AIBU to uninvite these children from DDs Party?

[Justwondering1]

DD is in Year 7, she is genuinely a lovely girl, incredibly kind and thoughtful though a bit socially awkward and can be over sensitive. She has been struggling to make friends, there are a couple of cliques already in her class which she is not included in and then a few stragglers. She is struggling with feeling left out and not having made any really friends and feels everyone else is in groups. We talked a lot over Easter about making an effort to be friendly, joining in wth groups, trying not to feel shy and self conscious.

Her 12th birthday party is on Sat and we have invited 12 girls. She's just called me in tears because (not for the first time) she sat down in the classroom (got there early to try to sit with new people as we had encouraged her to do) and the girls around her tried to make her move away because they wanted another child in their "clique" to sit in DD seat. The seats were unallocated as it is the start of term. DD got upset, wouldn't move but said she spent the lesson trying not to cry. She's so upset and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm worried about her getting more and more isolated but don't know what to say to help her.

DH is furious, says if these children can't even bear to sit next to DD, why should they come to her party. Why should they be rewarded for treating her unkindly. He is all for emailing their parents and saying they are no longer welcome. I'm worried this would just make things harder for her in the long run.

Any advice on this or generally on Year 7 friendships gratefully received...

Sorry didn't realise you'd already reached a resolution. Hope the party goes well OP and your DD finds some nice friends

I think in year 7 particularly, inviting girls she would like to know a bit better is fine, and a good idea. They go up in these tight little groups from primary, but lots of them are also looking at other girls and thinking that they might like to move away from the group they've come up in, or also make new friends. This is particularly true here where the primary schools are very small (rural area) and the high school quite large, but it does happen everywhere. Everything shakes up during year 7. Many of the groups in dd's year that seemed tight last year have now changed. Does she like any of the boys? I know boys of this age can be a biit "EEEK ! GIRLS...RUN.." But dd has a good friend who is a boy, who is more consistent and kind than a lot of the girls. Having mixed friendships can help too I think. Agree 12 is a very small pool, is that the whole yeargroup for her?

I feel for you Op. My DD invited around 6 girls (mainly new friends) for a birthday meal in yR 7, all initially accepted.

One girl (a friend all way through nursery/primary, but drifted apart in Yr 7) decided she wasnt coming (or maybe we hadnt invited her, cant remember actual detail) and proceeded to tell all others that they shouldn't go either!! So 4 girls actually recinded their acceptances just before the meal. It was awful, I really felt for DD.

But, we went with just the other 2, and had a lovely time.

She is now Yr12, almost 17, and has moved to college along with 2 friends who she became close to in Yr 10/11. The 3 went to Prom together, a summer festival and now travel to and socialise at and outside college together. She does see other school friends, who stayed at school or went to different colleges, but I would say that, of the girls she hung around with in Yr 7, only one girl is still a friend.

A friend whose DD is same age as mine, told me that her DD was excluded and treated quite nastily in Yr 8/9, by her so called friendship group. Girls can be nasty.

And YY to mixed groups. DS was never a lads lad, hated sport, always more friendly with girls through primary. He did have some male friends in early years at sec, but always quite fluid. By Yr 10 he was firmly ensconced in a mixed group, including some of his primary female friends. That group did Prom together, socialised all through 6th form, and are still friendly now at uni, eg travelling to each others uni for birthday celebrations.

He has settled really well at uni, has a mixed group of male and female friends, some of whom he met on day 1, and is thoroughly enjoying himself.

DD in year 7 didn't fit into any group. There was the cool group, dd by any stretch of the imagination is not cool. There was the swatty group, dd is not the brightest tool in the box. There was the group that were into weird music, there was the group that all came from one particular school
DD didn't fit in anywhere. She managed to find one girl who was in the stragglers then they soaked up the others from the stragglers . Then a few pairs of boys and girls broke away from the other groups over the years and joined dds group. They decided they were the dorky group. They were the group who didn't try drinking because they had trouble walking in a straight line sober without tripping over their own feet without adding alcohol to the mix. They were the ones who spent lessons wondering what was going on. (dd once spent an entire lesson wondering where others were and feeling really pleased with herself that she could do the lesson. Only to learn she was in a year 7 maths lesson and she was in year 10)
She went onto have a lovely time at school and keeps in touch with several of the freinds she made even though she doesn't go to the same college as anyone else.

