a child who has a scholarship for a particular sport is under enormous pressure to perform. I can't imagine how that could impact upon a child's mental health.

SirVixofVixHall What life-long effects has it had on you?
Genuine question, not being snarky, I'm just curious. I happen to think dp is very repressed and keeping many things hidden and shut down in his mind because if he were to release them then he'd probably break down. Just my arm-chair psychologist analysis. But the thing is I too have issues from the past that I don't frequent so not sure whether or not his boarding is really a factor.

Have you googled Boarding School Syndrome Vladmirs?

No.
My mum and I had a discussion over this the other day as my cousin married an army officer And subsequently put her kids from her first marriage, then aged 7 and 9 into a boarding school whilst she went with him to his postings, 1 year in Ireland, 1 in Germany, living on the base. I get that it isn't ideal to move around from year to year but at those ages I would still take the negatives around that, rather than have them be away from me for so long-and it wasnt as if they were able to come home every other weekend or whatever-it was terms at a time.My mum thought it was fine.I was actually a bit shocked! It's the last thing I would contemplate for kids that young.

I boarded termly at age 10-14. I had a scholarship due to a talent. The school didn't specialise in this talent as such but they had a scholarship programme for this talent. Ironically, as this talent had to fit around the longer school day that they had I spent less time on the talent than I had done at home. Also, I have an ongoing dispute with my parents over why I needed to board to do this talent. There are very few talents/specialisms nowadays that can't be persued whilst living with your parents. There is a massive rift in my relationship with my parents due to how little I saw of them and my questions over their motives for sending me away (it came across to me like they just wanted an easy life and therefore wanted me out of the way). If you want a close relationship with your children you have to spend time with them and put in a bit of effort. Also, many of my friends who boarded appear to be very focused on achieving at the expense of their families or appear to have other emotional/mental health issues (anxiety, depression, eating disorders etc). I think it comes from a lack of emotional support and no one to help you organise/understand your day to day emotions so you are at risk of learning unhealthy ways to manage them. When I had my first child I experienced emotional flashbacks of being left at boarding school every time I left him with someone else. Apparently flashbacks are a common symptom of childhood trauma. Is all this really a risk you want to take with your children? I am super independent tho...people do comment on it.

Oh and if you'd have asked me at the time I'd have told you I was happy. I was actually struggling but I didn't have the emotional support to recognise that or the emotional intelligence at 10/11 years old to put my experience into words.

Dp loved boarding school and on paper it was good. Probably would have done the same academically if he had gone to the local grammar.

I have been with dp for nearly 40 years and whilst in his 20s and 30s if someone met him they could tell that he was ex boarding school, but apart from being secretive over minor things there wasn't any issues. However as soon as we added children or maybe as he got older issues started to escalate
I don't know if it was having children or his age but things began to change.

He is very detached from his own family (parents siblings aunties uncles) but would argue he is very close to them. But he never sees them ever. Doesnt go to funerals of very close family members.

At home he rarely speaks to the children other than to hand out cash.
When they were young he would go away for work and the children wouldn't realise he was gone.

He doesn't get involved with anyone at home preferring to eat his dinner in a separate room and only shout if we are disturbing him.

I know this is not normal but it is normal for him

Not unless it was Hogwarts.

Or the Chalet School

Urgh, I've got to the point where I am resigned to just winging it. Worst comes to the worst and I will take them on a cheap term time holiday homeschool for a few weeks.

Wrong thread, sorry. oh god, joking on an education thread in AIBU about sneaking the kids off school between house moves...I might name change

My DF went to boarding school from 10-18 and OliversMumsArmy's description is exactly like my DF when he was at home...totally disengaged regardless of what was happening around him. He claims he had work away from home a lot but I'm convinced that he was subconsciously attracted to these jobs where he had to work away as he couldnt handle being at home with us. I felt that he really did love me but just couldn't be around us day to day....very sad really. His sister also boarded from 10 and she has never managed to have a boyfriend let alone a long term relationship. She is a very independent and social person on every other level so it always strikes me as odd.

