Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 22:14

I have a pretty relaxed life (my only dc is 18 now) and I feel fulfilled by the activities I do in my free time, and I don't feel the need to justify the situation or convince other people that I'm actually really busy or making sacrifices

I respect this too. Fair play.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:16

Tinseltwins to be fair she can't have been as clever as she thought.
Don't underestimate a 'bimbos' intelligence.
I know every penny my partner earns and every penny he spends. I file everything from pay slips to tax returns, bank statements and even receipts. I don't think I'd have the energy to be a PA to my partner if I had a full time job as well. Running a home is like running a business.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 22:16

Lesley your friends are idiots.
Although I did watch a lot of cbeebies when the dc were little :)

Teddy1970 · 30/04/2017 22:17

You see, I privately worry about my SIL, her son is in reception and she has no intention of going back to work..OK that's her choice and her husband is pretty comfortable financially (as is his family) but what if he decides to leave her? Her name isn't even on the mortgage apparently, would she be up shit creak if he left her? Not that he's showing any signs to BTW, but I don't think she's ever considered this possible scenario..

angelcakerocks · 30/04/2017 22:17

How depressing to see women at each others throats about this issue yet again
The fact is, there are all sorts of combinations and outcomes. Someone could work FT then get made redundant in their 50s anyway. Someone could be SAHP to a rich man and end up well off after a divorce. They might have a fabulous career and regret not having seen more of their dcs or be SAHM or work PT and regret not having a career.
Just do what is right for you and your family. I certainly don't judge people and reckon most don't judge. Certainly the older and more experienced you get, the less you judge imo. Who knows what life is going to throw at anyone.

m0therofdragons · 30/04/2017 22:17

I see someone thought my comment was judgemental and it wasn't meant to be. I am fully aware that for my individual happiness I need my career. Alongside 30 hours a week I take and collect my dc to and from school 4 days a week with dh doing one day, and I get to go to assemblies etc because my employer is awesome and values my work. During holidays dc get to stay with gps who live hours away and the love it. It works for us and with 3 dds I like that I'm showing my girls that they are equal to men. This works for us and that's what's important. When I was sahm for 3 years I knew that was enough. Maybe I failed but I'm so much happier now. I'm also a school governor and chair a committee so you can work and be involved at school - SAHMs don't own that.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:18

TinselTwins

Honestly, not just just men. I have a great aunt that did something similar…

I don't doubt it! And I think it can hurt more than infidelity and have much more serious lasting affects on the decieved party

It does I think disproportionately affect women though as more women stay at home and have to "trust" their OH is being honest about his income etc

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:18

Lesley they're just Jelous that's all Flowers

HectorAndKiki · 30/04/2017 22:18

I don't give shit what people think - its mine any my DH business. When they start paying our mortgage then and only then can anyone comment on our lives.

Honestly women are our own worst enemies - ladies, everyone should do what they want to do and what is right for their families.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 30/04/2017 22:19

I gave up a well paid job to be a SAHM. I wasn't happy at work at all and couldn't move from it as it was quite a niche role and it was full time or nothing. A few years on and I have very mixed feelings. On the one hand, I find being at home full time demanding and often lonely. On the other hand, my children really like me being here and tell me so.

I don't know any other mums in my circle who work full time, though many work part-time flexible roles (less than twenty hours a month).

I feel I lost a certain status when I gave up my career and inwardly tell myself that should not matter and is not important but in reality it does matter to me. I dislike being financially dependent on my DH. He doesn't make me feel like that but the reality is I am dependent. We have less income and while we can manage, it worries me.

All that said, my children like me being here, they like being able to do activities and go places after school and they have busy lively and for the most part happy lives. I don't have to worry about the nanny quitting, taking sick days off work, not being here when the children are ill or office politics.

If we were financially better off, I would worry less but I would still feel the loss of my independence.

If I had never worked or had earned less, I think I would be happier to be a SAHM. If I had a proper 'profession', one that I could take a few years out and then return to, I think I would be happier to be a SAHM.

Ultimately, having an unfulfilling job that I was not happy in, was not a nice way to live either though. In all, I miss the income of my job but I am thankful to have this time with my children.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:21

Tinseltwins to be fair she can't have been as clever as she thought.
Don't underestimate a 'bimbos' intelligence.
I know every penny my partner earns and every penny he spends. I file everything from pay slips to tax returns, bank statements and even receipts. I don't think I'd have the energy to be a PA to my partner if I had a full time job as well. Running a home is like running a business.

Believe me the women I know who it has happened to were also on top of the household finances. Its not actually that hard to hide an extra income stream from a consultancy role on the side, or to run up secret debts etc, even if your OH keeps a stellar home filing system!

Thats why it hurts so much when it happens!

