AIBU to uninvite these children from DDs Party?

[Justwondering1]

DD is in Year 7, she is genuinely a lovely girl, incredibly kind and thoughtful though a bit socially awkward and can be over sensitive. She has been struggling to make friends, there are a couple of cliques already in her class which she is not included in and then a few stragglers. She is struggling with feeling left out and not having made any really friends and feels everyone else is in groups. We talked a lot over Easter about making an effort to be friendly, joining in wth groups, trying not to feel shy and self conscious.

Her 12th birthday party is on Sat and we have invited 12 girls. She's just called me in tears because (not for the first time) she sat down in the classroom (got there early to try to sit with new people as we had encouraged her to do) and the girls around her tried to make her move away because they wanted another child in their "clique" to sit in DD seat. The seats were unallocated as it is the start of term. DD got upset, wouldn't move but said she spent the lesson trying not to cry. She's so upset and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm worried about her getting more and more isolated but don't know what to say to help her.

DH is furious, says if these children can't even bear to sit next to DD, why should they come to her party. Why should they be rewarded for treating her unkindly. He is all for emailing their parents and saying they are no longer welcome. I'm worried this would just make things harder for her in the long run.

Any advice on this or generally on Year 7 friendships gratefully received...

You might Caroline - but you can't control how she will behave when she's at school. Hopefully she will retain your lessons; some children do.

I was lucky enough to be v popular in secondary school, but i had a taste of being bullied* when I was about 7, and it left me with a massive distaste for it, which stuck for life. But I remember being horrified when one of the other classes at my school wrote a petition about why they hated one of the girls in that class (and she was a nice girl). And another girl got told she could hang out with a group of people on Monday lunchtime and at Thursday break time only... and this was a v naice school full of naice kids!

By 17-18 most of them had grown up and were lovely, but there's a LOT of finding out who they are, hiding insecurities, wanting to look cool etc etc.

• NOT saying Op's daughter is being bullied as it doesn't sound like that, it just sounds like she is trying to break into a closed group

I'm looking back to when I was in year 7.

I was socially underconfident, had never had a best friend at primary and at secondary was taken up by a couple of girls who saw I was on my own and made sure I was included. In time I did become strong friends with them, but in year 7 I was very aware that I was the third in the friendship.
If we arrived in a lesson and found someone was sitting where we normally sat, then the more confident pair would ask the person to move. I was very grateful that they did this because I would always feel that I ought to have been the one to sit separate, so would usually offer.
Rather than it being a sign the other two were unkind, it was more a sign that they were thinking and protecting me.

Now it might be that those 6 girls are mean and nasty-in which case why does your dd want to be friends with them?
But switch it round and it shows that they are thinking about all the group, not just the leaders, so they're being good friends-not necessarily in the best way, but they're still learning.

Tell your dd not to focus on the big groups. Look for the girl who goes off to the library at lunch rather than risk being out with no friends; the child who reads at formperiod because she'd no one to chat to, the one who sits on their own.
She may find that actually they are the people for her, and if she's confident enough to pull them to her and bring them along then it will be good for them as well as her.

themonkey l wasn't meaning that your comment was incorrect. I was more shocked that it was a 'thing' . I apologise.

I've worked in a school. Most apples don't fall too far from the tree. I was in primary though. I'd hoped that women were starting to raise their girls as whole people. Females that would be kind.

Hoepfully starting to but id imagine all 11 year old girls have moments of being less than ideally kind.

I found school bloody awful socially. I was always on the edge of a bitch group of girls. I tried hard but gave up by end of year 8. I put my head down, worked hard, went home for lunch and usually found something to do a breaks which didn't involve the bitches. I always had good out of school social life that kept me sane. And massive improvements when I joined air cadets and found my niche. Gave me the confidence to deal with the school stuff.