Trying to fit into the cool kids group is wasting your time if you are not cool. Look at the stragglers and join them.

I suppose the girls may have found that a bit "weird" (favourite word of dd, 13)

And of my dd, 14! Until recently I had no idea things were like this in schools now with such tight groups. And the term 'friendship group' is new to me. My dd also says it's weird to invite or want to hang out with someone not in your 'friendship group' (which is difficult for her as she doesn't have one :-( )

Oh, yes! Me: "Do you know Hyacinth?" Dd: "She's not in my friendship group." No further discussion.

The only comfort is that one minute they can't possibly fraternise with someone because they're not already friends, and the next it's, "Can I go round to Hyacinth's after school?"

I am just gobsmacked really that it's so cliquey these days. I was at secondary school in the 80s and I don't remember it being like this. Or maybe I just didn't notice or didn't care.

I've always encouraged my dd, who has had similar issues, to be friendly to everyone, invite people home, make social arrangements to go out etc. But she's very cautious because she doesn't want to appear 'clingy' or 'stalkerish'. A few years ago I encouraged her to ask a few girls home for pizza and a DVD. One of them said it would be 'awkward' as it wasn't dd's birthday (WTAF??!) and didn't come. ONE came out of about 8 she asked

Why don't schools do more to break down these so-called groups? They spend enough time on PSHE FFS!

OP, I hope the party goes well. Your dd sounds lovely. Better to be like her than these nasty girls.

Dancergirl - I agree. It is much worse than when i was at school (swotty all girls). There were cliques but nothing like it is now. Kindness is very undervalued. Being one of the "popular" girls is the thing, even if that girl isn't very nice. We need to teach children that kindness matter above everything else. All the academic achievment in the world won't get you a happy marriage, or life-long friends. That takes kindness.

Y7 is really hard. Are none of her primary friends there at all?
Don't cancel the 5 or so invites. That will make it worse. Grin and bear it. It will get better. God, kids can be so nasty can't they?

I haven't read through all the posts so might be reappearing here but is there a local drama club she can go to? It might give her confidence and bring her out of herself. My dd is starting year 7 in Sept and is also very sensitive. She has just joined a drama club I'm hoping it will give her some confidence before she starts. Good luck, let us know how the party goes x

I'm so appreciating you sharing your experiences- it makes me feel better that DD isn't unusual in struggling with this. 'Clingy' is a new word she is using this year as well - as in worried people will say this about her if she tries to befriend them. It's so sad!

And kath I am appalled at you DD s friends backing out of her dinner - glad you managed to rescue it.

Her teacher called having spoken to DD and she is going to spend some time with her each week helping her to find ways to broaden her friendships - and have a non specific chat with the class about cliquiness - not sure whether that will change anything though. Still very grateful that she is getting involved.

DD has always been such a kind, empathetic child, she would honestly never dish this kind of behaviour out, she is always so aware of other people's feelings. Maybe her lack of toughness makes her a soft target though.

I will let you know how the party goes, thanks for all the brilliant support and advice

My daughter is age 13..:very socially awkward and inconfident. She's had serious issues with shyness and making friends. If this happened to her I would still invite the girls, it is a bit unreasonable to uninvite someone, but also its not going to help her. Maybe inviting them, spending time with her outside of school will help accept her into their cliques. There are cliques in all walks of life, you can't expect everyone to be your best friend. Useful lesson for children to learn.

I really wouldn't. Kids are kids and do mean things without even thinking. It's not bullying, for gods sake we need to build resilient children and to call this bullying make a mockery of the poor kids who really are. I understand it's hurtful but get DD to dust herself off and give it another go at her party, these kids are probably just as insecure as DD. It's heart wrenching but part of life.

year 7 girls can be cruel and insensitive. my daughter had a party when she was 12 and some gilrs were being very extremely horrible, I never had a big party ever again for them and just had a close two or three. I would cancel the party, and do something she really wants to do, its her day, give her the choice though, she may feel empowered by the decision

I totally agree with an earlier poster about the book - "Queen bees and wannabees" it has good suggestions and strategies to use. Very useful also to show girls that this is not just something that is happening to them, it is so common that someone has written a book about it. Definitely helped my DD, recommend letting your daughter read bits of it herself, that you are happy with. Good luck

The only advice I have is that parents interfering in relationships between girls at 12/13/14ish only seems to make things worse for the excluded child. My sister is coming out of the other end of this with her daughter - she could never stop herself from trying to "sort it out" and it really didn't made any difference - if anything it just made things worse. Do involve the school, make sure the staff are keeping an eye on the situation, and encourage your daughter to try new sports/hobbies with a view to expanding her social circle.