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:21

MotherOfdragons but could you do all that if your husband worked longer hours and wasn't able to occasionally do pick up?
Could you do all that if you didn't have the luxury of grandparents having the children for a few days?

You're lucky to have people around you to share the responsibilities of parenthood.
A lot of women, myself included stay home because their partner works long hours (mine works 12 hours a day 6 days a week.)

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 22:23

Teddy is this your brothers wife?

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:23

Running a home is like running a business.

no it's not though!
running household finances is an important skill in itself
It's not the same skill as running a business

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:24

Tinseltown I think I'd notice if another mortgage was being paid though.
I do the accounts for my dp business, so it would be impossible for him to hide any money. If your husband was a millionaire then it would be easier I suppose.

Teddy1970 · 30/04/2017 22:24

Stealth no, it's my husbands sister...

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 22:25

That makes more sense :)

Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 22:25

Tinsel - If I thought DH was the type to squirrel money away or try and wriggle out funding his DC in the event of a split, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. I think this idea of these multi-millionaire men with mistresses stashed away somewhere is a bit exaggerated tbh. I can't think of any like that - many have set up trust funds for the DC's education and futures already, bought them a property in their names as an investment and so on. The more money they have, the more they tend to plan ahead and use it wisely.

OP posts:
sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:25

Tinseltown it is. Iv done both, I can tell you that raising children, keeping the house tidy, organising appointments and finances etc are just like running a business. If you lapse on one thing the whole things goes to pot.

happypoobum · 30/04/2017 22:26

If you are married then no, it doesn't matter quite so much, although you may find it harder to get a job if you haven't worked for 10/15 years.

However, there are so many women who post on here saying their relationship has broken down, they have young children to support, and literally nowhere to go. They seem to think that they have the same rights as married women and they just don't.

If you have DC and are not married and don't have independent wealth then you are taking a huge risk by not working.

Gini99 · 30/04/2017 22:27

so what has marriage got to do with it?... There are agreements you can put in place without being married you know.

Sarahmum27 the big difference between being able to put an agreement in place as an unmarried couple and a court having the ability to completely redistribute assets and income if you are married is the point at which the decision is made. The agreement you put in place might work well in some circumstances but it will only be any good if the situation that you are in when you split is one that you envisaged when making the agreement. If things change over time (e.g. major illness, disabled child or (as happened to a friend of mine's husband) unexpected long prison sentence) and the agreement doesn't catch up with them or contemplate the possibility then it won't be helpful. If you divorce then you are looking at what has happened already, not predicting the future as when you make an agreement.

Also, don't just think about splitting up, make sure that you have wills etc in place too.

minifingerz · 30/04/2017 22:28

"I love working and don't really know what people do once dc are at school. How much housework can someone do each week - sounds boring as fuck to me"

Given how fucking awful so many people's jobs are, I really doubt that being at home all week and responsible for the running of a home is THAT awful by comparison.

My mum was a SAHM for many years. Her life was awesome. She did lots of charity work, read a lot, played Mahjong and had lunch with her mates, ran a gorgeous home, had an afternoon nap every day, always looked lovely and well groomed, and was always there for us at the end of the school day. She's 82 and very happy now, having a wonderful old age doing more or less the same thing, funded by my dad's generous civil servant's pension (dad passed away a few years ago, but mum still has half his pension, plus a small private one of her own and her state pension).

I appreciate that if your job is important and interesting then work may well be more enjoyable than home, but let's face it, a lot of jobs are shit and a bit meaningless.

"But don't try to tell me that it's a full time job with no kids around most of the time."

Fuck - you might even have time to read a book or have a long, leisurely bath, or go round and have a coffee with an elderly neighbour or something.

I very much doubt you'll be on your deathbed thinking: I wish I'd spent more time on developing marketing campaigns/sending out invoices/attending management meetings. Hmm

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:28

Tinseltown I think I'd notice if another mortgage was being paid though.
I do the accounts for my dp business, so it would be impossible for him to hide any money.

LOL, he didn't pay it from his current account!

He had other accounts using his mistresses address, his main job paid into the account linked to the house he lived in with his wife. He had consulting roles which funded the other house which was in his mistresses name, it wouldn't have shown up on checkmyfile or on his pay checks or any of the paperwork going into his marital home

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 22:28

The thought of my DH or any other person logging what I spend out of my money is rather scary and a little bit stalkerish. We have separate finances and what I spend and what he spends is our own business. That's the freedom that working gives you.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:29

Op I agree. If I had even a 1% doubt I'd be off.
People also forget that when you're a sahp the money your oh earns is yours too, so it's yours to save, squander or spend.
I have full access to the accounts. If I was denied that I'd be off.
Just because you're a sahp, doesn't mean you're a little shy women in the corner with no say. Working doesn't make you more powerful.