AIBU to uninvite these children from DDs Party?

[Justwondering1]

DD is in Year 7, she is genuinely a lovely girl, incredibly kind and thoughtful though a bit socially awkward and can be over sensitive. She has been struggling to make friends, there are a couple of cliques already in her class which she is not included in and then a few stragglers. She is struggling with feeling left out and not having made any really friends and feels everyone else is in groups. We talked a lot over Easter about making an effort to be friendly, joining in wth groups, trying not to feel shy and self conscious.

Her 12th birthday party is on Sat and we have invited 12 girls. She's just called me in tears because (not for the first time) she sat down in the classroom (got there early to try to sit with new people as we had encouraged her to do) and the girls around her tried to make her move away because they wanted another child in their "clique" to sit in DD seat. The seats were unallocated as it is the start of term. DD got upset, wouldn't move but said she spent the lesson trying not to cry. She's so upset and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm worried about her getting more and more isolated but don't know what to say to help her.

DH is furious, says if these children can't even bear to sit next to DD, why should they come to her party. Why should they be rewarded for treating her unkindly. He is all for emailing their parents and saying they are no longer welcome. I'm worried this would just make things harder for her in the long run.

Any advice on this or generally on Year 7 friendships gratefully received...

Sadly it's an important life lesson. They weren't saying she wasn't welcome more that they wanted their friend to sit there. It feels horrible but objectively they are not bullying her, just being Year 7s! I found it difficult to make friends in Year 7 but was voted Class Captain in Year 8. I didn't really make good friends until Year 9 though. If she's shy, don't make out that she needs to change, encourage her to join in but don't make her feel weird. Rather explain that a few good friends made slowly is better than being a member of a clique. If she'd moved, she might have found herself sat next to her new best friend. Don't cancel the party or the guests. It will give your DD and you to get to know these girls better. It may help settle things in her Year group too.

I definitely would not uninvite them.
I remember asking people to move seats so I could sit near my friends when I was in year 7. It is only when I look back now that I realise how horrible I must have made them feel when at the time, I genuinely just wanted to continue a convo/catch up with/copy homework from a friend.
It is quite possible these girls had no malicious intent and just aren't emotionally mature enough to understand how they must have made your DD feel. If you uninvite them I really don't think it will make them reconsider their actions. They have the majority to justify their actions to each other. What it will do is ensure that they don't attempt a friendship with your DD in the future which is not what you want.

Get her involved in something out of the bear pit of school and her own year group - sports, Guides, St John Ambulance, anything so that she meets new people and maybe older kids. Do you have colleagues with kids who go to different schools? Open her world up a bit and help her rise above this nonsense.

This sounds like typical yr 7 stuff though

Unfortunately it's not confined to Year 7. My dd is in Year 9 and still has similar issues and the girls seem just as cliquey. Sorry OP I don't want to be all doom and gloom and I really hope things improve for your dd but I wouldn't want anyone to be under the illusion that it magically gets better in Year 8.

It feels horrible but objectively they are not bullying her, just being Year 7s

Completely disagree, it's horrible behaviour that is not acceptable and should be nipped in the bud.

'Girls will be girls' eh?

Can you imagine an adult doing similar in a work meeting or something? Saving a seat for their friend? I'm not saying that 11/12 year old girls have the same maturity but that sort of behaviour should not be accepted. Girls have to accept that sometimes you can't always sit with your friends in lessons.

I'm another one who's been through it and come through the other side. The best advice my mum ever gave me on being myself was that the nice people always choose the nice people in the end.

At her age, I eventually swapped classes so I could be with people I got on better with. The biggest help for me was establishing friendship groups outside school. Aside from just having friends, it gave me the confidence to believe that I wasn't just fundamentally unlikable and that it was no longer the be-all and end-all to be friends with the cliques. But because I was more confident, I wasn't bullied/overlooked as much any more anyway.

