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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Firenight · 30/04/2017 22:29

Sarah: Tinseltown it is. Iv done both, I can tell you that raising children, keeping the house tidy, organising appointments and finances etc are just like running a business. If you lapse on one thing the whole things goes to pot.

I think you'll find that all parents have to do these things, whether they work or not.

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 22:30

Oh and running a home is really not like running a business.

Grow up.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:30

Tinseltown but most men have one job and one income and the vast majority earn a mediocre wage that barely covers the existing mortgage anyway.
I can guarantee you that her husband was a nob in other ways, and she just didn't see it.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:31

Tinsel - If I thought DH was the type to squirrel money away or try and wriggle out funding his DC in the event of a split, I wouldn't be with him in the first place.

Does anyone ever think their OH is "the type" to cheat, abuse, leave or financially abuse?

Gini99 · 30/04/2017 22:31

OP I think hiding assets is sadly reasonably common. See for example, what family lawyers think about it here. Of course if you are doing it yourselves without a lawyer it may be trickier to spot.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:32

Firenight yes I'm well aware of that.
Doesn't mean that running a house is not like running a business. It is.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 22:32

Zeezeek - do are you saying you are actually married, but you just spend your money and he has his Confused
How will that work when you have DC?

OP posts:
sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:33

Zeekzeek we must have different standards then.

PenguinOfDoom · 30/04/2017 22:34

www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&f=210&t=1668868

Apparently, all women are money-grabbing, cheating bitches and if a man has money, he should hide it before getting married, or not ever enter into a relationship with a 'female'.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 22:34

Zeekzeek hang on a minute?! You don't even have children yet?

No wonder then ! You have no idea love about raising a family.

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 22:35

Yes I'm actually married. Have been for nearly 30 years. I've also been a parent for nearly 11 years.

I have my money.

He has his money.

I work full time and also run a consultancy business.

He is retired, but works as a consultant for my business.

Running my business is much, much more difficult than running our home.

We both do a lot of volunteering.

annandale · 30/04/2017 22:35

DH is a SAHP to our one ds, now at secondary school. Do I resent it? Sometimes. It wasn't a choice, he was and I am pretty sure still is too ill to do paid work in any significant way (he is a lot better not working so I do occasionally wonder, then something happens and i realise we don't live a normal life). If anyone talks about it, in public wheher he is there or not I will always say that he supported me when I reduced my hours after maternity leave and when I retrained. It's not quite as true as all that, I always still had an income and could have increased my hours again without much difficulty. However, it is true that we have always been a team and the family operates as a unit, financially and otherwise. I wish it wasn't so hard, I wish he could work.

Having watched my father royally fuck up with money and nearly send us all down the swanee, despite the fact that one of the reasons my mum married him in the first place was that he seemed really sensible about finances, there is no way I can deal with being completely dependent on someone else unless disability strikes as it has for my husband. Life is too uncertain, I know that for sure. I have just started income protection, I am also worth a fortune dead, so I hope hope it will never happen. My mother struggled for years, went back to work initially for pennies and then increasingly for a living wage, and just as things seemed to be improving found our home had been used to guarantee a loan to criminals. My father is lovely, you would really like him but he is a financial Scylla or Charibdis (can never remember which is the whirlpool). Only because my mother was working, they were able to sell the house, pay off the loan and get somewhere else to live. Otherwise we would have been living in relatives' front rooms or homeless.

needsahalo · 30/04/2017 22:35

Lots of WOHMs feel guilty and wish to justify their choices so try to belittle SAHMs

Yeah, it's that simple. I was SAHM and then my ex left. It took years to get myself sorted. I hate being. WOHM but I worry about the number of women who leave themselves wide open to the hell that I went through.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 22:35

Mini I feel passionate about my job. I work with people who continue to contribute in a voluntary role after retirement. I'd like t think on my deathbed I'll be proud of my career as well as my family. Plus I'm not living all the years of my precious life worrying about my last few moments - "now" me matters just as much as "future" me and has a greater say in current decisions!

zeezeek · 30/04/2017 22:36

Oh and btw I understood about running a home and a family a LONG time before I had a child.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:36

No not all men can afford a hidden house, but that doesn't mean they can't decieve financially, a poorer man could hide debts rather than assets.