So def keep trying to improve things at school but wouldn't do any harm to have some none school friends too as it builds confidence to carry you self better at school

The kind children l worked with KS1/2 had kind parents.
Without fail, the kids ( girls mainly) that had problems with others , had parents mothers who were also attention seeking and trouble making.

You mention in your OP the "stragglers". What is wrong with them? I kind of get the vibe that your dd does want to be in with the in crowd, and the thing is with in crowds is that it's quite difficult to get in, and then others want to pull up the drawbridge.

Going to sit in the middle of an established group of girls, and then refusing to move is a bit... I would say "brave", but I'm not sure it is. Probably better to hold one's head high and move to another seat. I know what it's like. As I've said, I've been there. In fact, a friend of mine (male) went to a Rock Choir recently. Far from being welcomed with open arms (as a rare male!) he went and stood somewhere and was told, "This is Mandy/Clare/Nicky's place." Friend was really embarrassed and never went back.

Tell your dd to give The Stragglers a chance. You never know, perhaps there's a Straggler trying to be friends with your dd and she thinks they're a loser. Ah, the food chain of coolness

Kids do tend to stick to their groups

That may be so but it doesn't make it ok. No allocated seating, it's first come first served. It's completely off of these girls to ask the OP's dd to move so they can sit together. I'm sure they can manage without being stuck like glue ALL day. This sort of behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud, or you end up making excuses for a female version of 'boys will be boys' when they thump each other.

Just to be clear, she is home now and I've checked. She got to the classroom first, there is no allocated seating, the others arrived and then tried to eject her. So she wasn't pushing her way into their pre-arranged seating at all.

But mousymary - YES to giving the 'stragglers' a chance! I have already had this chat with DD, I will repeat it tonight.

Justwondering1

Things improved for DD in year 8 when she found another friendship group. These girls were not in her class so there weren't any issues of pairing up or who sat with who. Also, from year 9 they switched the sets around and everyone got split up and new friendships formed.

The initial problem had been caused by a "queen bee" who was jealous of DD and got all the girls to ignore her. DD is in year 12 now and has weathered the storms of year 7 (and unfortunately year 10, but caused by a different girl, this time over a boy). Things have settled down now. They are so stressed with A level studies that no-one has the time or energy to be mean to each other.

Much as it goes against your mother's instincts I think the party will give these girls a chance to get to know your daughter.

Girls are particularly bad at getting to know others if they already have a group - the 'what's in it for me?' approach. At your DD's party they will inevitably spend time with her, hopefully find some common ground and be more approachable and inclusive in school as a result.

While you might want to knock their blocks off right now it should, in theory, help.

Year 7 is so tough x

In year 7 I wasnt in the 'poplular group' no where near it, however I became friends with one in year 8, then another and so on. I actually became really good friends with a few but I never 'set out' for that to happen.
What I'm saying is it came on natrually and was not forced. I think you should allow the party to go ahead as planned, as you could make things way more difficult for your daughter.

OP sorry to hear your DD is having a tough time. When DD1 was in Y7 she was ill and had to spend the best part of a year not attending school/attending for very limited time. She mentioned that when she went back to her form, all the friendship groups had changed, and everyone had moved on. She was then in the position of having to re-integrate into established friendship groups. I know that her tactic (which seemed to work) was to become very skilled at observing which groups sat where, who got on with who, who got on with everyone etcetera. She then sat on the edge of a group, being careful not to encroach on anyone's "turf" (believe me they can be very territorial in Y7!) and joined in on the fringes of conversations -- generally pleasant expression, nodding if she agreed, laughing with the group at a shared joke. Very occasionally, she made a comment of her own, but not often. She never felt she belonged to "a group", but found (and still does) that she was able to be friendly with any group, and while not ever being super-popular, she is still well-liked by many and has managed to avoid all the friendship group fall-outs that befell some of her classmates in the early years. She is now in Y13, and still a great observer of people, which has been very useful to her!
Hope things settle soon for your DD. I would also second finding an interest (school library, basketball club, art club etc.) to broaden her circle of contacts. Sometimes having contacts in the older years who might simply say "hi" in the corridor can give confidence a bit of a boost.

