AIBU to uninvite these children from DDs Party?

[Justwondering1]

DD is in Year 7, she is genuinely a lovely girl, incredibly kind and thoughtful though a bit socially awkward and can be over sensitive. She has been struggling to make friends, there are a couple of cliques already in her class which she is not included in and then a few stragglers. She is struggling with feeling left out and not having made any really friends and feels everyone else is in groups. We talked a lot over Easter about making an effort to be friendly, joining in wth groups, trying not to feel shy and self conscious.

Her 12th birthday party is on Sat and we have invited 12 girls. She's just called me in tears because (not for the first time) she sat down in the classroom (got there early to try to sit with new people as we had encouraged her to do) and the girls around her tried to make her move away because they wanted another child in their "clique" to sit in DD seat. The seats were unallocated as it is the start of term. DD got upset, wouldn't move but said she spent the lesson trying not to cry. She's so upset and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm worried about her getting more and more isolated but don't know what to say to help her.

DH is furious, says if these children can't even bear to sit next to DD, why should they come to her party. Why should they be rewarded for treating her unkindly. He is all for emailing their parents and saying they are no longer welcome. I'm worried this would just make things harder for her in the long run.

Any advice on this or generally on Year 7 friendships gratefully received...

OP you sound really lovely! You come across as thoughtful, insightful, tolerant; going out of your way to deal with a really emotional situation as sensitively as possible. The way you are gathering a range of opinions and responding graciously to all viewpoints says volumes about you . I'm so sorry your DD is going through this, but with a lovely mum like you in her corner I think in the long-term she will weather these storms. .

As SirVix said, Kindness (and compassion) are not valued or seen as "cool", even amongst adults. It is heart wrenching for the parent to watch this happening to your child. It is good you are on the case and sensitive OP.
It is bullying if there is a power imbalance between the bully and victim and the unwanted action is repeated, otherwise it is conflict.
The best (most effective, easiest to introduce and cost effective) anti bullying programme for schools is Kiva, from Finland.
www.kivaprogram.net/assets/files/kiva-article-tes-18-7-14.pdf
It focuses on the bystanders rather than the victim or bully and in schools it has been used in victimisation has decreased, children more understanding of differences and more inclusive. It won the European Crime Prevention Award in 2009. I am sad it is not more well known in this country. We need it with the high levels of depression and anxiety amongst our children.
Your childhood stays with you your whole life, it marks you. People say they "get through things and move on'. No. Often it has been suppressed. We have a duty to our children to give them the tools to protect each other and themselves www.kivaprogram.net.
Please check this programme out and let your school know about it. It is evidence based unlike a lot of popular anti bullying workshops that don't reduce bullying levels in schools.

My first comment on a thread on here but it struck a chord with me. Firstly I would say this doesn't sound like bullying, I was picked on relentlessly at school but I would still ask someone to move if they were in a seat I wanted for my friend.
Secondly, a party may be an ideal opportunity for your DD to develop a better friendship. I know part of my problem was that I had strict parents that didn't let me out much of let me join in with activities outside school that weren't what I and my peers considered babyish.... plus I was painfully shy...

Your DH is crazy if he thinks that would do anything other than set her further apart from her classmates and cause her more grief in school. My daughter is 14 this year and has suffered bullying but in the end it's made her stronger & more confident, just maintain an open mind and encourage her to do as much out of school with classmates as she can. She will no doubt naturally find at least one decent friend. Good luck :) x

I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive, I know deliberate exclusion is often the most painful form of bullying but from your DD response to being asked to move, it seems like maybe she is taking things far too personally.
I honestly don't see a problem with them asking her to move to make way for a friend from their closer social circle. It's one of the hardest parts of being a parent and even harder not to wade in as if they are little kids still but finding your social niche is all part of growing up and I doubt they realise how terrible they are making her feel

Sorry, can I just add, when my DD was 11, the bullying was more physical.... she had cans of energy drink topped over her and then sand thrown on her so it stuck, etc... etc.... she got over these incidents far quicker than she got over being called a weirdo etc when she started yr7 so I do understand.

She's a bit of an individual but that's just who she is, she recently lost her whole group of friends because they decided to turn on her for no reason but she has just discovered a more mature 'best' friend so maybe it's natural progression??

The thing that struck me is that you say there are a few stragglers in the class. As adults the obvious thing seems to be to say to your dd, why not make friends with them? In general in life a good rule is not to bother with people who just aren't interested in you - go for the ones who are! But as a pre teen/teenager life is not that simple - to some it is desperately important to be with the populars/cool girls/in crowd. The source of a lot of problems, I think!

