If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school?

[VladmirsPoutine]

My DP is public / boarding school educated. I'll be honest and admit I was shocked as fuck when I found this out. He's now something of a very high flier with views I don't necessarily share but we work it out nonetheless.

On the subject of our future dc he said he'd be happy for them to board. I don't agree with this largely because I think I'd miss them too much.

Do you think you'd send your dc to boarding school given the chance?
I'm not really able to say why I disagree with it other than I would like to see them every night and tuck them in, do homework, have dinner and so forth.

Dp looks at me like when I say this. He says of course I can have all that but I think he just wants them to have what he had and as he says he hasn't turned out too bad; he's right - he hasn't.

My nearly 15 yr olds spirts have drastically dropped off compared to a few years ago. He comes home and wants to spend all of his time in his room on his phone or on xbox with his mates. We hardly see him.

Tbh, boarding for 6th form is looking more and more attractive. Wifi is only in common rooms. He'd be getting a good education, great sports and facilities and actually be able to spend face to face time with friends instead of on his own most of the time.

Thinking about it.

No absolutely not, I'd miss them way too much. And I think it can arrest emotional development and the ability to have close emotional relationships (going by my XH and all his family).

No. I taught in one.

After 13, IF the child really wants to go and it's weekly - then fine for others, but not for me.

If opportunity presented itself would you send your DC to boarding school

I would think it was a last resort rather than an opportunity.
Agree with others who say it doesn't promote emotional development. Dp, boarding school from 7years old, reacts to everyday family stuff like the end of the world has just been announced. Run out of milk, dropped a cup etc are things he cant comprehend. He stands in the middle of the kitchen unable to function.
He is brilliant at his job but anything that doesn't involve academics or work he responds either in disbelief or like a petulant teen.

There is more to life than a brilliant education.

Different views as expected. No one in my family has been to boarding school, so could say it's never been on my radar. One of my relations got a admin role at a boarding school some years ago. She kept saying she'd loved to have had the money to send my DD there. This clearly wasn't a possibility and one of those theoretical conversations, but v much an assumption that I'd be in the camp of wow wouldn't that be amazing. As it goes I can't even imagine it. I wouldn't knock other people's choices and clearly some people loved their time at boarding school. I just think I'd still be happy with a decent state school regardless of my income.

No way on Gods earth would I! Makes me feel sick the stomach to be honest. It's bad enough sending them out to school every day! My kids need their parents and no way would I send them away like that. Never!

I made a brief stay in a boarding school as a teen and while I could see that the opportunities were great, I didn't think then and don't think now that it was any more interesting or educational than the everyday experience of living with my parents and siblings.

I don't feel that I can't keep up with my colleagues on an intellectual level. And I do feel my own marriage has benefited enormously from having been able to observe on a day to day level (not just during holidays or weekends) how another couple (my parents) dealt with their difficulties and solved their problems together. Same goes for dh. Dh and I are also much better cooks and budgetters than I think we could have been merely from classes in domestic science.

I like to think that we have been able to give our dc something similar.

I am sure not everybody who boards has a bad experience. But I do feel what we could offer here at home was something pretty good.

I woke up every morning with all my friends around. The mischief we got up to (mischief is the best word because it really was innocent stuff but such a laugh). I still remember the butterflies of driving back into school after being at home and I LOVED being at home, I had the best childhood there, but it was so exciting coming back. Mine was mixed so we had great friendships with the boarder boys. There was ALWAYS stuff going on. On the weekends we'd go into the city on the bus with friends, visit friends and relatives for a big feed up on a Sunday, there were things like after dark mixed hockey games or late evening swimming. We'd make tea and eat biscuits sitting around together with the boys for hours (they were only allowed as far as the seating areas in the front hall). At night we'd be dodging the teachers on duty to whisper and gossip in each other's beds. There was SO much fun most of the time. Our schoolwork and sports activities were just there so very accessible. Even going to the laundry rooms and making our beds and being responsible for ourselves was a great experience.

It really was 6 amazing years of my life.

Never in a million years. Under no circumstances. Ever.

But I do feel what we could offer here at home was something pretty good.

Yes, this is what I think. The opportunities afforded by becoming an adult, neatly fixed inside a loving family, and learning how to chug along with the constant, everyday demands and compromises necessitated by family life, is hugely underrated.

This idea that children are saved from the burden of having their family under their feet so that they can get on with acquiring knowledge with greater efficiency seems odd to me. It's not a trade I would ever make.

We went to look at a boarding school for DS.

I don't know why really. We never really wanted it. But open mind and all that.

It was ( still is) a fabulous school. No question. But the idea that DS wouldn't see us for long stints at a time seemed absurd. And the school's view that this was A Good Thing ( as opposed to a necessary thing) was so outdated and contrary to all research, I ended up just laughing.

The teen years can be difficult. Young people are going through huge physical and emotional changes. The pressures on them during that period are massive and diverse. As a parent I wanted to be ever vigilant during that time.

Some children are better off with a 24 hour curriculum. Some children do not cope with a typical family environment. Some children live a long way from a school that will give them the chance of an independent adult life (instead of being institutionalised with severe mental health issues). The family could move but that could mean no jobs, nowhere to live, losing a support network and could create problems with other children in the family as well as creating more difficulties for a child who already has severe difficulties.
It is not as straight forward as some people think.

