If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

[VladmirsPoutine]

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

I think it's down to the type of DC you have and your own values.
Op you value being successful over having emotional awareness. I know which one I think is more important and would strive to make sure my DC did not turn out like that.

I have teens and apart from the odd sleepover I see them everyday certainly never had the situation where I haven't seen them for weeks on end.
Nursery and school were only a few hours per day.

Whilst it is great being at boarding school the child centric holidays don't really teach about family life and the ups and downs of general family life. Dps family were like this. Holidays were all about what him and his sibling wanted to do. This is what has led to dps inability to function that well around our children or to cope with running out of milk or some minor mishap. His siblings never married or even had gfs.

How will these children cope if they have never seen how family life is if they marry someone who doesn't want to send their children to boarding school.

In dps case it has been the most awful experience he has ever had to live through. As he has got older it has got to the point where unless he is at work then he isn't happy.

It's not something I think I can give a black and white answer to.

At a basic level I'd consider anything if it was in my DS's best interests.

Fundamentally it depends on so many factors - what age/type of boarding/any specific educational or vocational additional needs they can deliver - but most of all if the child wants to board.

Right now I can't see any advantage in boarding for my DS vs his Grammer. However, things may change.

What if he wanted to do A levels his current school couldn't offer? Weekly boarding at that age to get the qualifications he wanted would definitely be an option - as long as he wanted that.

Some children do flourish, even from a young age at Boarding school. If your child wants to follow a specific vocation (ballet is a good example re: White Lodge, the school of the Royal Ballet - you start at 11 if you can gain a place) then frankly you may not have an alternative option if they are going to succeed in that field.

However, other children find boarding- especially term boarding- extremely difficult at any age.

There isn't a one size fits all answer here and I certainly don't believe parents who do this are inherently selfish - for many it's just as big a wrench as for the kids, but they do it because it's the best option in their circumstances.

I found a leaflet for a boarding school when my parents had been looking at secondary schools for me ages about 9. I begged and begged for them to let me go, thinking it would be like hogwarts or something also saw they had stables so naturally assumed my parents would get me a pony to keep me company I am so glad now that they didn't as I got bullied horribly at the private girls school they sent me too and the thought of not being able to escape from it in the evenings and weekends fills me with dread. I don't think I would still be here if I had been bullied when away from home, I was suicidal as it was, without the comfort of home I don't want to think of the consequences. My fathers side of the family have always boarded, but it stopped with my nana as she ran away too many times. If DD was older and wanted to do something specialised that was offered at a boarding school I would let her go if she wanted, but I would make sure I could go and get her at the drop of a hat. I know quite a lot of boarders, and I have to say they do all have an air about them which is hard to define, the majority of boarders I know enjoyed it, but for the ones who were bullied it scarred them for life.

She certainly doesn't sound deprived, gilly. Sounds like you've got everything very well worked out.

To me, getting along when nobody is making the effort is a life skill, though, and one that is different for a teen compared to a younger child, so I wouldn't have wanted mine to miss out on that.

I assume some things must have changed since my experience of boarding school? Presumably it is easier for them to get out and move around freely in the local community? In my day, even at 15 or 16 you could only go out three times a week, you had to go with somebody else and sign out to say exactly where you were going? To me, this seemed like infantilising but am assuming things have changed greatly.

How easy is it for a 16yo to get a pt job? To socialise with friends outside the school in the evenings?

It would depend on the child, their age, the facilities and the reasons. As an alternative to very frequent moves, it makes sense. If it gave opportunities that weren't available another way, it would make sense. I think emotional self-reliance is a good thing. For a child who struggles socially it sounds like imprisonment in hell. I would have been desperately unhappy with no way to escape, but that's not to say another child with a different personality wouldn't absolutely thrive there.

No. Especially before sixth form. I boarded and I think it damaged my relationships with my parents, particularly with my mother. I also don't think it did me any favours academically, I was too stressed. Sixth form could be different for some children I suppose, but I strongly feel that to thrive, children need contact with someone who really loves them, not from someone paid to care for them.

cory

No, not changed that much
I like that they are accompanied by another child though. I'd hate dd to be wandering around the city by herself.
I'm sure you can imagine with child protection and welfare being much stricter than the past, they can't fart without signing in and out

I know you aren't judgemental and that's lovely
It's hard enough kissing them goodbye without thinking that people think you don't love your children.
I just try and keep myself busy, but knowing we have done right by her doesn't always make it easier.
She was given a huge opportunity and boarding wasn't on our radar either.
I wasn't as open minded as some on here, I was one of the vociferous never in a million years, I love her too much type.
Funny how your principles go out the door when it's something suitable for your child.