Anyway, would your dd (after the party!) be interested in trying to make friends with the other stragglers?

As for the party, agree with all the other pp who have said on no account disinvite, prepare for the fixed smile, and remember we're all rooting for you and your dd!

I'd be very surprised if adults asked someone to move for a friend, that seems quite unfriendly to me. I agree with the pp who said school should be allocating seating. I used to think this was unwarranted interference, but now see that actually it is protecting the vulnerable 'socially weaker' ones in the class.

Most friendship groups shift and settle by about yr 9

I don't think they do. They shift all the time and 13/14 year old girls can still be nasty and cliquey. Year 10 - they are all mixed up again for GCSE subjects so it can change again. A lot of friendship issues really do just depend on luck.

Thanks Kazeno that's very kind of you!

DD seems much more positive after speaking to her teacher yesterday.

I do understand that these girls aren't deliberately being mean, they are trying to cement their own friendship group (which is a fairly new one according to DD) and secure their own place in it. I'm sure many of them are feeling insecure and vulnerable as well and that's what drives these behaviours. I just need to help DD have the tools to deal with situations like this while also building her own friendships. It's a school that takes from a large catchment area and splits up children who come from the same primary school so all these friendships are quite new and hopefully still evolving.

As a totally biased parent I just can't understand why they aren't all clamouring to be friends with DD!! She sent me this text message the other night:

"you need to know that youare the best mummy ever and you are beautiful and kind and you fix broken things (literally and metaphorically) and i love you so much and i don’t know what i would do without you"

Who could not want to be friends with such a loving child?! Waah!

Gosh, I wish dd would send me a text like that! I only get "Can you pick me up now?"

I agree that it is not bullying. It cheapens the term. I was bullied at school and bullying is being actively picked on for whatever reason. In this case I just think the OP's dd is a bit invisible to the "in crowd". I'm quite sure they weren't being horrible, it just didn't compute that it is very hurtful to be asked to move seat.

I thoroughly agree with pp that what needs to be taught is emotional resilience. I don't have much! A month or two ago I went to an evening thing about books, and arrived early and sat down. I was even hopeful of finding someone to talk to (hollow laugh). Along came a group of three or four women who looked around, and then asked me to move seat so they could sit together. I moved, and then lo and behold someone else asked me to move. I was nearly on the point of walking out, but told myself it was me who was taking offence. They were rude, but they weren't thinking about Sad Lone Woman, they just wanted to chat together.

Um sorry but I have to say this: telling someone (adult, teen or child) to move to another chair, even if it's to make a place for a friend, is rude unless it's requested in a nice, friendly way that doesn't make the person being asked feel like a leper. It's not difficult! Mum's and teachers: can we really not work harder with our kids to teach them more social graces? Is this kind of thing not spelt out to them in PHSE at school? Are teachers so busy that they can't see it on a day by day basis, or do they just think it's one of life's lessons? Mums of popular girls: do you ever chat to them about being inclusive?

Hope the party went well?

The party was great, all the girls came, all very polite. DD was very happy and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Phew!

Relieved we went ahead as planned and didn't cause unnecessary drama. Thanks for all the advice Mumsnet,

Great news, OP. Tweenagers, eh?!

So glad it was a success. I hope things start settling down for your DD.

My DS is in year 11, and from what I can see friendships have changed and groups evolved over the years and look quite different to how they did in year 7. Just tell her to be kind to everyone and hang in there

Great! Glad it went well - I guess it's just a case now of taking it slowly and practising resilience.

Oh I'm so pleased to read that! Can you build on those new friendships now by asking a few of them over individually?

I would certainly have a word with her teacher. As an ex teacher myself, I am amazed her teacher has not yet noticed what is going on, never mind not yet having done anything about it. This is all happening in school and It is an educator's duty to observe such things and do something about it to try and nip it in the bud. It is part of a holistic class management, in my view. There is nothing more cruel than a child being avoided, left out of things, call it what you may. This type of thing hurts adults nevermind little 7 year-olds. There are many ways where a class 'manager' can try and get kids together - giving joint duties, etc etc. A short lesson as part of social studies on how we can make a big effort to help one another, make one another feel welcome etc. Would not go amiss here. It is part of a holistic education, preparing kids to be helpful and accepting in the outside world.