I do feel for you and your dd. My dd is in year 8, (but year 7 age) and she is still navigating the friend cliques, although things have been better this past term. Apparently year 7 is when the Primary school bonds start to break and so girls cling together very tenaciously to start with, but by year 8 things have juggled around a bit. Years 8 and 9 can be tough too but by year 10 things realy improve, at least this is what dds teachers all say. My dd does have a small group of kinder girls to chat to now. Her closest friend is not in her school, which actually gives both of them a break from school cliques (friend is year 7 and having friendship problems herself). Dd had tactics for dealing with it, she would go and chat to a teacher, or older children who she knew, if she didn't have anyone in her year to hang out with. She avoided anyone at all mean or catty, and focused on getting to know some of the quieter , less cliquey girls. So far this seems to have paid off. I did take a group of girls out last year, I don't think it made any difference at all though! Really they do just have to work through it and try and find the kinder, more sensitive types, who are maybe less obvious as they are keeping their heads down. for you and for your dd. And I agree with pps, do not uninvite anyone, just grit your teeth and smile at them....

oh and do talk to the head of year, as they may have some helpful advice.

Every lunch and break in my classroom you will find a minimum of 5 Y11 girls, they also 'gather' a variety of pupils from other year groups who appear isolated. They play hangman, scrabble etc and feel safe, see where your DD can find friends. The Library is usually a good place.

Thanks so much for all the kind and thoughtful advice. I have spoken to DD and DH. No party cancelling, lots of emphasis on giving the less cliquey girls a chance and generally being patient. She seems happier for now.

Are they in mixed ability groups OP? Will they get setted in September? (fresh start for her). Sept teachers will do new seating plans? Look for some Summer courses if you can (art? sports centre? Maybe she will meet others there without it feeling forced).
Or you could do the dreaded play dates at yours...

I think they set for Maths from next year but nothing else (it's a selective school). Then mix the classes in Yr 9 but that seems a long time to wait.

I think I may need to schedule a few play dates - or whatever they are called in Yr 7

I think the party invitation may have been a bit of a mistake in the first place, but now it is too late to cancel. Did she just invite 12 girls she liked the look of, without being really friends with them? I suppose the girls may have found that a bit "weird" (favourite word of dd, 13) even if they agreed to go.

I remember going to a girl's party when I was your dd's age. I didn't know the girl at all, really, but she was in my class and she invited about a dozen people. I went, had a nice time, but did not pursue the friendship afterwards. It's only now - on this thread - that it occurs to me that she was trying to make friends.

I don't think you can organise play dates when they're at secondary school. And parties morph into sleepovers for selected persons. I'd love to hand pick a few friends for dd but it would not go down well!

Having some one-on-one time can help build friendships, school is hectic and noisy, and it can be hard to get to know each other well. So when your dd gets to the point of finding some girls (is it a single sex school?) she likes, organise something with just one of them at a time, to start to build closeness. This can be harder when girls don't live close by each other.

Argh, stressing now about the party! I'd say 4 out of 12 are actual friends (2 from primary), the rest are as you say, people she likes and would like to build friendships with. I really hope they a)turn up and b)aren't all talking about how it's "weird" that she invited them.

Her teacher emailed me that she will talk to DD at break today and phone me later.

It's a mixed school by the way and 24 in each class so only 12 girls which I guess is a fairly small pool friendship wise.

Maybe it wasn't that they disliked you DD just they know the other girl better. Please do not uninvite these girls. As hard as it is your daughter needs to manage this with your support in the background. The fact your daughter is talking and opening up to you is great. I think you need to step back and let her figure out how to handle this situation.
The same thing happened to me when I went to secondary school, I was picked on for nearly the whole of the first year. Although it was a really difficult I developed coping strategies and made friends eventually elsewhere. The experience built resilience I think.