When it happens to your smart switched on friends by their decent seeming OH who you embrassed into your inner circle, you won't be so quick to victim blame.

If you're my age and you think it doesn't happen, then your friends who have split probably picked up on how you'ld judge them for it and haven't told you, it's not exactly something you sing from the roof top if it happens to you, it's mortifying!

RestlessTraveller · 30/04/2017 22:36

I'll be honest. I judge you, I wouldn't feel the need to tell you if I knew you, but yeah, I totally judge you.

m0therofdragons · 30/04/2017 22:37

My husband works very long days but on Wednesdays collects dc and works from home for a few hours.
My family has only actually stepped up this year. My parents live 1.5 hours away and run their own business and my pil haven't had them before without us but are having them this half term. That's only 2 weeks so the other holiday days we pay a nanny so they're still able to chill at home, mixed with clubs. I never rely on family although it's great this year it's come together. Pil are 4 hours away. We don't have any babysitters etc so dh and I have had 1 meal out in 6 months. You balance what you can and do what works for you. Technically I could do 30 hours in school time but my goodness I'd be rushing around like a crazy lady. I'm not sure any combination it "the best" but we all do what is best for us and that should be enough. Mums need to support each other - being a working mum can be amazing and crap (so much guilt calling my boss after 3 weeks holiday only to tell him I wouldn't be in as dd was vomiting), being a sahm can be amazing and crap. Just make sure you're happy with the decision.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 22:37

I don't think she ever claimed to know about raising a family, lovw

witsender · 30/04/2017 22:37

I love my job and am pretty gutted to have had to drop to one day. It isn't really a career though tbh, though I did have one of them. This is for a charity and is the most fulfilling job I've had.

Nessie71 · 30/04/2017 22:39

I think its a terrible example to set your kids why? I work lunch time and evenings in my daughters school so feel that i am lucky that i can go to things like school plays or reading..i think working parents kid themselves that it doesnt effect their kids if they are not there...the look on some of there faces when a parent dosnt show up is heartbreaking...if people want to stay at home its up to them?

prettybaubles · 30/04/2017 22:40

mini - I agree and was just about to post the same. I was made redundant when my second was 3. Up until that point I had been managing pretty much everything i.e work and home and had already begun to begrudge it. DP then started working overseas and it made it very difficult for me to go back to work. Fast forward 10 years and I work part time but I find the voluntary work I do much more rewarding.

I would have loved to go back to work if I had a fulfilling job/career but frankly I didn't, it is one of my regrets. Sales figures and managing accounts was just very boring.

I think the women on here who have great jobs/careers and DH/DPs that help and support them are very lucky. I read posts pretty much daily where the DP is doing pretty much nothing whilst the woman is running around like a headless chicken keeping all the balls in the air.
I wasn't and am still not prepared to do this. If I did return to work full time I have made it clear to DP that everything would be 50/50. I am 'lucky' though in that money is not an issue so I can make the choice to not go back.

I do agree that I havent been a great role model for my 2 DC. I do have conversations with them about working/managing a home/balancing etc which I hope will help. Unfortunately the odds are stacked against women, still.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 22:40

Zeezeek - do are you saying you are actually married, but you just spend your money and he has his confused
How will that work when you have DC?

we set up a joint account when we married but never really got on with using it. Our money is "communal" but we also have our own money in that we prefer to have our own accounts. DH gets one DDs child benefit and I get the other, I pay certain bills and expenses and he pays the other.

I like managing my own monthly spending money separately even though we're both jointly responsible for all the big stuff

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 22:41

Nessie does everyone get that choice then?

MommaGee · 30/04/2017 22:42

Running a home is like running a business.
geez i must be doing it wrong... DH is perfectly capable of making his own lunch, medical appointments and bank account.
DS has a ton of medical appointments, community care appointments and three playgroups a week but it takes 5 minutes to put new dates into my diaries, occasional call to check where we're going or rearange it. I log my own banking in a spreadsheet but i consider that fun (cos i'm weird). All the bills are paid by DD so a few times a year you run Compare the Meerkat. What am i missing?