Oh no your poor child. My DD is going to secondary school in September and I dread mean girls making her feel inadequate. I would message the parent and ask them to have a word with their dds as kindness costs nothing. You don't want to prolong the distress for child by doing nothing. Your husband is right, if they can't be kind and include your daughter they don't deserve her friendship.

NeopreneMermaid that is great advice from ur mum. Will remember that when my wee girl gets older.

Think the 'cool or naughty' kids may seem interesting but eventually the nice kids do find each other and more meaningful/fun friendships. Was how it happened in my school anyway.x

I've been on the receiving end of this sort of thing at school and it's awful.

However. I think the most important thing you can do (that I wish my mum had done!) is build up her own self confidence and resilience so that this sort of thing isn't an issue. It was mean behaviour but doesn't sound like they did it to be cruel. Also, and I mean this kindly and it's coming from someone who has been there - her reaction sounds really over the top. That sort of outburst isn't going to help. Just brush it off. Easier said than done I know.

Encourage her with and support her own interests so she's doing stuff she likes outside school.

If it helps, I've grown up to be a confident and popular adult- with no time for any mean-girl type drama.

as for party, I'd either cancel completely or let it continue as arranged and observe the dynamic for yourself perhaps?

And I definitely wouldn't contact parents - I understand the temptation but, just no. Social death at that age surely?

Personally I wouldn't want to risk her and her party being made miserable by a few whispering/giggling/excluding girls coming, to whom she is already sensitive. She should be able to relax completely at her own party, so if she feels ok about it, leave it as is. If she is hesitant at all, her birthday party wouldn't be the place I'd want her learning more 'life lessons', IYSWIM. Plenty of time to deal with all that mess when she's back in the classroom. Hope she has a lovely party, whatever you decide.

My eldest dd was absolutely desperate to be in with the "popular" crowd of girls at school, for that read mean, cruel, abusive girls. I could never understand it and what she put up with. I remember a work colleague telling me that she had run to my place of work when they had tipped coke all over her in town, laughing at her. She was dripping wet and humiliated. They even went into my work asking where she was and my colleague told them she had not been there. She was hiding in the kitchen.

She was going on a school trip to Paris the next day and she absolutely begged my colleague not to tell me because she knew I would not let her go.

They were all sleeping around and hanging out with older boys and drinking. Against my better judgement I let her have a sleepover. Three months later and she is pregnant at 14. She was totally out of her depth, they were more sophisticated than her and she was so terrified of being cast out from the group.

Sorry this is such a horrible tale op. I am so glad your dd has come to you for help and support. FGS cancel the party and do not entertain these girls who are so thoughtless of your dd's feelings.

My oldest Dd went through the whole of primary without really making any proper friends. She was excluded from the 'cool girls' gang and ridiculed for not wearing make up etc by the first year of high school.

We moved when she was 13 to the other end of the country and she started a new school where all the friend ship groups seemed well established. But she found other stragglers, she and they formed their own friendship group.

She's at uni now and making even more friends. It doesn't matter to her peers on her course what her hair is like, or what make up she wears or if she's wearing the 'right' kind of clothes. They are all there studying the same stuff and having an absolute ball.

DD2 has also struggled with friendships, she's very anxious but she has, over the last couple of years found a couple of good friends and is developing confidence daily. She's in year 6. There is already several cliques in her year and quite honestly I'm glad she's not part of that. DD has told me that a girl who lives opposite us told her that she wasn't to walk near her coming home from school. DD was actually walking with the girls brother but the girl didn't want to be seen with DD in front of her little gang. She was incredibly nasty to her and DD came home and told me what had happened. She actually just shrugged her shoulders and said 'well the next time she calls over for me she can just get lost!'.

That's my girl!

Your DD will find her way. However I totally understand why you wouldn't want these girls at her party and while I agree uninviting them could make it worse, it would stick in my throat to be nice to the gang of little bitches who can't even be civil to the girl whose party they are going to, in school.

