AIBU to uninvite these children from DDs Party?

[Justwondering1]

DD is in Year 7, she is genuinely a lovely girl, incredibly kind and thoughtful though a bit socially awkward and can be over sensitive. She has been struggling to make friends, there are a couple of cliques already in her class which she is not included in and then a few stragglers. She is struggling with feeling left out and not having made any really friends and feels everyone else is in groups. We talked a lot over Easter about making an effort to be friendly, joining in wth groups, trying not to feel shy and self conscious.

Her 12th birthday party is on Sat and we have invited 12 girls. She's just called me in tears because (not for the first time) she sat down in the classroom (got there early to try to sit with new people as we had encouraged her to do) and the girls around her tried to make her move away because they wanted another child in their "clique" to sit in DD seat. The seats were unallocated as it is the start of term. DD got upset, wouldn't move but said she spent the lesson trying not to cry. She's so upset and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm worried about her getting more and more isolated but don't know what to say to help her.

DH is furious, says if these children can't even bear to sit next to DD, why should they come to her party. Why should they be rewarded for treating her unkindly. He is all for emailing their parents and saying they are no longer welcome. I'm worried this would just make things harder for her in the long run.

Any advice on this or generally on Year 7 friendships gratefully received...

I think I would too. The parents need to know these girls are being unkind to your dd-this kind of bullying is so invasive. Cancel the party and go on a Mummy daughter spa day or something with perhaps one friend.

I think it was just that they wantes ti sit beside their friend rather than not beside DD.

What does SHE want, rather than DH?

That's horrible and hurtful and I detest bullying (which this is) but my advice is to go ahead with the party invitations. She can move away from this friendship and establish new ones in her own time.

Not saying it was ideal behaviour. Girls that age are err still developing kindness

I think that is how they would position it TheMonkey. But it keeps happening, when she's already sat down in a seat and then they try and move her. It makes me feel so sad for her. Apparently she said "Do you really hate me so much that you can't even sit next to me?". Not the most helpful reaction but I think shows how rejected she is feeling.

I will talk to her when she gets home about what she wants to do.

Kids can be so cruel, I was one of the left out Ines in school and it's so so hard.

Abbey talk to your DD and see if she still wants the party? She's the one who will have to live with the fallout at school if the decision doesn't go well for her.

Have you met any of the other kids parents? Could you mention to them that she's really struggling with friendships? Maybe they could talk to their kids about being more sensitive.

Good luck OP x

I'm with your DH. They won't even let your dd sit near them, Yet she'll be good enough for them, when. They're eating all the food at her party.
Kids can so bloody wicked.
Also with much respect. You can't tell her not to be shy and self conscious. Its not a choice, you know.

They sound really mean - your poor Dd. I would say that uninviting them would probably make matters worse - it certainly won't improve your dd's popularity. It might be best to try and style it out, quietly making a note to self of what you can expect from those particular girls in future.

Are there other, nicer girls who will be there? Can she focus on those during the party?

I think she will still want the party. MY DH is just talking about uninviting this group of 5 or so who were involved today.

Unfortunately don't know the other kids parents - secondary school is so different that way.

My heart just aches at the thought of her feeling so lonely and left out but I really want to avoid making things worse for her in the long run.

Your dh is off his head, sorry, that would not remotely help!

Have the party, get contact details of the parents if you can, encourage dd to invite some of them individually another time, keep listening to her and help her work out some strategies. Year 7 can be tough, so I do sympathise but your dhs approach won't work!

Well the risk of not inviting is that your dd is the one who has to bear the brunt of the fallout.

I would be speaking to the school about this and encourage your dd to form friendships outside of school.

What makes you think they will even turn up for the party OP? Also excluding someone they don't want to be friends with isn't exactly bullying. They have as much right to choose their friends as any other child. Asking her to move, however, is not on.

And uninviting them will make matters so much worse plus it's really rude. This book is supposed to be good:

www.amazon.co.uk/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-boyfriends-realities/dp/0749924373/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=KT32QEMQ01QVMMS1FGTY&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I wouldn't cancel four days before tbh or uninvite kids, much as though I agree with your DH in principle. Unless it is making DD anxious, I would go ahead with the party as planned, paint on bright smile (fake out til you make it) and just get through Sat hopefully giving DD a party, memorable for the right reasons. It also gives you the chance to see how the dynamics are up close (but sit on your hands and gag DH cos Saturday won't be the right time or place yo bring up grievances or stage an intervention ).
All the best. I know it's hard.
As for advice...join as many extra curricular school clubs as she can. See if there is also a 'safe' room/a teacher-counsellor/librarian etc she can call on if it gets tough in breaktimes , take a book/magazine with her, she might find her 'tribe' that way.

Well their parents have accepted the invitation so I'm assuming they will turn up!

Of course we know they have a right to choose their friends. I just spent so much time trying to build DDs confidence over Easter, telling her that friendship groups are often fluid in secondary school, just make an effort to hang out with different people and be herself and all would be fine. She told me that is specifically why she went to the classroom early to get a seat and sit with new people. But it looks like I was wrong.

It would definitely be a good idea to get on to the school about this. Personally I would email them - address it to her form tutor and cc the head of year and student support. Keep a copy of the email and their reply. I have experience of similar with Dd. I had to make a real fuss before they started listening to me and eventually she moved classes.

Thanks GoldSpot. I have emailed her teacher. Will see what they suggest.

You weren't wrong, she just tried one strategy and it didn't work.
She needs to keep trying and you need to help her, which means holding her party, getting the contact details of some of the parents so you can invite any of the friends again and listening to her and helping her try other things.

Sorry, when I said get on to the school - I meant about your concerns in general - though certainly mention the seating incident. It's good to let them know if you are worried asap.

^ I was the 'safe' room and lots of my little ones came to me at lunchtimes "to keep you company Miss" (I was marking but happy enough to let them do stars and stamping or stapling etc). The regulars met each other that way and, apart from bad weather, went on to hang out with reach other which was nice to see. Others found refuge with our lovely librarian who would always have jobs for them. You don't have to be one of the so-called Cool Kids to survive year seven, you just need to find kids that are in the same boat and give them a chance.

Thanks GoldSpot - I'd already mentioned my concerns last term and she had been seeing the school counsellor but decided at the start of term that she felt it made her overthink things. And she was feeling more positive going in.

on Saturday. x

Thanks GinSwigmore, that's good advice. I will see what other extra-curricular clubs she can joins well.

argh - join as well

As a child who had this experience of early secondary school, fgs DO NOT let DH do this. It will completely inflame the situation and reduce if not eliminate any chance DD has of having an easy time with these girls.

From their side (and their parents' side) DD will be being mean to THEM by univiting them. They would probably say they are being kind to their mates by making sure one of them isn't left out, rather than excluding DD who isn't currently on their radar, which I would assume in a class of 30 doesn't only apply to your DD. Can you imagine the mileage they'll get out of being affronted by being banned from the party? Your poor DD will never hear the end of it...

You've already invited them, so focus on having a good party for DD and making sure that it's inclusive and your DH isn't looking daggers at the five girls the whole time. It might go some way to easing relations.

I managed to get through secondary by being on friendly terms with a group like this, but not in the group. I made other good friends, and I'd advise your DD to not take it so personally and look out for others who are open to being friends who are on her wavelength. A friendship might develop with the five girls over time, but the last thing she needs is a big drama that might really trigger DD becoming a negative focus.