Totally I would if I felt they were the right child for it.

My brother would have thrived at boarding school for instance but my parents couldn't stretch the finances. He went to a top London day school instead. I would not have done well. I had the option age 16 and decided against it.

I think schools must have changed since my dad was sent off age 7. He is definitely emotionally distant but a good dad in many ways and did very well career wise.

His old school (Malvern College) now costs £30k a year so there is no chance our children will be able to go! The local state school is fine for them!

Cousins and friends who have been seem perfectly normal emotionally although who can say what they are like to their partners?

I would if it was a good school, kept them safe, she was a teenager and really wanted it. All the people I know who went to boarding school were very independent from their family at a young age and I think that's a good thing.

"I like that they are accompanied by another child though. I'd hate dd to be wandering around the city by herself."

Even at 15 or 16? That's when I really wanted mine to become streetwise in preparation for uni/adulthood. As a uni lecturer I see enough of inexperienced young people struggling with the basics and being petrified by the thought of being on their own in the big city. Interferes no end with their studies.

"I'm sure you can imagine with child protection and welfare being much stricter than the past, they can't fart without signing in and out"

I would have hated this and so would ds. Yes, to saying "I'm off to the gym, I'll be back for supper", that's just manners when you live in a family. But not being able to run down the shops for something on the spur of a moment would have felt like prison to both of us.

I want my children to be, in an age appropriate way, fully functioning, active, contributing members of our family community in good times and bad. I want them to see how a family works. I want them to have increasing independence s individuals, agreed between them and me.

Children at boarding school will not get this.

Yes, if she wanted to go - absolutely. I went to a boarding school (but as a day pupil) and it was a lovely school. But I'd never make her go. Weekly boarding maybe.

that last bit of Bertrand's rings a bell

I wanted the negotiation of gradually increased liberties to be part of their experience, because it's a good preparation for future negotiations and can help with a sense of responsibility

when ds (16) wants to go to the gym in the evening, I want him to weigh up the pros and cons, potential dangers and inconveniences of the walk, cost and availability of buses, balanced against the need to do homework. I am there to make sure no completely hairbrained decisions are made, but he does the workings-out

in a boarding school, naturally, you can't have that: you have to have Rules

when he is invited to a party, I want him to consider, together with me, how this is going to work out, how will he deal with the ready availability of alcohol and possible ditto of drugs, how will he get home safely, what will he do if there is an emergency (e.g. a friend overindulging). I want to be there to have that discussion with him at the relevant time, but I also want him to learn from the experience

also part-time jobs can be very useful in the same way

Note that I am absolutely not saying you cannot learn independence and decision-making at boarding school. But these are resources I do have available at home, might as well recognise them.

I am from a country where the best schools are all boarding schools, so it is perfectly normal for parents to choose a boarding school if they want the best academic outcomes for their children. My whole country is not emotionally stunted, far from it.

I no longer live in my home country, and did not plan for my own child to board because boarding is very unusual in the country we live in currently.

And then surprise, surprise, we discovered that he has a unique talent in a sport that is not played in the country we live in. And yet he loves it so much he wants to make a career in it. Different experts have told us he has a really good shot go all the way, because he has more than an abundance of talent. So he is now at boarding school in the UK, where he started age 11.

He is now 14. I have watched him blossom into a really great kid, who is ambitious and passionate and loves his sport and also enjoys all the other things that the school offers. He has made friends with so many kids, and has found shared passions. I love that his school has kids from other countries and other races too who all share values of excellence and kindness, loyalty and teamwork. Unlike UK schools which are really dreadful with language, the school is great with languages and he is in fact the only one in his set for a language that he has spoken since age 3.

I miss him terribly. Of course i do. And of course I love my son. But the school he is at is absolutely the best for the person he is now, and for and the rounded athlete wants be. Nothing is certain but I will never regret giving him the best start possible for this particular field. And he loves, loves his school.

I totally understand why others would have made different choices, and do make different choices. But I don't understand the virulent judgement of parents and children whose situations you do not know.