Sleepy, absolutely see why you might have to consider boarding in cases of certain SN or health issues, or in the case of families posted abroad.

But the question in this thread was "would you" (so presumably someone who hadn't already been forced to) "consider this if opportunity presented itself?" In other words, would you do it just because you could, rather than because you had to?

I wouldn't. That doesn't mean I would judge anyone who had. I don't judge people who take their children to hospital: I'm just not going to take mine unless they have a problem that needs a hospital.

I think you went to my school jaxing!

i have never understood parents who send their child to boarding school. I think it's one of the worst things ever you could do to a child, dont get this at all.

Those who wouldn't even think about it, have you never used nurseries, schools etc and been away from your children? Have you teens that you don't see from one week to the next.

Yes, it's hard but you sort of get used to it.
You never stop missing them, but like others have said it gets easier.
As for family life, I've found I spend more time with dd than some of her friends who are at home.
The time we spend with her is completely her time, no work, domestics etc.
The holidays are much longer than state schools, add on to this exeat and weekends, we see as much of her as we would if she was at home.

We speak on phone or Skype every night, and I'm never worried where she is or what she's doing. Having raised 2 dc previously this is worth a weight in gold

Her friends are lovely and the whole school like one tight knit family who look out for each other.
I'm so glad we allowed her to go.
I don't suppose it's for everyone, but a lot of the assumptions or comments about previous experiences have no bearing on present day.

My dd went back on Monday and since then I've had endless texts of things I have to do, from school and dd. I'm running around sorting things out for her because she has no time.
I have a stack of washing she forgot to put in Laundry and am presently wading through the Y9 options for next year, that has to be in soon.
I'm organising days out with friends, birthdays etc and the long almost 10 week summer holiday, where once again we'll spend all that time together, when many others will be working, using childcare and not seeing their dc very much.

I agree Cory but I think there are a few comments on here such the I love my children etc which are on the judgemental side.
Someone I know has a severely disabled adult child who went to residential school from about 11. It still upsets her now when she talks about it even though it has meant as an adult, he now has a happy life and so she knows it was the right choice

It's very difficult to discuss this sort of things when there are boarding school parents on the thread-perhaps it's just best not to.

To all those who say they couldn't send their child "because I'd miss them too much" - it's not about you.

gillybeanz, this is probably what would most put me off:

"The time we spend with her is completely her time, no work, domestics etc."

I felt I learnt so much from living through the everyday, boring, sometimes stressful life of a family myself- seeing how my parents coped, with us and with each other, when we were all busy and having to negotiate around everybody's different lives. These ime are skills I would like to pass onto my own dc, and particularly when they are teens so able to understand it all in a more mature way.

We had 10 weeks holidays too (different country and parents were teachers) and that was lovely, but it was a different learning experience from "everyday".

Not saying you are wrong, but this is why I am glad we did what we did.

Saddlesore Wed 03-May-17 10:56:03
"To all those who say they couldn't send their child "because I'd miss them too much" - it's not about you."

I know this keeps getting repeated, but dh has actually told me how much it meant to him that his parents did not take the offer of boarding school because his dad would miss him so much. His dad is long gone, but that feeling of contributing to somebody's happiness was something dh experienced as very positive and that still stays with him.

(and no, it did not make him feel he couldn't move away as an adult- different situation and they both knew that)

I boarded from 10 and loved it. I remember getting into a school I really wanted to go to around the age of 13 but them then saying they only had day places. I was horrified and decided not to go.

My kids may board. Only from 13 and only if they want to but it's definitely an option.

Like you OP, my DH didn't go and is much less convinced than me.

As PP's have said most boarding schools offer flex-boarding these days which would enable the kids to sleep at school on nights when they had matches / extra curricular stuff going on and come home on days when they finished earlier. Massive bonus in my book!

cory

She sees this too and did before starting school.
There are plenty of boring times at home, she sees how me and dh relate to each other.
She sees her brothers and they take time off work to spend with her, which they wouldn't do if she was at home more.
She certainly has to negotiate around others lives when she is at home, and do things we need/have to do as well.

I think what I'm trying to say is we make the effort, rather than just drifting along, which we'd do if she was here all the time.

It works great for us and I can see why it wouldn't for everyone though.
The main thing is we are 45 min away, so can go meet up for lunch, tea, or night at the opera Never far away in an emergency.
I/we go to all school events and if there's ever a problem we know about it straight away, and have just as many daily decisions to make as when she was at state school or H.ed.

DH and I both boarded, me from 10 and him from 11. My DB boarded from 7. DH's sister never went. My closest friend now is someone I was at school with - but we were never friends at school, in fact I didnt see her for 40 years but coincidence brought us together.

At the time, I just accepted it - Dad was forces. Lots of my school life was fun; DH hated most of his. However, in later years I think you realise what it does to you as a person. Independent, resilient, definitely. But you also learn very quickly to bottle things up, to build an armour around yourself and not let that armour down, both of which can be very damaging.

Now, in our mid-50s we both see more and more of the down sides. And we both agreed we would NEVER send our own DC. DD1 now at uni, seems to be a reasonably competent adult despite living at home til she was nearly 20.