Queen bees and wannabes is a great book for mums with teenage daughters. Working in a school it's not nice to see when someone is left out but they find their friends. Maybe ask the teacher to put the class in a seating plan and put DD next to someone nice. Lots of friends are made this way and avoids this problem. X

I would also suggest letting the parents know ( if you know any of them well enough for a civil conversation)
I was mortified to learn they DD2 was involved in this type of behaviour in Year 7. DD wasn't directly responsible for isolating the girl, but didn't say anything when others in the group did ( which is just as bad) The girl was going home very upset, feeling lonely and left out. Luckily the mother felt me reasonable enough to approach and let me know. Initially I let rip at DD, (only thing worse than one of my children being bullied is one of them being a bully etc etc) but after calming down and talking to her I genuinely think she just really didn't know how to deal with the situation. We talked about strategies which actually ended up empowering my DD as well as the other girl. I am happy to say, a year on they are still friendly, the girl is apparently happy in a new friendship group and so is my DD.

Not sure what to suggest about the party but I think it would be a good idea to flag this up with her tutor/HOY so that they can keep a subtle eye on things.

Good luck OP.

School can be so hard but she'll find her way and her true friends, in time, I'm sure. You sound like a supportive mum, so she's lucky to have you.

Just wondering how you got in with this and whether your daughter still wanted the party? My DD is 11. We had a similar experience with one girl last year that really hurt her confidence and self esteem. It got to a point where I had to step in and speak to the parent but this was done without any of the children being too aware that there was an issue. I didn't want my DD to feel ashamed or be targeted for that. I guess what I'm saying is that I think uninviting them may cause more resentment towards your daughter and may do more harm than good. I think I would let them come and make sure it was a great party, one for your daughter to be proud of and gain a bi of Street cred? It's not your job to parent the other girls or teach them a lesson so I think this approach is possibly more age appropriately affective(if that even makes sense lol) what a shame for your DD and you, it's so heartbreaking. :(

Your DH is right. Why on earth should they come & celebrate her birthday if they can't even bare to sit with her. They sound vile

elsieMc - wishing you and your daughter all the best for the future.
Watching this thread with interest as my just turned 11 year old dd longs for a best friend. She gets on well enough with everyone in her small class but the other girls are very much in set cliques and there are limited opportunities for good friends. As a pp said the toddler days are simple...

Wow! I really am so moved by how many of you have either been on the receiving end of this or are experiencing it with their DDs. I had similar experiences as a child but thought it was just me and DD had obviously inherited the vulnerability - clearly we are not alone. And many of the stories you share just make me so sad for these for children.

Elsiemc your poor daughter, what a tough time she has had.

I have ordered the book Queen Bees and Wannabes and spoken to DDs teacher who is going to keep an eye on things.

Party going ahead as planned on Saturday - keeping everything crossed that it goes smoothly. And I've encourage DD to invite one girl who she seems to be getting on well with home on Friday for pizza.

Deep breath...thanks again for all the insights and supportive messages

Exclusion is a form of bullying !!!!

Good luck. Hope it goes well. It's tough being a kid! ...and the parent of one!!

Can you imagine an adult doing similar in a work meeting or something? Saving a seat for their friend?
Yes, I certainly can - it happens! But it really doesn't bother me, or anyone I know, we just sit somewhere else.
But sitting down after I was already there and asking me to move (as happened to the OPs DD), would be much ruder, and I'd suggest they go find some other seats.
I completely understand how its upsetting when you're 11, but it doesn't stop, you just get thicker skinned!

Don't start a war with them - girls of this age love a drama.
Most friendship groups shift and settle by about yr 9.
However - my DD never settled - she had one fake friend who only really wanted her as she could order her around.
Tell her to go to the library at lunchtime - are there any clubs at break time? She won't be the only one in this situation and that's where she will find them.
Mine struggled for 2 years but is now at a different school, she has lots of friends, is no longer nervous and is just so happy. Definitely contact school and they will 'buddy' her. Is there another school you could transfer her to?

Be happy that she's confiding in you with all of this - mine suffered in silence for a long long time.