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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to uninvite these children from DDs Party?

167 replies

Justwondering1 · 02/05/2017 14:50

DD is in Year 7, she is genuinely a lovely girl, incredibly kind and thoughtful though a bit socially awkward and can be over sensitive. She has been struggling to make friends, there are a couple of cliques already in her class which she is not included in and then a few stragglers. She is struggling with feeling left out and not having made any really friends and feels everyone else is in groups. We talked a lot over Easter about making an effort to be friendly, joining in wth groups, trying not to feel shy and self conscious.

Her 12th birthday party is on Sat and we have invited 12 girls. She's just called me in tears because (not for the first time) she sat down in the classroom (got there early to try to sit with new people as we had encouraged her to do) and the girls around her tried to make her move away because they wanted another child in their "clique" to sit in DD seat. The seats were unallocated as it is the start of term. DD got upset, wouldn't move but said she spent the lesson trying not to cry. She's so upset and this isn't the first time this has happened and I'm worried about her getting more and more isolated but don't know what to say to help her.

DH is furious, says if these children can't even bear to sit next to DD, why should they come to her party. Why should they be rewarded for treating her unkindly. He is all for emailing their parents and saying they are no longer welcome. I'm worried this would just make things harder for her in the long run.

Any advice on this or generally on Year 7 friendships gratefully received...

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 02/05/2017 15:23

encourage your dd to form friendships outside of school

I've heard this so many times and it's rubbish advice, sorry. It's all well and good having friends outside school, but the school day can be long and lonely without anyone to chat to and go round with.

OP, I really feel for your dd, my dd is similar. I bloody hate cliques! Unfortunately they do seem to form in most schools. I agree that they are still young and learning but on the other hand there is no real excuse for nasty behaviour.

DixieNormas · 02/05/2017 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Abricot1993 · 02/05/2017 15:35

would it work to email the parents and invite the parents to stay for a quick drink when they do the pick up?

Or if you do a craft activity that say needs delivering later that would be a way to follow up with the parents and child?

Believeitornot · 02/05/2017 15:35

I've heard this so many times and it's rubbish advice, sorry. It's all well and good having friends outside school, but the school day can be long and lonely without anyone to chat to and go round with

I've also suggested speaking to the school to sort it out.... yes it's rubbish having to deal with this but every little helps.

Veterinari · 02/05/2017 15:39

I don't want to sound harsh but I'm not sure you're helping Flowers

Kids do tend to stick to their groups and it sounds as if whilst seating is officially unallocated, your DD got to a classroom early as s sat somewhere that she knew a group would usually sit so that she could try and be part of it (possibly that group sat there last term?) When they asked her to move she refused. Whilst she may be 'right' in theory it's a bit intrusive and 'forced' from the other kids perspective and her refusal to move won't have increased her popularity.

She'd be better off trying to edge in, or chat to the other 'stragglers' you mention in your OP than foist herself on a group.

I know it's tough OP - secondary school is brutal Sad and I really feel for your DD but if she's a bit socially awkward she may need more support from school to help her engage.

Can you invite friends home? Are there any clubs she can join? I was always on the fringes at school and totally empathise with your anxiety for her - good luck

Original poster
Justwondering1 · 02/05/2017 15:39

That's my precise concern GreekbearingGifts. I just wish I knew how to help her and I don't know what she is doing to put people off her.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh · 02/05/2017 15:40

Did your dd want to invite the 12 children to her party?

Original poster
Justwondering1 · 02/05/2017 15:42

Veterinari - you may be right. I just thought the cliques might still be malleable. I was on the fringes at secondary school too and it was only when I went to university that I found "my people" and everything changed. But I can't tell DD to just hang in there for another 6 years :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwondering1 · 02/05/2017 15:43

Shedmicehugh - yes, that was her list of choice. She really wants to make the effort to make more friends...

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 02/05/2017 15:47

This was my DD in year 7. Things did get a lot better, but I really feel for you and your daughter. It is horrible feeling that you have no loyal friends.

Original poster
Justwondering1 · 02/05/2017 15:49

Iamastonished - how long did it take to get better? Any advice on what changed?

Glad your DD is happier now.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh · 02/05/2017 15:53

I think a good lesson to learn is with all friendship, comes conflict and learning how to handle conflict is a part of friendship. Conflict doesn't equal end of friendships.

user1484578224 · 02/05/2017 15:59

I know this is stating the obvious but how about asking your daughter how she feels.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 02/05/2017 16:00

If I we're to advise the year 7 girl I once was I would tell myself this stuff really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. Instead of concentrating on where I'm going to sit and who is or is not talking to me I'd get my head down and get on with my work. I spent the whole of secondary school messing about and having a laugh and crying about boys and came out with bare minimum qualifications. If I did it again I'd ignore such distractions and work harder at school.

FrenchLavender · 02/05/2017 16:00

I would most definitely uninvite them. I would just send a brief and to the point letter saying:

'Please be advised the invitation to JustwonderingsDD's party on such and such a date has been withdrawn. She is now having a smaller party with a few friends only in attendance. Sorry for any inconvenience.'

And let them come to you if an explanation is required. I doubt many will ask, but if they do then without ranting or coming across as bitter or neurotic, just say that recently as a group they have been largely ignoring and pushing out your DD, and while you realise this is normal behaviour to some extent and they are of course must be free to choose their own friends, upon reflection you don't feel inclined to have them at the party, when they clearly don't particularly care for her or for how she feels.