I haven't read all the replies so others may have said this, but apart from the party issue, I'd consider ringing the school and ask if the form tutor could ring you back to discuss the issues with the girls in your daughter's class. You don't need to make it a big issue/complaint, just make sure the teacher is aware there's an issue which is upsetting your daughter. If the form tutor isn't helpful try the head of year, or there may be someone responsible for pastoral care.

Re the party, I'd let your daughter decide. Personally I don't think I'd tell the other girls' parents that you are cancelling because of their daughters' behaviour because I'd be worried it might cause more problems. The party could help your daughter get to know these girls better, but it could be horribly stressful for her and, of course, there's the issue of rewarding girls who have upset your daughter. You could also consider postponing it until half term/summer and see how things go.

I hope things improve for your daughter soon.

Having taught this age group in a girls' school, I feel the school are somewhat at fault for not having seating plans. I teach sixth form now and while I don't generally seat them, I do sort it if one is left out!

Y7 is a tough year -

I told my kids that the popular girls are too busy arguing amongst themselves to notice anybody else and usually playing one up man ship games anyway

She needs to find her own friends - do the classes not mix for PE or cooking?

DD friends are in her maths group but not form group - she has lunch with them

DD2 friends are also in a different form but mainly mix outside school

She doesn't need a best friend - just a group to have lunch with -

I said to my DD when she told me she didn't have a best friend - that it just means the other girl hasn't found her yet

Now realising what my father meant when he said the hardest part of parenting wasn't the toddler and baby bit but when they are upset and there is NOTHING you can do about it.

We have sailed through to year 6, but our normally steady DD is now bursting into tears at home frequently because her lovely group has split in half with half joining up with the "cool girls" to being cool at 10. Totally agree with the building resilence comments above.

Sounds awful for her sorry.
Just to say, dd's friends are not from h errr class but they are bus buddies. She goes to a selective school too & lessons are mostly in silence so its break Tim es/bus journey that she's got to know people.
Do the school not have any lunchtime activities? Dds school play a bit of a film over several lunchtimes & they pay 50p. If not, could she start a lunch club?

I think socialising outside of school is a great idea.

Join a club and form a nice friendship outside of school. I know school is a big part of life and having strong friendships there would be ideal. But I found having a nice group of friends outside of school (dance class) meant I didn't 'need' to be in the in crowd at school. I was happy to pass the time with some friends (who I liked well enough but wasn't ever going to be best friends with) but my proper friends were outside of school. Easier to avoid peer pressure too.

Re current issue go ahead with the party. As it will likely make it worse not too. Although DH is right they don't deserve it but u want best outcome for DD.

Horrible for you and dd hope it is all resolved soon xx

I went to a small selective secondary school from an even smaller village primary and I was completely out of my depth socially. I was a year above my age and a May birthday, so almost 18 months younger than some of the others, which is a lot at this age, and I was an outsider. Most of the other girls had done primary at this school as well, and I didn't understand any of their behaviour; they were so different from the country kids I'd known before. I eventually found my own little band of stragglers and made some good friendships but I spent the first year feeling bullied and excluded. I built it up in my mind into a far bigger thing than it was; I recently found my year group in a private FB group and they're all perfectly nice people who either haven't a clue who I am or have nice memories of me, actually. Basically I sabotaged myself with my own social anxiety.
I was never happy at that school because it was much too posh for me. I never felt at home there. I moved to another less posh school three years later and had the same lovely experience as another poster up thread; I had someone to show me the ropes in the first week, she and her best friend adopted me, and we remained a threesome until we left school. I'm still in touch with one of them more than 40 years later.
All your dd needs is one person she clicks with. It's not so great being one of the popular girls anyway tbh; so much pressure; much better to find people she can be herself with. She'll find them if she can relax enough to see them. You're right, 12 is a very small pool, lovely if it works for you, not so much if it doesn't. Good advice to do all the extra-curricular stuff she's interested in to give herself more choice. At my second school we had a few good friends in the year above who we hung out with at break.