There is one great side effect of boarding school which I really love: they tend to have long end of term holidays, as well as lots of exeat weekends, and a really long summer holiday. Believe me, the more you pay, the less they go :) It really suits our family, and we could not be happier with our choice, or prouder of our son who is bright and believes in excellence, while being kind and emotionally well-adjusted with a healthy self-esteem, and is spoken of affectionately by his teachers and friends.

Of course the other thing is that not all boarders stick to the rules. DH and I both certainly had - and took - far more opportunities for under age smoking, drinking, drugs and sex than our DDs ever had as a result of not going to boarding school. Our parents would have been absolutely horrified at the goings-on.

I am from a country where the best schools are all boarding schools, so it is perfectly normal for parents to choose a boarding school if they want the best academic outcomes for their children. My whole country is not emotionally stunted, far from it.

Is this the state system for everyone or does this mean the best schools are only available to a subset of the population those who can afford it (which would mitigate against the whole country being affected)?

If the state system is boarding based for practical/geographic reasons then I would expect the dynamics around it to be different.

They actually seem more like family than their own families iyswim?

Well, to all intents and purposes they ARE family, more so than their own families. They must have spent every waking hour together for their formative years.

I wouldn't want to send my kids to boarding school, but I know what you mean about admiring the independent spirit people seem to develop. I wonder if you could encourage that by sending kids to a "normal" day school but giving them the option of an American-style summer camp where they get to stay away from home for a few weeks at a time?

I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like when I say this.

Slightly off-topic and overly personal, but are you sure you want to have kids with someone like this? He doesn't seem to have the slightest inkling of understanding why you might want to actually have your children around... What you've described are the greatest joys of being a parent! If he doesn't get that, his emotional detachment might be too much to overcome.

Is this the state system for everyone or does this mean the best schools are only available to a subset of the population those who can afford it (which would mitigate against the whole country being affected)

For most of my country's existence as a modern nation, the state schools (what we call here government schools) were segregated according to race. So to go to a good state school you basically had be white. The state schools for black children were poorly resourced with up to 60 kids n a class etc etc. In response, different churches, Catholics, Anglicans etc set up boarding schools to educate black children who were not able to go to the government schools. There was and still is fierce competition to get into these schools, and it has become an established part of our education culture that you get the best education from these "mission schools".

I would say these schools have educated about half the country's children, from all backgrounds. There are also government boarding schools, but the are not as good as the mission schools in terms of academic results.

So it is perfectly normal, even expected go to boarding school in my country, no one bats an eyelid or assumes that you do not "love your children".

Oh, and when my children go out they are not "wandering the streets alone" They are doing something or going somewhere........

Bertrand my child at boarding school gets this. why would you think they wouldn't.

Fair enough if they never went home or had no family or interaction at all.

I suppose we can only talk of our own experiences and those we hear of.
I think they all must have variances.
At my dd school there freedom increases with age, so until Y7 accompanied by an adult, Y8 can go out with another child or two.
Then progresses as they get older.
6th formers go to the pub or a party at someones house, there are quite a few local dc at the school.
They can go out at lunch time/ free time but have to sign out and in for fire/ h&s reasons, just like any school, they need to know where your child is.

I paid 5 sets of day school fees and those schools have as good facilities and as good exam results as the leading boarding schools so why pay to spend less time with your teenagers? Academic day schools have worked out fine (and yes my children could have boarded).

I don't think it helps to give my anti boarding views here as parents choose boarding and they think that works for their children so let us all just make our own choices but there are certainly pros and cons.

If you earn enough to pay school fees or your partner does then I think yes pay but consider the absolutely wonder public and private day schools we have which very often out do the boarding schools in exam results and facilities.

DaemonPantalaemon OK I understand better, in my head that is not so far off needing boarding for practical/geographic reasons and the community deals with it differently.

In most European mainland areas you can get a good education without boarding and in that scenario I struggle to see the advantages of boarding.

We evaluate every term, I couldn't have her there if she was unhappy or it stopped working for her.
She's happy with this as otherwise we wouldn't have agreed for her to go.
We have rules she has to obey to continue at the school, none are anything to do with achievement though, except for not achieving anything as that would be a waste of time and obviously the wrong environment.
The one thing I'm not looking forward to is the time she asks to go to xxx home in Russia, China, America for part of the holidays.
I know some do and I suppose it's great, but I like hr at home for holidays.
I may change my mind when she's older though.