Try to make it as bright and breezy and as matter of fact as possible without sounding too accusatory.

user1484578224 · 02/05/2017 16:00

ie. we are annoyed that people who won't sit with you are coming to the party. what do you think

User323296969 · 02/05/2017 16:01

I agree with Vetiniari that by 'forcing' her way in by placing herself in the groups' usual seat isn't a great strategy. I also think by this stage of Yr 7 the group will be pretty fixed. I never really experienced the "fluid" thing, people fell out and made up, others joined later, but the five girls probably have a real friendship going on by now, they are not necessarily a "mean girls" style clique but characterising them as such is just likely to make your DD hold them in awe and trigger negative "do you hate me that much?!" outbursts.

It doesn't sound like she's doing anything wrong, just that she's focusing on these particular girls who she might not have much in common with. Chatting to other 'stragglers' is a good start, and sitting somewhere else in class from this week and letting the five get on with it.

It sounds like she needs to build her confidence in her own self worth, being over anxious and pushing too hard can be off putting. Imagine as an adult what it's like when someone you hardly know steamrolls into a private conversation or tries to tag along to a coffee date without any 'warm up'. I think the same applies here, your DD has invited classmates to her party which could ve a start to getting to know some of them better by inviting them one on one etc.

It's horrible and I really feel for your DD. I'm glad the school councillor is involved. It will get better but she needs to try to give friendships time to build naturally. Good luck!

TheFlyingFauxPas · 02/05/2017 16:02

She could be trying a little hard what with rushing to get a seat with them. You said you'd discussed it. Maybe better to tell her. Have patience. Friendships will happen.

Original poster
Justwondering1 · 02/05/2017 16:02

I'm going to ask her when she gets home from school. I certainly wouldn't do any uninviting without her permission.

FrenchLavender - I'm worried that would just be so incredibly rude to be on the receiving end of...

OP posts:
diddl · 02/05/2017 16:10

It does sound as if she is trying too hard to get into the "cliques".

I can't really understand why she would want any of them at her party.

FrenchLavender · 02/05/2017 16:10

I think a large part of gaining some self esteem is learning to not work too hard to endear yourself to people who have demonstrated repeatedly that don't care about you, or actively give off signals that you are an irrelevance or an irritant to them. It's okay to be a peripheral friend, we can't all be everyone's favourite, but don't stick around with people who are dismissive of you, or unkind to you. Ever.

There will always be people more popular than others, always be Queen Bees and Mean Girl cliques, or just cliques of perfectly nice people who are so wrapped up in their mutual love for one another that they don't have much time or space for anyone else.

Continually allowing yourself to be hurt by rejection instead of just moving away and starting afresh with new people who might be more available to you is a sure way to end up with your self esteem in the gutter. She should just stop making an effort with these girls and focus on other people. That doesn't mean she has to fall out with them, just stop trying too hard. Rise above it. I think uninviting them might be quite empowering for her.

chocatoo · 02/05/2017 16:11

That's my DD too. Sorry to say but it look probably until Year 10 when they started mixing with others because of choosing options until she found her own tribe (or they found her!). She went from being very popular at primary to not fitting in brilliantly at secondary (different kids) and it was a shock. Took her and us a while to get used to the change in circumstances. Made sure that she kept up with old friends and did stuff out of school so that she knew she was loved and popular with them and encouraged her to just be as nice to everyone in class as possible. Encouraged her to take part in lunchtime clubs and house activities and volunteer in the library (where she met a nice friend). We also encouraged her to be more self sufficient and reminded her that having a wide circle of friends is good rather than a small clique. It's heartbreaking to see them struggle although sometimes I think it bothered/bothers me more than her. I think that partly the reason is that she's not a girlie girl and lots of the in-crowd are really into boys/make up/clothes/boy bands etc. Quite often the in crowd would go out to concerts (DD never invited) - might be worth looking out for who's on where and encouraging/helping DD to organise a group to go...also they all seemed to have lots of sleep overs (I hate sleep overs but that's a whole different thread!) - maybe you could organise...perhaps a BBQ, etc.etc. be proactive, make sure everyone has a lovely time (ban DH lol). Good luck!

Iamastonished · 02/05/2017 16:12

I think FrenchLavendar's idea is a terrible one. It will backfire horribly and cause so many problems at school. TBH I'm surprised that invitations were even sent to parents. By secondary school the children sorted out the invitations themselves.

If you want to invite everyone just cancel the party instead.

Blowingthroughthejasmineinmymi · 02/05/2017 16:17

Doesn't make friends out of school mean, make totally new friends or - make friends from a different angle of those already in the year?

Eg, if she did drama, maybe one of the nasty girls would be in it - however out of a school set up, and acting together they may actually form a friendship? This is usually what I take it to mean anyway.

In a school day you are in a rut, get out of the school day into a new environment nad it may help to shake up friends a little. So sorry your going through this op, its soooooo painful. I also think on this occasion bite the bullet and invite the girls be super nice to them and try and win them over really...its all you can do!Flowers

FrenchLavender · 02/05/2017 16:23

I don't think the wording of it is rude at all, It's too the point, and anyone with any suspicion about what's going on might sense a subtext, but equally others will just thing 'Huh? Fair enough then.' Confused and assume it's a financial/numbers thing.

Let's face it, their DD's are hardly likely to be devastated at not going, are they? If anyone is angry or curious enough to ring you then you can tell them politely and matter of factly exactly why you've withdrawn the invitation and it's up to them how they take it. If it were me I'd think kudos to you for being honest and for not allowing DD to be used and discarded. So long as you don't come across as petulant and bitter, that's the main thing.

Do you think if any of those girls had a party any time soon your DD would be invited? If not then you have your answer and there is nothing to feel guilty about. If you end up explaining the situation to one parent, it will spread and they'll all know. If it were me, (and I'm going to assume that your DD is not particularly on the radar of any of these girls' parents) I'd ask my DD what the backstory was and perhaps have a chat with her about being a bit kinder to your DD. I wouldn't force my child to include or be friends with anyone they didn't care for, but I would not tolerate them being mean either.

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