Really Bertrand? All my friends kids (including work colleagues) whose children have asked to board have thrived and seem to be having a great time. The one person whose daughter has hated boarding school was because she didn't want to go but was sent anyway because her twin went there. I still say horses for courses.

So many people on this thread keep saying that they can't understand why you'd want to pack your kids off. It's not like you don't see them! Our best friends have children at boarding school and she goes and watches every match and concert - at least once a week - and of course they are home for holidays and exeats. However they love being at school - the boy actually chose his boarding school without any input from his parents - and has told me how much he is enjoying it - especially the cricket every evening !

Dps db. Has never had a gf or even been on a date. He came home from boarding school where he had been from the age of 7-18
His dm said he cried and his weekly letter home was that he wanted to come home and not go back.

He only moved out at the age of 44 because the company he had worked for since he was 18 closed and he got another job miles away and had to move. He has stayed in this job and in the same house he bought since.

Dp spends so little time with his dc that he does not know them at all. Or rather he does not take on board what they are good at or bad at.
ATM we are having difficulties because ds has decided on a career path but dp is not happy and has made it clear that he wants him to consider either Law or Accountancy or something where ds can put a suit on and commute into the city to work. He has no idea that ds has dyslexia and dysgraphia and whilst that may not preclude him from these type of careers the fact he has no interest in academics, hates putting trousers with zips and buttons on and the idea of a buttoned up shirt and tie sends him running for the hills does.

Dp is horrified that ds wants to become in his words "a Tradesman"

I think the two things that put me off are

1. When they are very young, it just seems cruel. I can't help it, it just does

1. When they are older (teens), I actually think children in these years are incredibly vulnerable. They are under so much pressure and expectation. Add into the mix, not having your mum and dad (and siblings) to talk to after school or spot what's wrong, and the pressure of knowing they are forking out for you to be there, and I think it's a real recipe for disaster. Also, there have been so many stories of predatory teachers that it would make me sufficiently fearful. Again, you can't eliminate risk but if you are around every day, you can spot signs.

Yes, I do know a fair number of people who went to boarding school where ex-teachers have since been prosecuted. So maybe this makes me biased. But I can't escape what that must do to you.

Nope.
But I can see it as an option for forces children if it gives stability. One friend of mine went to 20 schools. She loved that but it's not for everyone.

I'd consider it if THEY wanted to got o a specialist school. E.g. a friend from school transfered to a music college at 14 and did gcse and a levels there. But only if the child wanted it.

If you look up things like the Boarding School Survivor's associaton and hear from all my psychiatrist father's patients experiences you can see some children are very hurt by the whole thing and I often hear from boarding school b oys who talk about I surived it. I coped and that kind of thing. They can build a carapace of coping. They tend to cleave unto their friends more than children at home and have a slightly more remote relationship with parents so it sets them apart and they will know their parents less simply because of less time spent with them. If those whom you love choose to send you away then no matter how nice the duvets it is still a distance. In essence it means more influence of teachers and your friends over you than your parents and in a sense no refuge each night to your own home and those whom you love and more a regimentalism of your life whatever your personality might be.

Given we have wonderful private day schools which very often exceed the boarding schools in so many ways I cannot really see why even if there is only a 1% chance your child might be damaged by boarding you would bother to risk it.

I agree with Janet that there are so many great day schools in the U.K. that you'd need to have a really compelling reason over and above "it's a good school" to take the risk with a younger child.

Sixth formers doing weekly boarding to facilitate, say, 6am swimming training for an Olympic hopeful, is a different kettle of fish. I went to university at 17 so would hardly get exercised about a 16 year old sleeping away 5 nights a week 7.

No way, no reason on earth would make me consider boarding for my children. I don't understand why anyone would have children, just to send them away. The damage that can be done, even if the child says they like/d it, is life altering. You can give your children a fabulous, well-rounded upbringing with time, energy, and love. Being rich helps Paying for them to be away from you is cruel, and speaks volumes. If a friend of mine said they were going to send their children off to boarding school then I'd have to seriously consider ending the friendship.

No.
I know a lot of ex boarders. Could be anecdotal but they are all v distant from their parents, struggle with romantic relationships and are in counselling.
On the surface, they are confident and successful.

No. Id feel bereft.